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Welcome to My BPD blog

Hi, my name is Nicole. I’m nineteen and I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for nine months, but I’ve exhibited symptoms of BPD since I was eleven or twelve. I’m starting this blog to help myself heal from BPD.

I’ve always had a strained relationship with my parents. My father wasn’t the father people saw on TV shows. My mom wasn’t perfect either, drowning her sorrows in a bottle of tequila or two 20-ounce cans of Coors Light. They always forgot I was there. Being an only child I was so alone and I started exhibiting attention-seeking behavior such as pathological lying and self-harm. The self-harm was originally for attention from those around me, but then it turned into a way to release my pain, then it turned into a way for me to feel something. I would abuse substances at very young ages and was sexually active very young. At fifteen I had even attempted to take my own life. Just to preface, I’m not judging anyone who is recovering and struggling. These are just self-destructive behaviors I took part in which made it so much worse for me.

As I got older fifteen and sixteen I would have sex with men who were often older than me to feel loved. They were pedophiles who just wanted to get laid. Even though these men just saw me as a piece of ass, I would cling to them and when they would block me I would feel so devastated I would have suicidal thoughts. Was I not good enough for these men? No, I was too good for them. I was just in such a bad place not receiving love from my family, I would try to fill the void with sex, drugs, and a new friend group every other month. I only had one friend who stuck by my side in high school until one day she blocked me on everything, because “I was too much.” I saw her as Satan after she did that. I felt like she had ruined my life. Let’s just call her Kathy. However, after that happened I was alone. Had no friendships and I realized, maybe I was the problem. On top of that the guy I was seeing called me a whore and a mistake and once again I heard the phrase “you’re too much.” It clicked and I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. Being late in 2020 in the middle of my senior year of high school which was all online, with no job, I knew I had to pull up my big girl pants and start recovery. That recovery started with a Bipolar II diagnosis, which many people who are Borderline get. However, that was not the truth. I lived with that diagnosis for a year and a half, but it never resonated with me.

I moved from California to Montana for college which was a huge part of my recovery. Within a week I had already had my “favorite person” picked out. His name was Sam and I spent every single day of orientation week with him. End of the week we ended up hooking up, and afterward, I flipped. I would get paranoid he was going to ghost me. I would Snapchat at him saying he didn’t care about me and one day I threw his sweatshirt out the window at him from the fourth floor of my dorm. I blocked him and cried every single night. There it was, not the Bipolar disorder, but the BPD. That’s when I seriously knew I wasn’t Bipolar, but something was wrong. However, I still continued that toxic behavior. For the rest of the first semester of college, it was just a pattern of Sams. Then I went home for Christmas and there were no more Sams. I couldn’t bring myself to text any of the old hookups I had in California because I was embarrassed. I was able to go back to the job I had before I left for college and I spent my nights journaling and watching youtube videos about BPD. I reflected on my past behaviors from the past semester and I just felt embarrassed. I didn’t want to be like that anymore.

In February 2022, I deleted my own social media so things to be quiet. I figure my shit out. Being in the second semester of my first year of college I was still adjusting to the move and trying to figure out what was wrong. I had therapy once a week. I talked about my past traumas as a child, I dissected all my behaviors and started plans to help me cope with my destructive behaviors.

A year later, I’m still on my BPD healing journey. There are so many more details I left out of this, which I want to cover more as I continue this blog. I’m doing this as a way to help me heal and hopefully, it can inspire others while I go on this journey. If I even help one person from this post or blog I will feel like I have done something to help. 

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I’m going on vacation tomorrow. I will have no service and I’ll be stuck with my family. Ugh. However, maybe it’ll be a good thing. I’m bring five books. Two of which are self help books. I think it’ll be a nice time to think about everything going on in my life all the changes coming up soon. I find the time quickly flying past me and there’s so many people that want to see me and I don’t know if I want to see them. I have this ex. Would I even call it an ex??? This guy I've been on and off for a year and a half I call him my shitty ex, but in all actuality I’m really confused on what him and I were in the first place. Lovers??? Friends with benefits??? I really want to take this vacation to really pick apart how I feel about him. What this past year and a half meant to me. I texted him the other day and I asked him how he felt about me and he said everything I wanted him to say. Everything he felt was everything I wanted to feel. This isn’t his blog so I won’t share what he said. However, ask he explained to me how he felt it left me questioning how I feel. I know I’m physically attracted to him. I know I do not trust him. I know that I once hated him with a passion. I know that now I don’t hate him, rather I really care about him. He said I love you to me about three weeks ago. It kinda slipped up in conversation. I couldn’t say it back. I still feel some guilt about that because I think I hurt him. Now, I just have no idea what I want to say, do, talk about, with him. After I get back from my vacation we’re hanging out again, for the first time in a very very long time. He was in Arizona this whole week so we weren’t able to see each other now. I’m going to spend the week not only thinking about what him and I mean/were/am, but I’m going to reevaluate my friendships. Who I really care about, who I want to keep in touch with throughout college, who I can trust. Every week I make a list of people I can trust in my journal. I’m really happy to say I was able to add a new person. That person is my friend, let’s call her Sadie. Her and I have a lot of stuff in common and I’ve found myself opening up to her about a lot of things from my past and she didn’t judge me. She validated me. It’s really nice knowing I have someone like that to trust. Especially someone my age because I find myself trusting my 20-year-old cousin, my 53 year old co-worker, and my 40 something year old therapist more than I trust my peers. I’ll keep you guys updated on my trip. I saw I got a couple new followers. They’re probably bots, but that’s okay. 

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I was at the beach today. It’s not like the ocean, it was beach around the bay. I had come there with my cousin, but she was on the phone with her girlfriend. I gave her that time to talk to her girlfriend and I sat on a log at the end of the beach and watched the cotton candy skies and listened to the waves crash up against the rocks. For the fist time I felt very content. I was all alone on that log, as I listened to the waves crash. I watched boats in the water in the distance. While sitting on the log I kept thinking about how I leave for Montana in exactly two months. That’s where I start a new. This all won’t be here the bay, the log, the boats floating across the ocean and I feel like I have so many things to do here before I leave. See all these people before I go, get closure with my ex(which would probs just be sex and leave me just as confused as I am now), work a certain amount of days. In that moment of sitting on the log I had no care in the entire world. I didn’t think about my shitty ex or my terrible best friend. I was totally okay with being alone. I didn’t need to do anything. I just sat there and enjoyed the beautiful view that was right in front of me. When I thought about Montana I didn’t have this anxiety. I just thought about how it was going to be a clean slate. Nobody knows me. They don’t know about my past, my hurt, my trauma, and they don’t have to know unless I tell them. Which I don’t plan too because it’s not important. Sure, a lot of it does matter to me, but what does my ex here in California have to do with my new life in Montana. It doesn’t mean jack shit. 

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logged out of snap and now I feel so left out

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lol just me talking

Tumblr can be a super toxic place, but I think there are a lot of positives on here as well. If you stumble across this post and you relate to it in the slightest it’ll make my day because I feel so lonely and I want to find people who relate to me. Right before my birthday last year I lost my best friend of eight years. She didn’t die, but she just blocked me on everything. No explanation why. The cherry on top was it was a week before my birthday, my favorite day of the entire year. So here I am nine months later graduated from high school, moving to another state, brand new friends, and I’ll never see her again. I still mourn the death of our friendship. She never told me what I did wrong and what I did to make her hate me so much. Over these past nine mo the I’ve been trying to cope with the fact I may never get closure. I try to tell myself it’s okay not to have closure, but it’s hard to believe that. Now, I try to form new relationships with people whether it be romantic or platonic and I struggle trusting them. ‘m afraid they’re going to leave me like she did. I just want these trust and/or abandonment issues to go away. Today I woke up totally depressed about it all. the friendship with her, my relationships with others, my trust in friends, and I called a hotline because I just needed to talk. When I feel like I don’t trust anyone I call a hotline because it makes me feel less lonely. I talked to the person for fifteen minutes and it was the nicest fifteen minutes I’ve had in awhile because I was just totally validated. I got everything out in those fifteen minutes and the sweet person on the other end totally validated me. I think I’m going to take some time to focus on me. I’m going to take a break from the people I struggle to trust and just work my shit out. I’m trie of feeling lonely and depressed and maybe if this blog post gets to the right crowd I won’t feel as alone. I know there are people out there like me, but they’re just not around me right now. Thank you for reading.

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my question is: who hurt Lana Del Rey?

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I am too young and I’ve loved you too much.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky (via sunsetquotes)

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SAAY CYBƏR ICØNS

like or reblog if u save/use pls !

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Lana Del Rey (through the years)

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Megan Fox as Jennifer Check in Jennifer’s Body (2009)