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[nolvngerhvman]

nikolai, who suffers from derealization. (requested) my knowledge on derealization is limited, and I have tried my best to research to make it as accurate as possible. apologies just in case anything is unrealistic / inaccurate.

Life is slipping away once again.

For him, it feels distant. He’s alone.

He stares at you, he knows he is, but he can’t feel an ounce of reality like he used to. He moves his arms slightly, unable to feel if he is still in control of them. He sees them move, he can’t feel.

Colours disappear, his vision goes foggy, and it feels as if his ears have been plugged. He just stares at the distance, feeling his mind slowly going numb. Time seems to stop for him, he feels as if he is outside of his body. You still haven’t realized.

He feels his sanity that he claims to have slip away, he wants to chase after it. He can’t.

Even though his mind feels numb, he feels his eyes stinging. Why is he crying? You still haven’t realized.

He is unable to reach out to you, he can’t bring himself to move, why would it matter? Is he even real? Are you even real?

The feeling of guilt, the yearning for freedom is gone. He is convinced none of them were real, he is sure he doesn’t exist.

He sees you stand up and walk off to somewhere. He still doesn’t move.

“Are you going to sit there forever?” He finally walks towards you.

For an entire day, he seems to be detached, you realize. Out of fear of saying something wrong, you haven’t say anything about it yet. It pains to see him this way.

He fools around more than he used to during missions, not the type that makes the enemy scared and you two laugh, the type that puts his life in danger. Somehow, he never acted in a way which would cause the mission to be a failure, but the way he played with his own life made you scared. He may be insane, but this is unusual for him.

He lays down with his arm draped over his eyes. His mind is empty, his body feels as if he is floating.

“Nikolai?”

He thinks he heard your voice, are you real? Is the hand caressing his face real?

“Talk to me. Please.”

He looks at you, his heterochromic eyes once full of colour now looks lifeless.

He rests his head against your shoulder, you hold him close. Stray tears he doesn’t even realize are there slip away and soak your shirt.

You don’t pressure him, you know he will talk when he wants to.

[nolvngerhvman]

no thoughts, only what I imagine Fyodor's religious trauma to be like

A/N: also I know I haven't responded to requests yet, I'm almost done with my exam week and I will continue to write them when I'm done with it.

please don't chase me with torches and pitchforks <3

If I become a sinner… I won’t be worthy of his love.

Oh the Lord above all, why is the love you hold for me is based on my behaviour? Will I be less of a blessed soul of yours if I sin? Won’t you love me anymore?

The old women in my local church who seemed to have a weirdly soft spot for me happened to tell me this, “God watches your every move my son. He won’t love you if you sin.” You won’t love me if I sin.

He won’t love me if I sin.

If I don’t follow the path that god had given me, I will be cast into eternal damnation in hell.

My entire soul, my life, every breath I take is devoted to you my Lord. Accept me, acknowledge me, love me.

I am just a sinful child who needs redemption from God.

Every Sunday I go to church to fulfil my duty as a Christian. So that I will stand out, you will be aware of how loyal I am to you, to be one of your best servants. I pray for hours, I wish for your forgiveness. Show me mercy my Lord.

When I’m able to, when I’m older, I will purge this corrupt world of sin, making it a world only existing of people who are pure enough. I won’t let anyone dirty it anymore my Lord.

A world without war, famine, or pestilence. A world without hatred and sin. A world in which every human is pure and kind. A world in which no soul has to suffer. Perhaps I am misguided, naïve, and arrogant, but it is what I wish to see.

If that is my sin, if that is what makes me evil, then I will carry it forever. In that way, at least, I will be remembered.

I will be your devoted follower, your servant, someone who was handpicked specially by you to cleanse this world. My Lord, will you love me then? Will that be enough of me to show my devotion for you?

Why won’t you hear me?

Why won’t you respond to my cries?

Are you selfish enough to overlook my prayers?

I don’t want to be alone. The only time I find solitude is when I’m in church, I feel protected by you when I’m under the roof of the cathedral.

So why won’t you do something?

If this world is your creation, you are the greatest evil of them all.

God gives us nothing. Only we can deliver ourselves from our suffering. God is a façade people use to justify their actions, whether they are good or evil. We are masters of our own fates, not God.

God is simply another sin to eradicate.

God is a lie. Nothing more than a tool used to control others in order to benefit themselves.