only-sunday

[only-sunday]

On the first day of Christmas... 

It's my favourite time of year! This year I honestly started getting festive feels in September. I spent a week or two doing nothing but watch Zoella or Rose&Rosie vlogmas videos, I was searching nearly every day for christmas decor and present ideas and maybe even snuck in a holiday movie or two. Super obsessed. To be honest it eve kind of ruined halloween for me this year because all I wanted to do was celebrate CRIMAS already.  For as long as I can remember all I've ever wanted is to live somewhere that gets cold at Christmas time. Honestly I feel it in my soul that that's where I’m supposed to be. One day ill be living in the UK where it gets real dark real early and I have an endless amount of giant puffy coats to go out into the city and there's snow and there's festive christmas events with carols and mulled wine and WOW. I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.  For now we make the most of chilly aircon on a 45 degree day and pretend its cold. And we fill the house with cheap and tacky junk that feels cozy and festive. And we start traditions that will keep going forever and ever when we’re old, blue and wrinkly.  One of these traditions includes a gift advent that I've done up for SJ. Its all just silly knick-knacks that is mostly junk with a Christmas theme to it but there's a few special ones snuck in too. The first gift was also a second tradition we’re starting- a Christmas puzzle. We can spend the month, in between work and uni, working away at our cute little Christmas scene puzzle. 

I decided I wanted to document as much of this month as possible so hopefully I’ll be able to jump on here every couple of days to type up the activities of the day to remember them in those blue wrinkly days. Now I’m off to listen to Blue Christmas on repeat 

[only-sunday]

Hi hello yes ok I disappeared for a while, I know, I’m sorry. Things have been crazy here! I just wanted to do a few quick and dodgy update before I start my Christmas posts.

I got a new job back in September and I've kind of made that my life while I get settled in (hello constant over-achiever). Ive actually picked things up quite quickly which is very exciting but it still feels very challenging because a permanent position at this job isn't guaranteed. Im getting along really well with the team and my manager who has also made it very clear to me how much respect she has for me and how much she is willing to support me as I've shared my current struggle with depression. Its a very strange but comforting feeling to be working somewhere that actually feels safe to just be the way that I am and that Im not going to get punished for just feeling my feels, you know? I’m also doing tri 3 at uni which is fun but its been quite intense having no real structure like I did at my old job, and im working a whole lot more- of course im stoked about this but it has totally thrown the work/uni balance completely out of whack. At my old job, I was so fucking miserable there, I used to take as much time off as possible, which was perfect for getting uni done but its making adjusting to the new work schedule very difficult.

Anywhoooooooo enough whining. Good things have been happening- overall feeling much better re depression so good things have been going on. In early November, Sj and I went to Melbourne to celebrate our anniversary which was an amazing trip that managed to strike absolutely perfect balance between exploring and relaxing. we basically went on an extreme food tour and wandered the streets and then turned in early to the hotel to lay in bed, watch tv and eat room service. Ive made a video - one that im actually really proud of - documenting the whole thing (just trying to sort out the issue with my dumb dumb computer so I can actually finish it!!)  But the quick rundown is”

day one:  Up at 5am and head to the airport to fly to Melbs. Once we arrive, we explore hotel, order a quick bite to eat, walk around the city for a bit, head to the shops for snack supply and then head back to hotel for movies and an early night.

Day two: Up early to explore Fitzroy- basically just all to cool boutiques, vintage store, epic thrift store and then restaurant after restaurant until we were too full to move. We made friends with the girl who worked at a cool store called ‘Princess Highway’ which is all clothing made by female artists. we then went home and got all dolled up before heading in to Fitzroy again so we could go to Smith & Daughters - an amazing vegan restaurant with a chef I've been obsessed with for years! day 3: we explored the CBD, went to the smith and deli for more vegan food, went to the Harry Potter store inside Myer, went to the kitkat store and then managed to stumble upon the newly opened morph store where we picked up some Conspiracy goodies!!

hopefully I can get my computer sorted soon because I am really proud of the video I've stared to create. I was inspired by Helen Andersons Canada Travel Vlog-umentary.

In other news, ummmmmm. oh! I've started a garden! SJ and I collected the seeds from the Woolworths - spend $30 and get some seeds- and I've finally started to give them life. Currently my kitchen window sill is covered in little plant babies who are ready to be changed over to pots (I actually put gardening supplies on my Christmas wish list because Im so fucking old) and they make me so happy! My friend Arty told me that plants can be really good for helping with depression and when I bought this up with my friend Bennet who is absolutely plant obsessed, he confirmed that plants actually mimic our energy while helping to uplift our mood which I think is exactly what my plant babies are doing!

hmmmmm okay I think that's its, job, plants, Melbourne. talk tomorrow maybe okay byeeeeeeeeeee

[only-sunday]

Check out our latest video------> The Birthday Vlog. A lil birthday feels and reflections post is coming soon but first, take a look at everything we did to celebrate turning 22! Check out why this was my most favourite birthday of all time. 

[only-sunday]

Let me give you a little back ground into who I actually am besides the already established manic-depressive (perfectionist was also discussed in therapy today. yay.) and you know.. a Leo. 

So I am exactly two weeks away from the ripe old age of 22 years old. I was born in a small town just outside of Newcastle where i spent my life growing right up until my 19th birthday when I got really, really drunk and decided that moving to the Gold Coast in Queensland would be a “really sick idea dude!”, so I pilled my childhood bedroom into my trusty Corolla and off I went.  I began my year here deferring my online uni degree in public relations (a degree I had decided on doing in a round about way a real long time before actually starting) to get settled in my new place which quickly turned into not wanting to go back to online study at all  and instead I applied for an internship as an assistant to a Public Relations specialist who ran a consultancy from the inside of her 120 square foot home office as an attempt to get into the business  working my way up instead of studying my way up. Turns out- that fucking sucked! ( Don't get me wrong my boss was cool but I had no idea what I was doing half the time so I spent most days pretending to work and secretly utilising the texting function on my laptop to talk to my friends about meeting up at our fav bar later that day to drink endless pints of beer) But! naive me thought maybe it was just that particular setting so instead I enrolled my butt into on campus uni to start a Bachelor of Arts with a major in PR. This is where I thrived in every single subject I took BESIDES the ones related to PR but I still continued to tell myself everything was okay.  I got a job working as a barista, a job I still have and a job I still hate but its okay cause it pays my bills and works around uni well and I've met some of the greatest friends I ever could have imagined through it. (these are the things I tell myself on repeat while I'm getting ready at 7am or while I’m dealing with piece of shit asshole customers. “I love my job, I NEED my job” etc.) I do also have a mild coffee addiction so there's always that to keep me going. 

Eventually, however, my chemically imbalanced brain took over things slowly began to fall apart. I was obviously miserable at uni and clearly not doing what I was supposed to be doing. Work got gradually worse as my friends began to move on to bigger and better things - amazing for them! devastating for me! I had a relationship that almost ruined me and my depression took over so intensely that when I finally worked up the courage to speak to someone the first thing the doctor says to me was “hmm sounds like borderline agoraphobia to me”.  I mean I really don't want to get too deep into my 2018 Brittany breakdown right now but just imagine never leaving the house, like, ever, calling random family members every day to just hysterically cry about nothing, all my hair falling out, the works. Honestly it was fucking rough. 

But then came “the change”. That Leo season change that fixes everything! 

----SIDE NOTE : Again, I'm not trying to discount my own hard work and the gut wrenching pain that I went through not only in this extremely dark time but also the pain I went through trying to make things better for myself but sometimes its easy to deal with our feeling through comedy and for me this comes through my little astrology/Leo season joke. I know it fake but its my small hope I hold onto - like shooting stars or preying or whatever the fuck you need to do to cope

I started going to therapy- a rocky start but eventually figured out. I made a decision to change my degree. I took my long time love of true crime & murder and combined it with my intense fascination with the human brain and decided to go all out on a DOUBLE degree of psychological science/ criminology & criminal justice. Fun right! To be honest I’d never even thought of putting my crime love into a degree or a career, I just thought I was destined to be the weird kid at the party that actually gets enjoyment from spouting endless gory facts about some really, really fucked up shit. I also did that whole dumb thing of “Well I’m super, SUPER interested in the human brain and all aspects of psychology and how it works and even the physical brain like neuroscience and stuff but oh no way I couldn't study it I'm nowhere near smart enough for that stuff” WHAT THE FUCK! THATS SUCH BULLSHIT! Heads up whoever the heck ends up reading this- if this is regularly your answer to stuff- you're wrong! Have a little faith in yourself and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise and fuck anything that tries to get in your way! A little faith and you'll achieve good things.  Now one of the reasons I love Leo Season if because of the unwavering self confidence that usually comes with it. Don't get me wrong I'm still probably the most insecure person you’ll ever meet but during Leo Season there's just this BOOST that happens and suddenly I feel like my real personality starts to actually shine on through. That pink loving, should-have -grown-up-in-the-80′s gal comes out and I feel like the girl having fun who inspired Cyndi to write that song I love oh so much. For example, one night I got super dressed up in my fav very 80s outfit, threw on my favourite over embellished oxfords, some dramatic lightening bolt earrings and I took myself on a date to see the gorgeous Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. Later that night I decide that I loved my own company and my own idea of fun so much that I changed the notes on my dating profile that essentially stated ‘don't bother if you're not this great’ and included a rule about must being willing to sit though endless horror, cult classics and literally anything Winona Ryder has ever starred in. A few days later I recieved a message “But what's your favourite Winona film?” which as it turns out came from the most amazing, generous, funny, gorgeous, sweetest, most perfect, most brilliant, most caring, most phenomenal girl in the entire history, ever was ever will be. 2 months later we moved in together.  Leo Season man! It really does it to ya!  So anywaaaaaays. Here I am, a year later, enjoying the first days of the seasonal change and getting ready to conquer some great shit and doing it all looking great wearing the most amazing, tackiest 80s loving shit. I didn't realise I could talk this much about myself and honestly I haven't even finished! We still have to cover all my interest - id say like 5 essays per interest, and LORD HELP YOU when we start talking politics cause baby I got some shit. to. say.  But I guess all of this will do for now. Talk soon x 

[only-sunday]

Im going to try and start positive. Honestly I've tried to start a blog of some sort so many different times and its never really worked out but I'm all for some positive affirmations and my therapist is always saying that I should stop always focusing on the things I do wrong so I'm going to think of all my other blog starting posts as practices for this really amazing and cool new one that I'm starting right now. So let me start again and give an intro real quick.. 

Hello! welcome to my BRAND NEW blog! Okay, great, done. 

This is one of the few non-work/university related hobbies I'm testing out in an attempt to give my mental health a little boost and keep my brain functioning semi normally. One of the ways I keep my brain from totally exploding is writing its entire contents onto paper or into a computer journal. I find this helps calm the noise inside my busy, chemically imbalanced brain and acts as a relief system. It also creates a  good ‘user manual’ to take into my therapy sessions instead of paying hundreds of dollars to sit in uncomfortable silence and, on a more positive note I guess, it helps me keep memories. Remembering certain days, certain feelings or life stages, even tracking well-being & general mental health improvement is something I find easy when I'm writing it all down. Now obviously I'm not going to be sharing all of those journal entires on a super public internet forum for the entire world to see because I don't really think that leaking my naked vulnerability is going to give me the same success in return as it did for Kim K and Ray J so I'm going to stick the the rules of “some things are better left unsaid.. or just not leaked on porn sights specifically for riches and world domination”. No judgment Kimmy.  Instead this is where I'll post my more PG stream of consciousness along with some pictures of things I like, videos of things I've done and thoughts I wish to share. I want to document my other de-depression-ing hobbies that I'm trying to include into my life as well as finally fulfilling my dreams of being a real life blogger and posting my outfits, my outings and my reviews of things. All while simultaneously improving my astonishingly low self-confidence (because to-be-fucking-honest I'm getting a little sick of not doing all the things I reeeeeeally wanna do thanks to that bullshit little dude named “self-esteem”. fuck that guy he SUCKS).  My girlfriend and I recently started a youtube channel, thanks to her beautiful friend Hannah, which started out as a joke but has actually turned into a fun little hobby for us. I like the process of filming for memory-keeping purposes but the actual editing and fine tuning of the video itself is what's most fun for me. I have no idea what I'm doing the whole time, so the challenge combined with creative energy required is a really good source of good timey feels for me- thus the basis of this blog. With working almost full-time and studying 2 degrees at university, its hard to have full days of film worthy content, which means my new and beloved vlogging hobby is now taking weeks to have a video worth posting. So I thought why not get back into blogging where I can post texts and some pictures that require a little less time, a little less editing and can help my general well-being in the process. Great idea right?! yeah duh of course!  Now here's the thing. I, just like my split in-half bi-polar brain, like to split my year into two different seasons. The first half- the shit half- is January through July (more mid July-ish I guess, depending on the whole mercury/retrograde thing) is when I'm experiencing what I call my “growing pains”. Its the part of the year that I feel moves the quickest and is usually filled with lost of sadness and tears and not a whole lot to look forward to. I hate this part of the year. But then come Leo Season. Now I'm not super into/knowledgeable of astrology etc but I do absolutely, without a doubt feel a change when Leo Season hits. And it hits hard. My self confidence is suddenly through the roof, I feel so much happier and more excited and I start to get really excited for all the good events coming up for the rest of the year. Now I'm not trying to totally discount my mental health here. I still have my MASSIVE downs and up, I still need to go to therapy and do all my other things I do to stay alive but there is a general change in who I am. My super confident, all-pink-everything, 80s loving alter ego comes out and she tends to sick around for the rest of the year while really kicking my years 2nd season off with a bang. Then following that comes, Halloween (a real favourite of mine), my anniversaries, thanksgiving (big celebration in my house hold), end of year uni celebrations, the almightily Christmas which tbh I love so much I can't even get into it in this post and then finally New Years. And as much as I really prefer winter over summer, there really is something about summer holidays that a love so much. Everyone is always getting together with other people to have fun and celebrate something, there's always lots of laughing, lots of alcohol, and pretty much no-one wants to do nothing every cause we’re all just on one big summer vacation despite all still going to our full time jobs everyday. This 2nd season of the year truly is the best. So all pf these feel good things to look forward to are something that's most definitely going to contribute to my postings.  Along with all of this I'm going to post some food recipes, some currently reading & book reviews, my YouTube videos, my outfits, my attempts to create a more eco-sustainable household, my little garden that I'm going to start soon, some photos that make me happy and my thoughts that I need to get off my chest. 

So I’m going to try and stay positive because honestly I've tried to start a blog of some sort so many different times and its never really worked out but I really feel that maybe this time could be a little bit different. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.