nymph-bitch - Tumblr blog

[nymph-bitch]

"Are you ok?"

No

This entire fucking planet is run by

Genocidal Scam Artists in Overpriced Suits

[nymph-bitch]

Let's talk about black on black crime and Jeffrey Dahmer

trigger warnings for everything, just brace yourself if you're the type dude.

Black on black crime is pretty simple, right? Nearly every time a black man gets murdered, it's another black man. It's them in their neighborhoods, and that means it isn't anyone elses problem. It isn't a taxpayer issue, we don't need to look into what's happening and solve it. Black people are killing themselves, case dismissed.

If you read that far and don't see the problem with black on black crime, this probably isn't for you, but just in case, you should know that most of the time when a white person gets killed, it's another white person.

Most of the time when someone is killed, it is by somebody who they know. In their community.

And it's still someone dying.

It's a problem that needs solving.

Ok? Now hold that in your head, and let's move on to Dahmer.

We all know the story by now, right?

Serial rapist murderer, all around bad guy, also super gay.

Killed mostly gay colored people.

He had a total of 5 survivors;

Tracy Edwards, who got him arrested

Ronald Flowers, who was picked up in a parking lot, drugged, woke up in a hospital and filed a police report that went completely ignored.

Somsack Sinthasomphone was abused but not murdered, and actually got Dahmer arrested. He was sentenced to 8 years, and got 1.

Preston Davis, who is irrelevant for our purposes.

Billy Capshaw, who reported his MONTHS long abuse to officials and was ignored.

And then we have to talk about Konerak Sinthasomphone, yes, the brother of our dear Somsack. The kid in the movie who escaped, and was returned to Dahmer's house. Was murdered while Dahmer was still on probation for Somsack's murder.

(side bar, how crazy of a coincidence for both brothers to be gay and assaulted by the same effing person??? Why did I just censor myself???)

He was 14. He was a child. A drugged up child.

But they were gay, and gay shit is weird, I dunno, they're always doing those club drugs.

He was reported multiple times, even arrested. But at the end of the day? It was just gay shit, and they didn't really care.

So what's your fucking point

When black people are dying it's just nigga shit

When gay people are dying it's just gay shit

When junkies are dying, it's just junkie shit.

And like. I'm queer. I'm brown. I get that it's not EXACTLY the same thing.

However

human lives are at stake.

if you can write it off as "well that's just them and their problem and even though I have a clear opportunity to help improve things, I don't get involved"

I hate you.

I fucking hate you.

I fucking hate you so much.

Pardon my phrasing, but ALL LIVES MATTER.

Black lives matter

gay lives matter

junkie lives matter.

fuck.

[nymph-bitch]

Of course I tried to fix things

Why do I need people to agree with me that relationships aren't working out?

Why can't I just go?

[nymph-bitch]

That's Junkie Shit, We Don't Get Involved

I call him my partner.

I call him my partner in theory, we're engaged.

But I've been sleeping on the couch for at least a month. I'm good. I'm over it, I'm saving money

But it's easiest to refer to him as my partner.

And I, despite constantly forgetting to do anything to my profile, am a she/her in a straight cis relationship who calls him my partner. Because fiance? Gross, I'm not marrying him. Boyfriend? Still implies some kind of love or care. I just don't. Partner feels more neutral to me, it feels like something I can swallow.

My partner and I are both resellers. We go to thrift stores, flea markets, yard sales, etc. and find things to flip.

He mostly does videogames, and last night, he got an inquiry from someone. This is an approximation of the conversation.

Customer: Hey, can you tell me more about this item?

Partner: Has the case, includes manual, no scratches, good condition

Customer: I don't know what kind of operation you're running, but I have proof that you/Bowman have been stealing from me for years.

We do not know Bowman. We do no know any Bowman, and we make most of our purchases from thrift stores-they're donated. Nobody's stealing this guys stuff and donating it.

Now, before anybody gets mad about what I'm gonna say, I've been involved in some shit ok? I've worked in almost every strip club in my state. I've won fights with several addictions. I have very few friends, and all of them are addicts who go in and out of homelessness. I've spent days getting fucked up in trap houses and Observing the people, because I do the tiniest amount of drugs now. I just want a little boost, to be on a similar wavelength with the people around me. And I was. I loved those people so much and felt a deep connection to them and their problems. I understand why addicts act out. I understand the paranoia and the fear and the poverty and how awful it is to not be able to trust the people who you love, who you probably adopted as family at one point.

So to me, this looks like junkie shit. This looks like an addict being paranoid because he can't trust his friends.

And it's kinda funny, if I'm being honest, it's just a really odd out of nowhere situation.

And again, I'm thinking about specific situation that people who I care about. In my head, I'm laughing with people who understand what I've been through about this relatable situation.

That's some junkie shit

My partner sends the man an offer on the item, because it's funny.

And then he gets a reply

That's fine but I just want you to know I'm taking my life tonight. Bowman stole everything from me and now I have nothing

the last line is very assumed, because really all I heard before the panic set in was the suicide threat. Correct content. Incorrect phrasing.

My partner was still laughing when he read this out to me.

I got angry. Told him to not tell me about stuff like that if he's not going to do anything about it.

He got indignant and said oh I won't it would be crazy, never letting me finish, never apologizing, never asking any questions.

(hey, just fyi, I lost my virginity to a literal diagnosed psychopath who trained me to be codependent by threatening to kill himself and very damn nearly doing it several times, I do not take this lightly)

So I start looking up the website's policies on relinquishing customer information, and I'm gonna need to call the police to get the man's address to send someone out for a wellness check.

I do not take this lightly.

Me: If you're not going to do anything can I have that guys username so that I can do something

Him, full of disdain: I blocked him and deleted the conversation. What are you gonna do? That's junkie shit, we don't get involved.

I need a break

[nymph-bitch]

Honestly, I just needed a notepad and decided to share my bullshit with the 3 people who will read it.

idk triggers for religion and racism and child abuse. It's not a fun post don't come to me for fun ever.

Text blogging on tumblr, I'm out of culture, it is what it is.

This is gonna sound... like the ramblings of someone suffering from psychosis. Maybe.

I don't think I'm suffering from psychosis. But I'm going to DIARY out to the internet. Because I'm basically doing it every day in comment sections with my real name, and that seems way more risky.

I'm also cutting out friends left and right and I need to. Get this down. Get this out. Think about it. Talk about it. Express myself.

It's a little stream of consciousness. It's a little unconnected. I want to think as hard as I want to think about a subject and no more.

This is all to say, you can judge me if you'd like, but keep your demeaning holier than thou opinions to yourself, I do not care about them

I did a tarot reading today, and that's where I really want to focus my attentions. This is something I'm TRYING to do regularly, kind of as a therapeutic technique. I'm not great at Tarot, it's a lot of looking things up for me and making interpretations I'm sure no one else would. But as something thats a little validating and helps me get unstuck for the day? I'm pretty good at it.

I do a 4 card pull;

the present situation: the star - hope, faith, purpose renewal spirituality

past influences: The hierophant - Spiritual wisdom, religious beliefs, conformity, tradition, institutions

take into consideration:  The Empress- Femininity, beauty, nature, nurturing, abundance

possible futures: Temperance - balance, moderation, patience, purpose

This pull just feels like my fucking life honestly. It's funny that this is when I decided to start recording, and to share, because this pull begins at the beginning and ends in the place I want to be.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian family. The kind of people who hate the gays and think black people come from the Biblical tribes of Ham, and therefore are cursed by God and deserving of their punishments. Women are to be obedient to their husbands and wear skirts, and if they hadn't insisted on having autonomy and entering the workforce, the economy never would have crashed. Muslims are literal nazis. Children are to be seen and not heard and that (and this was explicitly told to me, yes) the point of having children is to have people to help with chores, so that the mother doesn't have to work.

Hey, how old were you when you realized that your white grandma treated you like a slave while your cousins played outside?

Hey how old were you when you realized you were a live in nanny for your aunt and they gave someone else credit for teaching her kid to walk?

Hey how old were you when your aunt told you you deserved to be enslaved because your family was cursed?

Hey how old were you when your mother yelled at you for calling your family members racist?

Hey how old were you when your cousin texted you threatening to beat you up because you hugged his mother and told you you loved her before leaving when she wouldn't shut the fuck up about how that murdered black kid deserved it?

So mixed kid rant there.

ANYWAY today, in the present situation, I'm becoming something new. I'm renewing. I'm figuring out who I am outside of the bigoted religious traditions of my mothers, and exactly how MUCH of who I am is a side effect of the beliefs they passed on.

I like that it asks me to question the Empress. She's a bunch of traditional gender roles, right? Traditional Christian conformity tradition white patriarchy bullshit, or at least she could be. It's interesting that it's SPECIFICALLY this beacon of femininity, because that was heavily plowed into me and I never gave a shit. I outright rejected feminity, because it was CLEARLY the inferior position in the world, and the things that WOMEN did were very obviously undesirable.

I started doing my makeup recently, but I use it to paint my face instead of to look pretty. And now I like it.

There's all this femininity and blackness that I completely turned my back on, because my shitty family wanted to me to suppress them. And I submitted.

But I like taking care of people. I like being pretty. I like being black, even if other black people hate me as much as everyone else. And I like the things about me that my family stifled because they associated it with blackness.

It feels good. It feels like I'm embracing these things I've always been ashamed of. It feels like I'm completely alone in the universe, but it always felt like that. Having people around doesn't make you not alone.

It's also interesting because I'm autistic. I am not good at traditional female roles like caretaking or empathy. That's not to say I don't care, I do, deeply, but my expressions of care often go... misinterpreted. or unwanted. Who's to say. It also really doesn't encourage people in black communities, who really don't seem to understand how I am both so smart and so stupid, to get to know me.

It's also funny to pull temperance, which is just a deeply religious sentiment in my mind. And a deeply feminine one.

Temperance is the movement we had, pushed by Christian women, to ban alcohol. The Temperance movement. As a future, it's kind of ironic. It seems like the meaning is about more of a balance. Being spiritual in nature is so fitting.

In the past, I was traumatized by religion. The people meant to teach me spirituality and how to grow and develop did everything they could to stunt me and deter me from becoming who I am.

I'm a lonely asshole right now, because I'm willing to make mistakes for the first time and discover who I am and what I'm about. I'm yelling at people who I used to not know I hated. I'm realizing just exactly how low of a bar I have for what I consider love, and how little (and somehow at the same time MUCH) I expect from people. I need to consider femininity and what of it applies to me and what parts of it I CAN and WANT TO bring with me into the future and these friendships. How much I want to nurture them to my own detriment. How much I want to manage peoples emotions and keep the peace and to exactly what extent it is worth it to me to sit still and look pretty. Stop trying to be this perfect kind calm patient graceful size 6 icon with The Good Hair.

I need to find the balance. The balance between an African Queen and an English Lunatic.

I kinda like that.

And the Star, let's talk about the star, a naked grounded woman with lots of know how. She's vulnerable, but she has everything she needs inside of her.

Like yeah hello hi I've been cultivating my spirituality thank you for noticing.

Let's figure out what we need from the hierophants and move forward to find some balance. But we gotta move forward.

Like I get so triggered so hard by racism for the same reason I'm sure a lot of gay people get triggered by homophobia. And that's not something I think a lot of people can say.

I left my family because of racism. I had a panic attack because of racism last time I went to visit my mother. I drove 6 hours to see her. Stayed the night. And then had to leave the next MORNING.

There were people wearing trump hats in her home who wouldn't stop talking to me, and when I asked them to leave me alone, they threw a temper tantrum.

So I had an autistic melt down.

My mother said she must have never made me feel like I belonged. I said yeah she didnt. She said I just want to make sure you're ok

Later that night she sent me tons of video messages screaming at me for calling her Jo Bro boyfriend racist and telling me that I don't love her and I never even wanted to be a part of this family.

And I was like you know what

you're fucking right

thanks for pointing that out

because you assholes have abused and terrified me into stifling my own emotions until I'm having meltdowns constantly and the only way I know how to cope is by finding a new shitty white supremacist man to save me, because thats what I was taught.

Obviously I said none of that, but she was fucking right. They didn't want me if I wasn't like them, and I don't like them.

I am culturally completely unaligned with who I am, not only because of a color issue, but because I grew up in a weird racist family that believes insane and mean stuff that I hate.

It takes a lot of time to unlearn insane and mean stuff that you hate.

I saw a video on tiktok by Vanna.moo yesterday and I think the last time I melted down so hard was the last time I saw my mom that wasn't her showing up uninvited to my home after I blocked her number and never told her my new address

Am I unhinged? Yes, I think so. I think the way I think is so different that people will think I'm crazy, and that's cool. I'd rather be crazy than go back.