neverinmydreams

[neverinmydreams]

i dreamt we were at a party. an impossible reality. i had to have been there for you. we were talking until you went to dance. someone mentioned how you refused to be vulnerable. i liked that. because if you refused to be vulnerable, then others couldn't get to you either. but you left the party with a smile on your face, another girl attached to your hip, and i realized how selfish that pervious thought had been. you looked so happy. i loved how happy you seemed. i couldn't love that it was someone else making you smile like that. i watched you kiss her a dozen times. i looked at the sky, and i asked god why he made me asexual. not why he made me aromantic. not why he made me aroace. why he had made me asexual... and it hurt when i woke up.

i love being asexual. i'm aware the person i dream about is a limerent object. i wouldn't change for them. not in that way. but i don't think it was really me wishing for that change. i think, like many times in my life before, i wanted things to be different. i wanted you to love me or admire me in the alterous way i hadn't known at the time i felt for you. i'll always come back to this. wishing things had been different. dreading the way your memory leaves me haunted. dreaming about you like a lost soulmate. feeling sick because my mind isn't over you.

[neverinmydreams]

i dreamt of a childhood's confession. not mine. but one from you, and it made it easier to be friends with you. i guess that version of me could trust you once they knew you had vulnerabilities about me too

[neverinmydreams]

shoutout to daydreaming about someone but in a platonic way

[neverinmydreams]

i know it's not the time, but i've been writing about you again

[neverinmydreams]

i've spent so much time grieving you, i think i could love you faceless

[neverinmydreams]

holding hands... leaning on one another... chatting with each other... just normal couple behavior that's also really simple and platonic...

[neverinmydreams]

i finally i had a dream with you and my godfather in it. you share the same name, and i've always been embarrassed by that.

[neverinmydreams]

i'm sorry, but i want you to dream about me as often as i dream about you

[neverinmydreams]

i love it when we're casually talking/hanging out in my dreams. the nonchalance, the normalcy, the casual boring pedestrian plot. that's what i wanted. a friendship without question. if i looked starry-eyed, well then, that was just something we could have kept to ourselves. in part, a world where that wasn't a big deal was all i ever wanted.

[neverinmydreams]

not me looking at a house that kind of looks like mine, but cuter, but more run down, and thinking, lol me, only to look at the next house over and see that it look like yours, and my brain going we're neighbors!

[neverinmydreams]

me after every post: sorry, that was weird

[neverinmydreams]

also, in the dream, i was trying to come out to never. my new aroace friend that i kind look up to appeared to validate/help me. i don't think never fully understood, but it was a start for dream us

[neverinmydreams]

the thing i remember most about my dream is that i was changing and never kept ending up being there while i was changing. i kept thinking i was going to feel embarrassed or ashamed, but it just felt normal.

[neverinmydreams]

when you look me in the eyes, yeah, that's one of my favorites

[neverinmydreams]

if i let the day go long enough, i can (almost) forget that i saw you

[neverinmydreams]

something about being autistic and a picky eater and only wanting comfort foods

[neverinmydreams]

i'm in a field of dandelions, wishing on every one, that this would all make sense