mytownhallmeetings-blog

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I hate that I do this too!!

I hate how addicted I get to anything that makes me feel anything

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Are you superstitious?

Yes!!I believe in pretty much everything

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Many wait in the shadows of my mind to take center stage in this play of my life

One of ME

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Whatever...

Well posting everyday sure didn't happen. Not at all shocking really. I can't follow through on any task I start. I Never have been able to.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I don't know if this will ever change. I read and read and try to put into practice all the psych bullshit but in truth nothing changes. I have times of emotional changing that feels like it's actually changing. "It" being the course of my life, but quickly something triggers me and all the panic the fear the anxiety the oppression of wanting to die quickly whips my ass back around on the path in the direction I was working so hard to turn away from. Will I ever change? Will I ever feel hope? Happiness? Peace? Love? Well I ever have a chance to be real and live in a moment not stuck in a obsessing hopeless loop...????

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Sick as f@@@

Sick in bed can't seem to wake.. Living half in this reality and half in a distant place. Dreams seem too close and fears far away.

Part of me is wishing to just not wake.

I'm not asking for death, I want to Stay in this place. Right here right now.. I feel hope and a strength in the lack of fear that's present.

I feel I can do anything. Grab shit up, do things as I see fit, own the moment and finally take command.

There is no right there is no wrong.. Only this moment that won't last long. I can be famous in my virtual world, I can be something, I can be nothing even non existant if I choose that as well.

If I wake, then the choices are over and that reality sword pierces me once more.. It brings me to this conscious state and its there that I then become what I hate to be...

It's what they see. They being my family.. What they see is nothing important. Nothing special just fragments of me..

A weird and wonderful disaster at best. The children who are little spawns of me but rarely do they stop to come see how I am. Instead they quickly run in and out of the house while shaking their heads. They just don't understand. They just don't get the mess I am..

With no where to belong, and no where to go, it leaves me laying in a coffin just about 2 ft tall.. Some would call it a bed or a place of rest, I say it's my heaven and it's my hell all rolled into one. It's the place I live most of my life stuck.

It's the place that I can fly in my dreams, and it's the place I am caged in reality. It's the prison cell in my world of black and white.. It is the space I am truly afraid of.

One min I'm free from the restraints this reality holds me in. One min I'm bound and shackled to observe those coming In and out living their lives while mine is passing by..

But when they do stop for a moment and glance down the hall.. When they stop to stare in here it feels like strangers sneaking a peek.. Wanting to look at the freak, the one who's 40 years old body breaking down, covered in sores, often angry and bleak...

I can't seem to speak the words to help them see me. To see everything that's happening that they can't see.. Things that happen to me while I lay in this room in this bed for days on end tired and alone. I never get to say things like here is where I Live out my dreams and my nightmares.. I never get to say that I do it all within the confinement of this very small padded square.. In a square room on a square bed with a small square window above my head..

I cross off the days one by one counting them down.. Crossing off the days of my life until the very last one..

I have many regrets, many things I never got to do or say.. Many moments in life have yet to be lived.. But its impossible to live them from this bed.. I fear the night, I fear the dawn, I fear the hours and hours that are filled with the echos of kids down the hall.. Laughing and living their lives without me.. I often cry out to God.. Why has he forgotten me? It's harder and harder to keep my faith. To keep this smile upon my face.. I try and keep it held up so tight.. So no one can see the real pain in my life.. If very few will come and stay because they can't handle my pain..

Then isn't it truth that if the few really knew how it is.. The truth that its just a small portion of the real pain I'm in.. Then isn't it safe to assume that surely they wouldn't come back again.. I stopped dreaming about a day when I would get up and be like I used to be..

I stopped praying for God to please wash away all of the bad choices I've made..

I spend my time now looking out from this glass.. to the world I see.. Looking From this little square beneath my feet..

I look out and take a deep breath.. I then bow my head to pray. I pray to God that my children will never know this pain.. That they will never ever get like this.. I try to breathe as panic wrestles with me.. And as tears fall from my cheek.. I try to breathe and ask God please don't let any of my girls be anything like me.. Let them live their lives out loud.. Let them live without their heads held down..let them silence the demons that have been passed down.. Let them know I loved them so.. Let them know I did my best.. I gave them all I had to give..

I never settled for less.. Let them see with eyes of love that even when I messed up.. I never gave up.

Let them believe that they meant the world to me.. I wanted more for them then I was able to give but I never stopped trying to change and be the mom they wanted and needed me to be...

God hear these cries within me.. God please help them understand..

If or When the day comes that I can't fight anymore..should the day come that I raise my white flag..

Help them see that it wasn't their fault.

They had no blame in why I'm not here anymore.. God please can you give them just a few more things.. Please.. Will you give them back the memories of all the times I made their day, the times I wasn't late.. The times I showed them how amazing they are..

Help them remember I wasn't always this mom who's is half dead in bed not able to live their lives with them.

Help them remember all the late night movies and episodes of Roseanne.. Oreo cookies and great big barbie parties.. Halloween haunted houses that took weeks to build and great big bounce houses with water slides having fun all day and night... Remember that they always had the Latest toys and gadgets.. And things like iphones and trendy jackets.. All these things I couldn't afford.. And even when by society eyes I couldn't afford them.. Didn't deserve them, and I didn't have the proper way to get them.. It didn't stop me at all.. I didn't let them be disappointed.. I showed up and did it all.. But show them please that all those things were just a small portion of what I wanted them to have..

When the time comes and if I have to go.. Let them know that I left this world because I got a gift from you.. A gift To finally know peace.. To finally have to not fight to breathe.. Something I never found here on earth

God Help them to remember me on days they want to give up.. Show them That they just can't stop...that everything I ever was I invested in them.. .. Every bit of my blood sweat and tears I gave them..

I believed in their greatness.. But most of all.. Please.. help them believe that all these words are truth.. I just didn't know exactly how to show it whole on earth.. But In my heart they were everything to me.. All that I was..

The only things that were right in my life.. All that gave me hope and filled my dark with light.. All of the fight I had within me.. came in the way of the 5 little lives You gave me..

And God.. when you think there is a moment they are quiet and listening.. Please Whisper to them one by one.. I will love you forever and always.. Forever and always my baby they will be.

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Sleeping today away... Not going to fight myself today about everything I think or do...

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Pain is the catalyst for change, and much pain will surely make you move

Sharon Mosley

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F@@$$ this way of existing!!

They say I have a life.. HA!! I say I am barely existing. Can't see ahead can't remember what the fuck happened behind me... Constantly in a whirlwind of shit flying at me not in touch with reality.. Blow by blow... Detaching... Fading... If it were the end of my pain.. WOW WHAT A DREAM THAT WOULD BE... If there was no coming back around to face it all again the next moment I see or hear something from my distorted perception.. Well I would welcome the end of my suffering, but it's not that easy.. Nope.. There is another fkn shit storm already waiting for me... As soon as I fight my way back to the present reality.. SMACK!! THE PAIN THAT HITS IS ALL TO FAMILIAR THESE DAYS... And here we go again...

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many of the people i follow are inactive, so i need to follow some more! pls like/reblog if you post about:

mental health (advice/venting/shitposting, idc)

bpd

bipolar disorder

dissociation

ed’s

anxiety

depression

recovery

& i’ll check out your blog! ☀️

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What happened today?

Well day 2 of my walking out this personal blog. I only slept 2 hours. Got my sister and kids ready and out the door by 9am. Was a little sleepy but not bad, watched a friend video journal she sent me and was feeling positive, hopeful for the day ahead. I have a ton of things I need to get done before tomorrow night. Tomorrow we head down south to the Sidewalk Prophets concert. We will be spending the night in a hotel.. And yep its fkn valentines day as well. Why why why do I put so much pressure on myself. Everything has to be a certain way, I have to feel a certain way, and the outcome has to be predicted a certain way in order for me to get the tasks done on the list. If a situation catches me off guard, if a emotion rises or falls and I didn't expect it.. BAM! Lights out I'm in a coma like sleep state of mind and I go paralyzed. I can't function. I only want to sleep. If I don't lay down. And sleep then alters surface. The town hall meeting begins and I have one last ditch effort to pull it together and take command do to speak but the window is small. If I don't succeed then I loose all say in anything and everything happening inside me and in the actions following whoever takes over the driver seat. I hate this. I hate loosing control. I don't understand wtf happened today. I didn't see anything going wrong. Is this a self sabotosh for the trip? Do I have some unresolved issues about the last trip? About valentines day? About my relationship? Like what is the problem really? Or is this another bpd moment and nothing is wrong, I'm not living in reality and I'm questioning a delusional thought process that's got me trapped within it again. God help me. This is no way to live. How the hell do you change your life, your way of reacting to people and situations, how do I make better choices and be more active and apart of my family, my life, when EVERYTHING I SEE FEEL AND BELIEVE IN THE MOMENT IS SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH.. SO FAR FROM REALITY??

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Just hitting send...

Today is day #1 in starting this new quest. I am going to attempt to share my struggles with those out there who feel do alone. I am going to be doing daily journal's via video and social blogging sharing the many ups and downs in my days. The crazy random thoughts and the momentary breaks in sanity that I often have. Living with any mental illness is so hard. It's hard to just BE in your own skin, but it's harder to live within a society that either glorifies the twisted delusions that can be attached to many of them.. Or they label you and discard anything you might have to offer the world because your "mental" or sick, defective and incapable of doing anything for anyone else.. For God's sake you can barely manage yourself. Where there is a thread of truth in that, I find that my day to day success comes from those that I help or help me get through each trial by self reflecting. Seeing myself in another though it's usually not fun.. Or seeing someone change their way of thinking or reacting because of a life lesson I learned and shared with them. It's in those moments that the strength comes to go another round. Being able to talk to other who struggle with depression or anxiety BPD or multiple personalities. Add or PTSD.. I like hearing their battles and the outcome. What did they see? Think? Or feel when faced with the specific situation? I have been able to take that info and store it away in my mind and reflect back giving me a momentary break in my contiual cycles that loop all day long and in that time of pause. I can see a wider picture, and have the ability outside of my head and the insanity within.. I can actually choose differently.. I hope that in my posts I am able to reach people and have them reach back. Sharing their struggles good bad or in different. We all have a story to tell. Each one unique and can offer hope, wisdom, strength, and often happiness believe it or not.. My crazy ass stories often make people laugh they are so unreal.. 🤣 so if you want to reach back message me and let's connect!