#mixedproblems

[nymph-bitch]

Honestly, I just needed a notepad and decided to share my bullshit with the 3 people who will read it.

idk triggers for religion and racism and child abuse. It's not a fun post don't come to me for fun ever.

Text blogging on tumblr, I'm out of culture, it is what it is.

This is gonna sound... like the ramblings of someone suffering from psychosis. Maybe.

I don't think I'm suffering from psychosis. But I'm going to DIARY out to the internet. Because I'm basically doing it every day in comment sections with my real name, and that seems way more risky.

I'm also cutting out friends left and right and I need to. Get this down. Get this out. Think about it. Talk about it. Express myself.

It's a little stream of consciousness. It's a little unconnected. I want to think as hard as I want to think about a subject and no more.

This is all to say, you can judge me if you'd like, but keep your demeaning holier than thou opinions to yourself, I do not care about them

I did a tarot reading today, and that's where I really want to focus my attentions. This is something I'm TRYING to do regularly, kind of as a therapeutic technique. I'm not great at Tarot, it's a lot of looking things up for me and making interpretations I'm sure no one else would. But as something thats a little validating and helps me get unstuck for the day? I'm pretty good at it.

I do a 4 card pull;

the present situation: the star - hope, faith, purpose renewal spirituality

past influences: The hierophant - Spiritual wisdom, religious beliefs, conformity, tradition, institutions

take into consideration:  The Empress- Femininity, beauty, nature, nurturing, abundance

possible futures: Temperance - balance, moderation, patience, purpose

This pull just feels like my fucking life honestly. It's funny that this is when I decided to start recording, and to share, because this pull begins at the beginning and ends in the place I want to be.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian family. The kind of people who hate the gays and think black people come from the Biblical tribes of Ham, and therefore are cursed by God and deserving of their punishments. Women are to be obedient to their husbands and wear skirts, and if they hadn't insisted on having autonomy and entering the workforce, the economy never would have crashed. Muslims are literal nazis. Children are to be seen and not heard and that (and this was explicitly told to me, yes) the point of having children is to have people to help with chores, so that the mother doesn't have to work.

Hey, how old were you when you realized that your white grandma treated you like a slave while your cousins played outside?

Hey how old were you when you realized you were a live in nanny for your aunt and they gave someone else credit for teaching her kid to walk?

Hey how old were you when your aunt told you you deserved to be enslaved because your family was cursed?

Hey how old were you when your mother yelled at you for calling your family members racist?

Hey how old were you when your cousin texted you threatening to beat you up because you hugged his mother and told you you loved her before leaving when she wouldn't shut the fuck up about how that murdered black kid deserved it?

So mixed kid rant there.

ANYWAY today, in the present situation, I'm becoming something new. I'm renewing. I'm figuring out who I am outside of the bigoted religious traditions of my mothers, and exactly how MUCH of who I am is a side effect of the beliefs they passed on.

I like that it asks me to question the Empress. She's a bunch of traditional gender roles, right? Traditional Christian conformity tradition white patriarchy bullshit, or at least she could be. It's interesting that it's SPECIFICALLY this beacon of femininity, because that was heavily plowed into me and I never gave a shit. I outright rejected feminity, because it was CLEARLY the inferior position in the world, and the things that WOMEN did were very obviously undesirable.

I started doing my makeup recently, but I use it to paint my face instead of to look pretty. And now I like it.

There's all this femininity and blackness that I completely turned my back on, because my shitty family wanted to me to suppress them. And I submitted.

But I like taking care of people. I like being pretty. I like being black, even if other black people hate me as much as everyone else. And I like the things about me that my family stifled because they associated it with blackness.

It feels good. It feels like I'm embracing these things I've always been ashamed of. It feels like I'm completely alone in the universe, but it always felt like that. Having people around doesn't make you not alone.

It's also interesting because I'm autistic. I am not good at traditional female roles like caretaking or empathy. That's not to say I don't care, I do, deeply, but my expressions of care often go... misinterpreted. or unwanted. Who's to say. It also really doesn't encourage people in black communities, who really don't seem to understand how I am both so smart and so stupid, to get to know me.

It's also funny to pull temperance, which is just a deeply religious sentiment in my mind. And a deeply feminine one.

Temperance is the movement we had, pushed by Christian women, to ban alcohol. The Temperance movement. As a future, it's kind of ironic. It seems like the meaning is about more of a balance. Being spiritual in nature is so fitting.

In the past, I was traumatized by religion. The people meant to teach me spirituality and how to grow and develop did everything they could to stunt me and deter me from becoming who I am.

I'm a lonely asshole right now, because I'm willing to make mistakes for the first time and discover who I am and what I'm about. I'm yelling at people who I used to not know I hated. I'm realizing just exactly how low of a bar I have for what I consider love, and how little (and somehow at the same time MUCH) I expect from people. I need to consider femininity and what of it applies to me and what parts of it I CAN and WANT TO bring with me into the future and these friendships. How much I want to nurture them to my own detriment. How much I want to manage peoples emotions and keep the peace and to exactly what extent it is worth it to me to sit still and look pretty. Stop trying to be this perfect kind calm patient graceful size 6 icon with The Good Hair.

I need to find the balance. The balance between an African Queen and an English Lunatic.

I kinda like that.

And the Star, let's talk about the star, a naked grounded woman with lots of know how. She's vulnerable, but she has everything she needs inside of her.

Like yeah hello hi I've been cultivating my spirituality thank you for noticing.

Let's figure out what we need from the hierophants and move forward to find some balance. But we gotta move forward.

Like I get so triggered so hard by racism for the same reason I'm sure a lot of gay people get triggered by homophobia. And that's not something I think a lot of people can say.

I left my family because of racism. I had a panic attack because of racism last time I went to visit my mother. I drove 6 hours to see her. Stayed the night. And then had to leave the next MORNING.

There were people wearing trump hats in her home who wouldn't stop talking to me, and when I asked them to leave me alone, they threw a temper tantrum.

So I had an autistic melt down.

My mother said she must have never made me feel like I belonged. I said yeah she didnt. She said I just want to make sure you're ok

Later that night she sent me tons of video messages screaming at me for calling her Jo Bro boyfriend racist and telling me that I don't love her and I never even wanted to be a part of this family.

And I was like you know what

you're fucking right

thanks for pointing that out

because you assholes have abused and terrified me into stifling my own emotions until I'm having meltdowns constantly and the only way I know how to cope is by finding a new shitty white supremacist man to save me, because thats what I was taught.

Obviously I said none of that, but she was fucking right. They didn't want me if I wasn't like them, and I don't like them.

I am culturally completely unaligned with who I am, not only because of a color issue, but because I grew up in a weird racist family that believes insane and mean stuff that I hate.

It takes a lot of time to unlearn insane and mean stuff that you hate.

I saw a video on tiktok by Vanna.moo yesterday and I think the last time I melted down so hard was the last time I saw my mom that wasn't her showing up uninvited to my home after I blocked her number and never told her my new address

Am I unhinged? Yes, I think so. I think the way I think is so different that people will think I'm crazy, and that's cool. I'd rather be crazy than go back.

[mixedmagick]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Miss Olivia (@olliemunster)

[alphabetsoupcomics]

Good luck finding me dear clones, I’m mixed

“on average there are 7 people who look just like you” wtf……. those blessed souls………….. have fun bein cute 

[metissagesanguemisto]

The problem is not the problem. The problem is the incredible amount of over-thinking you’re doing with the problem. . . . #problem #problemsolving #mixedproblems #laughatlife #metissagesanguemisto #mixedlife #globalmixedpeople https://www.instagram.com/p/CSyqviXiz_A/?utm_medium=tumblr

[mixdgrlproblems]

a quote from half #Filipino actor Bob Morley from the CW's "The 100" 💬 #mixedboys #mixedproblems #mixedrace

[warriorsouljah-blog]

Fresh cut have you feeling like a million bucks. Need to find a durag to get some waves or everyone gonna think I'm from here 😂 #MixedProblems #AllAmerican #BeardGang #WuTang #Wakanda #WaveGang #LetMeBackIn 😂 (at Corniche Jeddah, Saudi Arabia) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvmK6z2nvCY/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=qnncztq85ln5

[honey-track]

I feel this, freshman year a guy turned to me in my geometry class and knowing i was mixed said "you seem part mexican, you are right?" And i said yes cuz like i am and he gave me and then two of his friends a weird lil nod and went "i knew i was right" like it was some weird little trivia game. Made me super uncomfortable and gave me more insecurity issues when it comes to being multiracial. Would have much rather he ask what ethnicities i was and then kept his excitement of "having guessed right" to himself.

I know a lot of mixed race people find it annoying when a white person asks them what ethnicity they are but I prefer them to ask than the play the guessing game. It’s fucking annoying.

[cadma]

#tuesday is a #goodreason to #rock #blacklipstick but my #pinklips don't allow for much #coloring oh #mixedproblems (at New York, New York)

[mixedmagick]

"Scholarly perspectives on the mixed race experience"

[aliciadianne]

Trying out some comic ideas, how ligers must feel filling out applications 🦁 ❤️ 🐯 #lion #tiger #liger #tigon #mixed #mixedproblems #biracialproblems #characterdesign #animation #illustration #comic #comics #conceptart #artfido #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #instaart #artproblems #digital #digitalart #ipadart #procreate #comicstrip #animals #animaldrawing #artcollective #womenwhodraw #cartoonistsofcolor #1000lionsforkenya

[beyonceblockedme2]

theblasianbarbie replied to your post “theblasianbarbie replied to your post “being racially ambiguous isnt...”

omg yeah like i can talk about antiblackness within the asian community where i am more disadvantaged but like within the black community im more privileged like im not lightskinned but i have "good hair", and one a certain scale i am racially ambiguous, and some of my features are more eurocentric

yes but then ur fetishized as well like i remember when i was around 6 one of my moms black friends was like “ur so pretty u have a caucasian nose and big african lips” and that honestly sticks in my mind bc i was so young and who tf says that to a baby!!!

[minaswrld]

The ‘HOW I DO MY MAKEUP’ tag!

Thank you @thagirlking for tagging me! Usually I don’t like to do a lot of makeup because I’m very lazy, but today is my first day as a junior at NYU! I’m majoring in psychology and I want to look nice hehe 💕

I decided to go with this natural, orangey warm toned look. Reminds me of pumpkin spice latte! For the base, I don’t like using foundation because it covers up my freckles so I use a little concealer to cover up my dark circles and any of my spots. For my brows, they’re very dark for my hair colour so I pluck them and I put a brow gel on them.

Next for my eyes, I used the Sweet Peach palette from Too Faced! I love this palette so much, it suits my aesthetic so well. I then used this black eyeliner. I did this very small because my lids are tiny and long eyeliner makes me look squinty. #MixedProblems. After this, I used a bit of the Kat Von D contour palette for a little bit of definition for my cheekbones and forehead. To finish, I used an orangey lip stain because it’s cold and my lips get chapped easily :) 

This was fun! I tag any girls who want to do this ❣️

[datatheft-moved]

wanting Oreos but being unable to buy them because of that blinding rage fuelled spite #mixedproblems

[putmeonafeelingineverhad]

MixedProblems

Finishes straightening hair. (Took about 1 1/2 hour)

Looks in mirror.

Hair looks flawless.

Happy! (:

Looks outside.

Pouring rain.

Worried. :/

Idea!

Stuffs hair into beanie.

Puts on waterproof jacket.

Puts on jacket hood.

Tightens strings as much as possible but can still see.

Grabs umbrella.

Hopes for the best.

Outside for 10 minutes.

Gets to School.

Walks into bathroom.

Looks in mirror.

Frizzy hair. o.o

Curly hair. O.o

Hair is messed up. O.O

Blames humidity.

Puts hair into bun.

Bad rest of day. -____-

... fml.

[butitwasfunnythough]

Disney channel has a commercial about bullying and the speaker tells us he is of a biracial background and was bullied. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere in society.

[biracialgirlprobs]

No, I'm fully offended by your ignorance and your inability to see that I'm a person who identifies as both races