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numnumcrumbs · 1 year ago

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Entry#3 08/01

Currently getting over first crush and gosh it feels like death ´༎ຶ ͜ʖ ༎ຶ ` and just goes to show I still very much have an anxious attachment style and need to continue my journey for self love..

I haven’t had a genuine crush on someone in years and recently had started talking to a guy. It was great we had a lot in common and would text almost everyday.. first date was fabulous we grabbed food walked around for a bit then got coffee as well overall it was an amazing 4hrs spent together(at least in my opinion) The next day radio silence.. day turns into two, which turns into week.. during that time I did feel hurt and confused trying to understand where I went wrong.. he did tell me previously that he suffered from depression and would sometimes just go MIA so I tried to tell myself that was the case and he was needing a moment to himself.. after 2 weeks of not hearing from him I was ready to give up. Then of course out the blue he messages me apologizing stating that it was in fact him being down.. I told him that I understood that next time if he could just reach out and tell me if he needed space so I’m not left with anxiety n confusion. Which he agreed he wouldn’t do again..

We go back to talking everyday as if nothing happened, which was fine I enjoy talking to him it was nice to talk about my interests with him and flirting in between (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) I was getting ready to go out of town and wanted to see him once before I left. So we planned for me to come over to his place and he’d make dinner while we watch movies. Once again I had such a fun time, food was delicious, we sang karaoke to Hazbin Hotel soundtrack, watched Spirited Away, it was just really nice. At the end we did kiss if I’m being honest it did feel a lil awkward (^_^;) but that wasn’t really a deal breaker for me. I thought “eh that can always be worked on” at the end of the night he dropped me off and we kissed goodbye. I told him that I hope to hear from him and that he doesn’t go ghost on me again. He giggled n said if he does I know where he lives..

The next day I’m getting ready to fly out and text him when I’m at the airport/when I landed. No response I thought “ok maybe he’s busy” and then a day goes by which I tried to rationalize with myself thinking that he doesn’t want to bother me while I’m on my trip.. during my trip I am under the influence so I’m highly emotional. I knew he dipped on me again and it sucked bad. For a moment I thought “maybe he’s just down again” so I send a message just saying “hope ur ok 🥺” radio FREAKING silence (˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ ) at this point I give up and just tell myself to enjoy the trip(which I do it was so much fun)..

Once back home still no word from him but I can see he’s still been active on his socials the entire time. I’m hurt.. sad.. just confused all over again. Why not just tell me ur not feeling me.. I mean yes that would also hurt but not as bad as this. Now I’m left thinking what’s wrong with me or “damn was the kiss really that bad lol”

Although I still feel a lil down about the whole situation I decided to let it be.. I was gon send a decently length message explaining my hurt feelings but ik that is pointless and that he doesn’t care. I know now I still idealize a whole relationship with someone before actually knowing that someone. I think I’m more upset that I have to let the dream die.. but all and all I’m happy I can still have these types of feelings for someone.. that in itself was a wonderful experience (灬 ω 灬)

#personal blog #tumblr diary #vent #personal vent #It must’ve been the kiss #crushin hard #anxitey #radio silence #tryin to find the silver lining

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