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A Screwtape Letter for the Unappreciated Mom -C.S. Lewis

My Dear Wormwood,

I was thrilled to hear you have been making progress with the mother.  You have a good lead, from what I hear.  She’s feels over-worked, unappreciated, and discouraged?  I’m so glad to hear it.  If you tread carefully, this can be a great opportunity.  With the kids waking her up every hour last night, we already have an advantage.  A tired Mom makes for a more emotional Mom, and an emotional Mom is a vulnerable one.

I do have a few tips.  First, aim your best efforts at her marriage.

As you know, we cannot do much with a unified marriage.  Luckily for us, a cranky and exhausted wife can do wonders to change that.  We must convince her that her husband is no longer the friend and ally she first married.  Instead, we must reveal every sin and selfish habit, especially drawing attention to his thoughtless actions (mal-intended or not) against her.

Sometimes it’s the less obvious things, things the husband doesn’t even realize, that we can use to offend her the most.  When he comes home from work and dumps his things on the counter nearest the door (instead of hanging his coat or putting away his keys), let her think of it as a direct assault on her work as a homekeeper.  When he treks mud in with his shoes, let her think it is because he does not love her.  Such extremes of thought may seem ridiculous to you or I, but to the exhausted mortal woman, it can seem possible.  Your goal is to make her think the husband does not notice, or even better, that he does not care about her efforts at home.

Secondly, do what you can to keep her focused on her troubles and pains.  Remind her how much her back aches, how draining the children were all day, and how many undone tasks still beckon her.  Do not let her wonder what difficulties her husband faced that day or whether his back might also be aching.  Valuing others above oneself is one of those silly, though strangely effective, tactics of the Enemy.  If she stops to make him a cup of coffee, the next thing you know she’ll be rubbing his shoulders and flirting with him on the couch.  It can progress out of your control if you’re not careful.

Along those lines, be sure the Mother starts to value productivity above everything else.  Have her wake up early and work non-stop until bedtime.  If the husband relaxes in the evening with an hour of computer gaming, be sure the wife notices the pile of unfolded laundry or unswept floors.  Do not let her grab a book and relax alongside her husband.  Diligence, often one of the Enemy’s virtues, when overdone can be used to our advantage as well.  Convince her that as long as there is a shred of work to be done (and there always is), no one should be resting.  Then, as she folds and sweeps and he sits, you can introduce the sweet bitterness of resentment.

A word of caution here.  Remember, the love of a husband can be dangerous to our cause.  If he senses her unhappiness, he may begin to help or (even worse) show her affection.  This is where previously planted seeds of resentment can be guided into full bloom.  Make her think that his displays of affection are because he “only wants one thing”.  Do not let her view his help with the dishes (or kisses or cuddling) as having pure motives.  If he shows his desire for her, convince her that she is being used, not loved.  As we both know, the ultimate Act of Marriage can bond them together in a way that can undo much hard work on our part.  Because of this, do not allow her to prioritize that Act on her mental to-do-list.  It is in our best interest to keep the wife busy, busy, busy and be sure she’s far too exhausted to consider it by the end of the evening.

Now, onto the children.  Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones.  We all know that children are a favorite tool of the Enemy.  He calls them Blessings and Gifts and calls parents to lay down their lives for them, just as his Son did.  Insane, I know.  We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice.  When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days.  Do your best to shatter those expectations.

Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her.  Let them takeand take and take…  And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent.  Let them start crying at the same time for the most irrational of reasons.  Let the noise bother her.  Let their bad behavior surprise her.  Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her.  Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children.

Don’t let her think about the future responsible, faithful adults she is raising.  Society changers, friends, workers, husbands or wives…  Don’t let her think of them as life-long companions who will love her, converse with her, and care for her in her old age.  Oh, and definitely don’t let her think about the grandchildren she might be able to see in their little grubby faces if she looked hard enough now.  No, no, no…  Thinking ahead to when her work bears fruit, as the Enemy calls it, is always a bad idea.  Keep words like ‘heritage’ or ‘legacy’ far away from the runny noses and jelly stains of the day to day.

If there is any last piece of advice I have for you, Wormwood, it is to keep the Mother looking to her husband or family for her fulfillment and comfort.  We know that the Enemy is always watching and willing to take the burdens of his children, but if we divert the Mother’s attention well enough, this fact can be forgotten.  Make her look to her husband for worth and affirmation.  Then, when he lets her down (as he is sure to do), she will be ours to torment.  Yes, the worst thing that could happen would be for her to turn to Him with her needs and inadequacies.  Once she realizes that the Enemy offers a peace that transcends her situation, our work could be utterly compromised.

Your Malevolent Uncle,

Screwtape

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A Letter to my First Born

You are the world to me. I apologize for the moments I might snap, and call you the big boy & tell you that you should know better- or to be careful around the baby. Because the truth is, you are only just a baby yourself. Just like I am learning how to be outnumbered, you are learning to share your spot light. 

Then again you are the Big Boy. As I feed your brother or cook dinner, you humbly accept, “Hold on, Just a minute, I know you want to play but, I know your thirsty just a minute, let me clean and then I will..” Most of the time I never make it to play and you play alone, or I get caught up and forget your drink or snack and you have to remind me again.  I am so proud of you and how sweet you are. I am amazed every day at how intelligent you are & how patient you are becoming. My heart breaks watching you get older, and calling you the Big Boy of the house. I guess it’s something we’ll both have to get used to. 

No matter how big you get, you’ll always be my baby & even though our family is growing, you’ll never stop being my sweet sweet boy.   I love you SO much,  Mama

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Don’t Cheapen the Picture with a Bad Lens

Have you ever taken a photo on a crappy camera? It’s almost like the moment is cheapened by how sloppy it was captured.

In that same way, is the perspective in which we choose to see our lives. Every person is given a camera and its up to you which lens you will choose to look out of. Don’t settle for poor quality. The nicer the lens, the bigger the investment.

Invest in you, don’t cheapen your moments with the wrong attitude, the wrong perspective. The cheaper the lens the more the background and foreground are one- with this perspective you can find yourself so caught up in the little things and in everything that you lose focus- even become anxious, angry, depressed.

BUT with a little investment in you, in your life- caring for what matters and taking care of you and your family- the better you will enhance your perspective and be able to focus on what truly matters in life.

Say “cheese”, while you still have teeth!

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God gives revelation, so you can make a resolution.

uk

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Taste & See

Matthew 6:22-34 The eye is the light of the body, when your eyes are clear- your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is unclear, you will be full of darkness...And why do you see the speck in your brothers eye, but do not consider the plank in your own.  Judgement is my weakness. I never have ill intentions however, I always find myself talking about others lives more than my own. In my heart, I want what is best for these people- but in my mind I am so frazzled by things that I will say things that are judgmental or hurtful.  “Well if they would only” “I can’t believe they would” “Seriously it annoys me so much” “They need to stop doing this”  Meanwhile my life is just as imperfect. I feel that the bible talks and warns about judgement so much, because it is just another tool of distraction from the devil.  I mean how easy is it to sit and talk about what everyone else is doing and how they should live their lives, and ignore the darkness creeping into your own house? It’s easy to convince yourself that your words are not judgement, but reasons you want to pray for someone. However, how do you know the will that God has called upon that life? In what place do you sit that you decide the actions and thoughts of others, or at least assume the responsibility of that. 

Let your faith do the judging and let your faith do the fixing. 

Judgement does not fix. We know when we are dirty, and in our hearts we know when we need to make a change BUT that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be easy.

As the body of Christ, place your faith in God. For those people that cross your mind throughout the day, pray for them - don’t let dark thoughts overcome the light. And when you pray, don’t pray for the means- because that is not your responsibility pray the end. What is the end? The ultimate goal. That their will aligns with the will of God, so that he can be glorified. There is no further perfection than that, your judgmental words (even in good intent) are nothing but hot air, for we do not know the plans of the Lord.

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Follow ME

Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead. - Matthew 8:22 The moment in which I fell from the highest of heights to the lowest of lows. The moment the burning flame of my candle blew out by a wind so strong it could barely recover. The moment I died- May 30, 2013.  I didn’t leave my earthly suit or get buried six feet under. I died inside, remaining an empty hollow shell. 

I watched someone I loved, someone that gave me hope and throughout life told me to never give up- give up (or so he thought) as his last words were, “ I love you & I’m so sorry- but I have to do this”. I prayed, I trusted the word was my life. 

How do you recover when the person who doesn’t get healed, is the glue that held you together your whole life?

What happens when you watch someone who you believed would be healed suffer, gasping in pain for every last breath? Looking to you as eyes bulge from their head and their nails dig into your arm, in attempts to cry out for help- as every organ in their body is slowly failing- but they are still coherent enough to acknowledge every pain, yet sedated enough not to be able to speak to you or tell you their last thoughts. 

What happens when in all this madness & sadness the last thing you watch them do- despite their terrible meeting with death- is make the sign of the cross over and over on their body until their body gives in. Heart still beating, eyes still bulging, mouth wide open for air, for words, for anything- until finally the heart rate monitor runs flat and a nurse comes in and tests their last vitals to announce time of death. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder would be an understatement. I’ve carried this weight so many years as my heart grew so bitter. Darkness, anxiety, confusion, anger, but mostly callus. Numb, nothing could ever hurt me because I have experienced the most painful nightmare I could ever imagine. Life quickly became but a vapor, in a bad way. It became a fume, easily ignited. It became so easy to acknowledge the darkness, everywhere and in everything.  However, somewhere deep inside was a very tiny flickering flame of light calling my name, and any time I asked it answered- but soon enough I found myself blowing that candle out again in some judgmental nonsense or action.

Lately, I found myself hoping for things. Life can get a little tilted when you stumble in the darkness for so long. I had this strong unction to go out and buy a bible, so I did and... Here it is, the night that God revealed why we lost touch. It was because I went away, but he followed me - he never left me.  I’m done being the dead burying their dead. 

We’ll never have the answers to all of our questions on this side of heaven, but that shouldn’t prevent us from having days of heaven here on Earth. 

Tonight, I am deciding with every fiber in my being to walk, talk and act like Jesus as much as I can. Even times when the bitterness or anger creeps up, even until the point where its uncomfortable... 

I need this, my family needs this, my children need this. Tonight, I have decided.

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Photo Cred: Inappropriate Mom

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Dear Wallet, This continuous game of hide and seek is really exhausting me. Sincerely, Me

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I wonder if he knows, he’s the reason...

I could rattle off a list but... everything. Our everything. Mommy & Daddy love you so much, Landon John. Thank you for giving us all of the joy in the world, each and every day!

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Unsuccessfully Happy

Success does not wear a price tag or drive a new Mercedes. It isn't well versed... doesn't wave a degree or a quote a book to be heard by others. The years- they don’t matter, the words- carry no meaning. Success is not the doctor in the waterfront mansion, or wait staff working doubles to make ends meet. It isn't about being good enough for the world around you, or even for yourself.

The definition of “good” isn't universal, so much so- that even your own understanding alters throughout your life. Success, is being humble enough to accept the fact that you will never be good enough, you will never work hard enough, you wont struggle enough, laugh enough, live enough, help enough- but Grace. Grace says, I don’t care who you are, what you have, how you look or even how you act. Grace says, I made you in my image- now go. Please, live. Please, take this gift and run with it. Grace says, but when you go don’t be distracted by the cares of this world, keep your eyes on me, and be my hands and feet. Grace- unmerited, unearned and undeserved. What love is this, that you gave your life for me?

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hipster blog

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#byepokicia

Husband: I am sorry, do you forgive me?

Me: Hmm... I might consider if you trade me all your Pokémon.

Husband: See you in divorce court.

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Lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water...wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

Hillsong

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Tried the new Coconut Milk Mocha Macchiato today- DELICIOUS! Prepare for aftertaste though, gum’s a must.

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Gods timing is always perfect, and his word is so good.

A believer.

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Surviving Motherhood: Leather Everything

Just got done playing an intense game of “tiger” with my one year old, for him to stop mid-roar and projectile vomit a combination of curdled milk, Poptart and Goldfish down the crack of my couch. Thank God for leather.