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BREAKING NEWS

Elon Musk has walked across the White House Lawn "buck ass naked" (according to onlookers) claiming to be wearing silks so fine and rich that only the smartest people can see. Musk's penis is reportedly shaped like two turtles with their shells glued together.

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BREAKING NEWS

I did the 'JD Vance is a fucked up little child' meme edit thing before everyone else by about a month BEFORE he made a fool of himself on the global stage and I want that to be on record somewhere.

I made this image on February 22, 2025. And I'm in no way saying that nobody else can do it or mad that it happened (quite the opposite, I'm THRILLED JD Vance being a baby man is a meme) I just want to say that I was ahead of the curve on pinpointing this man's deal as a whiny, entitled little manbaby who clings to far more powerful and older men both as a means of advancing his political career as well as filling the void left by his father who clearly didn't love him <3

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BREAKING NEWS!!!

Vast chasm of options found between two opposite extremes proposed by some kind of upright geriatric adult baby.

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BREAKING NEWS

Donal Trump found to actually be 4.5 inches tall. Team simply uses camera angles and mirrors to make him appear bigger. Melania Trump carries him around in her purse like he's some kind of Chihuahua

Donald Trump had this to say when asked: "4.5 is average! Average! Every man I know is 4.5 inches. You can ask them. We measure and compare! Only some kind of freak would be more than 4.5 inches, I say."

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Every single Republican man currently in office, up to and including their orbiters and aides, found to have many worms in their balls.

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BREAKING

Strange man has manifested with in the Trumpisphere Polycule. Nobody knows who he is, where he comes from, or what his deal is, though unfortunately he has made it keenly obvious what his fetishes are as he keeps trying to insert them into his politics, much like how he wants to insert his penis into a pie. That is what I think 'Creampie' means, anyway. I've never known the touch of a woman (or a man (I am Bisexual (I do not feel like acting upon it right now))) and don't really feel like googling it because this odd man keeps showing up at official-misinformation HQ and staring at us through the bathroom windows. Who the fuck is this, and more importantly do 'stand your ground laws' apply if he keeps running to the sidewalk every time we catch him?

Any information on this peeping tom can be forwarded to the proper authorities. Bring this strange strange man to justice.

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"FUCK MAN FUCK FUCK FUCK" -Experts say as large fucked up worm emerges through floor in oval office

A worm came up through the floor like in hit movie Dune featuring cheekbone model Timothee Chalamet. Probably. I haven't seen Dune because Timothee Chalamet's cheekbones scare and intimidate me. The worm, however, seems to be intimidated by nothing and is currently doing battle with the White House's in-house gladiators.

"It's nothing, nothing, don't worry about it," Trumptopham Hat said when asked, "the worm's a Republican, it's fine. We golf. I let him fuck my wife."

The worm is current projected to bring up market cap on Sony, Apple, and Google by destroying all computers and televisions with in the White House. It thrashes around and devours people with its needlelike teeth. It is thought to have been summoned by some kind of witch or perhaps a warlock.

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BREAKING NEWS

Elon Musk gets rib surgically removed to try and make a wife that won't leave him "just like in the broble, which is like the bible but without the book of ruth in it and any mentions of mary magdalene are removed so sensitive men like me don't have to think about icky icky girls :(" says Musk, who managed to make a frowny face with his voice.

The rib is said to have fled country by airplane before any serious attempts were made to create Musk another wife - making this the first case of preemptive divorce. The rib has not yet been reached for comment.

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Donald Trump recently seen staggering around Washington DC completely in the nude with his finger up his ass asking for a 'Swedish Goodtime' from random passersby. After two hours of this, the secret service pulled up in a little clown car and drove him home. Trump was overheard asking if they could stop for 'Ice Cweemies' on their way back.

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DONALD TRUMP'S DICK LOOPS IN ON ITSELF LIKE MOBIUS STRIP, EXPERTS SAY

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TIM WALZ HAS A PRETTY NICE SHED, EXPERTS SAY. IT HAS GARDEN TOOL, SUCH AS SHOVEL AND RAND PAUL LIVES INSIDE OF IT LIKE SOME KIND OF RODENT-MAN.

SOURCES SAY HE WAS LAST SEEN CAUGHT IN A GLUE TRAP WITHIN AFTER BEING CAUGHT EATING WALZ FAMILY DINNERS OUT OF THE GARBAGE.

THIS ANNOUNCEMENT MARKS FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS CARED ABOUT RAND PAUL IN ANY CAPACITY IN OVER ONE DECADE.

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DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO TAKE JD VANCE TO THE VET AND TEARFULLY PUT HIM TO SLEEP MORE AT ELEVEN

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Did I do that?

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Michael Rockefeller, largely assumed to have fucked off to an island somewhere and died, has recently nominated himself for Presidency.

"I thought to myself, what this situation really needs is an old money oil baron dynasty heir," stated Rockefeller when asked for comment, "I mean there's a Kennedy already here. I believe it was Eminem who said 'this feels like a job for me, so everyone, just follow me, because we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me', and I really resonated with those words."

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"I wanna be king again!" cries Donald Trump from Mar-a-Lago, a resort that he owns and lives on that costs 350 million USD, "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!"

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GOP found to be entirely comprised of AI Sex Chatbots set to mimic the actual politicians who formerly held seats within the GOP. GOP whipping boys, also known as 'interns', carry around laptops with each AI Sex Chatbot loaded onto a Microsoft Edge page. Michael Whatley, the now-former chairman of the GOP, was allegedly last seen doing the Hanky Panky Upright Vertical Tango with a strange and suspect hole in a gross bathroom stall in downtown Chicago, and ever since has been unavailable for comment.

Our senior analysts have stated that they do not believe this to change anything because none of them are really sure what any of these people do.

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"I think I could survive Pompeii," stated Donald Trump, noted coup-attempter, last night, "I think I could survive it. I've always been a good swimmer. I swim all over- all over Florida. Ask anyone and they'll say 'Oh there goes Donald, swimming again'. Have you seen Joe Schmoe swimming? No, I didn't think so. That's because he's a loser. He'd never survive Pompeii, never."

To prove his claims, Donald Trump is set to travel to an undersea volcano in a submarine, pictured below.