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[okoninjah]

And… I got

Blocked

But my great neph neph was being cute today wanna see??

[okoninjah]

All this grief. All this feeling. All this love. Where do I put all of it? If not you, Then where?

[okoninjah]

And just like that

I miss her

Fucking hell

This is frustrating

Why?

Why?!

Fucking why do I miss her?

Because she has my heart

Because I am still in love with her

I still crave her presence

I still miss her smile

I still have her laugh on repeat in my memory

And her touch lingers within my heart

I still feel her breathing against my shoulder

I’m so weak

[okoninjah]

It’s best that I go

Yeah, it’s best that I leave

I have nothing and no one

Hell, I’m nothing but weak

I went to get help

It just made things worse

And I have no medical so I can’t talk about it

Why the FUCK am I still on this shitty earth?!

It’s best that I leave

Yeah, it’s best that I go

No one wants me here anyway

And I don’t care to be here anymore

[okoninjah]

I call it why the fuck am I still alive

When nobody wakes you up in the morning, when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it, Freedom or Loneliness?

Charles Bukowski

[okoninjah]

I thought we were good

Better than, I thought we were great

I thought that for me -

You would want to wait

But that was too much to ask for

That was too much to expect

But I thought that when you’re with someone

They owe you at least a little respect

But that was too much for me to want

That was too much for me to need

And it was ridiculous of me to think -

That your wouldn’t want anyone else if they weren’t me

But that was stupid of me

Maybe it was selfish

To think we were forever

To think you wouldn’t want someone else

But I thought we were good

Yeah I thought we were great

I didn’t think that you’d leave

Especially not this way

[okoninjah]

It’s so easy to leave me

Why can’t someone just stay for once…

[okoninjah]

No wonder she left

It’s me

[okoninjah]

I didn’t think I’d lose her

I didn’t think it was an unforgivable mistake

I didn’t think I’d lose everything

But I did

And I’ve never been so lonely and isolated

I’ve never wanted to die like this before

This kind of pain came out of nowhere

And somehow losing someone who’s still alive feels worse than when my mom died

I feel so intensely and deeply throughout each day

I’m so exhausted

I just want a break from feeling

I just want to

Disappear

Because I don’t belong here

She’s made it clear that I don’t belong with her either

I’m just here

Meaningless

I’m trying to find the good, or a sign to point me in some kind of direction

And I even tried creating my own kind of sign

Yeah…

Somehow even that one turned into ‘kill your self’

I am actively searching and trying to move on

But…

For what?

What’s the point?

She’s not coming back

She’s gone

My family is fucked up and i am absolutely miserable

And no one even wants me here

I don’t want me here

Please

Just let me die already

There literally is no point in keeping me alive

It’s not going to ‘hurt’ anyone

Or ‘traumatize’ them

It’s not going to make anyone have ‘sudden regret’ or ‘feelings’ for me

Please just let me die already

Please

[okoninjah]

Day One…

No weed

[okoninjah]

And the right thing to do right now, is to finish this pill bottle

“Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared, really scared, badly scared, and you do the right thing anyway.”

— Neil Gaiman

[okoninjah]

Yeah I know…

I feel it

It’s time to end things

“But sometimes you make a choice in that moment and you know in your heart it’s going to change everything.”

— Unknown

[okoninjah]

It’s not going to get better

So I give up

[okoninjah]

I’m trying along with the rest of me

Wish me luck

“Kill the part of you that believes it can’t survive without someone else.”

— Sade Andria Zabala, War Songs

[okoninjah]

I’m not better on my own

I wish you were blowing up my phone

I really wish I had you back

Sometimes it be like that

But I’m not myself the nights you’re gone

There ain’t no way I’m moving on

I’m not afraid to love you now

Wish you were in the same town

[okoninjah]

Those were the best years of my life and I’ll never have any more good ones

So it’s best that I leave

Yeah it’s best that I go

It’s best that I disappear

While nobody knows

It’s best that I give up

While I’ve got the nerve

Because this is a life

That I don’t deserve

So it’s best that I go

Yeah it’s best that I leave

It’s best that I overdose

Because I know no one will miss me

“You can’t spend the best years of your life waiting for someone to love you back.”

— Unknown

[okoninjah]

now i am forced to somehow un-love you. as if i never craved your touch, your kiss, or simply your presence across the room. i am forced to pretend this heart is not longing for your return. we are now two strangers who shared a past, and an imaginary future together. i am forced to dry my tears at night and make myself believe this is for the better. my arms no longer have a home. and your absence will forever torment my soul.

- dee (i am forced to forget us)