nicotagebuch-blog

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 14] On the ground zero

Actually, I also wanted to write something positive here in the blog, but somehow the world is against me. No, why am I blaming the world?

It alone my fault. Nobody else.

Now I have been waiting for my commission for 20 days. The fridge is completely empty. Have 240g coconut oil and some protein shake.

No more hot water, no more gas for cooking. Internet still 3 days. After all, I still have some food for Balder. It will last a few days. Unlike me, it looks bleak.

How can humans be? I never rely on a word from someone again. It hurts to get so fucked up.

Business is tough, someone who is employed, who gets his salary every month, does not understand that feeling.

Now I am in the park every day, distributing my samples for dog treats and hoping for a few clients the days to buy at least some food for me.

Thank God, I have a water filter otherwise I would have to drink the tap water.

I no longer have anyone to ask for help.

Now it's about me against the Universum.

Me against the capital.

Who has my money? Someone I do not know yet.

How stupid I was these last few months, how stupid. Fuck, I'm just stupid. Well, I have to look ahead. There is no turning back, where should I go with 13mxn in coins.

And would not that be too much? Fuck, why does not my head stop thinking about this woman? What the hell is my mind going and heart ... No idea. Somehow I miss her.

What the hell. Have found some weed, hope I can sleep. Luckily moment.

Goodnight world.

In desperate form

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 13] Being alone

"Sometimes you need to take a break from being alone and spending time alone, to experience, to appreciate and to love yourself." - Robert Tew

So says a proverb, in words, everything sounds so easy. Everything makes sense.

But the truth is, it's not easy, not everything is with a purpose. Rather, I float back and forth, between next dreams, with no sleep at night and the feeling of loneliness.

My heart dares to feel a small fraction for a fraction of a second before it gets hurt again.

I should love it, not hate it.

Actually, the world is nicer on its own, no annoying critters of the race human.

Fuck humans.

Deepened in thought I communicate to my alien friends in deep meditation, but still, I have the feeling something is missing in my life.

As Evelyn always said, I'm not ready for a relationship, all my life I been alone. 9 years on the high seas ... Time changed me.

I know I'm better like 95% of the guys out there, but what makes me feel smug, knowing my character is in the doorway with no one.

The Universe hopefully has other plans for me.

A deep breath, concentration. Life, Energy. Since 7 Days, $ 21MXN in my Wallet.

I'm a disaster, a mess, at least alone.

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 12] And more decisions.

After I'm still waiting for the agreed commission, I'm getting more and more sure what I want. And this universes told me its not for me, it just fit not for me.

Time for project number 3.

Yesterday I was able to win the first partner for this project. I'm working on the presentation for the capital raising.

Let's see how it works.

Critically, all of this fits me more.

I have to think more about myself, which is important for my life.

It hurts my soul and heart that I do not have the money to visit my grandmother, to go to Germany, how stupid of me to have relied on other people again.

Well again learned something, as so often.

Future and life. A balance of fears and hope.

G.

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

I just wrote a song about this and record it fast. Thanks to GL for give me a Studio for a hour. Thanks Bro.

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 11] One more letter

In remembrance,The MadI wonder between all the worries, between stress and money problems. Why can not I forget this woman?

I sit down for the last time, this time for the last time, I whisper softly to myself.

To you,

beautiful woman from the north.

I wonder why I think about you every day, knowing that it's crazy about me.

There are a lot of women out there, but none has been able to fascinate me as much as you have lately. how so? No idea.

Maybe it was really the magic solution you secretly put into the glass.

I know it will not end well. I know I will hurt even more. Why does my mind fail? Why can not I think clearly?

You're not the type to tell me otherwise, but at the same time, everything I ever wanted on a woman. Crazy, right?

Now I am here, in Mexico, 5814 nautical miles away from my hometown, lost and stranded in Mexico.

The question of the future puts a strain on me, future anxiety, money worries, everything displaces my brain when I think only of you. A second long.

I could promise to write never a letter to you again, but it's a lie, time flies, but that feeling remains.

Your aura inspires me. Your kisses stay anchored in my head. I want to forget you, but the more I try, the more I think about you.

Miss your lips to mine, miss your near, it was short, so short, just a blink of an eye.

I know, I am not.

You the beauty from the north of Mexico. I will probably not be able to forget you so I give you a place in my thoughts and hope to close this capital.

I will fail, I already know it.

In remembrance,

The Mad

The Crazy

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 10] Passion and purpose of life

For years, I would say time well 16 years pursues me the meaning of my life. Not the meaning of life in general. Here I am completely selfish.

My first project was water filters, until today I think it's a wonderful project, but maybe it's not the time, I've made so many mistakes. $ 3,000,000MXN in debt.

Fuck I have made many mistakes, far too small little mini celebrations celebrated as a victory. Party, women, and alcohol. All my mistakes. I can not blame my workers. It was me. 100%.

In the middle of all the separation of my fiancee, more parties and women followed. It follows the end of the Company. Not even started to finish again.

I learned a lot from it. But what I can buy from it?

The second project, the second company, now dog treats and dog food, a small project.

By the way, the debt has crushed me. The decision to leave the penthouse on the last floor with 200 square meters came much too late. For too long I have believed something will happen. Fuck, I just wanted to believe it, I was an idiot.

In the end I was at least smart enough to leave the apartment to look for a house which cost just 30% of what I paid for the penthouse.

But still parties and women. Alcohol, one night stands, I'm not a type for it. Deep inside, I just want a woman behind me who listens to me, who talks to me wisely. Sharing love and loving life and giving me energy. I do not need more.

Then came the beer project, I was about to go in completely, but Universum has other plans with me. Completely different.

I have to say goodbye to this life from parties, alcohol, women, tinder, dates, fuck all this.

For what? For the fun hours with a well-known or for the danger of falling in love with me and not getting reciprocated this love? My little fragile heart, it is broken, it was broken again, it was canned, spit on.

Life is pain, try to study this race human and I fail every day.

Now I have worked the whole weekend and the last few days to find my purpose. What I really want in life? I feel depressed and happy at the same time. I'm lost in space.

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 9] Decisions

 I believe today is the time to make final decisions and I completely listen to my gut feeling, my intuition.

After waiting patiently for 14 days for a response from Petra regarding the commission, yesterday I had again sent a very friendly voice message that was intercepted but never answered.

I have to pay rent, electricity, gas, water, internet, and especially food. If something happens to me or my beloved dog, I can not pay anything.

Since I help a person, go full commitment to the project and give everything and for what? For nothing. Just sad, I am deeply disappointed.

I love the product, but with someone who has no responsibility, no backbone I do not want to work together.

Nobody in the world is so busy not to answer even 5 minutes or at least a minute and say that you do not have time right now.

I was just fooled, again, as so often. Learned something again. This time a German in Mexico. Te lo juro! ¡Es neta!

Too bad, I would have left a lot of heart and love for the project, in particular I would have made the product known in Queretaro. I already had customers who were interested. Fuck it.

Well, Nicholas raves. Again the learning process. Decision made. I go solo.

Incredible. My life seems a single drama.

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 8] Ode to love

Since my youth, I travel the seven seas.

Have experienced adventures of what some people only dream, have experienced storms where I thought I will die. I looked death in the eye.

Have countries already in a time where the Smartphone dependency did not exist. Get to know cultures. So many places. So many Countries.

Sometimes I was homesick for these days at sea, but today I have Fernweh(wanderlust) these days, every day.

The English word "Wanderlust" is a German word and actually the wrong translation. The real word for my Feeling is "Fernweh" unfortunately there is no correct translation for it.

Now I am here in Mexico. The engagement dissolved, the hope for love, family and children shattered like the dream of independence.

Tried me as an entrepreneur to give her a special life, free, travel to every place we want, 5 years. But it was not to be her dream was not my dream and my dream was her dream.

No happy ending.

The feeling on the high seas, unencumbered by water. No land has seen for weeks, no internet. Today, the Internet is considered a human right even at sea. Ridiculous development in this world.

How much I miss the days of being unreachable.

I grew up with the internet, at school they called me Freak, Nerd, because I had built my own hardware with the soldering board.

Remind me like today when I came to school with my Mp3 Player and the kids laughed at me for being too "modern" and today they are all zombies caught between smartphones and reality.

The Zeitgeist, to renounce it again with a German word that exists only in my language, is not mine. Faster, more, farther, filters, colorful paint, party every day, let's forget about the real thing. A life packed in Instagram and Snapchat filters, the reality far away.

Why do beautiful women pack behind filters! Not my world.

I tried to be a part of it. I fail.

I have "Sehnsucht" Okay, so funny story: when I searched for the English translation of 'Sehnsucht', the dictionary only returned around 500 different possibilities! Yep, this is definitely an untranslatable German word. The compound words of 'Sehn' and 'Addiction' are literally translated as something along the lines of 'seeing addiction'. Desire is basically indescribable yearning for far off places and indescribable goals. It can be used as longing, yearning, craving, pining, etc.

CS Lewis, the author of the Narnia books, had something interesting to say about this quirky German word; "The unbelievable thing is the sound of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the End of the World, the opening lines of" Kubla Khan ", the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves. "Perhaps the best way to sum up this word is to describe it as future thinking nostalgia ...

Why?

I tried the be a part of this World, with Instagram, Tinder, Parties, etc... but I'm not, I'm too different to be a part of this world. May I'm Special even in a bad way.

Since my childhood, I was looking for love, I wrote over 200 Songs, 300 lyrics.

https://soundcloud.com/privat-geheim/vader-piano-freestyle-german-love-rap

Looking for love, but maybe it just needs love for myself?

I think it's fiction to think there's a person out there who's meant for you. I thought it too often, too quickly in love, too fast feeling but in the end nothing but blind promises and disappointments.

Maybe I am made for this pain, melancholy my worldview, maybe one day I'll write a book about the fictitious dream woman of my soul.

The one that makes me happy, gives me the energy to fulfill my dream. Independence of everything.

For a while, it was important to me what other people think about me meanwhile it does not matter, I give a shit about other peoples opinion. They live their dirty miserable life. I have a right to mine.

I shout and shove, I learn and learn. I love and my heart is broken. Vicious circle.

Where does this path lead me? No idea. I'm so close to failing again. But again, hey, I'm not even 31 years old. The whole life is still in front of me.

I have not even get warm. I'll make it, everything I ever wanted and more. Maybe you were out on me or I have to go this way alone, like the last 31 years. Life is learning. Every day.

insincere remembrance and love

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 7] Daily Work

Now I am sitting in the car to deliver her dog food to Paulina, luckily I know how to manipulate Uber if I have only 120mxn on the account but need 300mxn to deliver to you, the profit from the whole? 200MXN. After all, it is enough for some rice and veggies.

What should I say?

Petra really fooled me a bit, I really thought she was doing it decently, so now that she has been waiting so long to close the contracts with the investors, my commission is going down from 2.8% to 1.5% All payments after 15 August will be remunerated at only 1.5% according to our contract.

What do I learn? Never again allow contracts with hidden clauses, really very uncool of her but in business, there is no heart, no feelings. Actually, I should have already learned this but my feeling told me otherwise.

Fuck I just want to have the trademark rights for Queretaro with the beer, the question is how do I use that in place. First of all, I have to calculate the costs for a year again. More or less 1.2 million pesos should be the investment to cover one year. Let's see how the topic develops.

The rent is due and I have no money. My God I could really want to puke, no gas, no hot water, after all, I installed my water filter and a rice cooker, I should not starve for the next 7 days.

My visa expired and I heard real horror stories when the police caught one. Whenever I think it can not get any worse, moments like these are there.

And the crazy thing is I still can not forget this woman, this Nerdian man who swirls around in my mind and look at the Instagram stories .. Help if there can help me a therapy? Who knows.

In the end, I'm alone on this planet, missing my home in the stars far away from here ...

Scotty beam me away. I want home Kepler-1647b. I don't belong to this planet Earth. I lost here. 

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[Capital 6] Why did I choose this way?

There are already days where I sometimes ask myself what the hell am I doing here. Why did I choose this way?

But I mean, I do not want to complain so I even have chosen this way myself but still, we are days like this shit. Really sometimes you ask yourself what the hell is going on but maybe there is the truth and the question is what am I doing now, in the end I have to resign myself quite sharply considering where I go now, how, why, that's not an easy decision.

If the decision was easy in life then probably the right one would meet but no answer, I am somehow helpless, even completely unaware.

Once again it would be days like these when it is so easy to fall into old patterns.

If I think carefully about who has been the only one who has not fooled me yet in any business matter it was Fernando with the dog business everyone else, whether German Mexican Italians all the same, this is where the German speaks from me. Kind of Racist may haha.

somewhere there must always be light at the end of the horizon or not it can not go on as it is now he is awake and happy end of it...

workout today was well broken already, strangely enough, the neck pain was gone immediately afterward no idea. Have a headache. Again, why do not you pass away? Migraines as so often.

Give me hope

Nicholas

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[CAPITAL 5] What a crazy world.

What a mess in which I live. I sway between self-hatred, dissatisfaction, happiness, energy, and hope.

What do I want in my life? Happiness and love? But what am I really burning for?

This adventure life is an infinite journey into the uncertain, of course I do not go the easy way, but the sway, the stony, the hard. But I've imposed these hurdles on myself, so why complain?

But I'm not complaining. I live.

Woke up this morning, again not in time. No matter. This afternoon training is announced again, finally reduce stress again.

The woman of my sleepless nights is now in Europe and spending her holidays there, I would like to say the following words to her.

... I'm an idiot, if I had seen you on the street a year ago I would have spoken to you and you would have met the guy that I been once, full of life energy and positive flowering.

Instead, our souls found themselves on Tinder, and I behaved like a dork.

I do not want a model, I do not want a drama, I do not want a woman who goes to parties every weekend, I do not want an influencer Instagram Lady, I do not want a fantasy.

Where can you find a woman like you? Maybe that was the reason why I acted like I did. Cheap excuse.

I was not satisfied with myself. This is probably the real reason and then I destroyed something that did not exist at all, but also destroyed something for something beautiful in the future. Fictitious but still there was the possibility.

I try to forget you, but I can not, how could some weeks shape me as much as you did?

What poison did you put into my drink that my thoughts circle around you instead of looking ahead?

All the women I know, the ones I met, the ones I saw, but somehow, for whatever reason, you're the only one I think.

You are something special, the beauty of the mexican north, intelligent and beautiful.

I'm so sorry. You're wonderful. ..

Maybe one day I'll send her those words, who knows. I have to work a little bit and then it's time for the sport.

The woman from GDL on the subject of business wanted to report but it always shifts.

I need the money, I want to go to my grandma, I want, I have to.

What a mess my life...

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[CAPITAL 4] Friday

What are the days gone by, finally I feel m self again.

I notice piece by piece how my life actually went wrong.

Sometimes you wonder what's going on with the world, look at Instagram's stories on Friday night.

Everyone celebrating, alcohol, drugs more alcohol, really almost all.

Last week had my soul mates addressed, I ask here on the Dog Park, the lady also has a dog business, so many things in common, but also just party, party, party, party. Understandably I did not really understand what was going wrong I would probably have been out there. Today is my training-free day, I clean up the apartment and try to relax something, the soreness is incredible, I can not even walk normally.

Ridiculous actually. But I love it. The wife of my sleepless nights writes to me again why I do not follow her on Instagram and I think, what should I say to that. Smartphone off. I'm done. Goodnight world.

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[CAPITAL 3] The journey starts

What a sleepless night, again, as so often, thinking about my life, thinking about women, thinking about my former fiancé.

The alarm clock rings at 7 o'clock.

Fuck.

OK.

9 clock.

Fuck upside down.

11 clock.

finally got up.

Productive looks different, rather more bad than a little done on the computer.

Youtube video. Motivation. Diet. Nutrition.

Old pictures from my self looked at the gym. My god, I was in a good mood back then. Everything went perfect. Love, relationship, job.

Nothing works today, but instead of changing me. I drink. Repress the stress, displace the pain.

I realize that I need to change. The fridge is full of healthy food. Fuck I do not have to eat unhealthy tacos. OK. Back to the roots.

Playtime, I go out with my beloved Balder, the little crazy ...

a thunderstorm moves out, sun on the left, dark clouds on the right. Devil and Angel.

Play for my soul ... quickly back home .... Now came the decision.

I decided correctly, pullover dressed, jogging pants, let's go to the gym ... As an extra kick some new music and a booster. Yeah.

I'm getting warmer, the focus is fixed, this feeling.

Adrenaline through my veins. The first push. the second.

Fuck one more. I notice how my old one is awakened.

I notice how the change takes me back.

from 30 minutes to 60 minutes, must hold back me not completely destroy with the weighting lifitng. Tomorrow morning Pull Training. Be calm.

I love lifting heavy weights, the feeling is strength and energy in once.

Back home, fast some protein, then quick sprints with Balder in the rain. Completely wet, but completely happy. The happiest day for 6 months. Sleep early, maybe not today.

Thanks, rushing thoughts, and I think of you again, but it does not hurt anymore. I understand I'm not ready. I am a tailcoat of myself. I must first love myself again so that others can love me.

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[CAPITAL 2] NEW OLD OBJECTIVES AND THE LEARNING EFFECT

Monday the 12th of August 2019.

My landlord tells me that he is coming to pick up the rent on Wednesday and I dorky had hoped the 70,000mxn leftover commission should be this morning on my account, but I know that nothing will come.

I can not rely on this woman, I think.

What a naughty statement, I'm even the biggest idiot, had I blundered the 20,000MXN of the last MONDAY, not within 5 days, I only have $ 524mxn on the bank account today.

Fuck, wisely, I have enough food.

Fortunately, I was also smart enough to get food.

The focus must be back.

The hunger has to go back, so I start something radical, which keeps me away from Tinder, women, alcohol, parties.

I've lost Radical before, why this again, but this time harder.

Project "back to fit" back to the roots... Radical training and weight lose... again. Just more crazy this time.

I will capture this by video, audio, and text. This trip has an advantage.

I have made many diets, so far over 25Kg gone, but was happy to early, while my dream body is only 14,2KG away.

This automatically means a 100% focus on diet, work, nutrition. There is no time left for stupidity. No alcohol, no parties.

Problem B is in process, I work on it, problem A is money, and I need it fast. I think.

Problem C, is my soul.

Maybe I should stop looking at Instagram if she still sees my stories and just tells her the following words, I thought and sat down and write the following words on a piece of paper.

....I would like to forget you? Why do I still remember you? Why do I miss something I've never owned, and why do I mourn something I've destroyed myself because it just existed in my mind.

My God, I just think of your smile for a second and I'm enchanted and everything stops for a second in my soul. It appeared perfect, a construct of my imagination that my dream woman plays again, not free of flaws, but flawless in her radiance.

No perfection, but perfect the illusion.

I fell deeply, damn deep and it only takes a second and a kiss. I always tell I do not believe in romance, damn it, I'm the last romantic in a world of feeble, the silly promise, cliche love. I believe in destiny, not in love, I believe in the moment. The intensive moments in my life, so I open my heart rashly, again and land brutally.

Yes, it was my fault.

Lo siento.

I miss you somehow, something, maybe a little ...

What a crap, I thought to myself and threw the letter back in the trash.

What have I learned, SAVE money, at last, do not live like before your self-employment? There is no longer every 4 weeks money, like before with a Job.

Learn it at last. You are the one who generates your income.

Damn it.

You can not go to parties, you can not buy unnecessary clothes and items. It does not work.

Look at your stomach, you have become fat again, lazy ...

You remember 15 Months ago? Minimum 5 days a week ago you were at the Gym.

There were no excuses. And now?

I only hear excuses. The whole day my brain whisper excuses to me. Fuck you brain.

I ask my self, How much did you spend on the women, the dates that Tinder meets? On Parties, on Alcohol?

And you wonder where your money stays. And not only did I mean that one woman who twisted your head, but I also meant the other tinder dates, you blame her for something you do as well. But you wanted here completely, because you fall to deeply but you are not ready for something.

Just Ridiculous.

Move your ass, get your life back, stop beating up on your separation with Evelyn.

You did not even want to process it properly, but again you want the new love, the new dog, everything just represses your feelings and mourning for you.

Let it out, it was wonderful but it did not fit.

Keep the years of wonderful memories with her. One last time look at the pictures of her and then clear everything away. Definitely, you already have a new house, why are her pictures still hanging on the wall?

You have to love yourself first. Learning effect. Love yourself first. Give yourself the food you deserve, give you the movement you deserve, and give you the energy and success you deserve. Turn on selfish and love your self.

No more online dating, no more women.

Diet you've already started, If you're not dead tomorrow, you're doing sports. the alarm clock is put 7am. Getting up to go out with the Dog. No matter what.

Hope

LA.

[nicotagebuch-blog]

[CAPITAL 1] I'm not sure

why I’m writing this?

At least it can be a diary of my soul, always I wanted to write my ideas and mind of, but I was always too lazy. I don't understand how powerful it feels to express my mind.

I think I lose something good, even when it was just for the blink of an eye.

It's a Story. Mexico, once I wrote a letter for a Lady because I did again something stupid. So I sit my self down and wrote the following words on a piece of paper

....I need to apologize for my behavior, it mind be childish, crazy, abnormal and inexplicable for you.

It’s the truth, I’m all of it. From the first moment, I saw you I was fallen. I don’t want to call it love, I will call it romance. The first moment that I saw in your eyes and listen to your voice, I even deeper fallen.

This playful nativity yet so intimate, as one rarely finds this combination.

What can I say?

Lo siento....

I destroyed the letter and threw the crumpled paper in the trash.

It latches ridiculous, almost desperate, only a jerk would give something to a woman like her. Then it's better to keep silent, I thought to myself.

Well, I tell you about my life, the last months have been intensive.

I’m so stressed, this path that I go with this Project's it's going to be easy, it's getting worst and worst, its an up and down of feelings, one-day everything is super, I make some cash next days I lose a lot.

But it needs to be work.

I have sometimes no Idea how to pay the rent or food, then when money comes I forgot everything and living like to tomorrow, just a while, to have the feeling of "how it would be an entrepreneur" but I'm not.

So far I'm just a wannabe. A fucking joke.

I had nothing when I come here, no single penny of savings. Only loans, and even here I make more loads, and more and more and even more. This amount its too much for me, and pray to my Alien friends that one day at getting better and I can payback all.

This depression me.

I’m just stupids, I had the last time so many highs in life, that I forgot about the lows, the downs, and it hits me the last weeks more and more.

Last week I get a front of my Commission 20,000mxn and instead to put it by side, I was thinking, no Problem, next week I get the 100,000mxn so I can spend it and celebrate a bit.

Like before.

But then when things get worst, and it is bad and you realize tomorrow the house owner comes and want the rent and I have just 7,000mxn its a piece of shit.

Even If told him this time I will pay two rents. Fuck why I'm so stupid to spend this money. I hope the other commission part will come but the Lady doesn't answer anymore.

She is on Holiday, because she had to much stress, so she leaves to a beach.

Does the woman really mean that? At this stage, just run away? On vacation. For a whole week? We are not talking about a day's relaxation plus SPA. One week. The additional that investors complain that they can not get any feedback, I understand too well. And I've been so focused on it for weeks.

For nothing.

No trust at this world.

LA