ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe - Tumblr blog

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

Trying my hardest to clean my heart

of the mess you left there

Scrub off all the blame

that you put on me

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

My eyes are glazed over like a thick fog

My tear ducts turn to rain clouds

And from my throat the wind howls

My fingers drum like rain drops on glass

My heart beats like thunder as they walk past

A tornado is spun as I twirl my hair

You should be aware of the earthquake created from the shaking of my feet on the floor

And the heatwave burning me up at my core

Throughout all of this weather

No one asked me whether I'm okay

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

My borderline personality disorder is my addiction It doesn’t do me any good Medication provides stability But sometimes I throw that away

I don’t know if my intention is to sabotage myself All I know is I stop And I feel lighter, free, wild I feel creative and fun

Then the fun stops I can’t stop thinking about dying I can’t stop crying I let all the emotions back in full force With it comes all the heaviness and darkness

I feel hopeless and helpless

It takes me a while to care about myself enough to want to take my medication

I take it again

All the time knowing I’m tempted by the high of the mania and I could sell my sanity for the price of a brief moment of euphoria

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

Mother’s Day

I’m suppose to be thankful for all that you do

The thought of you

it makes me weep

I can’t sweep all the cobwebs under the rug

I’ve run out of room there

I want to snap the broom and scream from the rooftops

You hurt me

You hurt me

You hurt me

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

scarred

I am emotional and teary

I am wounded and weary

My brain has many emotional scars

Like a night sky full of stars

Burning hot inside my mind

In the dark its all I find

I start seeing constellations

Lines between what happened and me

I blame myself for existing in moments created by others

My first response is to erase my memories by erasing me

I think these things so carelessly

I have to relearn that I deserve to take up space

I have to embrace this wasn’t my fault

To put down the salt

To allow myself to just be

Despite a mind full of debris

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

Life is vibrant

Full of colour

Full of noise

Full of people

Desaturation

Quiet 

Lonely

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

Small goodness

A change of place

A friendly face is required

Human contact is desired

Of any kind

Whatever I can find

I need softness

While my mind is rough

A simple gesture is enough

To smooth and soothe the harsh edges in my point of view

All I need is to know the world outside my brain has good

My brain is filtering out good

That’s understood

But it exists in the world

Even in the small

I attempt to break down my brick wall

Make a window

And observe

New information for my optic nerve

Something to counteract all the sharpness and black 

To try and find what I lack

To get myself back

Piece by piece

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

Bystander

You don’t deserve me

You’re prepared to serve me up to a monster

Just so your life doesn’t have to change 

[ohdearwhatcouldthematterbe]

I would choose...

You can’t choose your upbringing

You can’t choose your family

I would choose someone who believes me

when I tell them all the worst things that happened to me

I would choose someone who holds me tight

Who tells me not to fight back the tears

To let them flow

They don’t let go until I’m ready

I would choose someone who sees the truth 

And sees the toxic

Who gets rid of them from our life like an antibiotic

Someone who tells me that person was in the wrong

Its okay, they are gone

I would choose someone who see that I’m strong

but protects me

Instead I have someone who rejects me

For telling the truth