myvoicessaynicethings

[myvoicessaynicethings]

Back from 2019

It's been years since I posted anything on this site, let alone talked about tulpas or DID or OSDD. As I've gotten away from- well hell, I'd call it, I've needed people in my head less and less. There are certain points in my life where my headmates are more active. Times of stress and lonliness. I'd say I usually fill that feeling of lonliness with fanfiction, looking at too much porn, and scrolling grindr for questionable guys..... Actually not much has changed in that department lol. I haven't seen anyone besides- (not including Eden bc he'll "always come back)- Kankri in years. Kankri was a brief appearance maybe 2-3 years ago. My therapist has actually met Eden quite a few times. He was chill about it unlike the people in Spokane (it was more severe back then though and I was saying and doing a lot more questionable things). Eden was more active when I first moved back with my parents in 2020, and since living with my partner (I believe that was 2023?) he's come around less and less. Part of it is that we both feel like my partner doesn't like him. We know he doesn't HATE him, just I think he makes him uncomfortable. That's always a discouraging factor in the "mindset" that is having a headmate like the kind I developed. I think as always he comes out more than I notice, because we are eachother in a lot of ways and the shifts aren't super hard/disorientating. We don't sort of forget things anymore- not because of shifting. My memory is actually pretty bad, I think because of ADHD? It could be trauma though, who knows. He's grown a lot since we were teens. I guess I have too. Instead of "just do it you idiot," it's "don't worry about that," or "stop being a dick to yourself." He's softened around the edges from a persecutor to a protector. Part of me wants to "bring him back," again. Talk to him more. I love him a lot and I think he WILL "always come back." 2013/4 or something, I'm glad I had him. I was so lonely that he stopped being fiction and became real. I needed that so badly. Homeschooling, no in person friends. It was really hell. I'd wake up at 4am just so I could sneak down stairs to make my meals for the day, run up the stairs, and lock myself in my room. I hated being alone but I couldn't stand being around my parents. They put me on edge. Eden used to be, or sort of represent everything I wanted to be. I wanted to be strong, masculine, cool, someone who could just "deal with it." I didn't want to be lazy, or weak, or out of control. I felt lazy because I was too stressed to do anything, or- porque no los dos- had ADHD and couldn't focus enough to choose something to do- executive dysfunction. Now I kind of am those things. Not the list of things I wrote but the vibes of the things he was able to do for me that I couldn't at the time. I'm more collected, more presistant (I was homeschooled and I don't care to learn to spell at 25), tenacious (I like that word too much). Because I'm able to do so much now, I don't need him. But I love and miss him. I think I'll talk to him more.

[myvoicessaynicethings]

[myvoicessaynicethings]

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[myvoicessaynicethings]

[myvoicessaynicethings]

Im going through the Scott McCloud expression list to practice drawing emotion.

[myvoicessaynicethings]

Hal

I want to look cool and in control but its 5am and I’m not a super computer and it shows. 

[myvoicessaynicethings]

At the park no eraser

[myvoicessaynicethings]

I think the happier Eden is the more he acts like a flowy littel ghost boy all floatjng around and lounging

[myvoicessaynicethings]

This is eden but he’s usually a lot paler- but we dont have any lighter skin tone watercolors

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[myvoicessaynicethings]

I dont really reblog things on this account but this was a system mood

the only way to do is by trying and failing and resting and trying and failing again forever

[myvoicessaynicethings]

This technically belongs here too but we dont talk about head Cronus. Head Cronus is a dick.

[myvoicessaynicethings]

honestly i’m kinning Hal more than I’m talking to him. “Same difference” he says

[myvoicessaynicethings]

updates on Hal

Interacting with Lil Hal over 9000, has been a pretty positive addition to my life. He tends to interject with logical opinions and a bit of sas. He questions thigns I think, and helps me prossess why I think them. Where as Eden is generally the more “deal with it” type, Hal tries to find solutions. I think both aproches are valuable and wanted. However I’ve noticed having Hal around makes Eden’s apearances less common. Where Eden fronts I wouldn’t say Hal has the desire to, or rather we’ve had an agreement that he wont. He tends to be a bit... Much for people, and his habits of hyper-analyzation and need for control can be a bit problematic if not leaning on cold nosiness and manipulation. But agian I think Eden is less present because Hal and him fill a simular role. As well as the fact that Eden prefers to come out at night or when around friends. We haven’t been doing either so thats a big impact as to why. Another reason is the frequency of my initiating conversation. I think if I can get into the habit of interacting with both of them I can regain some of the more full aspects of tulpamancy that have been fading. I think having a more distracted mind would help me not dwell so much on the present and focus on... The present. if that makes sense.

[myvoicessaynicethings]

https://shinyuu.net/2019/09/are-tulpas-a-mental-disorder/

[myvoicessaynicethings]

I’m not super happy with the emptiness in my head or the strength of my dudes fronting so I think I’m going to try and get back on a tulpa discord of some sort and try and sort that out.