nutmeg-applepie

[nutmeg-applepie]

I Really Dislike My Arms

10/27/24

cw: really awful self-destructive thoughts, disordered eating, self-harm

Lipo-suction or i'm just slicing my arms off, no inbetween. Is starting weight-lifting out of genuine disgust for those fucking wobbly fat sticks a good enough motivator?

It's either my arms or my abdomen, dunno which one takes the cake both lmao. Why did I have to starve myself when I was fat, now I don't want to anymore, it's just triggering. But ugh I cant stand seeing myself anymore like does everyone just go about their day with chunks of fat on both sides of their torsos and not have problems with it? No, 'cause everyone seems to be FIT wherever I look. Every fucking girl goes to the gym and has toned EVERYTHING. I'm just a slob I guess.

I've never moved more in my life but I still look like a couch potato. What the FUCK? God why do I have a body. Who did this to me, this is the worst punishment I could've gotten.

I genuinely need to contain myself from flagellating my entire arm. Killing it with exercise will subdue the urge and maybe change it for the better

[nutmeg-applepie]

Dysmorphia

Are my arms fat or do they just look like human arms?

[nutmeg-applepie]

You Make Yourself

08.10.24

I hope the scars stay with me forever.

I hope you all see.

Wasn't me, you all did this together.

I used to love me. I used to really love.

[nutmeg-applepie]

Is this vague enough

20.09.24

My thighs look even worse now.

I don't know why I had to do it, I just did.

But now they're just gruesome.

[nutmeg-applepie]

10.09.24

guy next to me on the train sighing and staring longingly. like huh? where were you losers back when i was fat and wanted to throw myself off a cliff? better late than ever i guess.

no, do not fucking follow me, i'm so full of myself your chances aren't even a quantifiable factor.

yeah that's what i thought, keep walking. thank god i'm hot enough they realize it's not even worth a try.

a few months ago they still tried this bullshit. fucking incels.

is validation making me an awful person?

may God forgive me for this prideful disease of mine. i'm deeply ashamed as i'm typing this out.

[nutmeg-applepie]

10.09.24

why does every mirror selfie girlie have no thighs. what did i do to deserve this.

[nutmeg-applepie]

09.09.24

that's even less than i expected.

how is that average when i'm not even close to that, despite the efforts they claim inhumane, despite the risks.

i thought i could afford to stop. i thought i had had enough already, turns out i haven't even had average?

rue the day i found out i could be quantified.

[nutmeg-applepie]

Purchases & Aquirements

My new laptop arrived on the same day I wound up carrying out on a single cup of soy coffee. Whenever I did eat, other than the sweetness of an awaited meal I was additionally met with that of an old underdeveloped habit that would allow me to rid myself of the former.

Considering I get to be a legitimate tumblr lurker now and I'm reconsidering the ancient art of purging while successfully beginning to look like a normal person rather than a sack of fat reserves...

I'd say, life is good.

[nutmeg-applepie]

early hours are leading me to wonder...

how much water will it take me to successfully puke rather than chickening out because of some vain idea of self love and preservation?

nothing about my binges screams self love. it's more so the impending desire to scream at myself. with the gastric pain, the taut abdomen. not nearly as painful as inanition can be. surely's never as blissful as the latter.

i'm just a series of failed attempts. i'm heavier than i ever was before i even learnt how to starve, and i'd even entertain the idea i'm just not built for it.

but when you have nothing left to live for, as you're left out of everything else in life. no, not while you're fat. even public appearances are excruciating when you are like this. when there's nothing left, what else is there to do?

eating has only ruined my life. a vital function, perverted as such.

[nutmeg-applepie]

how much weight would i lose if i cut my fucking head off

[nutmeg-applepie]

“Just remember, in 20 seconds, the food will be gone. The taste will be over, and all that will be left is regret. Just like last time.”

[nutmeg-applepie]

was the chocolate really worth the regret, the screams in the head, the crying afterwards?

[nutmeg-applepie]

you must break the pattern today, or the loop will repeat tomorrow

[nutmeg-applepie]

such a dated observation but now that i'm back lurking on here let me just say, cassie has simultaneously ruined and saved my life and self-actualisation <3

[nutmeg-applepie]

My anorexic ass got so excited when this showed up on my fyp

I need to try it out

Link to og video: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbRvAhV/

[nutmeg-applepie]

dinner

i'm sorry i do this right in front of you. i know how the comparison feels. that's why i need to eat less than you. so i never have to feel that way again.

know that for once i genuinely felt too full. i hope you don't feel bad.

[nutmeg-applepie]

totally sane and customary shopping i definitely didn't have to use the automatic checkout for out of sheer embarrassment..!