nickyelsh

[nickyelsh]

life is good but i never stop being anxious

[nickyelsh]

i cant control how im perceived i can only control how i act i cant control how im perceived i can only control how i act how i act how i act its okay if im not interesting or funny to some im not here to entertain im not here to entertain im not a story im not a reel im not a post im a person im a human i exist outside of the screen i dont have to post for it to be true. i can wear clothes and i can do my hair and not post it that doesn't mean it wasn't there that does mean it didn't happen if a tree falls when no one is around does it make a sound yes yes it makes a sound i am screaming off a cliff and the only way someone hears it is if i set up a tripod and hit post

[nickyelsh]

im so sorry for the hatred but it was either you or me and i had to do anything i could to survive my brain i had to make you the villain because it was easier than looking at myself in the mirror and i am so sorry but i want you to know it isnt your fault it was never your fault 

[nickyelsh]

i can't believe you had the sweetest most loving girl on the planet convince herself that she was hard to love.

[nickyelsh]

YOU DONT GET TO TELL ME WHEN TO MOVE ON FROM THE HURT THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED ME BECAUSE I HAVE LETTERS IVE WRITTEN TO GOD TELLING HIM I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE IVE BEGGED TO EVERY DEITY I CAN THINK OF TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE LESS SAD LESS CRUEL

I HAVE VIDEOS OF ME CRYING BECAUSE RECORDING MYSELF WAS THE ONLY WAY I FELT LISTENED TO WHEN I WAS BY MYSELF I HAVE A MILLION VIDEOS OF ME REPEATING I UNDERSTAND HE'S BUSY I UNDERSTAND HE HAS HIS OWN LIFE BUT IM JUST SO ALONE AND I NEED HIM TO BE KIND TO ME BUT I KNOW HE'S BUSY I KNOW HE HAS HIS OWN LIFE

THAT GIRL WHO WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU LIKE HER SHE WOULD HAVE LET YOU FUCK HER AND YOU ALMOST DID YOU ASSHOLE

YOU ALMOST DID YOU ALMOST DID AND YOU ALMSOT DID AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE IT BACK AND ITS BEEN A LONG YEAR AND I ALL I HAVE IS ANGER BECAUSE YOU ALMOST DID

[nickyelsh]

i look in people's windows somehow manages to capture the weird feeling of not belonging with people you used to belong with so so well i genuinely cant, and its not even romantic its just the realization that you're not who u were anymore

"Does it feel alright to not know me? I'm addicted to the 'if only'

So I look in people's windows Like I'm some deranged weirdo I attend Christmas parties from outside"

[nickyelsh]

new year’s resolution 2025

be intentional in my thoughts feeling actions and energy

[nickyelsh]

why do i flow like the water but you stay stagnant like a rock near my shores

not even visible when the tide’s hight but ever so magnificent when they’re low. barely visible in the night but sun shines off your surface blindingly.

please let me erode you until you slowly chip away and leave my horizon.

my old geography textbooks say it takes time, maybe even billions of years but i dont know how long i can wait to see the orange yellow hues of day unimpeded.

you’re not as mighty as you used to be and yes my waves are rougher now. As soon as the sun sets and the moon rises, she pulls me towards her and you leave my world; but as soon as she leaves you are there again. still. constant. unmoving.

you were always like this

please evolve and migrate to another ocean. i dream of seeing the open sky but i can’t corrode you away on my own.

whenever my tide’s get too vicious the sun comes back again and i am reminded of light.

[nickyelsh]

coffee

3 months after we broke up, you called me.

“wait a second, i’m making some coffee”

and you said, “since when do you drink coffee”

the realisation was twice as bitter as the drink in my cup, you didn’t know that because you didn’t know me. you once did but not anymore. you didn’t know id been drinking coffee for the last month and id been thinking about dying my hair and that i had started wearing kajal instead of eyeliner. you didn’t have access to my mundane anymore.

“I just feel sleepy today”

6 months after that, i make myself another cup of coffee. warm and slightly sweet. you’ll never know how much i enjoy drinking it.

i dont know if im supposed to be relieved or disappointed.

perhaps when it’s been a year, i’ll make coffee and i wont think of you at all

[nickyelsh]

if you’re happy for literally any reason no matter how “small” or “stupid” you’re winning in this world as far as I can tell

[nickyelsh]

girlhood:

[nickyelsh]

i cannot make you love me i cannot

[nickyelsh]

i keep trying to be 36 but i am only 16

[nickyelsh]

New year resolutions:

- survive

- build stamina

- try again, no matter what happens. never stop trying

[nickyelsh]

Untitled

by Kobayashi Issa tr. Sam Hamill

After a long nap, the cat yawns, rises, and goes out looking for love

[nickyelsh]

wild child

on the road in my car

windows rolled down sunroof open

warm summer air flowing in

cut up watermelon in his hand

red hot delicious

he ate it in the messiest way possible

all hands sticky and wet

juice running down his chin

wild free and open

hot summer air

his mother’s favourite songs on the stereo

the up and down of the twisting roads

it was too much

he couldnt finish it

threw the rest out in the forest

from the moving car

a wild child on a wild ride

eating what he must

giving back what he doesn’t

wild hot and free

red damp and delicious

a wild child sits on the car seat

the wild child is me

[nickyelsh]

“I won’t give myself away to you. You will not define my worth. You do not define my worth. I can be kind and I can be patient but i will not be yours when i am mine first.”

a passive aggressive letter to you and a love letter to me💌