myinnerthoughtsandwords-blog

[myinnerthoughtsandwords-blog]

my friends: haha hey whats up we havent talked in a while

me:

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Sometimes the help you need isn’t the help you want. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you’re thinking of suicide.

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“After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die.” - E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

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I've been yo-yoing between being in a deep dabilating depression and functioning depression.... the last few weeks have been hell. I've messed some more work, and that bring up alot of anxiety that maybe I might lose my job. I've reached out to my doctor and he thought my best move was to go to the hospital again, but I couldn't bring myself to go through that process again.

The thought of suicide has been pretty loud un my mind. I started writing notes in my head. I told my mom, I made her cry... my heart sank.

I know what's wrong with me, but why? Why am I like this? Why after being pretty goood for several years I just crash landed and dug myself into a deep dark hole?

I reached out to a therapist, we've been playing phone tag... but I need to talk it out.

I've also started overthinking about my beliefs and that has rocked my core. I did believe my beloved deceased family members were guardian angels for there alive families... and this is what I always believed for years; but I've been reaching out for help, for answers, for signs they are around since my collapse in March-and I have felt ignored. Seen no signs, and haven't got much help. I feel abandoned, but now I know not to waste my time talking to my dead relatives- they aren't around.... there's no such thing as spirits or angels.

It's like I'm coming to terms with life, but I don't want to live. I'm trying, but I'm broken, I don't know what to do.

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My sister has been engaged for 4 years and I was very excited for her, but I'm starting to realize they will never marry. Sis wants the dress and party, not insane huge, but just a special day to ber hers and her fiancee's. The 2 have been together for 7 years, and I've seen growth from my sis and nothing from her partner.

This lately has been a major trigger for my depression.

Every other weekend he stays at our home, and basically just sits on his ass, eats, shits, fucks my sis, and plays video games. This has been going on for most of the 7 years they have been together. I'm sick of having an unwanted guest every other weekend (I know he's family now, but he does nothing but disgust me.) My sis goes to his home the other weekends, and seems to go out to run arrands for the family, or other things. It's like fc (how fiancee will be referred to from now on) is at our house he's on vacation.

Another major thing that bothers me about their relationship is the both do not try. They both want to have a home of their own, start a family, the entire shebang... but first let's go buy 4 $60 switch games. Let's complain about our jobs, but not try to get new jobs. Let's not do our fucking taxes for 3 years! Yup fc didnt do his taxes for the past 3 years!

FC is a major fuck up when it comes to his money... so is my sis but she's doing everything she can now (years after graduating college) to pay of student loans...fc hasn't paid any of his student loans and hes been out of college for at least 10 years- he has credit card debt (unknown amount to me) he's trying to pay- still has an active credit card his crazy mother uses to pay for EVERYTHING because she believes "the man of the house should pay for the goods in the house", which is bullshit... it's the grandmothers house, he and his mother live with her and all 3 should pay for the goods in the house, it shouldn't fall on "the man of the house."- then the not paying taxes for 3 years came as a big freaking suprise to my sis this year, she never asked before thinking "hes a 30+yr old adult he would have his taxes done." She was ready to kill him, but because whenever she gets upset at him he goes quite she never let's her true feeling out.

A major component to make this relationship be extremely rocky at times is fc's mother. She is unemployed, believes shes better than you, smarter than you, and that her baby boy should always take her side. FC still acts like the umbilical is still attached at times. Because fc mom bitched so much she got to go along to his birthday movie/dinner night with my sis... how romantic! Almost everyday after work he has to pick her up food, or something because she didnt leave the house to get anything for herself, and remember shes unemployed and gets money from a disability, she waits all day so she doesn't have to spend money and her son does. When fc bought the engagement ring for sis, she picked a diamond ring out that she forced FC to buy her. FC mom hates my sis because she's another ethnicity, she's not the "girly girl shopping type", that my sis speaks her opinion aloud and isn't afraid to cross someone when they are wrong. FC mom met me 2 times, and "I'm like the daughter she never had"... I watched her try to haggle down a price of a shirt at a store on the board walk, A LEGIT STORE... NOT A SWAP MEET OR FLEA MARKET.... A STORE! My mom and I were so embarrassed we left the store asap and pretended not to know her. Also any restaurant you go to, she will complain about her meal and even yours- she told the waiter to take back a beer because it was "watered down", I saw him pour it straight from the bottle- no water involved... he came back with just the bottle and explained normally they pour it in a glass to not keep bottles around but he would make an exception for her. This woman still has such a tight grasp on fc balls, if my sis does marry him shes basically marrying her as well. He can not say no to her, he's afraid; or perhaps he just doesn't want to start a fight... but she is a terrible woman and he is still a child with her in the picture.

This relationship should go down the shitter in my opinion- yeah they had fun, they "tried", but obvious FC has too much baggage. He can not move forward.

Seeing him here every other weekend is like a damper on my energy. I feel like I can't fully be myself. I can't get my stuff done because we have company. And I focus on all his negatives- chewing loud, whistling, playing video games almost all day(taking over the family room), making snarky remarks under his breath, farting and burping disgustingly, going to the bathroom for 30+ min with the door open, getting pissy if we don't play a game he brought, him eating everything, wearing a sleep dress(?) all day... so much he does bothers me.... and I'm afraid my sis is blind to it but if (by some miracle) they do marry she will see all this and be so unhappy

I can not control ones actions or inactions...

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The world is unfair and I'm sick of living

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I've always had issues with depression and anxiety, looking back at my childhood after I got diagnosed specific events made more sense.

In 2008/2009 I started therapy to help with the major anxiety issues I was having with. I was in my 1st year of college, not really feeling the college life, not making friends, and stressing about money and my other norms. Therapy helped a lot, kept me sane for a bit, I learned great coping techniques and skills when I could feel my heart racing out of my chest. I continued for a year or two then stopped due to financial issues/I was feeling I could handle my anxieties better.

Also throughout all this my mom has been my rock and very understanding, so that has helped me so so much.

Then about 2013 depression came and lurked it's ugly head. I started isolating myself from my friends, I spent little time doing anything except work/school, I started to think how much I hated living, how much better my family's life would be would be if I wasn't around, how going to college was like hell and I was just going to please my grandfather (I believed I would have upset him if I did not graduate, he bragged to his older brother that I was the 1st in the family to go to a 4 year college.) I tried my best to hide my emotions, I didn't want to burden anyone with my issues. When I was going through this, my Mom quit her job to go back to school so she was going through a lot, and my sister was joining a sorority at her college so she was doing her own thing. Then one very busy weekend for my family, I cracked, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried, told my mom how I just wished I was dead. How I wish I just could just go drive to the Brooklyn bridge and jump. My mom cried, she held me, I went numb. That weekend sucked, I just kept crying... I would wake in the middle of the night and find my mom surrounded by tissues from her crying. I felt so guilty. But me opening up was the best thing I could have done for myself. My mom helped me with a plan, baby steps, I started therapy again, saw a psychiatrist, was placed on meds, took a leave from school and later quit.

My 1st depression episode sucked, but helped me alot. I did still have thoughts of self hatred and wishing for death every night, but I have a family that I can not hurt and I can not put that trauma upon.

Through the years I've had ups and downs, nothing too terrible. I've held steady jobs, had relationships, I've never hurt myself- I think the worse thing I've ever done to myself was try to take myself off my meds- that was a big mess.

Then over a month ago, in March 2019, something hit me. I woke up on a Monday morning and I was hysterically crying, I couldn't make myself go to work, take a shower, eat, anything. My morning alarm would go off and it was like a que for the rain. I would go and crawl in bed with my mom hug her and cry aloud. My dog thought my mom was hurting me and tried to pull her off me, when I was the one holding her (which was very loving for my doggo to do). I called out of work and thought it was just a 1 day thing. The next day, it was deja vu. I called out of work again, then made an appointment with my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist kept asking what triggered this, and to this day, I do not know- I am happy at work, home life is good, money is what it is, nothing horrible- so she increased the meds I was on and added a new one. I started the new one right away, and I was in a fog. I was able to go to work the rest of the week, but I didn't feel physically there. I felt like my normal work flow was not being met, and I even asked my supervisor if I could just take a few walks around the building which is not my norm. The weekend came, I slept.

Monday came again, and so where my tears. I was coming undone. I was lost and scared, and I didn't know what to do. I called out of work. Same with Tuesday. Tuesday I went to the local hospital and they let me go after a few hours stating I wasn't a danger to anyone, but they gave me a lists of ideas for assistance. That Wednesday I called out of work again, I was very afraid I was going to lose my job. I 1st tried calling my psychiatrist, I had to leave a message, and she would call me back. I called a few organizations and treatment centers, but all needed reference letters or couldn't see me right away. My mom, without me knowing, sought help from her psychiatric friend who lives in another state, but grew up where I live-and she advised maybe go inpatient at a different hospital than the one I originally went to. The one she recommended has a very good program, etc. I called my psychiatrist one more time, and I was told again she would need to call me back ( she never did, even though I said emergency and hospital when speaking to her staff.)

My mom drove me to the hospital a few towns over, we went to the emergency room, I explained my "symptoms" and they brought me in to the security section of the emergency room. I was very frightened, I never went through anything like this before. The emergency room for patients with "behavioral health problems " was like a mini isolation prison... like the one I saw on OITNB. I had to wear paper clothes, be security wanded by a officer, and my room had no door handle on the inside. After speaking to the ER dr. and going over things with my mom, I agreed to be inpatient.

I lived on a floor of a hospital for a week with strangers and nurses. The 1st night my anxiety was so bad I destroyed the toliet a dozen times, I know tmi, but I felt awful because I had a roommate and the bathroom doors didn't go to the ceiling fully. The 1st day I met my hospital psychiatrist he was amazed and confused about the medications I was on, he started me from scratch on a new regimen of medications. The nurses were nice, the other patients were all natural and normal. We had visiting daily, my poor mom started having her eye twitch, but I think it helped me, and her, my g-ma, and sister to see the facility was clean, and that I was getting something from being there. There was daily group therapy sessions/learning how to cope lessons. It made me hopeful. Going inpatient was the best decision for me to have made. It was scary, but at the end if the day it shows how strong I am, and I'm doing so much better now.

After the 7 days I was signed to ho to an outpatient program that the hospital holds off campus. I attended that for a month, I wish I never signed up. It was not organized, all the sessions were on coping skills, it wasn't helpful. It was like night and day inpatient and outpatient, and they are hosted by the same hospital program.

I'm done with all that fun stuff, but I still have no clue what caused depression episode 2 to occur. It truly sucked, I lost a month of wages, and idk how much I'm going to owe in medical bills, but I'm back to my normal :)

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My grandmother has been a trigger for my anxiety and depression all my life. She is a very negative, and has said very hurtful things to me throughout my life. She doesn't just single me out, she is a wicked soul to all.

My grandmother grew up as the middle child , 2 older siblings and 2 younger siblings- she was a "popular girl", head of the cheerleading squad, queen of various highschool dances.

She married young,and had her first child, my uncle, at age 21, then had my mother at age 23.

I've heard the horrible things my grandmother said to my mother when she was growing up, and it's like the cycle started again when my sister and I moved into her house.

My mom was not a "popular girl", was not thin, she was a "daddy's girl", independent, a bit on the nerdy side, and not a girly girly like my grandmother dreamed. G-ma said horrible things to my mom when she was a kid about her weight, about her looks, at the time I don't think my mother stood up for herself. She just took it and held onto it, let it fester.

When my sister and I grew up we turned out be be clones of our mother; but what was different was we had each other. When we were younger (and by younger I mean before graduating highschool [I guess a respect thing]) we just took it, and let it fester within us- and talked to each other about what she said about us. Once out of highschool I would call her out on the negative words she'd say, and she would always counter "oh you can't take a joke", "it's just constructive criticism", etc.... The things she has said in the past have never left me. The major one I'll share here is "You look like a fat cow in that dress"- she said this while I was prom dress shopping, I ended up crying in a Macy's fitting room. I've never gone clothes shopping with her again. She makes me feel even more ugly than I already do.

I try my best to figure out why she does this and it's either because she didn't get enough attention as a child or she is just mean.

I would never tell a loved one they look like a fat cow, or any of the other horrible things she has stated over the years to my mom/sister/myself.

When g-ma gets in a mood, I avoid... as she gets older it's becoming harder to live with her peacefully. She has become more negative throughout the years, and I know I can really hurt her feelings if I don't hold my tongue.

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I "graduated" my outpatient program today- the entire experience was a waste of time. I feel I got nothing from it to help me understand my major depression triggers, which was my "out patient goal."

I got a bunch of coping skills to help deal with anxiety and depression, but nothing new. Unfortunately I've seen a hand full of therapists and physiciatrists, read and watched a bunch on depression and anxiety... everything that was went over in the program was just an over view.

There was nearly no therapy, I think if I got to tell my story maybe I could have gotten multiple views and opinions for help.

It was a waste of my time and now I'm feeling guilty about it and upset that I gained nothing. The only big plus from doing an outpatient program was the time I was allowed off from work and how I used that time to over haul all my belongings and organize my life.

I'm having a very strange mix of emotions, and I'm not feeling well about my self right now. I feel so happy I'm done with that stupid program, I feel guilty and upset I got nothing helpful from the program, and antsy to get back to work on next week.

I know many individuals do great with outpatient programs for behavioral health like the one I just completed, but I would never go back to one ever. I would never recommend someone who was in my position to go that route with continuing therapy/treatment after a stay in the hospital for mental health issues.

I'm back to where I was when I was released from the hospital, this time just with a more organized space and an open mind.

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Throughout childhood I was a target for bullying. Before puberty hit, I was teased and picked on because my father died when I was 5, and the fact my family lived with my grandparents. Thinking back those are odd things to be made fun of, in my mind at least; but I grew up in a mainly white town, all picture perfect families where the mother stayed home took care of the house, 2 kids, and dog and the father went to work- my family was 2 mixed kids, a young mother who worked, grandmother who worked, grandfather who stayed home and watched us. My family was very loving and I would have never would have seen something wrong with the layout, but I got teased by cruel children. Kids who said "God took away my father because he didn't love me", "My dad must be my grandfather", "it's not normal to not have a father"... luckily my sibling didn't take any of this in, she (for what I know) doesn't have memories like these.

In an amazingly weird way, my sister and I- who are insanely close- hold things in differently, and I think a major key to it is the fact she is younger. She doesn't remember our father at all. I wonder alot if his accident happened just a year earlier would I be this messed up? But I can only wonder...

I did afterschool activities, I was into the girl scouts... but then one girl called me a witch and convinced all the other girls I was a witch. They stopped calling me by my name, and just called me "Witch". The Scout Leader said "oh they are just having some fun with you." I wasn't having fun, I was getting upset. I quiit the scouts. This all happened because the original girl realized I was the only girl with brown hair, everyone else was blonde.

Once puberty hit bullying got worse. I was one of the 1st in my grade to develop breasts, and I didn't go through stages... no mosquito bites, no tiny water balloons... it was just one day waking up, waking up with giant melons on my chest. From flat to a size D cup in 4th grade, it was embarrassing. I would get unwanted attention from boys, I was never interested in the idea of dating or anything. They would just stare from across the room, say things to make me feel uncomfortable...."You know my favorite type of swimming to watch, Breaststroke." Girls who wanted the boys attention would get jealous and say mean things to me, "It's just basically more fat on your body, you shouldn't be so happy with yourself." Then shortly after my boobs developed i got my period, what a disaster. I bleed through so many pants when I was younger because I was terrified if a girl caught me in the bathroom changing a pad she would tell the rest of the school. I broke out in such bad acne. I gained weight, went up 3-4 pant sizes.

At sleep overs girls would try to get my bra to bring to school, or put in the freezer. They would think I couldn't hear their whispers, over time I learned who I could trust and who was just a mean spirit.

The next few years in school sucked. A boy started a rumor that no guy was intrested in me because they could tell I was a lesbian. Another boy brought beer bottle caps on the bus to just throw at me and each time he hit he would yell "Ugly GOAL!."-got him thrown off the bus. One boy told me "I would be 'ok' looking if I got rid of my blackheads"- I cried, and my Mom and I went to the principal and got the "maybe he just likes you, he didn't mean it", my Mom got even more pissed and then he got thrown off the bus.

I heard terrible things about myself. How my hair is so thick it hides spiders, or how I didnt shower for days- that caused kids to try to leave things in my hair to see if it would be there the next day. Girls wanted to see if duct tape would remove hair, so tried to put some on my arms to rip my arm hair off- they would pretend to be nice then ask to do something mean or crazy like that.

Being made fun of for my looks was one things, but also my grades. We had older teachers who would reveal the worst 5 grades in the class, which for some subjects I would be in the list. My name would be said and kids would laugh, and I would have to sit there and take it. Teachers were also bullies, this did nothing to help a kid in need this just gave more amo for others to use.

Even the nurse made me feel uncomfortable and odd, I would get migraines but because I wouldn't get a temperature she would never believe me. She would think I was trying to get out of a quiz or a class, etc... it wasn't until I threw up on her and my Mom came in to bring home and got to explain to her I inherited migraines from my father, then she listened.

Gym class sometimes felt like the athletic kids where trying to hurt me on purpose. I got hit the face more times than I can count, and more than 1 time I remember hearing "yes!", "score!, "great catch!" then laughter.

Even in band, I was to be 1st flute in our school concert but out of my fear I quit. I was so afraid what others would say I didn't even try.

This was all through my grade school/middle school (my school was pre-K through 8th grade)

I just felt like there was no escape, I was always a target.

So when I got to highschool I had a plan, turn invisible. Invisible people can not get hurt.

This worked like a charm. No one bothered me. I would become visible from time to time, mainly to speak politically against someone brainwashed.

As you can tell I'm not a "popular" girl, I'm not athletic, not that smart, not very attractive- I'm average, still have the Ds, I'm a bit of a nerd/geek. Through school I was fortunate to find my "family", 4 girls who have been with me since pre-k... I still keep in touch with all of them. 3 of the 4 don't speak to the other, but that's their call. I've been there to see my girls exchange vows with the loves of their lives, be pregnant, have children, get homes- I need them to, hopefully one day, be mentally healthy.

I did have another bestfriend at one time who dropped me to become a "popular" girl, looking back I can see she was always selfish and she "made out" with specific people to become one with the "in" crowd

Unfortunately I am still holding on to everything all these bullies said. I'm still afraid of others. I do not see myself as attractive, I do not put myself out there, I play it safe. I still make myself invisible to the world, which is tolerable, but sometimes hurts. I've been my outpatient program for 4 weeks, see the same man each week, and yesterday he asked if I was new to the group. Since no one notices me, I am nobody. I am indeed invisible.

I fear my invisibility will keep me alone forever.

I feel I just babbled with this, which is okay, i believe no one is reading this, but if you happen to stumble upon this... sorry it's poorly written

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The "what ifs" in life are what causes my anxiety go through the roof. Through the years it has gotten better, but my mind never stops, never turns off. I'm an over-thinker and all the "what ifs" creates chaos within.

What if I don't wake up on time? What if I did xyz wrong? What if etc... ?

Questions that can be so trivial or nonsensical, but in the moment incredibly important.

The mind is a horrible monster. It's scary what a chemical imbalance can cause an individual to feel. Depression and anxiety suck.

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Talking to others about my depression and anxiety is very difficult to do. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I only really talk to my mom about my issues, and I even doing that kills me inside.

I know my triggers for my anxiety, I know them very well... but my depression is a different monster. I'll have a day or two where I can't do anything except sleep and cry but I don't know why. My last major depression episode caused me to go to the hospital to get help, and that did help, but I'm clueless to what triggered that episode or what my triggers are.

I don't talk out any feelings though, I keep them to myself. This is what caused my 1st major depression episode that occurred almost 10 years ago. This is when I was 1st diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but looking back in my childhood I've had these issues most my life.

When I get in a bad way I isolate myself. I don't normally socialize alot, social anxiety makes me fear others- so I don't tend to notice myself going into a spiral. And when I do speak out to my friends I find out that they don't know how to handle my issues, and makes me feel guilty for putting them in that situation.

I have had some success with therapis in the past, and some horror stories. I'm working on getting a new therapist, finding someone to talk to is very important to help me move forward.

Depression fucking sucks, and getting help when you don't even want to be alive is backwards to me.... my life is backwards.

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This may sound morbid, and it is definitely attached to my suicidal thoughts, but why can't I agree to have myself humanely killed in a hospital- the hospital can gather my organs, whatever, and give it to a person who wants to live. Or can just use my organs as research- in my eyes it's a win win situation. Why should I continue living when I despise life, myself, humanity, the world when there is someone who can possibly use my heart who wants to grow old? This idea, I hope, one day becomes a reality- of course there will need to be specific guidelines to fallow. I think if a person with depression really does not want to live anymore, and is able to get the support of their family, then they should be able to be humanely killed in a hospital. I think the family of the deceased should have to pay nothing except for mortuary fees, and the family or organization recieving the organs of the deceased should have to pay whatever their insurance doesn't cover (in a perfect world they too would have no fee for a transplant or hospital stay fee.) I think of this often, it's a "cleaner" way to say goodbye, and it allows the depressed to do one more good deed before leaving the world- which I can see to be pleasing to the family and others.

Yes suicide and assisted suicide is con a sin and illegal, but think of how many mothers walk in their child's room and find them dead? Or the other way around, children walk in and and find their parent dead? That causes so much damage to ones mentality. Yes alot of depressed people do get relief from medication and therapy- I'm not saying go directly to death- but personally I would love to have that type of option available for me if I can't continue my fight anymore. That would be my wishing to never wake up again come true.

I'm just going to write this every blurb.... depression fucking sucks.