nekative

[nekative]

time to get this off my chest

the first time we said ‘i love you’ was on christmas.

i remember it super well. i was getting ready to go to bed for the night, telling you about how the night went, and you just came out and said it. you said it first. you said it first.

you said it first.

i remember when we went on our first date, and how my cousin tagged along to make sure i would be safe. i remember how we held hands and laughed as we walked through a near empty walmart.

i remember how we made plans for the future, and how i was willing to consider to compromise what i wanted for myself so that we could have what we planned. these were years and years of plans for myself that i had. i was so confident in these and so unwilling to budge on them.

but, for you, i thought maybe it would be okay.

you were my best friend. you were my partner. you were my rock.

i loved you.

and yet you never confided in me. i told you everything. i was honest and transparent, and you never gave me that back. i know people are different and it’s hard to open up, and that’s why just took what you would give.

and then you just? leave.

i’ve given you three years of my life, and you only give me the courtesy of six minutes to end it.

you were the first to say ‘i love you’, so let me be the first to say this:

i hate you.

[nekative]

so, breaking news, but unfortunately, i'm going to be alive for longer than i wanted/expected, and i'm so hecking tired

[nekative]

Casually writes this for a bit of closure? I guess?

Hey, buddy.

I miss you. I wanna talk so bad. I wanna be a part of your life.

People drift apart, and I know that. I just never thought it would happen to us. My family always told me that I came home one day from school just singing praises about you and how much I loved you, and... Yeah. I really did.

I guess, to this day, I still do.

I wanna hang out again. I wanna go out to the movies, eat, play basketball (of course, all once the pandemic is over), but I know we won't. It breaks my heart, but I know we won't.

We had so many plans. We were gonna be room mates, we were gonna travel together, we were gonna be together forever. It was naive, innocent, but it was what we wanted.

Or, at least, it was what I wanted.

I think about what I could have done to have prevented us drifting apart all the time. I think about how I should have kept up contact back when life was becoming too busy.

I miss you.

But I can't stay in this spot forever. I waited and reached out for so long. I wanted us back for so long. And I'm tired now.

I'm so tired for longing for something that isn't even there anymore.

So, this is it. I wish I could go back and relive every moment of us together, but I know I can't, and wishing would do nothing for me. But, I want you to know that I look back upon all our time together with the happiest feeling in my chest, and I hope you feel the same, too.

You were my world for ten long, wonderful years. You were one of the most important people in my life. I looked up to you, I admired you, I loved you. And for all those memories, thank you. Truly and sincerely. Thank you.

I truly wish nothing but the best for you. I want nothing but happiness for you. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you love what you do.

Maybe one day we can hang out again. But for now, goodbye.

[nekative]

Hey there.

Man, it’s been a while.

I was just scrolling through some memories on Facebook, and I was reminded about how you LOVED saying ‘awesome possum’.

I miss you. So many people miss you. I still can’t believe you’re gone.

[nekative]

angy

I’m not doing too great. I’m genuinely not doing too great. I’m so tired. I’m so unhappy. 

I will admit I may say some things that disappoint others and may hurt others but I always own up to it. I always apologize, and I try to stop doing it again.

But I’m not okay. I’m so scared right now. I’m so tired and so scared. Why am I not allowed to be not okay? As soon as I mention I’m not okay, as soon as I mention anything other than positivity, I get shut down. I get told that I have to stop. 

I know all this. I know that people get frustrated. But why am I not allowed to feel scared? Why am I not allowed to be not okay? I just want to cry with someone without being belittled or being shut down with ‘oh but you know that’s not something to worry about because so and so have it worse’. 

It only frustrates me more. It only makes me more tired.

I just want to lie down. I’m so tired.

[nekative]

It's been a year

Hey again.

You've been gone for a year already. Time really does fly.

So many things have changed since you left. I really wish you were here to see it all. I miss you everyday. You still appear in my Facebook memories, and all I can do is smile when I remember all those times we had together.

I love you so much. I hope you're doing okay. I can't wait to finally have that lunch date with you.

[nekative]

Now is a good time to remember that all my fantasies and dreams for the future are all just fantasies and dreams and nothing will ever happen

[nekative]

Hey there

I'm still missing you.

It's almost Christmas, and I can't help but think about all of the Christmas concerts we did for the music department. I can't stop thinking about how we bought confetti to throw into the audience at the dollar store.

We really did have so much fun, didn't we?

I met someone. I think you would have gotten along really well. I wish we could meet up for that lunch date and catch up and I would tell you everything I know so far about them.

I can't thank you enough for coming into my life. I miss you so much, it's unbelievable.

So, once more, I miss you. I hope you're doing well wherever you are.

One day, I hope you'll wait for our lunch date.

[nekative]

Hey again

I'm on the bus and I just passed by your stop.

Everything reminds me of you and it's so bittersweet. Sitting in the bus, remembering how you laughed at my poor sense of direction... Remembering how hyped we were when we found out we were just a bus ride away...

I miss you so much, but you must already know that.

Our friends miss you, too. We've started talking about our days in the History Club and how much fun we had.

What a stupid club we were.

I wish you were still around. I wish I could claim that rain check on that lunch we were supposed to have.

I'm so sorry that we never had that lunch. It'll have to wait for a little while longer, I guess.

We miss you.

[nekative]

I miss you

Hey.

It has been a couple of months since you've passed, but my brain always starts thinking that you're just at home, a few minutes drive away. I always think you're in bed, texting your boyfriend, or another one of our friends, planning out your next day, or whatever. But then I remember that you're gone, and I can't help but miss you.

I want to talk to you. I want to hang out again. I want to laugh with you. I want to tell you what's been going on, and I wanna hear what you've been up to.

I miss you so much.

Our friends are getting married, and you should be here with us to celebrate. You should also be planning out your future, planning to get married, have kids, whatever you want. You shouldn't be gone.

I wish I could go back, you know? I wish I could go back to our time in high school, where we would hang out every day, laugh every day... I wouldn't change a day of it. I just want to go back and relive it. You were such a bright light in my life, and in the lives of so many other people. You were always so cheerful, always so willing to help out.

I learned so much from you, and I only hope that you loved us as much as we loved you.

... Actually, that's stupid. I know you did. In fact, you probably loved us more.

I miss you so, so much. I don't know who else I can talk to.

I'm so sorry we drifted apart. I know it's pointless to regret that. I actually don't, if that makes sense. I know we both became busy with our own lives, but we were always still in contact. It was just a matter of a simple text and setting up a date.

But that date will have to wait, I guess.

I miss you so, so much. I wish I could message you to say that. I wish I could set up a date with you to go to the zoo, or something.

Rest in peace. I'll write to you again soon.

Live long and pawsper.

[nekative]

I just wanna sleep honestly like today just cements that I am nothing. That's all they ever say to me, and I am just so tired of hearing it. I'm just so tired of it all. I'm not angry and everyone just insists I am. I'm so tired. That's all.

[nekative]

They keep putting words in my mouth and it is infuriating

[nekative]

adults, while forcing all children above the age of 5 to sit still, be silent, and obey orders for 7-8 hours a day with minimal breaks, reducing their exposure to fresh air and sunlight to almost nothing, forcing them to alter their natural sleeping patterns to increase productivity, and repeatedly telling them their self worth depends on their being able to follow these instructions perfectly for 13 or more years: kids these days are so lazy! they never go outside! they never want to do anything! clearly it’s not because of us!

[nekative]

i feel like the people who i call my friends are forgetting about me and i'm sad about it but i also was expecting this to happen so

[nekative]

the ads on this site sometimes make me wonder what i did in a past life to deserve being born in this timeline

[nekative]

I sometimes wonder if anyone hears me when I'm sad

[nekative]

spending time with family is great but also mentally and emotionally draining