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oldfashionedmoth · 3 years

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Lonely Voldy

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Lightening streaked across the blackened sky, illuminating the twisted shapes of trees in the foreground. Rain bitterly thrashed against Lucius Malfoy’s face as he hurriedly strode down the garden path. The sharp pain in his forearm pulsated even more intensely, stirring a greater sense of nervous urgency in his belly. Truth be told, he had been feeling more and more conflicted about his allegiance to The Dark Lord as of late. Narcissa had been so worried about their son, Draco, showing interest in joining the rebellion, and Lucius’ own participation in the Dark Lord’s plans had become a source of conflict in their marriage. Lucius longed for the simpler times, before His Dark Lord’s return. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to steel his thoughts.

“Don’t give him any reason to suspect your reluctance,” he said to himself.

The Dark Lord was very accomplished at occlumency, and any sign of disloyalty would have been disastrous for himself and his family. He could almost taste the passion and vigor with which his master had cast the summoning spell, that made his dark mark glow. He felt that this night was different somehow. So much was riding on this evening going well. His master needed his assistance, and he was going to answer the call.

He cursed under his breath as he approached the obscured house. A series of charms and hexes had prevented him from apparating any closer, and the 5-minute walk in the tempestuous storm had soaked him to the bone. He paused in the doorway, wiped his limp, soggy hair out of his face, and knocked 3 times. The door opened a crack and two beady eyes peered out, warily. Lucius’ lips receded in contempt. “Step aside, Wormtail, before you lose your other hand,” he sneered, forcing the door open wider. Peter Pettigrew retreated into the darkness of the foyer, allowing Lucius room to step inside. As his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, he could see that he hadn’t been the only one summoned by His Dark Lord. To his left stood Hogwarts professor, Severus Snape. That was to be expected. Snape had recently regained The Dark Lord’s confidence, and had become one of his most trusted advisors. He and Lucious had once been good friends, but they seemed to have drifted apart over the years. He thought, perhaps, he would try to re-engage with Snape. Having an ally close to the top could prove to be advantageous to his own position, and in turn put Narcissa’s mind at ease. More surprisingly, Lucius noted that Barty Crouch Jr. was also in attendance. Poor chap. He had become a shell of his former self, ever since that blasted Cornelius Fudge decided to bring a Dementor into the courtroom during his trial. Barty stood now, facing the corner, eyes unfocused and unaware of his surroundings. Such a pitiful waste of talent. He had been a very promising young wizard, and an asset to His Dark Lord, to be sure. It was so sad to see what became of him since receiving the Dementors kiss. The door behind Lucius sharply flung open, and a hulking figure stepped inside. In a swift movement it grabbed Peter by the back of the neck, lifted him to meet his own shadowed face, and grumbled, “I knew I smelled a rat!” Severus sniffed and muttered under his breath, “And. I. Smell. Wet. Dog.” Fenrir Greyback snarled, dropped the sniveling Peter to the floor, and turned to loom over Severus, menacingly. Severus stood his ground, unflinching. A long serpentine hiss emanated from the shadows, breaking up the scuffle. Nagini, The Dark Lord’s faithful boa constrictor, weaved herself around the men’s feet, heralding her master’s entrance. The parlour doors pitched open with gusto as his eminence rushed forward, robes billowing behind him. “Gentlemen, you’re LATE! I expect you have a good reason for keeping me waiting?” Lucius could feel the butterflies in his stomach grow. He hated to disappoint his master. The repercussions could be disastrous. He could sense the others shift uncomfortably beside him, indicating that they felt similarly. No one wanted to be singled out, and on the receiving end of His Dark Lord’s wrath. “Come! We have much to discuss.” Voldemort said, ominously, before he abruptly turned and disappeared into the parlour. Lucius gulped and hesitantly followed the group. They entered the parlour to see six sleeping bags laid out in a semicircle around the hearth of the fireplace. “M’Lord. What. Is this?” Drawled Severus “How long have I known you Snape? Years? Decades even? But do we even really *know* each other at all? What’s my favourite colour, Snape?” Voldemort queried.

“M'lord?” Snape replied.

“My favourite colour. What is it?”

“Green, perhaps?”

“WRONG! It’s crimson! The same colour of the blood of the innocent, whom I shall slaughter, in the quest for ultimate power! See, you’d know that, if we hung out more.” said Voldemort “I decided we needed a bit of bonding time. The six of us. A bunch of dudes, getting to know one other, just, chillin’.”

“And. The sleeping bags?”

“Well, I thought it would be fun if we pretended we were camping. We can roast marshmallows and tell spooky stories.”

Severus, Lucius, Peter, and Fenrir all began to snicker at their Lord’s perceived sarcasm. Barty remained emotionless, swaying in the doorway.

“IMPERIO!!!!” Voldemort exclaimed, waving his wand over his guests. Involuntarily, the men found themselves choosing a sleeping bag and sitting around the fireplace. Even Barty, lumbered into place.

“Sorry about that,” Voldemort said, releasing them from the curse. “I didn’t want to bust out an unforgivable curse, this early in the evening, but my patience runs thin for your reluctance to follow orders! Somebody make me a s’more!”

Peter scrambled to put a marshmallow on a skewer for his master. The others sat in awkward silence.

“Ahh, this is nice, isn’t it?” pondered Voldemort. “It’s been a while since I enjoyed a campfire. We used to have a bonfire quite often, you know. Quirrell and I.”

Voldemort bit his bottom lip, and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Ahh, Quirrell. He used to tell the scariest stories! Kept me up at night. Would you like to hear one?”

Barty stared listlessly into the fire. The others exchanged puzzled looks.

“Ok, once upon a time there was a boy named Tim, who lived in an orphanage. One night, he heard a strange noise on the staircase outside his room. Pat-pat, pat-pat, pat-pat. It seemed to be getting closer. Pat-pat, pat-pat, pat-pat. He soon heard the noise right outside his room. Pat-pat, pat-pat, pat-pat. Terrified, Tim hid under his bed. Eventually he could hear his bedroom door open. Pat-pat, pat-pat, pat-pat. The creature waddled towards Tim’s bed. He could see its little toes, coming closer and closer. Pat-pat, pat-pat, pat-pat. Suddenly it bent down and looked under the bed, at Tim. It was a…BABY!!!”

Voldemort jumped at Lucius, imitating a child’s giggles.

Unimpressed, Lucius asked, “Is that it?” as he recoiled away from His Dark Lord’s tickles.

“Yeah. Quirrell used to tell it better than I do.” replied Voldemort wistfully.

“Where’s the scary part?” asked Peter.

“It was a BABY! Babies are terrifying.”

“No. They’re. Not.” retorted Snape.

Barty continued to watch the flames in the fireplace.

“Ok well, what if it was a murderous baby, coming to kill you? Pretty scary then, right?” questioned Voldemort.

“No, babies are pretty easy to overpower.” Said Fenrir.

“That’s what you think!!!” screamed Voldemort. “Forget it! I had enough of the spooky stories. It’s not the same without Quirrell, anyway.”

After a moment of uneasy silence, Voldemort exclaimed, “I know! Let’s make prank Floo calls. I’ll go first!!”

He put on a Deatheater mask to disguise himself, threw a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace, and stuck his head inside. In the flames, the image of Bellatrix Lestrange could be seen.

“M’lord, is that you?”

“Is your muggle food storage device running?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Is your muggle food storage device running?”

“M’lord I know it’s you. I can see Nagini in the background.”

“You better catch it!”

“M’lord, we’ve been through this. You’ve gotta stop calling me like thi…”

Voldemort cut off the connection before she could continue, as he hysterically cackled at his own joke.

“Ok Fenrir, it’s your turn.” He said, tossing him the mask.

“Fenrir smirked and donned the mask. He threw the Floo powder into the fireplace. This time Lucius’ wife, Narcissa, came into view.

“Hello?”

“I want to speak to Amanda Shagg.” He said gruffly.

“I’m sorry, you must have reached the wrong home. There’s no one here by that name.”

“Are you sure? I think you’d know Amanda Shagg, when you see ‘em.”

“No, I don’t know Amanda Shagg.”

“Well look no further, Darling. I’ll be right over.”

“What the Hell! That’s my wife!” Lucius exclaimed angrily. He grabbed his pillow and smacked Fenrir across the face with it. Fenrir retaliated.

“PILLOWFIGHT!!!!” cried Voldemort gleefully. He quickly charmed all the pillows to fly at Fenrir’s face, all at once.

Fenrir emerged from the pile of pillows and feathers, holding his mouth. “My tooth. You knocked my bloody tooth out! It was the gold one too!” He frantically searched, on his hands and knees, for the gold tooth.

“C’mon guys. You’re all being a total snoozefest. You know what we need to liven up the party?”

“Copious amounts of. Alcohol?” asked Snape dryly.

“No. Well, yes, maybe? But no. I was thinking a parlour game!” Voldemort shouted. “Quirrell and I used to pass so many hours together playing games. My favourite was when I’d close my eyes, and he’d hide somewhere in the house. Then, when I opened my eyes, I had to guess where we were. Haha. Good times, good times.”

“M’lord, it’s really getting late. I should be heading home soon.” Lucius said.

“Oh no, you’re sleeping over all night. That’s what the sleeping bags are for,” snapped Voldemort. “Besides, you wouldn’t want to miss us putting Wormtail’s hand in warm water, so he pees himself, do you?”

Peter looked up incredulously.

Barty flopped back into the pile of pillows and stared at the ceiling. “Let’s play Sardines. It’s like reverse hide and seek. I’ll go hide, and you all have to come find me. If you do, you have to hide in the same spot with me, until the last person finds us. Ok, count to 100, then come find me.” Peter dutifully began counting as soon as his master had left the room. Fenrir smacked the back of his head.

“Don’t be such a brown-noser, Rat! Let’s get this over with.” Together, the men set out to find where their master had hidden. Fenrir looked behind curtains; Peter looked behind doors; Severus looked under furniture; Barty wandered aimlessly; Malfoy discovered a dark ebony armoire, trimmed with carved wooden serpents, and decorated with an ornate crystal door handle. Lucius jerked his head towards the cabinet, and gestured to his fellow seekers that they should check in there. “You found me!” exclaimed Voldemort, as the gang threw open the door. “That was quick!” “Good, game over,” said Fenrir, turning to leave. “Not so fast. You all have to hide in here, with me, until the last person finds us.” said Voldemort. “We ARE all here” said Snape. “Nope, Barty hasn’t found us yet. Quick, get in before he sees us.” The four seekers piled inside the armoire. Peter’s head was in Fenrir’s armpit; Fenrir’s elbow was in Lucius’ ear; Lucius’ knee was in Severus’ rear; and Severus and Voldemort stood cheek-to-cheek.

“Something. Smells. Like garlic,” remarked Snape.

“Yeah, some of Quirrell’s old turbans are hung over there.”

“You haven’t gotten rid of them yet?” Lucius questioned.

“No, Malfoy! I just…haven’t got around to it, yet.” Voldemort replied. “W-we aren’t going to stay crammed in here like this, until Barty finds us, are we?” Peter whimpered

“That’s the name of the game, Wormtail. We’re crammed in here like…SAR-DINES!” Voldemort said, chuckling.

Does Barty even know he’s meant to be looking for us?” asked Lucius. “This is. Madness.” complained Severus, “There’s just. Not. Enough room. For five of us in. Here.”

Severus quickly cast an Undetectable Extension Charm, making the inside of the armoire grow in size, while leaving the size of the exterior unchanged. Each wizard retreated to an opposite corner, as far apart as possible, with Voldemort left standing in the middle. “Hey man, that’s cheating,” Voldemort warned Severus, “Good job. I like your gumption.” “I-I think I hear him coming.” Peter squeaked

The others quieted to listen for the approaching Barty. They could hear him shuffling along the floor, and bumping into walls. Fenrir began whistling and PssPssPssing, to draw him in the direction of the armoire. Eventually, Barty poked his head inside the cabinet and commented, “Bigger on the inside,” before stepping inside and closing the door. “Ok gang’s all here. Let’s go.” Fenrir gruffed, reaching for the door handle, which was no longer there. “The braindead fool must have ripped off the door knob!” Bellowed Fenrir, blaming Barty. “Bugger this! I’m not being trapped inside this box with you lot, all night!” He reached for his wand and blasted the doors open. “Alright then,” said Voldemort, “A bit overkill, but ok. Let’s just go to bed then, shall we? Crankypants!” He led his guest back to the parlour yelling “Last one back is going to marry Dumbledore!”

Eventually, they settled into their sleeping bags and turned off the lights. All was still, except for the crashing storm outside. “Hey, Barty. You asleep?” Voldemort rolled onto his tummy, rested his chin in his hands, and kicked his feet in the air behind him. “Truth or dare?” Barty stared blankly at the ceiling. “Alright, TRUTH!" Voldemort continued, unperturbed by Barty’s lack of response, "Who was the last person you kissed?” Barty’s head lolled to the left. “Oh jeeze, was that insensitive? I forgot about the whole Dementor thing. Sorry, my bad!” Voldemort said, “Ok Barty, now it’s your turn to ask someone.” Voldemort placed his hand on Barty’s chin and began moving his mouth up and down. In a high-pitched voice he said, “Snape, truth or dare?” Severus did not reply. “Who do you have a crush on?” Voldemort asked, via his Barty-puppet Snape remained tight-lipped. Peter began to tease. “I know who he used to have a crush on. I bet he still holds a flame for her too. L-I-L-Y!” “Lily? Didn’t I kill her?” Voldemort mused, as he let go of Barty’s head, and grimaced at Snape’s stone-cold face. “Uhh, hey, sorry about that, man. Tough break!” After a pause he continued, “Ok Snape, it’s your turn to ask someone.” Snape hesitated, but thought better of challenging Voldemort.

“Malfoy. Truth. Or. Dare?” “I don’t know. Dare?” Lucius offered, exasperated. “I. Dare you. To. Let. Me. Brew you a potion. Which you. Must. Drink,” Snape suggested. “Very well then,” Lucius replied. Snape got up, entered the kitchen and went to work making Lucius his potion. “Ok” said Voldemort said to Lucius, “Your turn to ask someone.” Lucios sighed and said, “Wormtail, Truth or Dare?” “T-truth,” Peter mumbled. “Are you REALLY loyal to our Dark Lord?” “I, umm, well, y-yes, of c-course,” stammered Peter. “Wormtail knows better than to cross me. Don’t you Wormtail?” Voldemort warned, raising his wand to touch the tip of Peter’s nose. “I, would n-never!” Peter cried, as he shielded his face with his hand; the light glinting off his silver fingers. “Umm, Snape, how’s that potion coming?” Malfoy called out, hoping to break the tension. Severus entered, holding an ornate goblet filled with a bubbling concoction. “This. Will have to. Do,” Severus said “It’s not quite. Finished. But I seem. To have. Misplaced my spoon.” He handed Lucius the cup. Before he could take a sip, the group were startled by a loud *thooonk* “MY HAND!” cried Peter, lifting the empty stump where his silver hand once sat. A mischievous little niffler scampered off with the hand, but not before looking back and flashing a hint of gold in its mouth. “My tooth! The little bugger’s got my tooth!” roared Fenrir, lumbering after the rodent. Fenrir, Peter and Nagini frantically attempted to catch the niffler; crashing into furniture and knocking over knick-knacks. “Drink up.” Severus said to Lucius, with a wink, and whispered more quietly, “Trust me.” Curious, amongst the pandemonium that the fleeing niffler had caused, Lucius took a sip of Severus’ potion. Immediately, a long rattling wheeze escaped his lungs. The feeling of drowning overcame him, and he began to gasp for air. “Oh Darn. I must have. Mixed up the shiitake mushrooms with. The death-cap mushrooms. I seem to have. Accidentally brewed. Death-Cap Draught.” Snape said, to the room. Lucious’ eyes widened in horror. “I have a bezoar. At home. We’ll have to. Leave. Unfortunately,” Snape continued, with a slight smirk. “Oh, if you must!” lamented Voldemort “We’ll have to re-schedule our team building exercises for another time then. I hear paintball is a hoot.” Peter and Fenrir paused their pursuit of the niffler, to gawk at their master.

Severus, stared at him dumbfounded.

Lucius continued coughing and retching.

A single drop of drool fell from the corner Barty’s mouth. “No? How about lazer tag? Less messy.” Voldemort looked at them with an excited grin, “Or I know! How about one of those breakout rooms, that’s all the rage with the muggles? We could go in there and alohomora that shit. We’ll have it solved in record time, and the muggles will think we’re geniuses! I mean, I actually am a genius, but you could be too! C’mon man! What d’ya say??” “Gotta catch that niffler,” Peter and Fenrir say together, edging for the door.

“Must. Be off. Before Malfoy. Bites it.” Snape quips, grabbing a handful of floo powder.

Lucius clutched at Severus’ robes, while panting for air.

Barty’s head drooped to his chest. As the others left, Voldemort approached Barty, sitting on the floor.

“Well, I guess it’s just you and me now. Hey pal?” Voldemort said, giving him a nudge.

Barty fell over. Voldemort propped him back up, into a seated position. He placed a marshmallow on the end of a skewer, poked the skewer in the crook of Barty’s elbow, and positioned the marshmallow towards the fire. He then slowly turned, and slid himself down to the floor, back-to-back with Barty. He leaned his head back, to rest against the back of Barty’s head, and sighed. Almost as a whisper, he began to softly sing.

”I am happy as a squirrel, as long as I’m with Mr. Quirrell…”

#harry potter #a very potter musical #voldemort #lucius #professor snape #barty crouch junior #fenrir greyback #peter pettigrew #crack #lonley #slumber party #niffler #truth or dare #sardines

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oldfashionedmoth · 3 years

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Thanks for tagging me @jenniboo311. How fun!

Tag game: list songs you’ve been listening to on repeat.

My top 10 this week:

1. Pentatonix - When the party’s over

2. Grandson - 6:00

3. Harry Styles – Falling

4. Poor Man’s Poison – Feed the Machine

5. Borns – Electric Love

6. Ed Sheeran & Travis Scott – Antisocial

7. Troye Sivan – Talk Me Down

8. The Used – Paradise Lost, A Poem By John Milton

9. The Bleachers- I Wanna Get Better

10. Des Rocs – The Past Has Passed Away

Honourable Mention: Your Broken Hero – A Letter To Ashley

Thanks for the tag @probablyprocrastinatingrightnow :)

Tag game: list songs you’ve been listening to on repeat.

My top 10 this week:

-The Lucky Ones - Pentatonix

-Smoke - Willyecho

-We Did It!!! - grandson

-Reason for Living - Morgan Page

-Victorious - Sam Tinnesz, burnboy

-The Girl Who Stole My Heart - Blue October

-Say Something - Justin Timberlake, Chris Stapleton

-No Sanctuary - UNSECRET, Sam Tinnesz, Fleurie

-Fumes - Twin Wild

-Pain Shopping - grandson

Tagging: @oldfashionedmoth

#my music #tag game #tunes

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oldfashionedmoth · 3 years

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Fred and George do QVC

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It was a bright, sunny, Saturday afternoon, and Harry Potter was stuck inside folding laundry. He stared longingly at the window, wishing he was anywhere but here. Lately, he had been feeling listless and filled with ennui. His life at the Dursley’s was considerably less exciting than his life at school. Albeit, he didn’t have a crazed, nose-less, master wizard, trying to murder him here; but even that might have been an improvement, to the boredom he had felt all summer. He glanced across the room at his Aunt Petunia, who lounged on the sofa, half asleep. He wondered if she’d notice if he escaped outside, for a breath of fresh air. Uncle Vernon had just left, with Dudley and his friends, to see a professional football match. This was one of the numerous birthday surprises his aunt and uncle had lavished their son with. Harry would have liked to had gone too, but he was told “the laundry wasn’t going to fold itself.”

“If I were allowed to use magic outside of school, the laundry certainly *would* fold itself.” Harry thought bitterly.

The TV chattered away in the background.

“…and just so we’re clear, these are dishwasher safe?”

“Yes, that’s right, Antonella. The Scrub Daddy is absolutely dishwasher safe.”

“And remember, you’re getting 12 of these! Order code 63528, when you call in.”

“Yes, and just quickly…because I know we are running out of time… I wanted to show you that the design for these is not just a smiley face. These are fully functional. Put your two fingers in the eye holes like so, and it stays on your fingers. That’s going to be fantastic for getting inside of mugs, cups, you name it.”

“Wow! that’s ingenious!”

The presenter turned and addressed the camera directly, holding the item for sale.

“Look! Here is what you’re getting, guys. And this packaging! Ah! This custom packaging is exclusive to QVC, guys. And, all this could be yours, for 4 easy payments of $7.49. Amazing!”

The camera zoomed in, on the presenter’s face.

“Coming up, we have a couple of young entrepreneurs, showing us their latest confections. I’m sure we all know someone with a sweet tooth. Just wait till you see what these boys have in store for us today. But first, make sure you get your orders in for the Scrub Daddy. These things are selling like hot cakes!”

The shot cut to a pre-recorded infomercial, for Scrub Daddy sponges.

“Hmmph!” Aunt Petunia snorted “I should order some of those for you, so you’ll stop ruining my pots!”

Harry muttered under his breath “Well, if you fixed the dishwasher, instead of using me as your personal slave, I wouldn’t have to scrub the pots.”

“What was that?!” snapped Aunt Petunia, “You ungrateful little brat! After all your uncle and I have done for you; taking you in, like we did, after your parents…well…You should be ecstatic that I even offered to buy you anything!”

In a huff, she snatched the remote control off the coffee table and turned up the volume.

Harry put the folded laundry in the basket and stood to bring them upstairs.

“Up next, we have twins Fred and George Weasley, of Weasley Wizard Wheezes, here with us today. Welcome boys!”

Harry froze, gobsmacked. Much to his disbelief, there was his best friend’s older brothers, peddling their wares on QVC. One was wearing an evening tailcoat, which was neon orange with lime green polka dots. His trousers were also neon orange, but with a lime green tuxedo stripe running down each leg. The other twin was wearing the same tailcoat and tuxedo trousers, but in inverse colors to his brother. In contrast to the loudness of their jackets, both boys were wearing black cravats around their necks, giving them a ‘Victorian Regency on acid’ kind of look.

“Thanks for having us, Antonella. We’re happy to be here!” said one of the twins

“Remind us to buy a pack of those Scrub Daddies, before we leave.” said the other, “Our Dad would get such a kick out of them. Sponges with smiley faces. What a concept! Haha!”

His brother leaned into him, and theatrically whispered “We don’t need them ourselves. We can just use Malfoy’s head.” He held up two fingers in a sideways peace sign, and pretended to poke his brother in both eyes. “His hair is great at soaking up grease.”

The twins snickered together, as the presenter, unperturbed, carried on with the sales pitch.

“Fred and George have brought with them some of their Skiving Snackbox candies. Now, judging by the names of some of these, I think these would be perfect as a novelty get-well present, for someone in your life who’s been feeling a little under the weather. There’s something for every ailment. We’ve got ‘fever fudge’, ‘fainting fancies’, ‘nosebleed nougat’ and last but not least, ‘puking pastilles.’ Hehe! Now, what made you boys come up with this concept, for these sweets?”

“Well,” said Fred, “they’re not exactly for someone who’s already sick."

"That could result in some disastrous side effects.” quipped George

Fred turned to the camera and added “Always read the labels, kids!”

George continued, “They make you temporarily ill, if for example, you wanted the day off work. You pop in a fainting fancy. Bob’s your uncle-Fanny’s your Aunt, suddenly your GP has prescribed you a day of bed rest.”

“Oh, but totally 100% all muggle, I mean natural. 100% all natural.” Fred interjected

“Yes, definitely nothing magical about these candies at all.” George agreed, with a sheepish grin.

“Oh, I get it!” exclaimed the host, “That’s just like the Natural Herbal Detox Tea, we had on the show last month. This may be TMI, but I swear I was on the toilet for a week, after that segment! Hehehe!”

Fred laughed and said, “Now would be a good time for me to tell one of my poop jokes.”

George replied “Nah, they always stink!”

“Hey-oh!” they cried, while high-fiving each other.

“You know what you needed?” Fred asked the host, “The Skiving Snackbox’s companion product, ‘You-No-Poo’. Guaranteed to cause crippling constipation in less than 3 minutes!”

“The constipation sensation, that’s gripping the nation!” exclaimed George

“Well, being conscious of time, lets move right along.” Antonella said, “Our viewers at home are probably wondering ‘but how do they taste?’ Let’s find out, shall we?”

She popped a candy into her mouth, and immediately started retching.

“NOOO!” the twins shouted in unison.

“You’re not supposed to eat the whole thing at once!” lamented Fred

“You’re only supposed eat half!” followed George

“The antidote is in the second half.” continued Fred

The poor unsuspecting host began urging in a rhythmic way, “Blech...Blech...Blech...Blech...”

“Oh no!” wailed George “I think she’s stuck in vom-limbo.”

“Both sides of the sweet must be working against each other!” added Fred

“It’s simultaneously trying to make her be sick, and also keeping any sick from coming up.” George concurred.

Panic-stricken, Fred started rifling through his rugsack. He began removing items and throwing them behind him. A roll of parchment; a quill; various bottles and vials; a bowler hat; a cup of tea, complete with saucer; a set of fireworks, which exploded upon impact with the floor; a broom; a Yorkshire pudding; a literal kitchen sink...

Between urges, Antonella asked “How...blech...did...blech...you...blech...fit...blech...all...blech...that...blech...in...blech...there?”

“Never mind that now! Here, eat this!” bellowed Fred, shoving the found antidote in the host’s mouth.

Finally, the retching stopped, but with it came a lengthy spew of vomit across the set, with such ferocity it rivaled Linda Blair in the exorcist. The show quickly switched to camera angle “B” to avoid broadcasting Antonella’s lost lunch to the viewers.

“I think it’s best we...uhh...take a little break,” the presenter said shakily, wiping tears and vomit from her face. “ugh... Up next we have Ken Oschipok with his beautifully iridescent Ammolite and White Zircon silver rings...ahh...oh...just a second, my producer is telling me something...”

She touched her finger to her ear, turned away from the camera and hissed into her mic “What do you mean you can’t find the rings? A Platypus? Are…are you sure it was a platypus? How did a platypus get in here, and why would it steal our merchandise?”

Fred and George exchanged worried glances.

The presenter looked back to camera, with a wide grin plastered on her face, “Sorry guys, we are just having a little bit of...umm...technical difficulties. We’ll be right back wi...OH!”

Suddenly a red envelope swooped down out of nowhere, flicked Antonella across the nose and stopped abruptly in front of the twins. A loud but shrill voice echoed throughout the studio.

"FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY! OF ALL THE COCKAMAMIE STUNTS YOU’VE EVER PULLED — MUGGLE TV? YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU! IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I RECEIVED A CALL FROM RITA SKEETER, ASKING FOR A QUOTE FROM THE DELINQUENTS’ MOTHER — I NEVER — IN ALL MY DAYS — YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK ~ AGAIN! AS IF THE MINISTRY HASN’T BEEN FACING ENOUGH BACKLASH, AFTER THAT NIFFLER GETTING LOOSE, NOW THIS? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU TWO COME HOME THIS INSTANT!!!"

Once the assault on everyone’s ears subsided, the presenter unsteadily staggered out of shot, with her hand on her forehead, murmuring “I think I need a nap, or a drink, or both”

The screen cut to another pre-recorded infomercial; a cheerful rock jingle began to play.

You wanna skip class, but not look like an ass? If you want an excuse; What have you got to lose? You better show some moxie, Grab a Skiving Snack Box-y From Weasley- Wizard - Wheezes!

Harry stood slack jawed, in the living room, transfixed by what had just played out on the tv in front of him. Clean laundry scattered around his feet, from where he’d dropped the basket.

“Bloody Hell! Those crazy troll bogeys!” He thought with a grin. A shocked guffaw escaped his throat.

Aunt Petunia gave him a scandalized glare and shrieked “I suppose you have something to do with this?”

Harry scooped all the laundry into his arms and dashed upstairs before she could chastise him any further. Although, he imagined any tongue-lashing Aunt Petunia could give him, would pale in comparison to the dressing down the twins were probably getting, from Molly Weasley, right now. She is one fierce boss-witch.

“Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Burrow, right now” Harry said to himself, with a chuckle. “I can’t wait to hear the details from Ron!”

#Harry Potter #fred & george weasley #skiving snack box #weasley wizard wheezes #qvc

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oldfashionedmoth · 3 years

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oldfashionedmoth · 3 years

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Good Vibrations

Find it here on AO3

“Phasma?” Julie typed into the group chat. She had received a new Oculus VR headset for Christmas, and she was anxious to try it out. “Hopefully the gang are up for a game of Phasmophobia tonight” she thought.

Before long she received responses from her two best friends, Jake and Will. They were both in.

“Hey, does anyone mind if I invite my friend Gus to play too?” Jake asked.

Julie rolled her eyes, and stared at her phone, praying for Will to say no. Gus is a total tool, but she didn’t want to be the one to say so.

“…”

Will was typing!

“C’mon, c’mon. Tell him to batter-da-Jesus!” Julie thought. “He just gets in the way”

But alas, his reply to Jake was “Yeah, sure! The more the merrier.”

“You’re too nice, Will, but I guess that’s why I like you” Julie thought with a smile, as she replied with a simple thumb’s up emoji. “Oh well, I guess we’re going to have to babysit Gus again, tonight”

She fired up her sleeping computer and logged onto Discord, and the game.

“Can everyone hear me?” she inquired

“yep”

“yup”

Jake and Will replied in tandem

“Guuuuusssss? You there?” Julie asked

Silence

“GUS???”

Silence

“Is Gus playing with us or what?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m here.”

“Nice of you to join us.” Julie can already feel her blood pressure rising.

Will, who had already amassed a small fortune in the game, loaded the equipment for everyone playing.

“Thank-you, Daddy.” Julie said with a smirk, as she slid her VR headset on.

“You know how I feel about that word!” retorted Will; his protest sounding more flirtatious than threatening.

“What’s wrong, Daddy? You know I love my sugar-daddy.”

“Oh, you love me now? This is a new development” Will purred

“Haha, alright you two!” Jake interjected. “the sexual tension is weirding us out. Right Gus?”

“Gus?”

“He might be AFK?”

“What the flip is he doing AFK? We’re about to start now!”

“No, I’m here.” Gus finally chimed in.

“Ok, are we ready to do this? Will asked. “I vote for Intermediate, Grafton Farmhouse.”

All parties agreed, and the game transported them to the truck. Jake, and Will began memorizing the information on the whiteboard, while Julie practiced getting used to using VR.

“Witness a ghost event, stop the ghost from hunting with a crucifix, and get a photo of dirty water. Ugh! This has to be the worst combo of tasks” Will lamented. “Name is Mark Taylor”

“Hey Mark Taylor! Where are you motherfucker?” Gus yelled.

The others turned around to discover Gus had already left the truck and had Leroy Jenkins’ed himself into the haunted cabin, ahead of the others.

“Gus, man, why did you do that?” Will interrogated him, “You started the clock before any of us even had our equipment picked out.”

Gus ignored him, and continued to yell obscenities at the ghost. The others quickly picked their equipment and followed inside.

“Boner Alert!” Julie exclaimed, shortly after entering. She took a picture of the bone evidence, that was in the kitchen, and picked it up.

“Well, that’s great! Your boner will go nicely with my caulk.” ribbed Will, standing in front of her, with two tubes of caulking he found in the storage area.

Upstairs, they could hear Gus yelling “Hey pussy! Hey Dickhead! Are you afraid of me? You prick. Mark García, show yourself!”

“Hey Gussss,” Julie remarked, “It’s Mark Taylor, not Garcia. And how about we NOT antagonize the ghost before we have to?”

Gus started shouting “Hey Mark Taylor. Mark! Marky-Mark! Where’s the funky bunch?”

Jake called from upstairs, “We got freezing temps!”

They all converged on the landing at the top of the stairs, when Will’s EMF reader went off. “We have EMF of 5 too.”

“I’ll go out and get the video camera from the truck” Julie said

“I’ll come too. I’ll stay in the truck and watch for orbs, once you get the camera laid down” said Will

On their way out of the house they notice a bunch of plates and cutlery on the ground. “Hmm, looks like someone is already starting a yardsale” Julie mused.

“Yeah, probably Gus!” Will said, chuckling

They barely exited the building before the front door slammed shut behind them, and the lights inside the house start flashing.

“It’s hunting! Hide!” Will said to the two others, still trapped inside.

After a few minutes the flashing subsided, and Julie went back inside to lay the video camera down.

“I found a voodoo doll.” Said Jake. He threw it down and it scampered across the floor. Julie took a stationary picture of it, as evidence. Jake picked the doll back up and said “I’m going to take him with me.”

Gus was standing in the corner by himself, singing “Yo, it’s about that time. To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. I’m a get mine, so get yours. I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores…”

Will called out from the truck, “We have orbs! It’s a phantom. We have the ghost event objective now too. All we need now is the crucifix and photo of dirty water”

Suddenly the lights started to flash again. Everyone shut up and disbursed to hide.

When the hunt was over, Jake went back to the truck to get a crucifix. “Hey, does someone already have a crucifix laid down? There’s only one left here”

“No, not me.” Julie replied.

“Nope, me either” said Will

“On the house tip is how I’m swinging this. Strictly hip-hop boy, I ain’t singing this. Bringing this to the entire nation. Black, white, red, brown. Feel the vibration…” rapped Gus

The flashlights started flashing again. “It’s hunting!” they all say together.

“It’s following you, Gus” Will whispered from the truck. “run!”

The ghost chased Gus around the cabin for a while, before eventually running out of steam. The hunt ended with Gus narrowly escaping being killed.

“This is no fun! Why is it targeting me?” He whined

“Well, I dunno, it might have something to do with you saying its name a thousand times, and you won’t stop singing that stupid song?” Julie exclaimed, exasperated “And why are you still holding the crucifix? Put it down, for the love of God, man. It doesn’t work if you’re just holding it!”

But it was no use. She had already lost his attention, and he was on his way back to the truck for more supplies, singing, “It’s such a - GOOD VIBRATION!!”

Jake laid down the crucifix he had, and before long Will was calling from the truck “You got the crucifix objective. Now all you need is dirty water.”

“Do you guys hear water running” Julie asked. Will and Jake said no, they didn’t hear anything besides Gus’ singing.

Julie checked all the sinks upstairs but found nothing. But she could still hear the tap running. She went downstairs to check the kitchen sink and discovered Gus’ little art project. He had found the Ouija board and had encircled it with all the candles and glow sticks from the truck.

“I made a séance circle!” Gus proudly exclaimed, before asking the board “Where are you?”

The planchet slowly moved across the board. D-I

“Dining room?” Jake guessed. “I thought for sure it was upstairs”

E-G-U-S

“DIEGUS? What’s DIEGUS?”

“Die Gus?” Julie suggested

For the first time in the game, Gus was completely quiet. A pregnant pause suspended between the four players. Finally, Gus said “Ahh, you know what guys, my connection is being kinda glitchy tonight.” And with that he dropped out of the game.

Will laughed and said “I don’t think his computer was being glitchy. He just got spooked. That’s a really cool addition to the game, though. They must have added the capability of the Ouija board to use our own names, in the latest update.”

“Yes, very cool!” Julie replied, except her voice came out deep, and robotic. “Ooh, I take it back! Maybe it is being glitchy tonight. Hahaha!”

Will and Jake both burst out laughing at the absurdity of her voice.

“That was so creepy!” Will exclaimed. “You sounded demonic! Hahaha!”

“You know what, we’re never going to get the dirty water. Do you guys want to just call it?” Jake asked, “whatever issues we are having now, might fix itself in the next round.”

“Yeah, I’m done with this one. Come back to the truck.” Will replied

Once in the truck, Jake aimlessly tossed down the voodoo doll he had been holding. Instantly, the doll skittered towards Julie, made a leap, and attached itself to Julie’s face.

In her room, Julie screamed and tore off her VR headset, her heart pounding from adrenaline. She’d never seen the doll do that before. “There must have been a few new updates” she thought, “very creepy additions!”

Julie considered putting the headset back on, but hesitated. She was still shaken up by the image of that gingerbread man-motherfucker flying at her face.

“Do I hear water running?” she said aloud. She thought for sure she could hear the faucet on, in her en suite bathroom, but that was impossible since she was home alone and the front door was locked.

Suddenly, the lights start flashing on an off. No, not the lights. Her vision. Julie’s vision was strobing between 20/20 to complete and utter darkness. Panicked she got up and blindly stumbled across her room and into the bathroom. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she could see movement by the toilet, but she was thrust into blackness before she could investigate further. When her vision returned, nothing was there.

The sink, however, was turned on and filling up with putrid sludge.

Julie threw herself across the room, and felt around for the tap to turn off the faucet. As suddenly as her eye malfunction came, it returned to normal. Gone was the blinking blindness. Julie’s heart hammered inside her chest. “What the fuck was that?”

*ding ding* chimed Julie’s phone. She’d just received a text. With a sweaty shaky hand, Julie fished her phone out of her pocket. It was a text from Gus. But it wasn’t from the group chat. It read,

“Sure, I guess. But aren’t you still playing with the guys?”

Confused, Julie scrolled up to read the text before this one. It looked like it came from her, but that was not likely. Gus was Jake’s friend. He’s only played with them a few times, and she’s only messaged him in the group chat before. Why would she ever private message him? It read,

“Sorry you got booted from the game. Do you want to play with me now? Just you and me?”

Ok, by now Julie had started to believe this was all an elaborate prank. Playing Phasmophobia alone with Gus would be horrible! She would never text him that.

Julie began texting back “Hey sorry, I’m not really up for another round tonight. I think I’m just going to go to bed.” She saw her thumbs moving swiftly across the keyboard, but something was wrong. Were they even hitting the letters she intended to press? Looking up at the text screen she observed what she had typed. “No, I want to play with you, just you. I have a special surprise for you.”

Julie slowly looked up, into the mirror, and grinned. Except the angle of her lips were wrong; crooked and sinister. This wasn’t Julie’s smile.

Julie helplessly stared into the mirror, as something else stared back at her.

“No one calls me Marky-Mark and gets away with it”

#phasmophobia #fanfic #gaming #humor

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