nataliebunbun-blog

[nataliebunbun-blog]

Just a phase huh

okey so let's go back to the very beginning, where it all began

da da daaaa

Yeah the earliest memory i have of my childhood isn't much and long and i don't have a lot of them but i remember me and my little sister playing dressup, playing A LOT with barbie, watching what you would call ''girl'' shows and movies, me and my little sister playing with our imaginary friend Samantha, that is the earliest part of my life that i remember where it could point to me being trans a little, then my life is pretty blank until i remember in school i never was with boys only girls because boys were immature and had boring games while the girls had fun games, like princess games and mother, father, daughter games where i was always the daughter, and i remember saying i want to be a mother when i grow up and people telling me i couldn't be that, that i would be a father but i never understood why i couldn't be a mother and i didnt want to be a father, that was kind of a obvious sign something wasn't like most guys but annnyyyywaaaayyys

I never told you how the bullying started in the first place, they started bullying me for many reasons but mostly because i was girly, only hung out with the girls and liked girl games and they didn't like that, hence the bullying, the reason i got beaten down after school all the time, it was because i was more a girl then a boy, i remember my sister putting on makeup on me putting me in a dress, i didn't like it cause of the faces people gave me, but the actual dress was pretty neat but people laughing wasn't fun..

all the days i was on my way to school i used to imagine that i had a super power, and it was that i could transform into a girl at will, and every time i was on my way to school i used to pretend that i magically became a girl through my super power, then when i came to school i stopped pretending it.. cause i didn't wanna create more attention..

do you know how hard it was for me growing up? to hit puberty? i can tell you how ''fun'' it was to grow up and seeing all the girls turn into beautiful girls and women, for them to get breasts and amazing figures, but i didn't, i didn't get those things, i was so f***** jealous, why didn't i became pretty, why wasn't i a girl, why did they get those thing and i didn't, then i hit puberty.... the day i hit puberty was the day i couldn't hide it from myself anymore, hitting puberty destroyed my life, i didn't want a fucking ding dong between my legs, i didn't wanna get hair in areas girls didn't have it, me getting rough skin, hairy, while girls had nice long flowing hair silky smooth and smooth skin with not a hair on their bodies (except the hair on their head ofc) that was the moment i realized that something was seriously wrong but i'm starting to skip ahead so let's go back a little again cause guess what, i'm not done yet..

when i was 9-13 i remember clearly when we had PE and we hit the showers afterwards, EVERY SINGLE TIME i went out of them i put my ding dong between my legs, and closed the legs to hide it, so i wouldn't see it, and so it would be flat and smooth down there like a girl would have it, i bet you can guess how bullied i got for that cause i wasn't exactly alone in the changing room when i did that...

when i got a bit older i remember that every night i would sit at my window, asking why i feel the way i feel, why i'm not a girl, i asked god if he could turn me into a girl, i sent letters to satan about me selling my soul and in return he would make me a girl... yeah sure mom i bet every kids does the thing i did, you're totally right it's only a phase huh... well anyways

let's go back to the puberty part, ah yes, when i hit puberty, i knew something was seriously wrong, try going 2 years thinking you're a freak, that you're the only one feeling this, you think you're a mistake, you think you're an error, you think you're all alone with being like this, i suppressed the shit out of it, trying not to wanting to kill myself because of what i was, then we got internet, and i searched for it, apparently there was others, there was a name for it, i wasn't a freak i wasn't alone, for a brief moment i actually felt at peace, heh... then i read what happened to a lot of trans people, what they go through, what they can do and can't do, what it means to be it... and then i wasn't at peace anymore, i was scared again, afraid of being trans, and went right back to suppressing it, trying to make it go away, forgetting it, news flash... you can't get rid of the biggest part of yourself... believe me after 7 years of trying i know it's impossible...

Ah the fun of having to hide the happiness when working at a kindergarten and they dressed you up as a princess, when they make you wear heels how great it felt, yeah that was super fun to hide... or the times i would take 2 t-shirts and roll them into balls and put them under my shirt to make cleavage, being jealous of how great girls look, the beautiful clothes they had, things i didn't have, i wanted long hair but that wasn't manly, i had to cut it, it came to the point where i didn't care if they cut it anymore since i had already given up on being me, cause it felt like i would never be able to be me :/

it took the right person to inspire me to come out, she made me feel like it's okey to be me, she supported me, i trusted her, i still do, she's my nr 1 support, i couldn't do anything without her, but later i came out to my mom, she was supportive at first, but then she called it all sorts of things, phase, confused, result of bullying etc... yeah mom, if you ever read this then tell me, does this sound like the result of bullying, or a phase or confusion???!!!

[nataliebunbun-blog]

(via Gamer | What Type of Girl are you?)

[nataliebunbun-blog]

(via Violet! )

[nataliebunbun-blog]

(via Nara Taltheen | Star Wars Life (Girls))

[nataliebunbun-blog]

(via Girly | Your Tumblr Outfit (Girls only, sorry!))

[nataliebunbun-blog]

"It's not about being passable when transgender, it's about feeling comfortable with yourself" ~ Anonymous

[nataliebunbun-blog]

Me as transsexual

Okey so i'm kinda new at this blogging stuff but I thought that I could create a blog and share with the world about my transitioning and all about me as transsexual.

So like since I was a young age I knew I was different, I could never fit in with the guys so I stuck with the girls because I felt like I belonged there, every time I went to my little sisters place we would always play with Barbie and have the most fun time together but I didn't understand that I was transsexual until I was about 14 when I first read about transsexual and transgenderism. But at that moment I knew that I was transsexual and everything fell into place and I was super bullied when I was young like it was horrible so I was scared of telling anyone about it because I didn't want to take the chance to be more bullied so I tried to hide it the best I could and that made it so so much worse. Every time my sister asked if she could do makeup on me I refused instantly because I thought that if I was gonna let her then they might find out. When I was 15 I started doing research all about transsexualism and transgenderism, all from hormones to therapist to surgery and I tried many times to pretend to be a girl on games and social places and when I did it felt like the tea me but sooner or later people would ask of a picture or I wanted to meet sometime and it got complicated, there was often many times I tried to change my voice to be female because not only to be able to talk with people as a girl but also because I didn't want to sound like a guy because it didn't feel right. I always got these questions "if you could chose would you want to be a girl or a boy" and similar questions but I was always too afraid to answer what I truly wanted so I just said I wanted to be a boy and it hurt to say it because it went against what I wanted but I didn't want to take any chances, that was 4-5 years ago and now I've accepted the fact that I'm not a guy or a man but in fact a woman and it's what I've felt for so many years and I knew I couldn't hide it so I embraced it instead and honestly, I've never been so happy and I'm so glad I did because it really lit up the darkness in my life, be who you are and be proud of who you are and it will set you free, don’t let people get you down by saying mean things and stuff, they’re just jealous that you’re so brave to be yourself <3