napdreamnightdream

[napdreamnightdream]

January 28, 2017 | extended reduced dosage

2017.5

Night, gray. So much drinking is happening, I forget if I’m drunk or not. Because I am most sober I have to drive everyone home, all over Manhattan. I start dropping people off, including an older woman and Brandi. At some point we are all back at the same party where we started -- everyone decided they wanted to keep drinking. I keep having problems with the car: it won’t brake quickly enough, I hit a cop car, I hit pedestrians, there are huge blindspots. Nick V is in the passenger seat and I tell him to give me directions, but he can’t figure out which direction we’re facing. I’m annoyed. Eventually we figure out that we have to backtrack around a portion of highway in order to head the proper direction. On our detour we run across Chris Harral who recommends we attend a messy party at a suburban house. He says there are a lot of drugs but he doesn’t partake. We stop at the house but nobody is there. The party is over, it’s daytime, and the parents are coming home. I gather up some pens, which seems very necessary, then the three of us (Nick, Nikk, and myself) try to orchestrate our departure without attracting the attention of the parents. There are glow-in-the-dark stars sticky-tacked to the ceiling and I wish we had taken them. We leave and then I’m with Becca, and she’s telling me about Nick -- says she realized he was gay after being with him for a while. I’m skeptical but also somehow shaken by her assertion. I press her for more information, and simultaneously try to think of any signs I may have overlooked that might elucidate Nick’s sexual preferences.

[napdreamnightdream]

January 27, 2017

2017.1

Night, gray. I am a child, speaking to my mother on the phone, asking her to tell me a story about a girl... My mother is young as well. She says she doesn’t remember the story, and it occurs to me that she might be at a party or with friends, annoyed that her baby is interrupting. I say I’ll tell the story to myself, and then she feels bad.

2017.1.1

Night, white. I’m in a children’s hospital with a white male doctor. The halls are narrow. Soon I will have a major surgery. Neither of my parents can attend, and it’s terrifying to me that, should I die, they might not be present. I sit on a large, unmade hospital bed and tell the male doctor about I dream I had in which a black crow comes to me. I fear the crow foreshadows my death and begin to cry, keenly recognizing that the doctor is a poor substitute for a parent.

2017.2

Night, black. Regarding my red Adidas from Tokyo, I want to say: I purchased these shoes over a decade ago.

2017.3

Night, gray. It is January 20-something, I am fully packed for Italy, but then miss my Thursday 8:00 AM flight. I want to blame my mother (knowing that she will accept the blame), but it’s not her fault. The next available flight departs January 30th, and I cry thinking I will have to miss another week of classes.

2017.4

Night, black. I sit at a table with several people, including Tim and Abby. Someone asks me about Tim. I say I used to love him, but I don’t know if I do anymore. I tell the person that after I left Beijing Tim reconnected with his ex, and it’s understood that this is somehow unforgivable. I speak to this person quietly, but part of me hopes Tim will hear.

[napdreamnightdream]

November 6, 2015 | unedited

i’m giving tim a blowjob, finally, and i know it’s a good blowjob. he keeps talking. i want him to just enjoy it, but he keeps talking.

[napdreamnightdream]

August 8, 2015 | unedited

megan video, mom asks me what kind of person i am, i eat stolen cauliflower

[napdreamnightdream]

August 6, 2015

Night, white. I am in the concrete staircases, opening doors and behind the doors are more staircases, then I open one and it leads to a small square apartment. It's warm and there are plants all around it which give it a feeling of privacy. I find it again later to show Abby and she says grant used to live in one of those apartments.

There's a swing in or near my childhood home. There's an old man in poor health resting in a bed. I take some children including Margot to the swing and tell them they need to be careful around the fragile things in my mothers house.

  A dog chases a cat and wants to kill it. Fucking dog. I jump on top of the dog to slow it down. It's mad & what I'm doing is dangerous, dog surfing like this.

My dream bike arrives from China. It's beautiful but the brakes are unresponsive so I'm afraid to ride it. I think about going to find my bike guy so he can replace the brake pads.

I run into Tim. His hair is different. We hold hands, even though we have things to talk about. We're walking through white halls.

Abby and I are at an airport slash subway stop. There seems to be some issue with our metrocards slash boarding passes. Ms Anderson (?) keeps telling us we've done something wrong but won't help us fix it. She says my carry on is too big.

[napdreamnightdream]

August 5, 2015

Night, black. in car w mom and dumbledore asking for money for my hair. The words come to me. They say I won't get money, so I take the stack of torn paper and leave. I call Sophie Emma. She says I'm more articulate than my family. I say I'm more worried about the mountain than the hot valley. I'm on top of a tree with Nikk looking at living foliage. Suddenly a guy in black starts singing. It's sinister somehow. I start dancing with someone. We have to dance. I laugh too. Someone tells a story about a woman who gets stabbed in the head.

Night, gray. Theo gives us some food then starts talking nonsense. I ask if he's high. The food had weed in it.

[napdreamnightdream]

August 4, 2015 | unedited

Night, gray. Tim show seattle I want to text him. Risa, bus, speaking chinese at newsstand, late for bus, speaking chinese to bus driver 可以在这边下车吗？

[napdreamnightdream]

August 3, 2015

141

I'm hanging out on a bed with Mark B and two others. Mark and I are flirtatious. I'm wearing a shirt and something gets stuck between the layers. Mark pulls me towards him to sort it out, then kisses my shoulder. The two others are like, let's get out of here. Mark says he's been wanting to hook up with me for months. He hasn't even known me for months. I say I want to hook up with him too. He's like "well are we gonna?" And I'm like I don't know. I want to fuck him so bad I have to take some deep breaths to get over it. He says he's going to "smoke a jj"

[napdreamnightdream]

July 31, 2015

136

Night, gray. I'm taking care of Ivo. I lift his legs up and bend his knees toward his chest to relieve his gas. It drastically calms him down, he sleeps, but his joints feel creaky and old. I worry that he's not being well taken care of. There is something on his bed making noise and I'm afraid it will wake him.

137

Night, black. I take Margot to a sofa. Sahil is there and asks why something is wet. I say it's the condensation from a cold cup.

138

Night, black. A girl says she won't marry a man but as soon as he leaves she changes her mind. A kangaroo jumps past and she tells the kangaroo to follow the man. She chases after it. The man kisses someone else backlit by the sun and doesn't see the kangaroo, but eventually she catches up to him. Maybe there's a kangaroo stampede.

139

Night, black. I'm standing on a windowsill trying to convey messages to a person inside without her seeing us. I'm with someone else who keeps making herself known, usually by fiddling with the curtains too much. The person inside the room comes out to where we are and asks wtf we're doing.

140

Night, gray. I'm on a tiny boat at Alyssa's house. Alyssa has just gone out to a pink buoy and opened it up to get a stash of money out. Something of mine--a time capsule element maybe--is also in the buoy. In the boat Alyssa drives us back towards her house to dock. They have their own personal boat gas station. It strikes me that they must be very wealthy. A worker comes out to do something with the boat and I have to get my legs wet.

[napdreamnightdream]

July 30, 2015

134

Night, black. Tim and I are fucking with clothes on. He can’t come but I don’t mind I just want to be close to him.

135

Night, gray. There’s an expanse of water that looks super dirty. I don’t want to swim through it so I don’t. Theo ignores his girlfriend and flirts with me. It makes everyone uncomfortable. Nikk takes off to go on a trip. He has a lot of suitcases so he has to change his transportation plans. I catch up to him right before he goes through security and give him a sloppy hug.

[napdreamnightdream]

July 27, 2015

133

Night, black. My father dies at age 55 and I am inconsolable. I have to pack for a flight. I have so much shit and not a lot of time. I am running through the airport.

[napdreamnightdream]

July 25, 2015

132

Night, gray. My father writes a poem that exalts my mother’s sisters but not my mother, because she tends to go back on her word. There’s a childish passive aggression in the way my father presents his poem, an unwillingness to confront his frustrations in a straightforward way, the way children will pout until someone asks them “What’s wrong?” or the way adolescents will avoid calling someone out directly by yelling thinks like “Not naming any names, but...” 

[napdreamnightdream]

July 21, 2015

131

Night, black. A man says he has a hard time explaining wanting to die. He’s on a boat maybe. I want to ask him who’s taking over -- is he the one that wants to die? He asks if I have time to present a short instructional video. French press.

[napdreamnightdream]

July 20, 2015

130

Night, white. There are huge snails about. Big as people. Someone is playing tennis and we have resigned ourselves to losing, especially with this storm coming, wet and dangerous.

130.1

Night, white. In a shop I look at hats and think about buying seven of them. I choose a bunch then pare down the selection. They’re all very cute: pastel pinks and yellows, glitter, animal ears. I anticipate having to bargain for them.

131

Night, gray. I run at Tim with a large spear or something. He’s like wtf. I don’t intend to hurt him, just scare him or piss him off maybe. Later I take a nap in the house where we both live. In order to gain entry to my room, Tim appeals to John D and the contract we all signed when we moved in that said we couldn’t take naps. All the tenants come in and wake me up. I’m annoyed--we all know it’s a stupid rule that everyone breaks all the time. Jessica G--who is Tim--cries and says she doesn’t understand why I’m avoiding her and I think about how that makes her so much less desirable, to be desperate like that. Then I think about how unattractive I must seem, loving someone from continents away.

[napdreamnightdream]

July 4, 2015

129

Night, gray. Krista Smith sleeps in a small space. I deem it inhuman and choose not to participate. She’s judged by different standards.

[napdreamnightdream]

July 2, 2015

128

Night, white. I am at a party for myself. There are a bunch of people there that I don’t know but I embrace them like I’m happy to see them. I want Tim to be there so I beg him to come. He has to travel a long way but he shows up with Ivan. I’m indescribably happy to see them. Ivan walks through the door wearing a red shirt. Then Tim is there wearing a blue flannel and jeans and we hug and as we hug we start spinning around and around until I’m completely disoriented and when we let go I can’t tell which direction I came from. We go back to the party and he explains he resents having to be there: it’s ridiculous for me to want him to travel so far to be with me. He and Ivan leave soon after and after they go I have no reason to stay so I start walking. I wonder if I’ve made it harder for myself by seeing him again. It feels like something has ended. Then I realize I forgot to say goodbye to some people so I run back to the party with renewed enthusiasm. Those people have already left so I start walking again. I’m in Florence or Milan and I can’t find my way back to my hotel room, even after repeatedly trying to triangulate myself using the streets and buildings as landmarks. I look at some guy’s map, but it doesn’t make sense. Nothing is familiar enough.

[napdreamnightdream]

June 27, 2015

127

Night, gray. Abby says she likes Noah’s feathered hair. It looks ridiculous. A program meant to reintegrate students who have been away a long time stipulates that we pretend as if we’re swimming to music. I was gone, caught up in a scary situation in which I took shelter in a dungeon and accepted work from creepy craigslist ads.