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[nerradstories]

I've Seen the Spirits of Those Who Die Alone

I don't really know how I got this ability. What I do know is I seem to have acquired it shortly after hitting adulthood. I believe I was 19 the first time it happened. I was walking my dog, Scruffy and as we were going past the cemetery I started getting these peculiar visions. I saw a woman in delivery, but something was wrong. There was a sense of urgency in the delivery room, the vision changed, at this point I didn't know what I was seeing and I hurriedly got Scruffy past the cemetery.

This was really weird, thinking it was some weird dream or maybe a hallucinatory event I kept moving. It didn't happen again and the event had been all but forgotten in my mind as the stressors of day-to-day life kept my mind occupied and I moved past this strange event. However, it happened again. Not just another vision, however, it was the exact same woman as before. This time she was holding hands in her hospital bed with a man as a stoic-looking doctor spoke to them. Suddenly the woman broke. Gripping her hands, she started sobbing and if not for his grip she would have fallen out of the bed to her knees. The doctor steps out of the room to give them some time alone.

This time I don't move, I can't. I'm petrified and unsure of what I'm seeing. Who's story is this? What happened to them? Why am I seeing this story? Well, at least one of those questions would be answered. The following scenes don't last as long but rather come across almost in a montage. I see what looks like a small memorial service, then I see the couple back at home, holding each other. Both of them have tears streaming down their faces. Next, I see them arguing, passionately. Not outright fighting, but the type of argument that erupts when too many emotions have been bottled up. It was then I realized I was watching a relationship fray at the seams. I see her sleeping alone night after night, I see him come in the door later and later every day. Then I see her drinking, and drinking… and drinking. I beg her to stop but she obviously can't hear me, I see her pass out. I see the husband come home hours later, and she still hasn't moved, he touches her, shakes her, he frantically dials 911. Another hospital visit, another conversation with a stoic doctor, another funeral. Then as quickly as it began, it was over.

I stood there on the sidewalk dazed, heartbroken, in tears, and unsure of what I just saw. I just stood there in complete shock, not even wanting to move, but now I heard something. A whisper tickled my left ear "Thank you." a disembodied voice said "My name was Anne Margaret Lewis. After I miscarried our baby, my husband and I grew apart. I had no one. No one to hear my story, no one to cry with. Everyone forgot me. I loved him, he loved me, but neither of us knew what to do. We were both grieving, and got so lost in our own grief, we didn't do it together. I wish we had more time, another chance, something. I wish I could tell him I forgive him. We were both at fault, he turned to work, I turned to whiskey. We should have been a team." The voice was sobbing now. " I'm going to miss him. I already miss him. I hope he knows I love him and forgive him. We said til death do us part, but when tragedy overcame our lives we didn't know what to do. And we parted far too soon. Our love was special. I hope he can love again. I wanted so much more for us, but now I want so much for him. I still love him. I wish we had communicated better. I wish so much it could have been different. I still loved him but we didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. I've been waiting for someone to hear my story and you have. I can now say goodbye and go in peace. I hope Leo can eventually find his own peace. I forgive him."

I didn't know what to say, but before I could say anything the voice was gone and my world was back to normal. I was in tears now. I just saw the most emotional moments of two people’s lives. I saw two people who loved each other but couldn't cope. Out of curiosity, I went into the graveyard and sure enough on the other side of the fence there was a gravestone "In Loving Memory, Anne Margaret Lewis, 1975-2003, daughter, wife, sister, mother." She was real. Was my vision real though or just somehow made up? Maybe I saw or heard her name somewhere before and my mind just used it in this vision? Before I could wonder anymore I noticed a note attached to one of the flower bouquets. It may have been snooping into other people's business but I had to know.

"My dearest Anne. When we lost baby Jonathan I didn't know what to do. I turned to my work and I wasn't there for you. I will regret this every day of my life. I told myself you weren't drinking that much, that it was to help you cope. But in reality, I wasn't there for you. I failed you. You and the baby were my everything; within 6 months I lost both. I was not a good husband, yet even in our grief, I loved you so much. I lost you. I didn't support you. I failed you. I hope you can find peace and find forgiveness for me. I don't know how I'll move on, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe someday I can somehow find that hope back but without you in my life, I don't know. Your mother has said she forgives me and it isn't all my fault. That you didn't know how to cope and the drink took you. Ever grateful for her support but I still should have been there and I failed. I should have helped you cope. I love you, Anne. Wherever you are I hope you can know that.

Your husband,

Mark"

So it was really real, everything I saw was real. I don't know what to do. I just saw this woman's tragic story and her spirit or being or something told it to me. Unsure of what to do with myself, I went back home. Hoping her family can find a way to move on, hoping that one day her husband, mother, and anyone else in her family could be okay.

What do I do now? What could I do? How could I keep living my mundane life having seen someone’s pain like that first hand? Alas, we all have a life to live and do what we have to do. What choice did I have? I had to keep on living, I couldn’t just dwell on a vision from a dead person, I also couldn’t tell anyone. Who would believe me? Not the guys who I see at the pub. I’d never hear the end of it from them if I told them I saw a vision of a dead person’s life. They’d probably cut me off of alcohol for eternity. So I did all I could do, I put it behind me and moved on in my life. You can’t stay on the weird experiences, that will eat you up. I went back to my desk job and resumed the grind that millions of people around the world have. And everything went back to normal.

That was until a year later. The incident was all but forgotten, I was attending a funeral for a coworker’s mother and he asked me to come for moral support. The funeral was a typical service, a pastor had a nice message, and everyone offered their condolences. However, after the service as I was walking to my car it happened again. This time I saw a little girl. Her story didn't last as long but it was just as if not even sadder.

I saw a girl arriving to a home. She was in tears, her eyes were red and it was obvious she had been crying. She was accompanied by an older lady with a clipboard and forms. The older lady was often short with the girl and seemed to see her as something to deal with rather than a person. She gave her short answers and when the girl started crying again she just glanced at the child but said nothing. This girl was just another part of the lady's work rather than a person. She seemed as if she'd done this a lot and was now just going through the motions rather than truly helping the child. At the home I saw a family taking the girl in. Then the image faded, thinking it was over I went to go to my car, but then the image came back. A few days or weeks had passed, it was just the girl. I don't know where the family was. The girl was disheveled, her clothes were torn, and her face was dirty. She seemed to be cowering in a dark and cramped space. A closet maybe? She had on a sweater and baggy pants that didn't seem to fit quite right

Then I heard the yelling. I didn't catch the full conversation but I heard enough. There wasn't food on the table, the father hadn't sold enough product, the woman was useless. Then I heard the worst of it

"SHE HASN'T EVEN DONE WHAT WE ASKED. SHE DOESN'T EAT UNTIL THIS HOUSE IS SPARKLING, WHAT DO WE EVEN HAVE HER FOR??!!"

Then I heard the closet door broken into and more yelling, this time directed at the girl. Mercifully the image faded, but I didn't have to think very hard about what became of her. The blackness didn't last, I saw the woman who I witnessed first taking the girl to the house. This time she wasn't alone. She was with two police officers and the man and woman who lived here were in handcuffs. I saw a trial, a guilty plea, and a nowhere near long enough jail sentence.

Then like the last time I heard a voice in my left ear "Thank you. My mommy and daddy both died in a car accident. Two nice people were going to look after me. They weren't very nice though. One time after they found me in the closet they both got very angry with me. I didn't wake up after that. I've been in this graveyard ever since. I think I can go now." And like before the voice faded. I stood there heartbroken, unsure of what to do.

I did the only thing I could think of. I found my nearest non-profit for abused and exploited children and gave them a donation. There was nothing else I could do. This time I wasn't even going to bother checking the newspapers. I was convinced it was all real. But then one afternoon as I was driving home in my car from work I heard a news story come on the radio. "Jane and Peter Johnson, who were responsible for the death of a foster girl who lost her parents in a car accident, were denied parole today. Both of them pled not-guilty to manslaughter for a lighter sentence and today five years after her death they both were eligible for a parole hearing for the first time. Parole was denied on the grounds of them not being remorseful-" I shut off the radio there. I couldn't take hearing another word of this. I drove on and tried to put the incident behind me.

If this had only happened a couple of times I might not be writing this story, but the truth is this continued and became more and more frequent. It didn't even exclusively happen at graveyards anymore but at locations that were significant to people's lives. I witnessed a lonely man die by his own hand in the house across the street as no one was there for him. Upon me seeing his story his spirit told me that he was never close to anyone in his life and never had anyone there.

The more frequent these visions came, I witnessed multiple car accidents and multiple people's last days of terminal illness. People who for various reasons had been forgotten and neglected by people in their lives or who never had anyone. I didn't see the funeral everytime but whenever I did they were sparsely attended. I never totally got used to this. Once every few weeks I'd get another vision. Most of the deaths as I mentioned before weren't significant, they were often common things that you and I have lost relatives, friends, and acquaintances to. Cancer, accidents, old age, addictions. A lot of lonely people who accidentally overdose. Upon realizing this I tried to make more donations to relevant causes. Addictions homes, cancer societies, hospice care etc. And so it went. But then I had a new experience. One I wasn't really expecting with a possibility I hadn't considered.

I was once again walking past a cemetery and I was hit with a vision. I was pretty used to this by now, yet this time the story was unexpected. I saw a young man, he couldn't have been much older than 18. He was on a massive ship, a war ship. Wherever and whenever I was, it wasn't recent. The uniforms and guns weren't new. This clearly wasn't the Iraq or Afghanistan invasion. This was an older conflict. And then I heard some chatter from the soldiers. I couldn't pick up on full conversations but I heard enough, a few words was all it took really. "invasion… beach landing… Germany… Nazi bastards…." Oh my. I was about to witness a D-Days soldier's last days.

Thankfully I didn't get a full view of the horrors of D-day but I saw enough. As they invaded the beach I saw four men get shot down in the horrors of war. Up to twenty thousand people may have died on D-day when the Allies stormed the beach in an effort to take Europe from Hitler's grasp. I just witnessed four of them. It wasn't dramatic like you see in the movies and there was no indication anything significant happened. These men were charging the beach, and then they weren't. There was one man left however, he continued fighting but he kept looking back, his eyes scanning the battle ground. Like he was searching, looking but fearing the worst of his fellow soldiers. The image changed. It looked like the man was back in North America. I saw him sitting alone at home. I don't really know what happened to him, because like so many others my next image was a sparsely attended funeral and then nothing. Like always I once again heard a whisper in my left ear.

"Those men you saw die on D-day were four of my closest friends. Before the war we did everything together. I attended all their weddings, we drank beer together and could tell each other anything. On that day I lost four of the closest- no- only people in my life. When I got back home I found work and had some buddies, even a few girlfriends. But nothing could replace that friendship. I was taken by a heart attack and left behind no one. Thank you. I'm going to look for my friends now."

Prior to this I had never considered the possibility of how far back in history these visions would go. This was my first time but it was far from the last. It didn't happen as often as the other visions, but it hasn't been uncommon.

I've seen the worst of what humans can do to each other and people who died needlessly and lonely because of humanity's brokenness. From the beaches of D-day to the Nazi concentration camps, to the plantations of slavery, to the holy crusades, 9/11, bombings, and almost every human abuse you can think of. If you name a human conflict or atrocity there is a very good chance I've met a spirit who died needlessly and lonely from it. So many trapped spirits, so many people dying alone. There are so many more spirits I want to help. How can I live my normal life knowing there's people who've died who are trapped and I can help them? I had started to become almost obsessed with these spirits and their lives. I was actively seeking the stories now, I felt like I had to help. I was even considering traveling overseas to help more if I could. I couldn’t live with myself if I let these people suffer on our earth and not let themselves be released to wherever they are going. However, my friends and family had begun to notice. When my friends asked why I haven’t gone to the bar with them lately I just gave vague excuses of being busy. A girl I’d seen for awhile broke up with me because I couldn’t be bothered to take some time off to go on a date anymore, and even my boss had noticed that my production at work had dipped lately.

Nevertheless I was convinced that I had to keep doing this. I wanted to travel across America and potentially even go overseas to help as many of these people as I possibly could. I asked work if I could have an extended leave and given my recent drop in production they granted it thinking I needed some time off, I was planning on taking a year to do this. I gave my friends an excuse about needing a change and away I went.

I was right about there being many more experiences to be had. I met more trapped spirits than I expected. More stories that are similar to what I told you here. To write of every experience I had on this road trip would be way too long. You might think it gets easier, but it doesn't. When you're helping the dead be released from this earth it doesn't get easier. When you see people who have died in the worst circumstances with no one to help them it weighs on you. Sometimes I visit their graves to pay tribute, and sometimes I couldn't bring myself to.

I never really thought about telling anyone what I saw because who would believe me? But one day I came close. By now I was used to the visions hitting me. What I wasn't used to was seeing someone who remains completely unknown die. There was no warning, no build up. I just suddenly saw the flashes and heard POP POP POP POP. I saw a woman fall backwards. Then I hear footsteps running away. The image stops. "Thank you. I cannot tell you my name. I cannot tell you who killed me. As far as anyone knows I am a Jane Doe and I cannot give you information that other humans don't know. There is something stopping me. Even with your powers you can't know the unknowable that other humans haven't solved. But I am free now. Thank you." I tried to reach out, tried to reply, but nothing. They were already gone. I guess I can only see what is already known, and can't become a cliché supernatural detective on some TV show. Yet I had to at least try. I couldn't witness the death of an unsolved murder like this and not check out if I saw something, even the slightest thing.

The next day after a restless night's sleep I combed the local unsolved crime logs. Sure enough there was a Jane Doe case shot by an unknown assailant. I thought about telling someone what I saw, but I realized whatever this unknown woman told me was right. The image I saw matched the exact details in the police case. No more. No less. Hell, I didn't even see the weapon, what the killer was wearing, or even which way they ran.

Literally every little detail was absent and I saw nothing which the investigators didn't already know. I slammed my fist on the table in frustration. What good is this power if I can't help some of these people in the land of the living? Almost every single person I've seen had no one. No known family I could assist, and nothing I could do for them. Then the one time I see a death that still has real world implications, I still could do nothing. I had a headache. I went home and went to bed, I had to do something else.

The next morning I decided that I would go to Europe. More specifically, I wanted to see London. Even if there are spirits there to help at least I could get a change of scenery. Besides I still had a few months left of my leave. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to go back to work. Other than a few texts I hadn't really heard from my friends at work, and any other friends I'd kept delaying plans with. I honestly didn't really have anyone to tell I was going to Europe, I figured I could catch up with them later. Maybe even explain this one day later. And so I just hopped on the plane putting off any contact with friends or family for a later date.

The flight over to London was uneventful. And I had plenty of time to relax. I did still assist those who had passed and were lost, but the change of scenery was doing wonders for me. Helping the lost wasn't taking the same toll on me as it had been, and I was enjoying exploring London and the surrounding area. The only downside is the headaches I was still getting. I figured maybe it was the weather, or this business of spirits was starting to impact me more than I thought. However, I shrugged it off and kept going. I wish I could tell you that dead people's stories in Europe got better but they didn't. In Europe I got a lot more historical deaths. Then one day, I happened across one of the visions that was the worst I experienced.

One morning I woke up to a blinding pain. This was far worse than anything I had experienced. I saw a man, dirty from head to toe just sitting in a room by himself. At first I thought I was seeing a still image rather than a moving image. But I saw him slightly breathing. However, it was obvious this wouldn't last long. He was clearly in pain and just moving hurt him. Then I noticed his skin, bleeding and open sores in some places, and completely black in others. I have never seen someone in this much discomfort before. Then I saw someone knock on his door. The person was wearing a completely black robe from head to toe, with a bird-like mask. It was then it dawned on me. This man was one of millions who would die in the awful plague in Europe. The man takes a deep breath and the image fades.

"My name was Charles Richardson, and the plague took everything from me. It's been a long, long time since then. Thank you."

And with that the vision faded. Suddenly, I was hit in the head with severe pain. I didn't know where it was coming from but my headaches from earlier were back with a vengeance. I went back to my hotel room and turned off the lights and laid down. I woke up at 12 pm the next day still in pain. It didn't make sense. Was this coming from the visions? Was it a coincidence? Should I go to the doctor? If it is coming from the visions, how would I explain it to the doctor? I decided I would give it a week to see how it goes.

Over the past week the visions have left me. The headaches got worse. I think being in pain has taken them away. When I went to my phone to call people I realized something. Who would I call? I came to London and I barely let anyone know. I haven't texted anyone since I got here. I was so busy chasing ghosts that now I'm just here. Alone. Dying.

Oh I didn't mention. Those headaches? They're coming from a brain tumour. I don't have long left. I thought about texting my buddies back home but how could I? I basically cut them out with basically no explanation. How could I explain to them I was chasing ghosts and got ill? Not even the visions or ghosts are coming to me now, which is ironic considering how many visions I've had around hospitals. So now I'm just left here alone, with my thoughts, realizing that I'm going to die like so many of the people I helped. I threw away so many relationships for silly ghost stories. We're they even real? Or were they a part of a hallucination and an early symptom of the brain tumour? Did I throw my relationships away and come running to London over visions that were just an illness? Did I come running here for nothing? Did I help no one? The thoughts are fading out now. Grasping the thoughts is becoming more and more difficult. I can't hold onto them. What was I talking about? Everything slowly fades and then nothing.

Epilogue

I don't know how long I have been here. I don't even know where here is. I don't have any concept of time or space. But then I see it. I see a light. I go towards it and I have what will be my final vision. And I see a person. Just standing there and they seem to be looking at me. Their jaw has gone slack and they shake their head, they look like they want to run away but can't. I can't make out any of their physical characteristics. Then they speak. A voice.

"Are you real? Is this real?

"Is what real?" I asked

"Are you really a person who died alone in the hospital after freeing many dead spirits?"

I broke. If I could cry as a spirit, I would.

"Yes. Is this the first time it's happened to you?"

They nodded.

"Listen closely. Whenever I did this the person who passed gave me their life story. But I'm not going to do that. I spent my life chasing ghosts. I don't know how many spirits I freed. But I got obsessed with it, caught up in it. It became my life, it consumed me. If you're anything like me-" it was then I began to feel myself fading. "NO. NOT YET. Listen kid I don't have long. So come closer" they cautiously approached, seemingly very intrigued now. "Help those spirits who you can but don't let it consume you. Don't forget your friends, your family and those who matter. I saw way too many people die alone, and then the thing I witnessed became me. Don't let that happen to you. Let your loved ones know they're loved and let them love you. I saw way too many people die alone. Help those spirits who you can but also help the living so they don't become a wandering and trapped spirit. Promise me you'll let people love you and love them back. Let them know you're there for them. Check in on them." I once again felt the pull. It was TIME " PROMISE ME." I was practically begging this person now. I didn't even know if they could still hear me. I felt my spirit fading, going to wherever all the others I helped went. Then I heard it. A very faint "I promise. Thank you for telling me." I relaxed and the child completely faded. At first there was nothing

Then I felt it. Peace. I saw a cloud approaching me. Only it wasn't a cloud, it was a group of other spirits, welcoming me into their realm. Several of whom I recognized and many more I didn't. They found their peace. I can rest now.