nyxyjenkin

[nyxyjenkin]

A realization of how unfair the world really is to girls. Things that would really and only hit hard once you've experienced something. Can't believe I had to go through this to truly understand the burden deeper and unfortunately relate to experiences of other girls.

One thing I really hate about being a girl is having to be cautious with your friends. Even if you're known to be a tomboy. Everywhere I go, I always have this feeling of people calling me a whore, and slut, a pick me girl. I had a group of friends who were mostly boys, we've been friends since 7th grade and since I started 11th grade. I genuinely felt safe with them and didn't think of them as any potential boyfriends or anything. They were my friends and I trusted them with my life. That was torn apart when I was then told they all had crushes on me.

It was all torn apart when I went with them to drink and I thought it was just a friendly catching up. And it was a friendly catch up. But then they started making hints.

Hints that they wanted to fuck me. Hints that they'd take any pussy to fuck with right now. Hints that they needed a woman's love right now.

They cuddled up against me, held my waist, and grinded on my ass while I went to drink water.

They said it would be light drinking.

They said they'd stop until they were just tipsy.

I bought light beer just to join in the fun. I didn't want to drink that much. I didn't want to take shots. They urged me, I accepted because they were friends.

They were friends.

They won't do anything to me.

I trusted them not to touch me.

So I tried to have fun. I tried telling myself that they wouldn't do that. So I smiled and tried to have fun. I even recorded it to show I was 'having fun'. I sent it to my friend, I told her not to tell my boyfriend because I told myself nothing bad was happening.

I told myself I was spending time with The Boiz. I told myself I wasn't uncomfortable. I told myself they were only hugging me because I was a good friend.

A friend who was open to all topics and never judged you. A friend to be there when you need it. My gender didn't matter. I was a friend.

The time to go home, I never felt more free. I grabbed my things and tried to leave immediately.

I texted my boyfriend. I lied to him earlier. Told him me and my friends were just hanging out.

God what would he think if he knew what they did. I loved my friends. So I lied again.

Even though I had a feeling he knew I went drinking. I lied. But brought out a small truth.

I texted him. I've never felt safer. Even though he wasn't with me then. I felt so safe.

Told him I was going home. Told him there was a surprise drinking party, told him some bits and pieces of what happened. Left out my feelings from earlier and told him I had 'fun'.

I left out the parts of where they kept touching me. Parts where they kept hinting of wanting to fuck me. To touch me. As they felt me up.

Then I told my boyfriend the bits and pieces. I told him I liked him, we couldn't say love to each other yet.

Should've known him not saying it back was a sign that he knew. And we said goodnight.

The next day. I see he unsent three messages he sent at 12 am. I was asleep then.

After a few hours, he said good morning to me. Never felt so happy being able to talk to him again. We talked and talked until he brought up a screen shot of the video I sent my friend. I knew he knew.

And I explained. I explained and explained. I should've just told him what they did. So now I tell him. He laughs.

He doesn't believe me. He doesn't believe that I didn't feel comfortable. He didn't believe that I wanted to go home earlier at some point.

He keeps pointing out the fact that they were all around me and the fact I was smiling through it all. Touching me. Points out that I seem to enjoy it.

My heart sunk.

As he kept sending and sending texts saying how I feel like I'm All I could hear was, "Whore. You're a whore"

Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore.

I asked him if he thinks I enjoyed it. If he thinks that I enjoyed being felt up by them. I felt disgusted.

I disgust him don't I.

He doesn't trust my words. Of course he won't.

I feel so alone. Hurt and betrayed.

The friends who I thought were good people did that to me.

The person I love and trusted and felt safe the most with now seems like he doesn't want to do anything with me.

Why do girls have to go through shit like this???

Why us?

Why do we have to be sexualized?

Why are we the only ones seen as fuckable people?

Why do I have to be born a girl?