okiimii

[okiimii]

as a chinese and japanese individual, names of that culture have history and meanings. they mean a lot to the culture, as it shows what parents wish their child to be (at times)

forcing to change names, however, isn't good. forcing a name change to an alter isn't healthy nor is a good way to combat that. recognizing that the name isn't meant for you (bodily) and that it has connection to the culture, is the first step.

i do personally feel uncomfortable when i see white people pick out a cultured name just because it "sounds good" or that "they were meant to have it" since it has such a rich history in the asian culture

changing names is NOT a priority of recovery, and should never be forced onto a system. when you're ready, and even if you want to, you can change it. just be warned that some people might be uncomfortable referring you (the alter) as it

admittedly we are collectively white but it does piss all of us off that in fictionkin and system spaces it's essentially forbidden for currently bodily white individuals to use Chinese or Japanese names, specifically because it has been suggested that we force a fictive in our system to change his name, or "at least call him something else" in fictionfolk spaces. and we're not going to do that. in his life, he was Japanese. in this life, he can't even fucking read, and he's so distressed by being in the relative past and in a body that makes him dysphoric that he never fronts. we're not stressing him out even more by telling him he can't use the name that has always been his.

yeah that is immensely fucked up and I'm sorry for that anon

[okiimii]

how do you feel about big cats? do you have a favorite?

OUGH!! im not too well versed in wild cats, but i do have a favorite!! they're not a big cat, but actually a small cat...

the rusty-spotted cat! at their adult size, theyre like 2-3 pounds! theyre so silly and small, though they are a vulnerable species! technically, they could MAYBE be domesticated (the same way a snake could be) but it would be best to leave these wild little babies to their habitat

i will use this to mention mossy earth, which help animal habitats to become healthier and more wild!

[okiimii]

what do you think is the most important thing/trait to have when you syscourse?

Patience.

Ability to step back, process your feelings and separate your immediate feelings from your own opinion and facts you can operate with.

Self-awareness.

Ability to accept you can be wrong.

And ability to leave the conversation when it's pointless and more energy draining than worthy of your time.

[okiimii]

How many created “systems” have BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder. A disorder that makes people think they want to be disabled) and how many do you think are just intentionally malicious

Cause like. It’s always one or the other and I’m not sure which one is more common

have you considered going down a list of coping mechanisms instead of your list of syscoursers to keep sending this to?

[okiimii]

happy juneteenth!!! :D

[okiimii]

Psych Critical

This post is highly related to this post, and I hope you'll read both. This was written second.

I've sent a couple asks to anti psych blogs talking about my own situation.

My goal isn't to change their minds, but to see what options they think are available to my family. Not every attempt at communication is an attack on a stance. I have real questions.

If there are other options, I'd love to hear them. I want these options to exist. I want more than what my family is going to get.

However, no one has responded to my asks. Maybe they think it's bait and I'm trying to catch them in a trick, maybe they don't know the answer, maybe they don't care (if you're one of those blogs, you've forfeited an opinion on my life).

So I'm going to post, under my own name, and ask again.

This isn't bait. This is my life, my every day normal. This is my father's life, every single day.

Psych Critical is a stance that I don't have a choice in. The psych system is only one thing that my family will turn to for help, and if we don't approach it first, it'll approach us on less kind circumstances. And that's genuinely what we're looking for.

Help.

And I think blanket generalizations like the above are about as useful as trash. I shouldn't have to hate myself and my family for needing help and seeking it out.

My father has something called NF (Neurofibromatosis). You might know this as "elephant man disease," though these are distinct disorders that are different from each other. It's the easiest way to describe it, though. He has tumors all over his body, inside and out, in his case. Visible lumps all over his body.

Unfortunately, these tumors are also on his brain. This causes him to have seizures, strokes, hallucinate, and have bouts of violence towards anyone and everyone. Specifically concerning is the voice of God telling him to punish his (now adult) children, and threatening to harm people based on the colour of their skin and religion. These hallucinations likely stem from the fact that he was raised as an orphan in the church (yes, it's exactly what you think).

There was a time when he could have gotten treatment, but we're past that. Initially, he refused. He was scared, I'm sure he didn't think it would end up like this. Now, he's unable to consent to treatment, and it's so progressed that surgery isn't an option. Chemo never was. To make matters worse, he's an alcoholic, to the point that not drinking will cause seizures and will likely result in death. Not to mention the damage to his liver that's slowly killing him. It's not functioning well these days.

There is no POA or will, and he's not able to consent to signing either. He will not go to any doctors at this point. You can't even have a conversation about this with him. Every plan he's set up on, retirement, pension, disability-- he calls them constantly to fuck around with it, cancel it, take his children's names off it, tell them he doesn't need it. They've stopped talking to him and will only discuss with my mother, despite there being no POA in place.

He is only going to get worse. He is going to die, and he doesn't understand.

My father is already dead. The man that raised me is gone, the man that cared isn't in that head anymore. It's a cruel soul using his body like a puppet until it finally gives out.

At this point... my siblings, mother, and I have had to cut him out of our lives. He's mean. He's so goddamn mean and cruel. His words cut harder than his fists, only because there's nothing left to him. He's skin and bones.

I don't know how much longer my cousin can let him stay there. Then what?

At some point, he will need to be forcibly committed and treated, if only to make him comfortable during his final... years? Months? Days? Because of the unique circumstances, there's likely not a drug that can help curb any of the symptoms. Drugs might be able to get him off the alcohol, but he's not going to like that at all, and that's not what's causing the hallucinations. His memory only gets worse by the day. Simple daily things like using the stove are becoming more of a danger, because he keeps walking away and forgetting.

I have about as much choice in this as he does, and the sooner he's committed, the better for everyone, including him. I mean, he can continue to stay out, and pass out on the streets trying to get home from the bar after getting kicked out for starting fights or getting angry when he's cut off. I don't know if or when he's going to forget the way home, and even if I try not to care... I'm scared.

I fear the day he's picked up by the police. I want him in the legal system even less than the psych system, and I think he'll fight any police that try to approach him. This is a man that, I promise you, would rather be homeless than denied alcohol.

This is not my biological father. He came into my life when I was only 1 year old. My biological father was, surprise surprise, also an alcoholic. He was in a drunk driving accident before I was born that killed other people. He was the driver.

My step dad, the only dad I've ever known, scares me sometimes.

I don't want to be the child of two murderers.

So I ask again, what do you suggest? How is this ableist? Your focus is psychotic people, but that's not the only people in these facilities. That's not the only disease that they treat. I read a couple posts from a linked resource (it's tumblr posts, let's not lie), and one of them mentioned something akin to outpatient treatment. @trans-axolotl because I'm using your post. I actually appreciate the "I don't know" of your answer.

It's a lot better than, "you're ableist for even thinking about this."

Friendos, I don't have a choice but to think about this.

This seemed silly to me, though, because psych wards already act like that. Many of the patients leave during the day to work, shop and visit family, and return at night. Rinse and repeat for them, every day. There's a surprising amount of individualized treatment, freedoms, and steps for each patient.

But not everyone can adhere to that. If my dad got out during the day, he would be drinking, and this would exacerbate the symptoms. He's a dick when he's drunk on the best of days. It's why my mother divorced him originally, before the hallucinations started.

A dry house wouldn't work, either. The places this man has hidden alcohol... he's like a squirrel, it's just everywhere, and he comes across them like,

Inside the WALLS, my guys. Hidden in the basement, the wall goes up to uncovered beams and there's a gap, and he hides them down behind those walls.

Do you know how many spiders are in there? He can fucking drink them, he wins that battle. Touché, dad.

When they tear the house down in the far future, I'm willing to bet they'll find a full liquor store down there. And again, the first time someone says, "you can't bring that in here," he'll turn around and say, "then I'm not going in there, diddles," because his fucking language part of the brain is broken and no matter how many times you explain that "diddle" is a CSA word that you can't just use randomly like that, he forgets.

When I first got married, I had him over to my apartment to spend a few nights. The amount of alcohol that got into my house... I don't even think he brought boxers, just alcohol, and it ended in a fight, and I made him leave. After that, he refused to come visit me. He's never been to my sibling's homes. It was the final straw for me, the things he said to my husband are unforgivable. I keep watch from afar now, talking to my cousin about him.

I said a few paragraphs up that the man that cared is gone. Sometimes, I look back, and I'm reminded of all the doubts growing up that he ever really cared. But I still care, and loving him is painful. The fear of what he's going to do next is even worse.

I want to finish this off with one of my... I don't want to say favorite, but this documentary was one that helped me, a fair bit, when it came out. I'd genuinely like the opinions of anti psych people on this documentary, and the true extent of violence and self harm that some patients display. Heavy trigger warning for severe self harm and violence toward others. Obviously.

For some of these patients, do you see another option for treatment? If not psych wards, what do you suggest happens to some of the patients in the video? What role did the staff actually play in some of the events portrayed?

As a general reminder, this isn't to change minds but open dialogue.

"Psych crits are ableist," is a pretty harsh statement considering the number of people in similar positions to myself. I feel like there's a huge disregard and ignorance for the violence that real people are experiencing.

Again, I'm psych critical, I don't accept the system as it is now, I think there's many improvements to be made. I think there is a need, in a very not small number of cases, for this type of system. I understand and appreciate the intersection of race, poverty and mental health that leads to anti psych sentiments, and I agree. There is a large number of people in psych wards that shouldn't be. This needs to be addressed.

But how do you reconcile both? I can't figure it out. I don't know.

[okiimii]

so, i made a new debate blog! we're tired of putting politics in here, so we're going to be moving non-syscourse/system posts/reblogs to @okiimiidebates !

feel free to follow :3

[okiimii]

people on this site are not blind to fascist rhetoric you give sophie

would love to debate you on your ideals! sadly you wont respond :/

Some people on this site will really just act like spreading around a healthy psychological practice is colonialism and wanting to pull people away from bigoted far-right religions is fascism, huh?

[okiimii]

家主はこれを　ひとつのシアワセのカタチというです

My landlady says this is a shape of happiness

[okiimii]

if you are bodily white, you do not have poc alters/headmates.

[okiimii]

That's how they do that

[okiimii]

NEXT MONTH IS DISABLED PRIDE MONTH!!! ARE UOU KEEPING UR CAT PFP???

i might change it back to my pink profile picture!! i get anxious without it to be honest, and i feel very weird ;;;!!! i dislike change a lot!!

[okiimii]

i wish people could focus more on the racism that is very present in the system community. i feel very unsafe in the community sometimes because of it

people talking about the ableism is great too! but i feel like we can also uplift poc voices about how racism is weirdly normalized and not called out as much as ableism is

[okiimii]

if you're still accepting syscourse questions, do you have any thoughts on the idea that one must prove their suffering to be truly disabled? and do you have any thoughts on how that concept has affected system communities?

no one should ever have to prove their suffering. for disabled parking, the use of an aid, having a service animal, etc

i feel like it's affected the community with "your trauma wasnt enough" or "prove that you have a CDD / have trauma." it causes people to either be pushed into oversharing or being forced to hide completely.

basically, it turns healing into a threat of legitimacy and encourages comparison over connection, which isn't fair. systems shouldnt have to confess their history for public approval

[okiimii]

i know people will probably say that the age of consent varies across countries, but on the internet and in MOST countries, the age of consent 18.

as a general rule of thumb, i really don't think anyone who is bodily a minor should be involved in the discourse of whether or not littles can consent to NSFW activities because it's extremely likely that they can't bodily consent anyways.

and part of the discourse is based around systems that are bodily at or above the age of consent.

like if you're bodily 15 for example, you shouldn't be in this discourse because you already can't consent anyhow.

[okiimii]

this is very interesting! i do have a few questions though on some parts of your post, specifically this one:

You have to have multiple subsystems, sidesystems, and higher dissociation (often leading in more alters). This type of DID is one that comes from often more intense more prolonged trauma. While most DID can develop into being 9-10, C-DID is widely agreed to be developed earlier.

i would really appreciate if you have any more information/sources on this! i struggle with finding sources on this, so it would be very helpful to see what sources you have gotten this from!! :D

So!! What's CDID?

Okay so, based on our knowledge and understanding, and well, having it, I’ll give my best run down!

C-DID is Complex dissociative identity disorder!

You might say “but DID is complex” yes! It’s just a categorization, not a separate diagnosis.

You need to have a few things to be a C-DID system that aren’t always common in DID systems!

You have to have multiple subsystems, sidesystems, and higher dissociation (often leading in more alters). This type of DID is one that comes from often more intense more prolonged trauma. While most DID can develop into being 9-10, C-DID is widely agreed to be developed earlier.

In some cases certain types of trauma (RAMCOA) are considered needed, I do not have ramcoa trauma therefore won’t be discussing it but I have severe dissociation, a lot of subsystems and side-systems and a pretty high alter count. I also have pretty intense trauma in areas of things that may be associated with ramcoa, though that does not apply to me. I won't get into my trauma here, as it's not needed, but the term can be applied to trauma outside of ramcoa occasionally, though I do say it shouldn't be thrown arround! Just having a high alter count and subsystems does NOT mean you have C-DID.

I do not use the term C-DID lightly, it simply applies to my system well! It is not about trauma Olympics or anything like that, which some think. It's about being able to categorize and help your system heal by knowing how it works!

[okiimii]

sophie just brushing off the fact she said that my brother's family of trump supporting immigrants deserved to be deported, but what else is new :/