nsfa-poetry

[nsfa-poetry]

THEN VS. NOW

2 YEARS AGO: i was excited. going on a date with a guy who practically already knew my dad. an obstacle, a hurdle i thought would be helpful. dates to breweries. stroking the tattoos on his arms. simple conversations about work. staring into each others eyes. fucking in the backseat of our cars. helping me move into my apartment. going to baseball games together. hugging each other but restricting the urge to fall in love. i myself wanting to fall in love, get married, and have kids with whoever wanted to do that with me first. wanting, willing, and able, thinking this is the time.

NOW: starting from scratch. saying you’re sorry. seeing what chemistry we actually have. drinking margaritas. recapping white lotus. surprise me with salsa. knowing each other already but not really knowing where to go from there. haven’t felt comfortable telling you that yet. i myself turning 30 and knowing that i dont want children. don’t even really know if i want to get married either. seeing a fuck ton of videos with tarot telling me that it’s my motherfucking time and not believing them because it led me astray the first time. wanting to have you over just to feel what it’s like to be in your arms again. knowing that i need to guard my heart before believing anything you say or do.

[nsfa-poetry]

a ghost has come back to haunt me

i saw your face i should’ve swiped left i should have swiped left i should have swiped left curiosity killed the god damn cat because i swiped right and we matched well…that will have to wait another day “__ messaged you” a notification rang pinged dinged into my skull “hey…i’m sorry…” you? sorry? for what? because instead of becoming a friend a simple friend after being more a ghost has come back to haunt me i’ve never been a fan of horror movies but this terrifying feature might be the scariest i’ve seen

[nsfa-poetry]

shit...

i searched you up

and saw your face

i didn’t look

didn’t want to see

because of course

i already know

(it doesn’t have to be true)

you’re living a life

better than me

in love with a girl

taking her on dates

giving her flowers

calling her yours

shit…

thank god you’re

on private

[nsfa-poetry]

why does he look so familiar?

name on the top left corner of the screen doesn’t even register to me i see his face i’ve seen his face where have i seen his face? i scroll and scroll the pictures aren’t the same he’s changed he’s changed he’s grown he’s aged we both have he’s now 32 and a taurus too i’ve seen his face i remember his voice “don’t worry, i got you” … he said that while getting on top of me to rock my world to rock my car i know him i know him intimately i remember him saying he got a new girl he’s going to try guess it didn’t work out or maybe it did and he’s finding someone on the side but number 18, i swiped right on you even though i most definitely know that the feelings won’t be reciprocated they never are they never are

[nsfa-poetry]

first capricorn full moon

i don’t really know how to feel about any of this at all all i can think of is your hands wrapping around my throat yanking my head back by my hair to kiss my neck “you are so soft” you say, your fingers dancing across my skin stroking and gripping your kisses your kisses your kisses enough to tide me over until i see you again

[nsfa-poetry]

constant

constant but not consistent i remind myself so what he doesn’t respond to my text messages for several days at a time because of course it leaves me wanting grasping at straws for the next time he’ll send a mediocre text i make an excuse for him saying “ur” he’s busy too busy to type two more measly letters but my opinion doesn’t matter why should it we’re nothing more than what we are and what we are confuses my aorta and the valves in my pumping heart doesn’t it mean it’s okay? that his communication is constant, but not consistent? that’s what the people online say that i shouldn’t know everything about him from a conversation over the phone but i knew every inch of his body before i learned his real first name

[nsfa-poetry]

revelation on romance novels - an essay

there is always a lightbulb moment where everything changes in a book and the main character realizes…fuck, i love this person. even if they try to deny it, excuse it, or insist that the love is truly not for them. that they don’t deserve this amazing, mind-blowing, forever and always, till death do us part kind of love. except…isn’t that life? dropping the exact love of our life and every life or alternate and parallel universe that exists in front of our face when we least expect it.

[nsfa-poetry]

but what about me?

i blinked my eyes open and woke up from the dreams of the men who shunned me away cast me out told me they like everything except for who i am i am someone of merit i am someone worthy i fucking deserve it but instead they see their hand trace the shape of the voluptuous body i encompass instead they hear the moans and cries of pleasure they inflict on me instead they taste the taste of themselves when i shove my tongue down their throat they feel that sticky sickly sweet pungent air of sex they can’t get enough … but what about me

[nsfa-poetry]

strong independent b l a c k woman

when i turned 27, i learned to not take things personally it was a hard thing to learn and something that took a long time to understand but i got there. nothing can hurt me now

when i turned 28, i learned how to set boundaries it’s been a hard thing to learn and something that took a long time to understand but i got there. no one can break me now

it’s turned me into a strong independent woman a strong independent b l a c k woman and that was your type that was your schtick someone who knew what they wanted and could handle their own shit

yet here we are not taking things personally (putting me in 1st place as fuckable but not lovable) setting boundaries (honestly communicating that i am lovable and not just fuckable)

if you wanted me, you would’ve made up your motherfucking mind don’t ask for a strong independent woman because you’ll get me a strong independent B L A C K woman

[nsfa-poetry]

things that i've finally said - a sent message

I know we talked about dating with the intention of a long-term commitment and relationship. I also understand sex and intimacy is how you show love. We can be proactive about making sure when we’re on dates that we focus on learning more about each other and seeing if we are a good match for one another. I think what I’m afraid of is that we have sex and then it changes the dynamic of how we continue dating. That you fall for my body more instead of me as a person? I know you said you were going on dates with other people, so I guess I don’t want to be shelved into the category of someone you’re dating and sleeping with rather than someone you’re looking to form a relationship with. I don’t know if that makes sense.

[nsfa-poetry]

searing

your arm draped

on the back of my chair

you hand tracing

my spine to guide

your palm against

my backside in a hug

your touch searing

into my brain

causes me to wonder

what do you want

right now?

[nsfa-poetry]

trying my best - an unsent message

i’m trying to get better at reminding myself that other people aren’t mind readers. and it’s especially hard to understand how you want someone to interpret something over text instead of verbally. 

i’m a little upset over you not wanting to hang out tonight. mainly because i had already paid for the hotel room and we really truly didn’t have to do anything when we got here. i kind of just wanted to spoil you: give you a massage, time to relax and rest, wake up whenever you want to, have a body to sleep next to if you wanted. 

it was a long day for you. 9-4 in 90° weather? i can believe that’s unbearable. therefore, when you were coming back home and saying you were tired, i didn’t want to guilt you into anything by saying i had already paid for the hotel, so i just didn’t say anything. i apologize for not saying i had already gotten the hotel. i wanted it to be a surprise, but i should have just outright told you. i’m sorry for being upset as well. i need to be more understanding of the hard work you’re putting in for your future.

i say all that and then i think, fuck how serious does that shit sound considering i’m the one that wants to take things slow. i totally understand if you don’t want to see me after this, i probably sound insane. i’m sorry

[nsfa-poetry]

i want to take things slow

i want to wake up next to you

i want to take things slow

i love tracing the outlines

of the ink that lines your arms

i want to take things slow

i love how you hold me

like you can’t get enough

i want to take things slow

my heart skips a beat when

you call me darling

i want to take things slow

i love it when you tell me

“you’re such a good girl”

when i tighten around you

i want to take things slow

i’d be okay moving away

to be with you

i want to take things slow

[nsfa-poetry]

sucker for you

i’m a sucker

for someone who

cradles

smacks

rubs

squeezes

kisses 

my flesh

like they can’t

get enough

[nsfa-poetry]

you're a new man

you slide your hands into the back pockets of my jeans you bite my bottom lip with a squeeze cause you tease you deflowered my new car because you couldn’t get enough you kept saying you wanted me all to your damn self I knew it wouldn’t work we wouldn’t last long north carolina and baseball seems to be your swan song but what we had was perfect I know I’ll never forget but forever moves forward

[nsfa-poetry]

nickels, quarter, pennies, dimes - an essay

I’m trying to change. Trying to believe that if you stay stagnant, you’ll lose yourself. What is the point of the earth rotating and revolving if you yourself cannot move forward? One revolution ago, I swore to not take things personally. I think that was achievable. I gave people second chances I wouldn’t have before. I let students make mistakes in order to grow. This revolution, I’m guaranteed to be better. Creating boundaries I hadn’t before. Having difficult conversations with people who do not know or have what’s best for me. Learning that you can’t be friends with everyone, and everyone does not want to be friends with you (although I knew that already). Physically freeing myself from the confines of which I put myself in. I don’t know what will come next, but all I know is that it will be for the better.

[nsfa-poetry]

commitment

an emotionally unavailable man

fucking one woman exclusively

for a whole year

sounds whole lot like 

commitment to me