newjakarta-blog

[newjakarta-blog]

Hello, June

Hello, June.

It has been a month since I’ve been actively managing this account. Life is not easy. Now the work-from-home policy has been revoked; I need to wake up early, drive to work, spend more for gas and parking money, my love life has taken more downhill; I'm stuck in the middle of a relationship that entirely not mine. I just want this to end. I never imagine being this kind of person who ruins people's relationships, but I'm just too weak to resist this force and her ways of doing things. I need help, I need to vent, I need to getaway.

[newjakarta-blog]

I survived today, what makes me think I can't survive tomorrow?

New Jakarta, May 14, 2020

[newjakarta-blog]

I Over-text, I Over-feel, I Over-love

I’m new in this game called love though I have been in a relationship before, I have been adoring someone so much, and even had a secret crush on my best friend (which I found out later it was platonic). The first time I ever fell in love is when I was in high school. It was beautiful, I was so oversensitive, overprotective, and just too stupid to give her space. I thought I learned my lesson on my downside whenever I fell in love. Guess what? Surprise! I haven’t learned that much. I still don’t give my new partner the space she needed. Even if I tried to give her space, I got so anxious and time passes so much slower.

In the core, I’m just craving for someone who’s just present, they don’t have to be devoted to me, I just want someone to listen to me blabbing about things in my head, and be in the moment. While other times I want someone who takes control of the situation, picks up my mess, and be a mess in front of me too.

I don’t really know what I want, I just feel anxious. I’m not enough, I need something to cover me. Like a jumpsuit.

May 5, 2020

[newjakarta-blog]

Living Life of Regrets

I regret everything I do in the past. I’ve been feeling that way since July last year. So I did everything I can to avoid piling up more regrets in the future, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I even have regrets from the things I did last week. Like, “I should’ve kissed her sooner”, “I should’ve been more authoritative regarding that matter”, et cetera. 

I realized that the whole time I have been blocking off my past and thought my past is just moments that has been passed and should never be reminisced. It turned out I just regret all of them so much that I hate myself, and I can’t stand remembering of how stupid of a person I was. The first ever regret I can think of off right now is lying to my mother which leads to uneventful set of trouble and shame I put my mother on. I wish I decided not to hang out with them in the first place. The biggest regret I can think of off now is for being a coward and hesitate so much about asking a girl out for a simple lunch, or coffee which leads to my latest love life problem. I went out with a girl who’ve been right in front of me the past 5 years, but when I finally cleared out the doubt in me to went out with her, she already fell in love with a different guy. I wish I had the courage and throw away my doubt and fear, and just ask her out 5 years ago. Things will be so much different than now, maybe New Jakarta is merely an idea on top of my head and not out in this world.

Well, I’m not stupid either, I did something about my regrets too but I’m not sure if it’s the best move I did or not, what I know is it really reliefs my regret. So in those years I hesitated about my love life was because I have no closure with my last girlfriend, we broke up and left so many things unsaid or done. So I tried to get closure towards her, although I admit my way was not the best if I had more time to think about it. In conclusion she and I are done, and I have nothing against her anymore so I can move on without crawling back to her every time my moving on attempts fail. I wanted to say I’m sorry to her if I did her wrong the last time, I wasn’t thinking rationally when I asked for us to get back together. I was selfish, but I don’t regret of how things went down and out with her. She was amazing, tender, and loving. I sincerely hope the best of future for her.

So, what I’m trying to say in this post is that when you’re on a mission to change one rotten thing about you, it won’t change in a blink of an eye. There’s a process we need to go through. Right now I’m in the most painful process to date, I hope this doesn’t get any worse than this. Now I will wait for the outcome of my new action in order to not feel anymore regrets in the future. Cheers.

With love,

New Jakarta

[newjakarta-blog]

Unknown - I quoted and edit this writing a little.

[newjakarta-blog]

Should I?

Introduce myself.

Of course, I should, this is my first post on this blog. I got here pretty late in the game, I’m a 22-year-old guy who works as an employee in a company located in Jakarta, Indonesia.

The reason I started this blog is that I need to get away with all of my social media account, the main one, and the second one. I’ve been feeling so mixed up lately on my personal life matter and I don’t want to bother, well, I did bother my closest friends but I don’t think I can continue to bother them on my personal problem.

The name New Jakarta is inspired by the fictional city of New York and Jakarta I made up my own and never really told anyone about it. Like all the things I will post in this blog, things I never said to anyone.

That's me introducing myself. Now allow me to vent everything I want on this blog. Thanks.

Regards,

New Jakarta.