nervosa0is0back

[nervosa0is0back]

Plans so I don’t fall out.

Sleep. ( currently 7:13 am and am not sleepy )

wake up.

make coffee. 40 minutes, make it, wait for it to cool, drink, let it kick in.

Try to finish all my work. ( If work didn’t exist my life would be perfect)

finish 1/4.

Tiktok break. About 15 minutes.

Back to work. 1/4 of it.

Done!!

Things I can do after being done.

Call a friend.

go on tumblr

finish more work ( if I start thinking about food )

watch people share the struggles of their life in youtube so I don’t feel alone.

listen to sad music.

( miss my sleeping pills )

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Logging what I ate for the past 2-3 days at my aunts house.

Sunday- plate of mac & cheese. Cheesecake. A lot of bread.

Monday- low-fat yoghurt (1/4 cup > ) with toppings. 3 slices of bread, 3 tangerine.

Tuesday- 2 tangerines. (binged at 1 am) the mcdonald’s Hot caramel sundae (330) an already eaten cheesecake.

Lord I’ve been so off lately

Currently- Nothing.

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Rant.

people ask me why I rather not eat, and they tell me there are better options to cope, like therapy. But starvation hurts way less than my feelings. Some people don’t understand but my heart always hurts, it always feels like there’s a weighted blanket on me, and not in a good way.

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I take it back, Mukbangs help when the person eating it is abnormally big, or the food looks like it smudged with butter, condensed milk, and whipped cream. Or ranch

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My brain 24/7:

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Thought going to my aunts & visiting was going to be a good idea, but boy was I wrong. Everyone has a life except me. Why does everyone have something to do, I swear this has to be a dream because why is this happening to me. Worst of all I can’t even ⭐️ve to cope

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Am never going to get anywhere, here I am again I just run away from my problems or find a way to hurt myself to avoid feeling my feelings. I can’t accept failure but I can’t strive for success either.

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Every time I see someone normal, I wonder how they think of food. If they eat sweets sometimes or a lot, if they eat on a diet, maybe they’re vegan or vegetarian, if they ate pizza last week, if they have pancakes with butter and syrup. I wonder how it feels to look at food normally, do they feel full?

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I wish I was diagnosed with something, I know there is something wrong with me and so does everyone. I feel to stressed and anxious but depressed at the same time, but that’s not the worst part, I hate being happy the most.

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I just want to be a shell of what I am right now. I hate having feeling, I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel too awake and the only way I can solve that is either death or starvation.

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Can someone tell me how to hide my ED when people are starting to force me to eat, I think I have a plan but am not sure.

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I get so emotional when am not ⭐️ving. Like my aunt told me to change clothes and I almost cried, and it ruined my whole day. Not only am I already thinking about how fat I look, if I change into anything else I’ll just look fatter. Like am sorry I am not as good looking OR as skinny as your daughter? Plus I feel like they’re trying to make me fatter, I tried not to eat, but she kept being mad-ish and I hate it when people are demanding/ raising their voice.

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I don’t feel fine if I don’t purge at least once a week, which is damn near impossible now. It doesn’t matter if am restricting as much as possible. I still need to throw up to feel fine.

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My brain 24/7:

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I feel like one myth about people with Eds is that they don’t like the taste of food. I love how food tastes but the thought of calories and being full makes me hate it. ( at least for me )

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For me, day two is the worst day. After day 3 you’ve come so far so why eat?

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Hey there! If you are a teenager and are told to see a counselor, never trust them, they seem nice and all but they will tell everything