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i miss u so much it kinda hurts. im doing a bit better at the moment but it still stings. i wanna tell u that i do but i know i cant for so many reasons. i promised u I'd be mature but it still sucks. you'd probably not want to hear it anyways. its whatever ig.

i hope you dont see this post or any of my past posts. if you do, stop reading this. im sorry i did voice it out but this is how I partially cope with the lasting pain.

im so emotional and moody thinking about you, im going in circles. on one hand, i still want you to want me and see me like you did before. on the other hand, however, i cant truly love you again for how i was treated near the end of the relationship. i don't totally blame you, a decent amount was just bad circumstances i believe.

im so hopeless in terms of romance lmao. i want someone to love and want me as much as i do. i just want to be special to someone. i want to be 1 In a million, irreplaceable in your heart. one day, i hope im good enough for that treatment.

best

-e

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nightmares

for the past week or so I've been having nightmares about you. they are simple, my brain replays the happy moments and rips them away from me. again and again.

man

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words of affirmation.

I keep looking back at our messages with the keywords "love". One of my messages that contained that was the question "why do you love me?". It was when I was having a really sad episode and needed to hear something nice about myself. She told me I was kind, that I treated her well, I was smart, my personality was "very very good" and that I was her type. Those words meant a lot to me, more I'd like to admit.

I know its hard for you to truly love me the typical way, but I was okay with it. As long as I heard those words and believed it, I'd be okay. If I continued being special to you, I'd be more than okay.

Why would you tell me all of this if you didnt mean it?

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I wish I was good enough. Lately, I've been suffering from some really low self-esteem. I realized how much I need and crave external validation from the people I love most.

I look back at our messages to myself and wonder where it went all wrong. What happened to those kind messages about me? It sucks that I can't tell her this too, the person I really need to tell me this. I can't ask her to tell me I'm okay or that I'm a kind hearted person anymore. She doesn't owe me that, not that she did before.

If I did tell her this too, I'd fuck everything up. I promised her that I'd be mature about it, that my word is my bond. So, I can't bring it up because can't fuck up my second chance at talking to her. A part of me wants to cling onto the hope we can get back together if I change and change until I am the best person I know. Deep down, however, I know she doesn't want to be together again.

Talking to her isn't the same too. I'm glad we are on good talking terms and its better than being blocked but I sense that she doesn't really care about me anymore. She doesn't find me attractive, pay attention to me, or look at me with that same magic.

I didn't realize how much being in a relationship meant for self esteem. Being in a relationship was kind of an indicator that I was doing something correct and that I was a person of quality traits worthy enough to want exclusively. When she broke up with me though, my brain coped with the fact by blaming myself. I told myself that I didn't have those traits anymore and wasn't good enough anymore.

The only thing I have to cope with myself is music. The artists I listen to get me, they understand what I feel word for word. At this moment, I'm listening to guess by Charli xcx and billie eilish. After this track, it's lovememore. by dosii.

I just wish she loved me. I only want her to be happy.

best

-E

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Risk of Rain 2

Risk of Rain 2 is one of my favourite games, hands down. The items are simple, yet super enjoyable, with how they synergize with each other. The character's designs are memorable and have fun, interactive and interesting kits.

But what I most enjoy about the game is the alternative game mode called Eclipse. As a roguelike, it serves as the game's final test of skill, similar to other games such as Hades' Pact of Punishment or Hollow Knight's Pantheon of Hallow with max binds.

In Eclipse mode, your aim is to complete the game eight times, non continuously, on the hardest base difficulty, monsoon. With each completion, a new difficulty modifier is added on top of any pre-existing modifier from past completions. For example, completing Eclipse once will decrease the amount of space you have when fighting the level boss. Another completion will double your fall damage and make it lethal in addition to the cramp boss room. The most eyebrow-raising and the most problematic modifier is number 8, the last one, which causes permanent damage when your character is hit. However, it is more forgiving than it may appear as the damage is only permanent for the current level and the damage you do receive, only a portion of it is permanent.

Playing Eclipse (8), with its final modifier on top of the pre-existing 7, is a real challenge that took me quite a while to complete, about a month of trying. I did it with the character "Bandit", who does double damage when striking from the back and has a revolver that increases in damage with each kill.

Beating Eclipse (8) felt as good as reaching diamond rank in Brawlhalla and master rank in Street Fighter 6. My heart was spiking the entire time fighting the final boss as I knew I'd get one shot if I wasn't careful.

Eclipse will be forever of my favorite game modes as playing around with the different and difficult modifiers always kept me chasing that win.

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Yu-Gi-Oh

I'm not doing super well lately, so I started to watch a few Yu-Gi-Oh clips from my childhood, and I can remember how much I loved watching this show. While I know Arc 5 (the season I watched) is not a good season, looking at it now, I still love it so much.

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I'm so close to finishing this capstone I can taste it

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Seeing all of this studio ghibli ai crap on Twitter gives me the sudden and strong motivation to draw

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Okay I think it's time I make a higher quantity post this time. Last night, I was somewhat bored so I reread my Bunny Girl Senpai manga that my gf got me (ty joy). I remember how much I enjoyed this series, especially the art. What I find interesting is that they switch artist for each arc/volume, it keeps the read more fresh. Once I get my paycheck, I have to get the third volume (or my girlfriend can buy it as a gift pls).

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So i've been plaing pokemon tcg live for the past few days and its been pretty good. The only bad part is this RAT in my game. I have played around maybe 20 games against this guy and I lost ALL 20 games. 0% win rate this game makes me do horrible things. I hate this RAT AND HIS STUPID BUDEW GUY. Like I've played several games with many different cards to play around it and IT DOESNT WORK.

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yo tell that guy to hop on sf6

Winter Celebration art #1

I plan to draw a ton of these little pictures before christmas, print them out, and give them to my friend(left) with his gift.

I'll post one whenever I finish it, so hopefully this motivates me!

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Everyone should play brawlhalla so they understand what pain is

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I BROKE MY BALI NOOOO

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I may or may not have made a severe lapse in judgement

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when is coke coffee caramel coming to Canada. asking for a friend

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i almost fell asleep reading a book lmao I thought that was just a movie trop

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coke coffee

damn i wanna drink some