nothingbutbehappy

[nothingbutbehappy]

The Curse That Is You

I was called a control freak by my own father for wanting a better family.

My dad is a good man just ask his friends. But as for me, he was doing poorly as a provider. I can’t even remember the last time he gave me a school allowance. The last memory I had with him buying me the materials I need for school was when I was still in elementary school.

Most of my life he’s been working in the industry he’s really passionate and skilled about. Perhaps it makes you wonder now, if he’s been working all throughout my existence, why is he failing to provide my needs? That’s because he is selfish. When he bags a contract most of his take home money will just go to drinking and occasional gambling. Just tonight, while drinking with his workers he lost money from online cockfighting. I didn’t care much honestly because that’s his money and his money is just his own.

He is the biggest freeloader I’ve met in my life. I kid you not when I say that he never give a single fuck to pay our bills. There was a time when our small business was plummeting and I had to shoulder our bills using the money I saved from my scholarships and freelance jobs. If anything, it’s my mom that basically saved this family from the brink of collapsing. My mom took the job he left without hesitation. She knew that if she’s not gonna roll her sleeves and get the work done, we will starve and we will not have the things we have on our palms today. We survived because of my mom, the real hero in this story. But I guess you know who always take the credit.

When I say he’s a good man, that is attested by a friend of his. He spends most of his income on drinks, gambling, and girls back then. We have a small retail store but to him, that’s just an unlimited storage of booze and food for his gang. Last year I decided to put a portion of my savings in our store because I want to gain income while finishing my degree. At first he was consistent in paying for the drinks because he knew that I own that now. Until he stopped and said he’ll just pay for it tomorrow. I manifested my annoyance but I knew deep within that it’s meant to happen anyway. I looked passed that and thought perhaps that’s just the externalities I need to shoulder as a businessman.

It’s hard to accept that my father is nothing like to what my friends have. It saddens me that if he thought of his family first before others, we would be in a much desirable state. Those were the things I’m so regretful about him. But I learned to live through it. I learned to accept the person that he is. I learned to reconcile my expectations with what’s in front of me. I did all that because I love him and I only care for him. Not once I thought about shaming him for his shortcomings. Not once I pulled a stunt to make him feel small. I thought, I can’t change the way how he is thus I let him be the person he wants himself to be despite what I’m feeling.

This is why tonight, when he told me that I’m starting to control him and even my mom, I felt really disappointed, crushed. He spoke with vile in his words about me starting to takeover the house all because I have modest achievements. He made it seem as if I’m the real deal in this house. Clearly, he doesn’t know that I’ve been living a life I never wanted. He never had the slightest clue that I don’t deserve any of this. But what baffles me more is that he failed to see the way we’ve been keeping all these emotions to ourselves; how we basically let him do the things he want. All these things but I’m the selfish and controlling one.

I may not be the best child in the world but I can tell you that my dad has caused more stress to my mom than I ever did. I always tell my mom that we just have to live with this curse and proceed with our life. That’s what I’m gonna do again tomorrow when I wake up and the other days I will breathe. Although this time I will try to be more quiet and not speak my thoughts until I can start thinking and living the way I want my life to be.

[nothingbutbehappy]

sooooo I made this small Haechan fancam using Doja Cat's song Cybers**. I really like the beat of this song, it's so sweet and playful just like Haechan. However the lyrics 👀 nvm lo

please tell me what you think of it

[nothingbutbehappy]

It has been a while since I last touched my photoshop and tonight I decide to relive all the edits I did around 2016. Here's my attempt to recreate the early 2000's Filipino notebook covers.

[nothingbutbehappy]

Noted!

Still stuck on resolutions? Here are 21 easy habits to try in 2021!

Obviously don’t aim for all of these, but these are some little productive habits that’ll help as we move into 2021 :)

Make your bed every morning

Drink water when you wake up

Make sure you eat breakfast every day

Eat a piece of fruit every day

No working on your bed

Read a couple pages of something for fun every day

Stretch for 10mins daily

Write a line a day about how things went

Set a time to stop working every day

Make sure you take breaks while working

Never buy something online the first time you find it- give yourself a few days and see if you still want it

Buy second hand where you can

Plan your grocery shopping

Tidy your desk when you stop working!

Do your washing up as you go

Make your to do list the night before

Plan your outfit the night before

Smile at yourself in the mirror when you see one

If you don’t do sports normally, put some time aside to get outside (even for a walk) a couple of times a week

Seek out local businesses and choose them over chains where you can

Here’s to a productive, happy, and healthy 2021!

[nothingbutbehappy]

New Year’s Day

When the fireworks started lighting up the sky, I knew I was supposed to feel a degree of happiness. I was supposed to see a glimmer of hope because I survived 2020 not in a hospital bed or in isolation. 

January 1 felt like a renewal of a loneliness I have been trying to keep as a secret. If you see me thru the castle I’ve built you will probably think I’m having a total blast, the best time of my life. Truth is I’m not. I AM SO LONELY. I have never felt so alone until I saw my best friend kissed her girlfriend as soon as the clock hit 12 midnight. I wish to have myself something like that. I wish I have someone like that. 

“Happy New Year”, I said. But really, it’s just a new set of calendar for me.