myocdstory

[myocdstory]

My OCD Story

As a child I would count steps "one, one, two, two, three, three, four, four" on each foot and would count up to 12 (sometimes 20). Sometimes I would count like this when I was not walking. I thought I got this from Sesame Street. In middle school I was obsessed with evenness. When I ate food I would divide it evenly in my mouth. I would step on a sidewalk boxes 4 times before moving my leg to another. I'd have to walk the same number of steps on my left foot as my right foot.  I had to step on tile lines with one foot the same way as the other. In high school I became obsessed with certain events, googling them over and over again. I knew this wasn't normal and possibly rising to the level of a disorder. I played doctor and diagnosed myself with PTSD, but questioned the diagnosis as I did not fit the criteria for PTSD.

At age 19 I kept checking doors repeatedly to see if I locked them and checking toilets to make sure I flushed them. My family was annoyed with me checking the balcony door over and over during the evening, and my sister told me "you already checked" but they weren't severe enough to get help. At this point I realized I had OCD, but questioned whether I really had it since I wasn't washing my hands constantly. To be honest as a teenager I hardly washed my hands. I would wash my hands for 5 seconds after using the bathroom unless they were visibly dirty.

Then my symptoms got worse. If I walked a certain path I had to walk back the same path. I would spend 30 minutes deciding which path to take, which side of the road to walk on. If it takes 15 minutes to walk home, it would take me 1 hour to walk home. Sometimes I moved my hands instead of walking back. At this point it was clear I had OCD. When I was 20 I was late to a psychotherapy appointment because I went back to the beach boardwalk to take a different exit. I at first didn't like the idea of taking meds that would alter my brain. But I knew my OCD was severe enough that therapy alone won't help. Eventually I accepted the fact I needed meds. One time I drank a glass of champagne at a restaurant to help me quell my OCD. But that made my OCD worse. I went home and I was deciding which path to take walking back. Dad was wondering why I haven't come home yet went out to find me and yelled at me. I cried saying I needed a psychiatrist. Dad prints a list of psychiatrists in our insurance, all female. I procrastinated and then misplaced the paper. So at the last minute I used google and found a medical center nearby. I knew there was a new condo at that street and when I googled this placed google earth displayed this new condo. I couldn't find a doctor's name so I assumed there were multiple doctors in one practice. On Friday April 21, I made an appointment. The next available appointment was on Monday April 24. They were literally available all day.

When I got there I saw this place wasn't located in the beautiful condo, but in an old commercial space next door to it. I brought my mom along because I was nervous and she was paying. I filled out a questionnaire. Office staff said I had to take a urinalysis and I asked why since I was there for OCD. Then I saw the psychiatrist. I told him I had OCD and told him my symptoms, "such as walking back and forth, repeating certain phrases, counting steps, etc." He asks as bunch of questions about my history and does the mental status exam, such as who is the president, math problems, what would you do, etc. He asks me checklist questions about my OCD which I could only answer "yes" or "no" such as "do you wash hands" "do you arrange objects" "do you have religious obsessions"?. I answered "no" to many of the questions but most of the questions did not match my symptoms. He continues to ask about my history then asks to speak to my mom. I say no and he says he just wants to ask her questions. He asks about history such as marriage, pregnancy, when I was a young child, etc. Then my mom starts complaining about me sleeping all day, how my dad yelled because of something I did last night, etc. I told her to be quiet but doc insists I let her speak. Doctor asks how old I am and I said I was 21. He said I looked 15, and yes I do look younger than I am. Doctor thought at 21 I should be independent from my parents. At 1st he was discussing a residential facility. He said they have a schedule they will enforce so I can't sleep all day. He then says a residential facility will see I'm smart and suggested a supported apartment. He asked me what I want to be and we started talking about my career plans. He says to call Ohel which offers a supported apartment and employment training. He said he isn't going to prescribe medication as he felt it wasn't needed. I asked "what are you going to do about the OCD?" and he answers with the dismissive gesture that he will treat the OCD. He doesn't make a follow up appointment. I then did the urinalysis and handed office staff the cup. Then I was walking back and forth in and out of the bathroom, touching things until it felt right. I asked the office staff when is the next appointment and they said I can always call to schedule an appointment. I didn't know when to schedule the next appointment. After all they have a lot of availability. I was angry after the appointment. Later that day my mom told me that in order for the doctor to prescribe meds I have to first be evaluated by Ohel. She told me the psychiatrist can't prescribe meds at the first appointment. That night my dad told me to call Ohel.

The next day I heard my mom call Ohel so I picked up the phone. She told them I am "svoyeobraznaya" in Russian which translates as "peculiar" or "not like everyone else". The director told my mom that "is not a diagnosis" and they need a diagnosis. Mom starts telling them diagnosis unrelated to my OCD. I insist she hang up the phone and she got mad. I was not willing to call Ohel after this because I thought she would ruin everything like she did with the appointment. I debated whether I should make another appointment with this doctor. While one part of me said "well this is his treatment plan" I wasn't comfortable with him.

I was still complaining about OCD. I just wanted out of this hell. My dad told me to look for a new psychiatrist and if he has to pay out of pocket, this will be the last psychiatrist he will pay for. I was very picky about my psychiatrist, and would not choose anyone with less than 4 star ratings. He has great reviews, most of which mention medication, is a few blocks from me, and a professional member of the American Psychiatric Association, wrote in his description he treats OCD, and in our insurance plan. But the earliest available appointment was a month away. So, I went to my primary care physician. I was hoping he'd prescribe something to get me out of this hell, but my plan was not to mention medication as I don't want him to think I'm drug seeking.

Doctor leads me to the exam room asking what brings me here. I told him "I am here for OCD If I walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk I have to walk back. I avoid stepping on manhole covers." He says they cannot treat OCD but can refer me to professionals who will. Then he asks me "are you taking meds for this?" and I said no. He asks "why aren't you taking meds?" and I told him I already went to a psychiatrist and he thought I didn't need meds. Doc says "That's not true. You do need meds." I told him I made an appointment with another psychiatrist on ZocDoc but it's a month away. He takes my height and weight at the front of the office and my mom was there. "I will refer you to providers where you don't have to wait a month." Then doc writes the number to a neurologist and Maimonides psychology. He asks what's the name of the doc who refused to prescribe meds. I answered and he says "forget about him". I asked if I should cancel the appointment and he says no. He says "see a neurologist because a psychiatrist will just dismiss her as drug seeking". Mom told him I torture her saying I have OCD. Doc says I am right to torture her as OCD is serious. He told my mom to take this OCD seriously. My mom later told me I went to the wrong specialist.

When I got home dad told me that the neurologist he referred us to isn't in our insurance and gave me a list of doctors in our insurance. One wasn't accepting new patients. One didn't pick up the phone. I called another one and it was in TWO WEEKS. She said there is another neurologist in their office which was available sooner. I said yes and dad googled her to make sure she was in our insurance plan and she was. When I saw her she said I have to see a psychiatrist for OCD. I told her I already saw a psychiatrist who refused to treat my OCD and my primary care doctor said to see a neurologist. She said in the Soviet Union neurologists treated OCD but in America psychiatrists treat OCD and canceled my appointment. So I went to the right specialist all along.

My only option was to wait for the psychiatrist. Waiting is hell. Especially if you are suffering. When I had the appointment with the psychiatrist, I described my symptoms. This psychiatrist has a 2nd job as he is involved in clinical trials. That's why it takes a month to get an appointment. On the 1st appointment he prescribes Prozac 20mg and a refill as he will be on vacation.  I asked about Zoloft and he said Zoloft was not approved for OCD, which isn't true.  Prozac is one pill a day and Zoloft is two pills a day morning and evening. I figured one pill is better than two.

The next day I took the drug and saw it working. I was no longer avoiding gum patches. At first the medicine made me depressed and gave me cold-like symptoms. But those side effects went away. In a month the dose is increased to 40mg. It no longer mattered what I stepped on, manhole covers, sidewalk ventilation grates, cigarette butts, you name it. I stopped walking back and forth.

When I realized I had OCD, I began doing a lot of research. During this research, I discovered I had symptoms of OCD as a child. I didn't know the counting I did, the way I walked, or my obsession with events in high school were all symptoms of OCD. What I went through in high school was called "pure-o", a type of OCD without overt compulsions. This type of OCD is never talked about .The OCD symptoms we talk about are washing hands, arranging objects and being a perfectionist. I was none of that. My room was a mess in high school. If it weren't for my parents cleaning my room, I would be like those people on the hoarder TV shows. After I started medication my dad and I cleaned out my room and I realized I was a hoarder. I couldn't throw away old catalogues, my sister's 2011-12 high school directory (she already graduated high school), etc. When I did research I learned that hoarding is a symptom of OCD.

So I ended up leaving a negative review about the first psychiatrist. I then began to read other reviews about him, most of which were negative. One was that he refused to treat people. Another one is that he seemed irritated working with patients. This is basically how I felt with him. Another review was written after mine. The doctor wrote a prescription incorrectly and patient pointed it out. Doctor begins to chastise the patient saying they are not his only patient, and they cannot expect special treatment, like the doctor returning patient's call. The only reason the patient goes back to them is because they have a lot of availability and the patient needs their meds. I see why they have a lot of availability. This doctor sucks so every patient leaves and doesn't go back to him. Once I left him thank goodness I didn't make another appointment.