#YOU get me therapy

[narwhalsarefalling]

my (cis) brother is using my old license to buy wine and it has the gender marker F on there. so whenever he gets asked he just says “oh i’m trans”. its literally worked every single time.

[inkskinned]

what is with men being mad any time a woman raises her voice where did that even come from. someone posted a video of a small electrical explosion, and the top comment was of course the woman screams. the second comment is women try not to scream challenge, level impossible. i had to go back and watch the video again. there is, somewhat fainty, a little gasp emitted off-camera, more of a yelp than a scream. it is mostly lost in the crack of the explosion. afterwards, you hear her voice, shaken, say, are you okay?

i am helping one of my friends train her voice pitch lower, because she wants to be taken seriously at work. she and i do each other's nails and talk about gender roles; and how - due to our appearance - neither of us have ever been able to be "hysterical" in public. we both appear young and sweet and feminine. she is cisgender, and cannot use her natural voice in her profession because people keep saying she appears to be "vapid". we both try to figure out if our purposeful voice lowering is technically sexist. is it promoting something when you are a victim to it?

a storm almost sends a pole through a car window. in the dashcam, you can hear the woman passenger say her partner's name twice, crying out in alarm. she sounds terrified. in the comments, she is lambasted for her lack of calm. how is that even fucking helping?

in high school, i taught myself to have a lower voice. i had been recorded when i was genuinely (and righteously) upset; and i hated how my voice sounded on the phone speakers when it was played back. i was defending my mom, and my voice cracked with emotion. it meant i was no longer winning the argument: i was just shrieking about it.

girls meet each other after a long summer and let out a little joyful scream. this usually stops around 12-14, because people will not tolerate this display of affection (as it has the effect of being passingly annoying). something about the fact that little girls can't ever even be annoying. we are trained to examine each part of our lives (even joy) for anything that could make us upsetting and disgusting. they act like teenage girls are breaking into houses and shrieking you awake at 3 in the morning. speaking as a public school educator: trust me, it's not that bad, you can just roll your eyes and move on. it does not compare to the ways boys end up being annoying: slurs in graffiti, purposefully mocking your body, following you after you said no. you know, just boy things.

there's another video of a man who is not allowed to yell in the house, so he snaps his fingers when he's excited about soccer. the comments are full of angry men, talking about how their brother is unfairly caged. let him express himself and this is terrible to do to someone. eventually the couple has to address it in a second video: they are married with a newborn baby. he was trying not to wake the infant up. there is no comment on the fact women are not allowed to yell indoors. or the fact that it could have been really alarming or triggering for his wife. sometimes i wonder if straight men even like women, if they even enjoy being in relationships with them.

for the longest time, i hated roller coasters because it always felt inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to scream. one of my friends called me on it, said it was unusual i'm so unwilling. i had to go to my therapist about it. i don't like to scream because i was not raised in a safe situation, and raising my voice would have brought unsafe attention towards me. even when i am supposed to scream, it feels shameful, guilty. i was not treated kindly, so i lack a basic form of self-protection. this is not a natural response. it is not good that in a situation of high adrenaline - i shut up about it.

something very bad is happening, i think. in between all the beauty standards and the stuff i've already discussed - this one feels new and cruel in a way i can't quite express. yes, it's scary and silencing. but there's something about how direct it is - that so many men agree with the sentiment that women should never yell, even in an emergency - it feels different.

is the word shriek gendered automatically? how about shrill or screech? in self defense class, one of the first things they tell you is to yell, as loud and as shrilly as you can. they say it will feel rude. most women will not do this. you need to practice overcoming the social pressure and just scream.

most women do not cry out, even when it's bad. we do not report it. we walk faster. we do not make a scene. what would be the point of doing anything else? no matter what we do, we don't get taken seriously. it is a joke to them. an instagram caption punchline. we have to present ourselves as silent, beautiful, captivating - "valuable."

a woman is outside watching her kids when someone throws a firecracker at them. she screams and runs towards her children. in the comments, grown men flock together in the thousands: god. women are so annoying.

[nymph-bitch]

Honestly, I just needed a notepad and decided to share my bullshit with the 3 people who will read it.

idk triggers for religion and racism and child abuse. It's not a fun post don't come to me for fun ever.

Text blogging on tumblr, I'm out of culture, it is what it is.

This is gonna sound... like the ramblings of someone suffering from psychosis. Maybe.

I don't think I'm suffering from psychosis. But I'm going to DIARY out to the internet. Because I'm basically doing it every day in comment sections with my real name, and that seems way more risky.

I'm also cutting out friends left and right and I need to. Get this down. Get this out. Think about it. Talk about it. Express myself.

It's a little stream of consciousness. It's a little unconnected. I want to think as hard as I want to think about a subject and no more.

This is all to say, you can judge me if you'd like, but keep your demeaning holier than thou opinions to yourself, I do not care about them

I did a tarot reading today, and that's where I really want to focus my attentions. This is something I'm TRYING to do regularly, kind of as a therapeutic technique. I'm not great at Tarot, it's a lot of looking things up for me and making interpretations I'm sure no one else would. But as something thats a little validating and helps me get unstuck for the day? I'm pretty good at it.

I do a 4 card pull;

the present situation: the star - hope, faith, purpose renewal spirituality

past influences: The hierophant - Spiritual wisdom, religious beliefs, conformity, tradition, institutions

take into consideration:  The Empress- Femininity, beauty, nature, nurturing, abundance

possible futures: Temperance - balance, moderation, patience, purpose

This pull just feels like my fucking life honestly. It's funny that this is when I decided to start recording, and to share, because this pull begins at the beginning and ends in the place I want to be.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian family. The kind of people who hate the gays and think black people come from the Biblical tribes of Ham, and therefore are cursed by God and deserving of their punishments. Women are to be obedient to their husbands and wear skirts, and if they hadn't insisted on having autonomy and entering the workforce, the economy never would have crashed. Muslims are literal nazis. Children are to be seen and not heard and that (and this was explicitly told to me, yes) the point of having children is to have people to help with chores, so that the mother doesn't have to work.

Hey, how old were you when you realized that your white grandma treated you like a slave while your cousins played outside?

Hey how old were you when you realized you were a live in nanny for your aunt and they gave someone else credit for teaching her kid to walk?

Hey how old were you when your aunt told you you deserved to be enslaved because your family was cursed?

Hey how old were you when your mother yelled at you for calling your family members racist?

Hey how old were you when your cousin texted you threatening to beat you up because you hugged his mother and told you you loved her before leaving when she wouldn't shut the fuck up about how that murdered black kid deserved it?

So mixed kid rant there.

ANYWAY today, in the present situation, I'm becoming something new. I'm renewing. I'm figuring out who I am outside of the bigoted religious traditions of my mothers, and exactly how MUCH of who I am is a side effect of the beliefs they passed on.

I like that it asks me to question the Empress. She's a bunch of traditional gender roles, right? Traditional Christian conformity tradition white patriarchy bullshit, or at least she could be. It's interesting that it's SPECIFICALLY this beacon of femininity, because that was heavily plowed into me and I never gave a shit. I outright rejected feminity, because it was CLEARLY the inferior position in the world, and the things that WOMEN did were very obviously undesirable.

I started doing my makeup recently, but I use it to paint my face instead of to look pretty. And now I like it.

There's all this femininity and blackness that I completely turned my back on, because my shitty family wanted to me to suppress them. And I submitted.

But I like taking care of people. I like being pretty. I like being black, even if other black people hate me as much as everyone else. And I like the things about me that my family stifled because they associated it with blackness.

It feels good. It feels like I'm embracing these things I've always been ashamed of. It feels like I'm completely alone in the universe, but it always felt like that. Having people around doesn't make you not alone.

It's also interesting because I'm autistic. I am not good at traditional female roles like caretaking or empathy. That's not to say I don't care, I do, deeply, but my expressions of care often go... misinterpreted. or unwanted. Who's to say. It also really doesn't encourage people in black communities, who really don't seem to understand how I am both so smart and so stupid, to get to know me.

It's also funny to pull temperance, which is just a deeply religious sentiment in my mind. And a deeply feminine one.

Temperance is the movement we had, pushed by Christian women, to ban alcohol. The Temperance movement. As a future, it's kind of ironic. It seems like the meaning is about more of a balance. Being spiritual in nature is so fitting.

In the past, I was traumatized by religion. The people meant to teach me spirituality and how to grow and develop did everything they could to stunt me and deter me from becoming who I am.

I'm a lonely asshole right now, because I'm willing to make mistakes for the first time and discover who I am and what I'm about. I'm yelling at people who I used to not know I hated. I'm realizing just exactly how low of a bar I have for what I consider love, and how little (and somehow at the same time MUCH) I expect from people. I need to consider femininity and what of it applies to me and what parts of it I CAN and WANT TO bring with me into the future and these friendships. How much I want to nurture them to my own detriment. How much I want to manage peoples emotions and keep the peace and to exactly what extent it is worth it to me to sit still and look pretty. Stop trying to be this perfect kind calm patient graceful size 6 icon with The Good Hair.

I need to find the balance. The balance between an African Queen and an English Lunatic.

I kinda like that.

And the Star, let's talk about the star, a naked grounded woman with lots of know how. She's vulnerable, but she has everything she needs inside of her.

Like yeah hello hi I've been cultivating my spirituality thank you for noticing.

Let's figure out what we need from the hierophants and move forward to find some balance. But we gotta move forward.

Like I get so triggered so hard by racism for the same reason I'm sure a lot of gay people get triggered by homophobia. And that's not something I think a lot of people can say.

I left my family because of racism. I had a panic attack because of racism last time I went to visit my mother. I drove 6 hours to see her. Stayed the night. And then had to leave the next MORNING.

There were people wearing trump hats in her home who wouldn't stop talking to me, and when I asked them to leave me alone, they threw a temper tantrum.

So I had an autistic melt down.

My mother said she must have never made me feel like I belonged. I said yeah she didnt. She said I just want to make sure you're ok

Later that night she sent me tons of video messages screaming at me for calling her Jo Bro boyfriend racist and telling me that I don't love her and I never even wanted to be a part of this family.

And I was like you know what

you're fucking right

thanks for pointing that out

because you assholes have abused and terrified me into stifling my own emotions until I'm having meltdowns constantly and the only way I know how to cope is by finding a new shitty white supremacist man to save me, because thats what I was taught.

Obviously I said none of that, but she was fucking right. They didn't want me if I wasn't like them, and I don't like them.

I am culturally completely unaligned with who I am, not only because of a color issue, but because I grew up in a weird racist family that believes insane and mean stuff that I hate.

It takes a lot of time to unlearn insane and mean stuff that you hate.

I saw a video on tiktok by Vanna.moo yesterday and I think the last time I melted down so hard was the last time I saw my mom that wasn't her showing up uninvited to my home after I blocked her number and never told her my new address

Am I unhinged? Yes, I think so. I think the way I think is so different that people will think I'm crazy, and that's cool. I'd rather be crazy than go back.

[bacchuschucklefuck]

soon it'll be dawn again

transcript under the cut ⏬

page 01

Fig: no way? - you're still up?

Riz: Wh– yes?

Riz: Why'd I not be.

page 02

Fig: I me~~ean - that took.

Fig: whole day.

Riz: Yeah?

Fig: 'm beat.

Riz: you should sleep.

page 03

Fig: nah. my guy's still up

Fig: I wanna hang out.

page 04

Riz: That's really nice.

Fig: Hah! - Nobody ever expects an Archdevil rockstar to be nice.

Riz: … yeah. - 's just budget work tho. (the stuff I'm working on) - I've heard it's boring.

page 05

Fig: yeah, but you do it…

Riz: It keeps things going, right? - Nothing happens if nobody sits down and - does the thing.

Fig: That's right… - though. Yeah.

page 06

Fig: sometimes it's someone else who - doesn't want the same thing to happen.

Riz: … - mm.

page 07

Riz (off screen): …It took me a long time to get that not everyone likes doing what I do. - 's probably because you guys are so nice– - or. - kind.

Riz (off screen): to anyone too, not just. - the people you /love/.

page 08

Riz: that's not how it is elsewhere. - The world's– not. hostile. - but 's not like it's kind.

Riz: So I'm doing as much as I can now… 

page 09

Fig: Hey.

Riz: ?

Fig: Go dig some dirt with me.

page 10

Riz: [blank speech bubble] - oh you meant like - actual dirt. (not incriminating information)

Fig: o yea.

Fig: there's clay in the backyard soil. - sometimes when I'm sun deficient or something I go touch dirt for a bit.

page 11

Fig: here u go

page 12

Riz: uh

Fig: now we make a thing! - 'm pretty good at freehanding a bowl.

Fig: I'll show u

page 13

Fig: just– yep, flatten that out as evenly as u can, then–! - actually ur nails'd be so good at cutting out the strip. [larger than usual space] wait. - wait. wait u can carve patterns with them! we HAVE to try

Riz: uh - What. do I carve?

Fig: anything!!!

page 14

Fig: and– yep just seal the inside uh. seam?

Fig: yep that works - okay time's up! all contestant hands up

Riz: [blank speech bubble] - okay - wh. what's next?

Fig: haha - watch this.

(sound effect text): FWOO—MP

page 15

Riz: WH– DON'T JUST DO THAT???

Fig: Now it's fired!

Riz: THAT WAS NOT SAFE

Fig: (actually it's just dry. if u add water rn it'll dissolve)

Fig: ok catch!

Riz: [blank speech bubble] - careful!!

Fig: dw no need haha

page 16

Riz (thought bubble): oh - it's warm…

Fig: now I want you to throw this.

page 17

Fig: u gotta do it - c'mon

page 18

Riz: wh– - It's like 3AM right now

Fig: oh it's not /fired/ fired it's not gonna make a loud noise

Riz: And then just? leave a pile out here?

Fig: pour water over it & it'll be gone I told u

Riz: but

page 19

Fig (off screen): RIz.

page 20

Fig: I've done all this before.

Fig: Can you trust that at least?

page 21

Riz: no, I– - I do. - I trust you.

page 23

Riz: okay what happens now

(sound effect text): glob

page 24

Fig: we do it again!

page 25

Riz: wh. [larger than usual space] What do you mean. (this clay's too wet also)

Fig: see! you're already learning

Fig: [blank speech bubble] - there are flows that are futile to fight. - The world changes.

Fig: Things change.

page 26

Fig: I've learned my lessons with "forevers". - But - as an artist

Fig: I can give you one thing: - You can always do it again.

page 27

Fig: most of everything depends on the rest of the world, - but this. - making new. - that's yours as long as you want it.

page 28

Fig: So?

page 29

Riz: Yeah. - Yeah! - let's make another one.

[lygma-nygma]

Being a batfam fan is funny because people will make a post like “here’s my headcanon-“ and it’s just something that’s directly canon to the story then post about major canon events and get everything wrong.

[ohpsshaw]

[I need you to go look up "ICICLE WORKS - I STILL WANT YOU" and start blaring that as loud as you can right now.]

So. Typhus and I have failed in our mission to get him into everyone's bedrolls. Turns out that traumatized vampire got hands. We didn't have the heart to break up with Astarion, and I think we're DnD married now. Please keep us in your prayers.

[thedisablednaturalist]

I think when people think of mental illness and what helps, especially with things like anxiety and depression, the treatment involves pushing yourself. Pushing yourself to get out of bed, to exercise, to take a shower, to go out in public, to order your own food from the cashier, etc.

And because the mental health movement has grown so much, people think that's the default of ALL illnesses. That the only way someone will get better is if they push themselves. That practice makes perfect. That you'll become more comfortable or strong over time the more you do something.

But what people need to realize is, with physical disabilities and chronic illnesses, pushing yourself in most cases is DETRIMENTAL. Pushing yourself past your limits can lead to flare ups or further injury. That's why it's important to know your limits, how certain activities may affect your condition, and learn how to either adapt or get help to complete the activity in question.

Also, most of us are already pushing ourselves. Most of us don't have access to the help or equipment we need. Most of us live in places where we frequently encounter inaccessible obstacles. Most of us NEED to rest.

So please don't try to be our physical therapists or doctors. There are people specifically trained to help us navigate our own conditions and limitations. There are people trained to help us strengthen our body's resilience without causing flare-ups or injury. Do not tell us "it'll be good for you" or "you need the exercise" when we say something is too heavy or too far or when we say we need our mobility aid(s). Your friend with depression may need to be encouraged to get out of bed, but your friend with chronic illness definitely doesn't.

Respect our rest.

[mueritos]

happy pride to all queer children of immigrants

patreon

[artashipatrick]

thinking of josh’s “i think they should all find a way of living together” today. he would love post challengers domestic throuple fanfiction

[irenespring]

Really I think nothing shouts "my first Presidential election as a politically active person was 2016" more than the fact that when I feel hope and excitement for the future (possible President Harris) for more than five minutes I immediately get a crushing, all-consuming anxiety of "feeling this positive emotion now is going to make it so much worse when the worst thing possible happens" to the extent that I'll probably need my break-glass-in-case-of-emergency anxiety medication.

[inkskinned]

there's a video on instagram of a man kicking his partner's door in. the top comment is (with over 4 thousand likes): "how about you tell us what you did to make him that angry?"

barring emergency, nobody should be kicking anybody's door in. many of us lived in houses where it was always, somehow, an emergency. there is a strange, almost hysterical calm that comes over you in that moment - everything feels muted, and you almost feel, however incongruently, like you should be laughing. you are living inside of "the emergency." oh my god, you think. i am now a fucking statistic.

there is another comment with 2.8 thousand likes: "if this was a woman doing it to a man, nobody would give a shit."

do people give a shit now, though?

barring emergency, the door should remain standing. the emergency should be panicked, desperate - "i'm coming in there to protect you." many of us know what it feels like when the emergency is instead "i'm coming in there to get you."

1.5k likes: "and yet you post this for notes. glad to see being the victim has become your whole personality."

hysteria is a word connected to womb, from greek. what you're experiencing is so senseless and inhumane that you (a rational creature) try to find any ground within what is irrational and cannot be explained. one of the most frustrating things about staying in bad situations is that we also lie to ourselves. we also ask ourselves - wow. what did i do?

women can be, and often are, also abusers. abuse is not gendered. abuse is not just a "straight person" problem. abuse does not have a face or figure or sexuality. you cannot pick an abuser out of a crowd. an abuser could be actually anybody.

and then so many people rally behind the man kicking the door in. here is something nobody should be doing, right? you want to ask every person that liked that first comment: do you ask this because you side with him? do you ask this because it helps you feel safe from this ever happening?

in some ways, you're weirdly sympathetic to the top comment, because it is the same logic you see frequently. the idea is that the average, normal, sane person doesn't just break down a door. doesn't just shoot up a school. doesn't stalk and kill women. doesn't threaten sexual assault. doesn't run over protesters. doesn't shoot an unarmed black person. doesn't scream at underpaid walmart employees. doesn't just "lose it". something had to have happened, right? because the default (white. straight. cis.) - that is someone who is always, you know. "sane."

(right?)

on a podcast, you hear a sane, normal, rational person. "if you piss me off, i'm going to need to hit something. sorry but i'm not apologizing. that's just who i am that's how it is." his voice almost sounds like he's laughing.

you think of the door, and how you were almost laughing behind it, too. ironically, every real emergency in your life has almost felt peaceful in comparison. fire, car accident, flash flooding - these felt quiet, covenant to you. you'd stood in all of them, feeling them pass over and up to your chin, never actually overwhelming.

but when the door was coming down, you had felt - is there a word for that? there has to be, a word, right.

surely one of us has figured out the word for that, i mean. it's such a large fucking statistic.

[puppetmaster13u]

Howdy @hdgnj & @radiance1 would it be alright if hypothetically a new thread was started? I'm starting to feel bad for the people trying to get through the pages of text on our blogs lol. HDNJ Reblog | RADIANCE Reblog

[I also understand if you would prefer just continuing from the initial thread]

So no matter what happens, it's pretty much agreed upon that the two need help. Along with the fact that they really can't just be left to wander, no matter how well they were doing.

(Bruce is having flashbacks to walking into Tim's stalker-shrine room when they look through the toddler's notebook) Because like, Match was pretty much live. A lot of people saw him, and a lot more will continue, so it's not even close to being safe. For all they knew? Cadmus might've thought they had died since they were already deemed failures. But now everyone in the knows not only is at least one alive, but nearly fought Superman to a standstill.

Probably could've if not for the fact that they're a half-starved teen- though the half-feral part probably helped with the can't predict what the Duck attack is going to be next.

(I wanna add more but if idk which to do if we go to the thread lol) (Also hi if ur just finding this, idk if it'll go anywhere but welcome to Radiance's prompt of tiny SuperWonder clone Danny)

[captainkirkk]

I love reading kid fics but I can't turn off my speechie brain when I'm reading them and it's obvious the writer isn't familar with developmental norms. What do you MEAN this 4 year old is only babbling or pointing to request but everyone says he's "doing wonderfully"???? I'M STRESSED OUT

[gomzdrawfr]

[content warning: angst, MCD]

🛏️

this is a redraw of my comic from here

[ew-selfish-art]

Dpxdc Au - Tim and Danny are Twins, have been through all the introductions and after a few years decide to have The Audacity. 

At some point it hits the two of them, that they really do act alike sometimes. Like, mannerisms and small detail micro expressions, the whole nine, so Danny and Tim decide to take advantage of this.

Parent trap style swapping but all within the same household, they cut their hair and swap clothes, and get in a few practice runs around the halls of Wayne Manor. No one in the family catches them through at least 3 family dinners, so they go for the larger gambit. 

Tim wants to go to high school for a bit and get back into skate boarding with low stakes- Thats what he tells Danny at least, he really wants to spend the time dismantling the GIW from the epicenter in Amity Park. It works out that Tim accomplishes this in record time (explosives didn’t require ethics in his opinion) and does actually get to enjoy his hobbies again for a bit. 

Danny wants to tell off the WE board members and get some proper Red Robin training so he’s not so dependent on his powers when facing human enemies (they were squishier than ghosts, restraint was key)- That’s what he tells Tim when the reality is he’s going to lead a hostile takeover of DalvCo. and well, yeah, actually get some training in. 

No one catches on except for Kon. 

After they’ve swapped back and their missions are debriefed, Tim asks him why he never fell for it? Simply put: “Uh, dude. Your twin doesn’t have a heartbeat half the time, it was pretty easy to tell.” 

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

*tries to organize my thoughts*

*remembers i'm not in school and therefore beholden to neither heaven nor hell nor any man's grading system*

*joyously shredding & tossing all my carefully arranged 3x5 mental notecards into the air like so much beige confetti. raising my arms in victory, cheering raucously until i accidentally inhale bits of homemade confetti*

(*coughing up itty bits of paper like a cat evicting a hairball with a firm understanding of tenants' rights*) wait wat happens next