nervousenemyballoon

[nervousenemyballoon]

I seriously don’t think this is healthy anymore

[nervousenemyballoon]

sleeping habits

I can't seem to go to bed without him being in bed with me as well. he plays video games on his nights off and sometimes that can last up till one or two in the morning. it's not that big of a deal considering we both finally get to sleep in since he wakes up every day for work around 5 in the morning. I guess I'm kind of a little bit super-duper attached to my boyfriend. ever since I got pregnant I have been needing him to be with me physically. whenever he leaves from when he is on break, I beg him each time to not go, I'm not annoying about it though.... at least I try not to be.

[nervousenemyballoon]

Well I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a few months now. I am also pregnant so as you can imagine an already moody girl gets all those raging hormones. Let me tell you that those hormones are not doing me any favors. I think I’ve cried more times while being pregnant than when I wasn’t. Right now I am sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car because it’s too cold outside. He and a friend of his are indulging in fishing. It’s not bad but when there isn’t a place to sit I get pretty tired and cold.

I know I haven’t posted in a while and I’m trying to get back into the habit of posting something everyday if not every other day.

[nervousenemyballoon]

Wow… me and him fall asleep next to each other every night. But I wake up around the normal time right before the alarm is supposed to go off at 5:15 am. I feel something off and I turn over and he’s gone. I turn to where his alarm clock would be and that’s gone too. It could be for a million good reasons but I honestly felt really hurt by that when I know I shouldn’t. He has his own things going on sometimes in his head and I always give him the space to do so. I know for a fact that I have fear of abandonment and I am super attached to him. He knows this but I feel at times like he’s insensitive to the fact of how scared I am if he doesn’t feel the same way. I guess my fears are gonna pour out this post… basically I love him more than anything in the world and I am now pregnant with our kid. We met online and we had an instant connection it was amazing. We talked on the phone for hours on end and we ended up falling in love with each other through the phone. So then I decide to plan for me to come down to where he lives. Couple months pass and then I finally have moved to where he lives. I must admit he wasn’t really how I expected yet at the same time he was still perfect to me and I will always love him. I thought we weren’t going to vibe but we did and still do. I wouldn’t change anything about me and him

[nervousenemyballoon]

passenger seat

I've been living with my boyfriend for almost a month and its been one hell of a ride so far. i think that this is the bravest thing i have ever done since breaking up with my ex fiance. he had some trust issues with me before i moved out here and i dont blame him one bit you know... and he had every right because we met online and i was currently talking to lots of guys online but when i met him i was head over heels and i decided to drop everyone else. focusing on just one guy is so refreshing especially since he actually cares about me which ive never actually had before.

[nervousenemyballoon]

sex is good

alright so first thing is first idk what the fuck is going through my head except that its racing a million miles a second. i keep saying the same sentence over and over again in my head "what the fuck does he mean" like i honestly dont understand why this shit has to be so hard like honestly. i said i didnt want to have sex but nooooo my brain thinks of a massage for my boyfriend to do. we get out the massage lube and then he gives my ass a massage after he did my back terribly might i add. he's my boyfriend and i love him so then i just wont tell him as he's doing it because he is just starting to learn to be physical again with me let alone any other female. so we end up having sex like we do every morning and night and afterwards i do something that i probably shouldn't have; i started nagging and being negative and i am kicking myself for it right now. he first came over to wipe off all the lube sweat and cum off my body with a towel and he was doing it really rough which immediately sent me into that spiral of negativity. i told him that he was doing it too rough and it was kinda hurting me because the towel wasn't soft. then i got up to wipe myself off with a feminine wet wipe and then told him that he should get rid of all the hair down there.... the way i said it was very rude and i wish i could take back the tone in which i said it. then i went to go wash my hands and then asked him which towel he used to wipe me off because he needed to wash it along with the sheets. and i freaked out on him a little bit when he said it was the towel that he used to take a shower with; then he asking if i was a "germ freak" and to answer that simply, no i am not, all i know is what is dirty and what isn't and thats why i clean myself off every time. then somehow we got to the topic of him eating me out and he admitted to me that he didnt like doing that because it "looks off" and honestly in my opinion that hurt me a lot but i let it out with hostility. oral sex is like the best part about sex because you are servicing your partner and you are letting them sit back and watch them enjoy you going down on them. its not fair only because he said that it was "disgusting" and he was doing it just for my pleasure.... thats a big fucking turn off for me like wtf thats so fucking unfair!!! i give him a blow job and i love doing so because when i go down all the way it sends these amazing chills down my spine causing a state of euphoria. it also puts the biggest smile on my face. like it really hurt my feelings like a lot when he said that eating me out is disgusting. and then he goes to tell me that when i blow him i hurt him by pulling on the skin too much.... you have any idea how much that hurts my feelings that he wouldn't tell me that i was hurting him. i wish he knew that it was ok to just let me know that he was in pain because i totally respect what someone needs because sex is supposed to be enjoyable. then i think about it and ask him "does it hurt when we have sex?" and he said yes sometimes its because of the angle we are in and that is also very upsetting to me that he didnt tell me that he was hurting because again sex is supposed to be good and make you feel good. discomfort in sex and just going along with it really sucks i know that I'm a masochist but I'm not really a sadist and i dont like seeing me potentially hurting my partner to where its not enjoyable. i try to always let him know when something is not feeling right and he does seem off when i let him know it takes a few seconds to register what i say.... this what i am talking about can lead to very scary situations like someone getting hurt or the trust in the relationship goes away and when the trust goes away it only goes downhill from there. this is literally the only thing that really upset me and then there was something minor. i talked a second about him needing to clean himself off after doing sex because he is uncircumsised... i only mentioned that because there were a few times that i went down on him and it tasted weird because we use lube during

sex and if he doesn't even clean himself off in the sink then he is just letting that sit all day and its not good. damn i needed to get that off my chest and now I'm tired and I'm gonna go back to bed with him and hopefully things will be better in the morning. also this post is not to bash on my boyfriend im just really emotional that he would keep these things from me

[nervousenemyballoon]

new place

so it turns out i was worried for nothing. i was worried that we wouldn't vibe together in person and everyone was giving me doubts and i hated it. so me and him are super compatible and we have set up ground rules for the relationship which is really good. i never have had boundaries in the relationship but having them is great.

[nervousenemyballoon]

hush puppy

thats the nickname i gave him today..... he is my best friend and i also love him. he is super caring in a sense that is scary only because i have a boyfriend. i had hush puppy become friends with my boyfriend in hopes of avoiding any suspicion of me and him having a growing attraction towards each other. like ok, so i met him on discord through another friends server and i noticed the way he was talking in the server and i liked it. so i decided to send him a friend request. at first he had no idea who i was and said that he was going live on twitch and i like following people on twitch... so... i followed him on there. he was texting me through out the stream and i was a little tired so i was saying things that didn't make sense. flash forward to now and we are really close friends now and i do really care about him

[nervousenemyballoon]

long time no see

lets see the last time i posted on here i was very happy and got a new boyfriend. well good news!!! I'm still with him and i get to see him for the first time in four days from now! I'm literally so happy but there is one thing that has been fucking with me. he doesn't know how to make me feel better and it sucks ass. like not gonna lie he is fucking amazing but at the same time he doesn't know how to calm me down when I'm in a crisis situation...... i just know for a fact that when i get to see him in person then it will be ok. its because my love languages are physical touch, words or affirmation, and quality time.

[nervousenemyballoon]

There are so many things that I wish I did and didn’t do. That’s the thing with live tho you live and you learn which is exactly what I’m doing. I got a man that I love and I see a future him for sure. Here’s the thing tho ever since I been with him he’s been helping me realize I don’t need to be so negative…. I have definitely been negative because it’s part of my personality which needs to stop. Every time I get negative he’s just like “babe chill… you don’t need to be like that” at first I was like “you can’t tell me what to do” but then I realized that he’s actually doing this to help me which is great. I’ve been more in tune with my feelings and aware of when I feel a certain way. He’s definitely a positive influence on me and I can’t wait till the end of October because that’s when I’m going to meet him in person for the first time.

[nervousenemyballoon]

got rid of everything

so i got a new boyfriend and i met him on tiktok. i am seriously happy that i met him but this past month has really helped me see that his attention is enough to keep me happy. so with that being said i deleted both my tiktok accounts and deleted my onlyfans account.

[nervousenemyballoon]

cosplayers

ok so i follow quite a few cosplayers on tiktok and someone followed me back and we started talkig today. ugh he lives far away and i just really like him and hes a masked cosplayer but hes done a face reveal on tiktok before that i havent noticed but hes very attractive in my eyes. also his voice is damn hot like i might die if he sends me another picture of him in cosplay cause hgod damn he fine as fuck in and out of cosplay

[nervousenemyballoon]

taken by surprise

alright lets get back on the topic of this guy Sean i met off a dating app. so i have known he was with his brother who had gotten really sick and was put into the hospital. so he lives in the same city as me but when he went away he went upstate or some shit. so we had to keep talking on the phone and then two nights before he came back down here we talked on the phone for a little bit. i started to really like him even more so that i had heard his voice. then he came back today and he said he might not be able to meet me so then i started to get a bit nervous because i really wanted to meet him in person. mind you that this guy is hot as fuck but i like to call him cuuuuute. it makes him smile. when he picked me up from the panda express parking lot we went to watch the fireworks speeding away in his mustang. we watched the fireworks and i really wanted to kiss him but i thought that i better not so i didn't. he did something really cute when we went back down the hill. he picked me up and carried me in his arms but he thought he was gonna drop me so he set me back on my feet. then after that we went to his house and he was living with his dad but his dad is gone until the 20th of this month so a while. we went up to his bedroom and as soon as he laid down i knew right away that we were gonna have sex and we did. it started with him wondering how long it has been since i had kissed someone and i said its been a while which was true. we started to make out and we were exploring every inch of each other and something crazy happened. he was perfect in my eyes at least he was physically so basically i feel on top of the world because he is amazing and i am gonna do everything i can to make it so that we will work out.

[nervousenemyballoon]

he didn't ghost me after all

idk if i said his name or not but Sean is a guy i met off a dating app and we were supposed to go on a date one day and i got all ready and he never texted me back and then finally a few days later i find out he had some family issues and i was like i totally understand and i really liked him so i never unadded him from snapchat and I'm really glad i didn't because i really liked him

[nervousenemyballoon]

are you serious?

alright so i got something crazy to share and that is that there is this guy i have known for quite a few years and i have liked him for a very long time. i didnt know that he liked me back for about a couple years now.

[nervousenemyballoon]

its still gets to me

alright so I'm in a sober living for meth weed and alcohol. and my sobriety date is 9/25/2020. i had my birthday on April fools day and the next day i ate an everything bagel. it had poppy seeds and i didn't think too much of it but i had a drug test immediately afterwards and i failed a drug test. i tested positive for opiates. i had to leave for a few days and because i didn't use opiates i tested clean. there is this lady who owns the sober living and she came into my room and every time she comes in my room she always makes me feel like shit i don't understand why she does what she does. she's so rude to me.so here's a couple things she mentioned 1) she was surprised my room was clean 2) she wanted to know my real sobriety date and i mentioned that already at the beginning of this post. and she wanted to know the date of when i tested positive because of the poppy seeds. i told her it was the day after my birthday which was April fools day. she started calling that my sobriety date and i told her it wasn't and she told me no. she also said that people who don't follow their real sobriety date they don't stay sober. basically she was telling me that i used opiates and i got angry but of course I'm just renting the room so i couldn't yell or show my anger and i just told her no. i said no i didn't use opiates otherwise it would have been obvious. it was just a bagel and i told her my actual sobriety date and she just looks at me like if i keep believing that lie i was telling myself then i would end up fucking up. here's the thing i hate being compared to other people. of course she has seen people relapse and lie. but i know myself and i don't need the things that most people need in order to stay sober. meetings and having a sponsor and working the steps. i don't need any of that stuff to stay sober. I'm perfectly fine doing things the way I'm doing. i really wish everyone would stop saying I'm like other addicts because I'm not. i don't like living here i always avoid her as much as possible.

[nervousenemyballoon]

the day of a big first

alright so this is gonna be short but i went to a backyard concert and it was fun as fuck. there was this mosh pit and i got into it and that was the first time i ever did anything like that. the main reason why i even went in the first place is because if this guy friend i have and i have liked him for quite a while now i and i shot my shot with him and he likes me back and i really liked that.