p0ck3tp03t

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 73.

Her Truth: Denial before Acceptance

The presence of Love in my life will never disappear regardless of how much time is put between then and now. She chose a life without my presence but that choice was only hers as I was left without a choice but hers. Lingering still are thoughts of the dead, phantasms of what was once something that will never be again. In her absence I wallowed and wept inconsolably, mourning something that was of unknown source, a blurry amalgamation of elements pertaining to time, emotion, attachment and confusion.

One of the greatest issues I will always struggle with will be the awareness that I am beyond anything, flawed. Flaws surface the most when I find myself surrounded by people hence why I keep my distance and deny the truth despite knowing it fully. Selfishness, arrogance and insecurity, these all flow through me as they drown me into my own truth of a flawed existence. My plea is not expressed to be met with forgiveness or validation. Peace from it all is what I desire, swerving away from conjuring them because then I am faced with an appalling reflection.

Truths were refuted and lies were accepted and thus a life filled with sacrifice was created for the simple purpose to perpetuate this moment between two increasingly distant souls. Telling ourselves the lies and telling each other the truth became a paradox that suffocated the reality we strove to construct. Love was shrouded by a veil comprised of circumstance and answers, a combination that drew forth the flaws that lie sealed away behind a wall of solitude and detachment. We both believed our truth even when it had become a lie because we wanted nothing else but to grab onto something we once owned, willing ourselves into believing we still had it within our grasp. She was the first one to display the grotesque bravery to admit that we were caring for a corpse whose existence we were both refusing to acknowledge. The refusal to accept the lie was simultaneously a declaration of war against a life of lies and betrayal and against me, the obstacle between a living life and a dying one. Nothing was to be done against the onslaught of honesty and loathing she would unleash among us and all I could do was refuse all the while knowing that any such act of defiance would prove futile against the witch.

Armed with sharpened claws devoid of care and words that spewed venom upon expression, the witch turned her truth into her reason to kill whatever was left of her affection for a flawed man. Once her truth became her window she saw a future so bright she saw worth in snuffing out my light in order to pursue another, displaying darkness so profound it had long devoured and removed this light from her sight.

Never will I know nor is there worth anymore but nonetheless ghosts of the mind incessantly torture as I summon them into existence through my attempts at understanding the acts of the dead. She receives remembrance each day as I study still everything bound between love and death in a desperate attempt to learn to live in death as I honor love and her memory. It gave me life and then it gave me death and inside death I still find myself, learning to live a loveless life. Through experience and loss I have learned of my true nature, a man that thrives in solitude and detachment, killing the will to love as he defies the demands of nature in order to satisfy an atypical perspective.

Plagued by innocence and the childish desire to love another, I made the mistake of allowing love to derail the path I walked on as I courageously dared to defy my nature for the sake of life and living. Regrets shall never exist for deeds done are life lived and that life still brings joy even in death. That being said, the present frame in time brings with it a distinct headspace which causes other conclusions to be drawn from the rippling aftermath of this tragedy. Love closed my eyes to what I was, causing the belief that I was sufficiently adequate to be deserving of it and this was the magical touch that I needed to be completely in belief of its lies. In full honesty, admittance is given that the heart wholeheartedly believed such a lie to be true not for a second allowing doubt to cloud the dream. Stupidity is indeed boundless until someone decides to shed light upon the darkness and then the drowned shall breathe again. Indeed I began to once again breathe but I wish I continued to drown in the darkness but alas light came and I discovered I would suffocate without darkness.

As truth would have it, I was in fact not accepted but put on trial because I presented potential to grow and evolve into something to the liking of love and as this surfaced my entire reality crumbled. Everything surreptitiously turned to rubble around us as my existence as it was began to no longer be sufficient but instead the opposite and this was unsatisfactory to the liking of the witch. As much as I wished to snuff out my true nature for the sake of being to her liking I simply could not achieve perfection that would satisfy her wishes. My flaws surfaced increasingly, causing suffering with each passing year, pebbles soon turning into boulders and eventually they all came crashing down upon our little dream, turning it into a nightmare.

Flaws, nature and circumstance all contributed to the demise of this world we had constructed for ourselves and all the blame could be attributed to a single heartbeat, mine. She had fallen in love with a boy that was far from becoming a man and even to this day, there is doubt that I have attained such status. In the shadow of such fact many hurdles needed to be overcome but never were forgotten as they would eventually become the foundation to our fall. The catalyst for our entire history can be brought down to the incongruence between the nature I chose to repress and the reality that I chose to drown it with. One day I was confronted with a truth that I denied then and bitterly accept now, which brought to the light that which I tried to snuff from existence through sheer will, the nature I keep mentioning. I was told that all I want is to be left alone and in peace, to not do anything and not be involved in anything and then it hurt because the response of denial proved it was true and that could not be accepted. Presence meant I cared, I was involved and attached to life, nothing else could be considered acceptable because if I were to accept her statement as truth then everything around us would be false, an imagined world made of sacrifice and lies. From the perspective of who I was then, everything I had done was an act of love, from the self-deceit to the repressed urge to flee and never return because I was brimming with cowardice, boredom and a fear of not knowing what our future meant. She was changing whilst I watched and felt her slipping away from my grasp until I would no longer remember the last time our hands embraced. Eventually, we became complete strangers as her truth dressed her in a dress tailor-made to display the intentions I received warning for many times prior.

Turns out, as I now know, my flaws were never accepted but in fact collected and saved until she could carry no more. My heaven had been dropped down to hell together with its angel. My own truth was the sin that pushed everything to the depths of armageddon and nothing could be done to stop the process of the end. Once the decision had been made, the events in play could never be halted much less reversed. The realization that I would never be happy regardless of what she would do, that any effort she enacted would not change a single thing within my heart pushed hers into death as her love faded as if it were a season whose end had finally arrived.

In spite of all my efforts to conceal my nature and the winds that blew because of it I had failed miserably because I realized that no matter how much time had passed since we had arrived to unknown lands, deep within I was yearning still for the lands of home. Accommodation was attained but too late since she knew how I felt and had never forgotten for a moment that she was guilty for my suffering and to my shame I admit I never let her forget and for this sin I paid everything I had and am still paying to this day.

The realization that nothing in her power could bring happiness within my grasp pushed her beyond the brink as this declaration impaled my soul and everything between. A clear statement of capitulation was uttered and upon hearing such phrase my heart sunk even though things had already ended for quite some time. Even with full knowledge of the truth, each repetition of said truth would become another knife that would accompany the rest until a graveyard would take form upon the land I call my flesh. Together but never more apart, closeness felt bittersweet but uncanny as we both knew the flaw that needed to be removed from the equation that was our dying life.

Two separate entities were given another chance at life after death, one of them still carrying the corpse of the dead with them to remind himself of a life that should not happen again. Having overcome the mourning of this tragedy, I still find myself yearning for the emotion, the moments and those times in spite of the reality of it all. Acceptance must be given even to hell no matter how much I wish it could be prevented because ultimately, nothing could be done and I will use that reality to prevent another from taking flight. Together along with my flaws, I will seclude myself from love, choosing to remain silent among the living, a ghost sporadically witnessed, an occasional presence lacking permanence and thus easily forgotten. Painful as it might seem, I shall not again touch the life of another for I shall bring ruin and tragedy to such life, a reality that I would not be capable of enduring once more, the sight of this soul and its attempt to escape my cursed self and the flaws that plague my existence.

In the process I have come upon an epiphany of sorts, no longer seeing my will as an act of sacrifice for another but instead an act of liberation of a nature that thrives in silence, peace and tranquility. Unaffected by the voice of impulsivity, untouched by the emotions of irrationality, free from the instability brought by the existence of an unknown soul as my nature will be once again pegged as guilty. I shall be forced in return to suffocate what I am in order to avoid the calamity of collapse and erosion and in return to fail miserably and make tragedy into reality because myself would no longer be able to maintain the facade of love and happiness.

Women shall be flowers and I shall gaze and admire, thirst and hunger, fantasize and imagine but never touch or speak, attempt or dare, confront or interact. Instead, I shall maintain my distance, keep myself within the shadows as hypocrisy will baptize my name and my deeds as I will imagine life with a different love each day I shall have opened my eyes until they shall close shut.

This shall be the life I shall lead as long as my will desires, as long as my nature dictates and reason remains under my control and I say this because I am afraid that one day I shall become drunk and blind and stupid and go against everything I am for the sake of another witch and her charm. Cursed be that day for blood shall spill and sorrow shall follow as I will once again attempt a life of lies for the sake of a fickle truth. Before that becomes tangible I shall do nothing to aid it as I know who I am and thus I shall choose my suffering as a last act of defiance against the nature of man.

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Calling Denied

Chose pursuit of path once thought true Reality compelled until I switched view Presently aware of consequence of choice Sometimes dreams must not be given voice

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 72.

Stepping into Death

Some people live and others survive. I am the latter as I have stopped living from a time of which there exists no recollection. Somewhere along the line I began seeing the association between myself and objects as a burden and even further along the line this association mutated into being applied to humans. There exists nothing in relation to an explanation as to why I ended up resonating with detachment and solitude. Upon further contemplation I could infer multiple reasons, motives or causes for my affinity towards this state of death in life.

Under no circumstances is such a way of life sustainable under long term application as it goes against the very nature of humans, the requirement to socialize. Throwing blame at myself or others for being the root cause of my behavior is a moot point since it brings no aid to my cause. Along the way I probably made decisions based on circumstance and comfort, attempting to create for myself an environment suited to my existence of those times. Caught between the slow burning compulsion to blend with the world around me and the awkward feeling that I was trying to mix oil and water I slowly began noticing a balance, coming to understand the dynamic between myself and those with whom I interacted. Conclusions such as the wrong crowd or group, incongruent mindsets, incompatible temperaments could all be drawn and considered the beginning and the end to my story in that world. Being around people slowly began to be an element of necessity in order for me to exact my will and enact my existence onto the world but outside of these requirements, human contact was under no circumstance sought or demanded and instead tolerated.

Now and then I can say that I am and was guilty of desiring validation from those around which I had built my existence and now I can say with utmost certainty that I am and was a prisoner of my own desires. The guilt regarding everything that covers my interaction with the world I inhabited then belongs entirely to me. Principles, values and views passively offended those with whom I shared my company and soon enough I had become my own enemy, being mocked for what I was, an anomaly in the eyes of bystanders.

Naturally credulous I sabotaged myself numerous times through the act of believing I could trust my surroundings. I believe now I craved connection and even more so, validation from individuals I deemed superior, thus hunting for a word of acceptance. It is safe to say that the hunter became the hunted without much notice and after repeatedly suffering the consequences of my own nature I reached a conclusion. The nature of humans was beyond comprehension and attempting to engage in order to understand it and eventually coexist was a task much too abstruse for someone such as I. Never entirely apart but never fully engaged I came to the conclusion that an extreme choice needed to be made and through it I would make my first step towards discovering my true nature. Blindly looking among the living for a place for myself among others just to once again hunt for validation and acceptance was a task much too tedious and familiar, etching onto me the writing of experience from which only one choice remained, solitude. Through such a concept, I controlled everything and more than anything, I was completely free of the torment of seeking acceptance and validation from an outside source and thus by keeping my sight free of such concepts I also kept my mind free of thoughts related to such matters. Contact had been diminished to the point where it was done solely in required conditions, everything being filtered through the lens of my decisions and nothing else. This had become the solution to solving that which ailed me throughout my life and through which I had indeed found the path I would continue to walk on for the foreseeable future.

Having painted myself as a victim, I must confess my sins behind the scenes as I carry guilt upon my shoulders in regards to thoughts I experienced during those times. Among many sins I have come to enact, arrogance is possibly among the heaviest I carry. Quite few would recognize such concepts to have manifested in my behavior but those who have, brought it to my attention and I had no choice but to reluctantly agree. It is undeniable that even now I express with subtlety a demure tone of arrogance in regards to certain aspects of my life when compared to that of others. The root cause of such expression would have to be the heavily stratified concept of insecurity against which I could never muster enough confidence to bring balance to the equation. In an environment where violence was the law through which superiority was decided I found myself immensely disadvantaged as I was weak against such an approach, being fully aware of the consequences. My arrogance grew from a disproportionate perspective in regards to my surroundings, using it as the opposite of a positive example, taking the negative actions of those around me and attempting to execute the opposite, positive action instead. Resonance was achieved but unfortunately I had dug a deeper grave for my social life, turning myself into the anomaly whose shadow would give pursuit for the greater part of my school life. In short, I saw myself as a superior individual due to making the healthier, more ethical and sound decisions in reference to myself and my well-being. The presence of others had become a nuisance, having been rejected and mocked numerous times, I slowly discarded the desire to become a component of the system others would construct. I seemed to only be useful as a temporary replacement until someone else would display themselves through means of a more entertaining performance. In retrospect, their decision was sound as back then I was yet to be aware of the nature into which I would come to develop.

As time went by and my interactions grew more abrasive I soon took the decision to burn any and all bridges that led to other people, allowing only the briefest of interactions to be made. In order to survive that environment this seemed to be the most fitting decision I could have made in order for me to gain control of what was happening to me. Affected by the actions and intentions of those around me, I knew there was no other way other than self-inflicted seclusion and thus I made my first step towards becoming a lone wolf.

Through solitude and absence I filtered my environment so that I could endure it until its existence would come to an end and be changed by the passing times. Eventually, the suffering of every day had become nothing but a dried scar on the surface of my memory, somehow fresh but yet bloodless. Insecure, unstable and anxious I walked forward towards a future crafted from pure uncertainty, seeking to pave a path tailored from my dreams and hopes and thus I found a place where I would encounter the most dangerous and blissful existence I could fathom, love. Closed off from the world, I would walk among people as if hiding, a ghost acclimated to the concept of blending with the crowd, invisible and yet present. Everything would change when love would begin to allow the opening of my soul thus offering the opportunity to lower my guard and be fooled. It is safe to say that I caved because it gave me what I had always craved, validation and acceptance without any consequences and that hunger had been present for much too long for me to resist such an enticing opportunity so I bit the bait.

Slowly but with certainty I opened up and gave away an increasing amount of pieces of my heart until one day when I had given all I had, making me realize I had completely fallen in love with love. Never was this my intention as my true nature was overshadowed by a blind desire for flesh and heart and thus I had overwritten the initial programming in order to continue feeding on what I considered more meaningful than my nature. In spite of such actions, it never died and instead it fell into a state hibernation, awaiting the day when I would wake it from its slumber and once again allow it to roam free into the world. As the years went by I would eventually come to know that I was still blind to the entire truth of what love was as I committed more sins alongside it, inflicting tremendous suffering upon it and thus discovering that love was in fact brittle.

The instinct for survival grows stronger with age as one is compelled to manage resources in order for survival to become feasible and sustainable. Survival demands control over the impulses and discipline to maintain such control until the individual decides otherwise. This life is not meant for everyone as it pushes towards an extreme level of restraint for the pleasures of life and that for many means a life unlived. Such is the life I chose and with this decision I gradually invited tragedy into my life. When one focuses on survival instead of living he invites a life of solitude as I have discovered personally the weight of such consequences. Preserving resources and maintaining a satisfactory level of finances by sacrificing happiness seemed necessary in order to maintain love happy alongside myself. Eventually I would discover how detrimental my values and habits were because they would start to affect the connection between myself and love. I believed it would last eternally but unfortunately such fairy-tales have no place in the reality inhabited by you and I.

I had become a prison, shackles around the wrists, ankles and neck of love, impeding her from blooming, flourishing and brimming with life. In spite of my good intentions that supported my survival habits, it did not matter to love as obstructing the freedom it sought brought nothing but misfortune. Restraint was practiced but regardless, I could not abandon my nature and thus I became a reminder for the reason life couldn't be lived. Compromise led to frustration as I swallowed my own values for the sake of love and its happiness, thinking that what I was doing was selfless because I was sacrificing myself for the sake of something more.

Comfort in connection can be a double-edged sword as honesty and authenticity can bring demise even for a love thought to be forged for eternity. My honesty was a slow poison, acting like rust and corroding my connection with love until it was too late to recover anything. I opened the box of Pandora and allowed the ugliness inside my soul to roam free, believing that love would accept everything about me without a flinch but not a human alive will accept another wholeheartedly until death shall say its word. Sorrows, grief and reality would be weights much too heavy to carry for the rest of a lifetime and thus began the suffocation of a love once thought to be written in the stars. In the process I learned the consequences of honesty through expressing values, thoughts and ideas and how much they can affect the heart of another. I learned that my darkness cannot should be kept locked and hidden from anyone and none shall ever again suffer from knowing the truth. Eventually, this world would be demolished by the hands of love alongside myself as I reluctantly obeyed the wishes of bringing an end to a life.

Years after the fact I live with the truth of those days, from the beginning of days, as everything I have gone through managed to reinforce the concept of my nature, an existence meant for solitude. I live by law of survival, listening and abiding the rules I have set, free from the constraint of confusion and misunderstanding. Through defiance I pave a new path, one engulfed in perplexity and uncertainty, haunted by thoughts that incessantly utter accusations of betrayal towards life and its purpose. Every day I survive a life in death and none shall suffer alongside me for this fate is of my own making for I have learned what I am and I know to not allow myself to love another soul ever again.

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Through Hell for Heaven

Conjure from the shadows sorrows beyond reach Dream again the nightmare allowing the breach Traverse the Inferno accepting its existence Innocence awaits beyond the endless distance

By:Pocketpoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Reluctant Defiance

Overburdened mind seeking silence everlasting Yearning sweet release from the thought it is casting Exhausted beyond reason despair through existence Silence complete chaos defying through resistance

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Secrets of the Weak

Barren of security the mind shall turn imperious Arrogance shall whisper truth turned deleterious Conceal into darkness the facade reflecting hell Feed the shame with silence allowing none to tell

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Iadul din Oglindă

De liniște-mbrăcat ascult gânduri dezbrăcate Lipsite de cenzură s-exprimă pronunțate Iertare nu cunosc criticând cu-nverșunare Existența-mi imperfectă pân' la ultima eroare Surzit-am în tăcere înstrăinat de vocea-i mută Încerc să o ascult dar nu mă mai ascultă Sufocat d-o simfonie lăsat-am sunt făr' de suflare Izolat m-adâncesc într-un abis făr' de culoare Sufletu-mi odată-ncins acum cunoaște moarte Cenușa ce-nconjoară infinit îngroapă-n șoapte Nemiloase vorbe-n vânt răsfoiesc uscate rânduri Ademenesc fără cuvânt mâzgălite gânduri Iraționalul se-ntețește cu fiecare gând proscris Echilibru-ncet slăbește scăpând spre interzis Ascund de realitate realitatea-mi instabilă Pretind normalitate dependent fiind d-o pastilă Ironică mi-e suferinţa realizȃnd că-i soartă Scăpare nu există când tăcerea-i moartă Dorinţa-mi ȋmplinită s-a dovedit pedeapsă Gȃndurile mă-mpȃnzesc pȃn' la ultima sinapsă Versuri fără noimă ȋn tandem sunt recitate Vocile se-ncaieră precum bestiile turbate Vânează un răspuns înstrăinat de existență Adevăr necunoscut și minciună în esență Suprastimulat prin contemplare excesivă Realizez instantaneu contribuția-mi cognitivă Alimentez infernul prin șoapte scrise-n vânt Suflu viață Iadului așezându-mă-n mormânt Acompaniat de nebunie declarat sunt Creator Caracter într-o poveste într-un rol de scriitor Rolu-mi execut condiționat fiind cu teroare Aliniat de dictatură scriind după dictare Haosul subtil s-așterne în absență d-observare Sunetu-i acum tăcere răsună-n depărtare Afectiv amorțit conștientizez din întâmplare Șoaptele-i înveninate sunt acum diluate-n mare Blestemat cu inocență văzut-am sfârșitu-i scris Îndrăznit-am crede-n moarte cu-n efort indecis Născut monstru nevăzut scris-am gând cu sânge Transformat m-am văzut într-o bestie care plânge Îngropat-am sufletu-i în gânduri scrise-n smoală Sigilat-am existența-i în morminte de cerneală Sperat-am să-nfăptuiesc imposibilă viziune S-estompez accelerat constanta-i ascensiune Secat d-eforturi inumane demontrat-am impotență Îngenuncheat d-o realitate-nstrăinată de clemență Confruntat cu-n adevăr antonim pentru schimbare Convins d-efortu-mi inutil cunoscut-am disperare Haosu-mi vorbește ș-ascult discursu-i în tăcere Stomacu-i acum ulcer și cortizolu-i în artere Plămânii-s plini cu panică ș-aeru-i insuficient Existența-mi se sfărâmă într-un ritm incoerent Incontestabil inutil contestația-mi afișez Resping repetitiv făr' intenții să-ncetez Suferința-mi ignoră intenția-mi de sfidare Năpădit de neputință constat capitulare Reticent resemnat frustrările-s deșarte Extenuat d-asediu trecut-am parcă-n moarte Incurabil infectat lacrimile-mi sunt uscate Între rânduri așezat citesc pagini numărate Contopit cu Iadul ȋncetat-am să aștept Acceptat-am existenţă precum un adevăr nedrept Liniștea-i minciună ș-un străin concept Forțat sunt împotriva-mi de fapt să mă deștept Inspir sufocat d-experiențe efemere Invariabil izolat între pereți și emisfere Cunoscut-am realitate ș-adevăru-i neclintit Destinu-i suferință când Iadu-i oglindit.

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 71.

The Longest Moment

Seething within is anger, for reasons without much sense or logic. Enveloped by feelings of anguish, unrest and panic I sigh desperately in a monotonous attempt to relieve myself of the illusory weight I carry upon my shoulders. Time is running away without offering the slimmest chance to catch up and despair is piling at an insurmountable rate. Each day feels crowded, jammed with thoughts of death and its grasp increasingly closer to everything I hold dear. Weakness is taking control, ignoring every attempt to negate its existence, showing me just how powerless I actually am. In the blink of an eye, my whole world could come crashing down once more, humiliating this existence of mine as it displays the power it has over this life. Death, time, life are all concepts I ruminate over endlessly, denying with subtlety everything they represent while reluctantly accepting that my position of defiance is merely an illusion of grandeur born from fear of certainty.

I cannot bring myself to understand what is expected of my existence as I squirm quietly playing the game that humans have created to probably distract themselves from the same torment. One should be attached to the present in order for life to be lived but the reality is that I have been detached from the present for enough time that I find it almost impossible to discern the moment when the fracture occurred. The present is dull and known and I say this because I control it entirely, its existence being something I do not leave unattended for even a second.

The past and the future are two constructs that I unfortunately can no longer influence with promptness. Sources of joy and terror, these two elements bring into my life things I can longer possess and things that I may never have. The love I once knew gives life in death to every thought that manages to cross my mind, filling me up with the voices of ghosts that once were the closest companions. I extract life from times when life was tremendously more innocent to the point of ignorance. Judgement was blinded by raw emotions sparking the birth of a moment that would be the equivalent of a lifetime of lessons. From climbing to the zenith of ecstasy to then collapse from the weight of the world falling upon me, I have traveled the entire world both intrinsically and extrinsically to come to understand both.

Having lost the entirety of a world, suffering has become second nature and thus, a companion. Teachings are filtered from the darkness and then used to guide the path forward towards the next moment. Evolution is demanded by the Universe but I choose to defy its authority in spite of the petrifying pressure sitting on my shoulders. Life should love and life should give life but such laws never were of importance to me as I am much too selfish to comply to such unspoken rules. I had fallen in the arms of love and had given myself to it entirely but I was discarded before life could have given life and I am now stuck in limbo, moving yet being still, almost stagnant in state. Time has been merciful and has put a wall between me and that last moment, hoping that another moment would catch root and offer me another chance at life.

In the company of great regret I admit that in spite of efforts to forget the events from a past life, I am unfortunately incapable of doing so. Followed at every step I have cast a curse upon myself to forever remember that time as if it were a mere moment, the longest moment of my entire life which now feels as if it ended in the span of a blink. There no longer exists any present love or emotion or attachment, the only thing existing still being the memory of those things which have been carved unto my soul and flesh without hope of erasure. Thus it is that I live here and then, today and long ago, now and never again, attempting to learn, to understand and to accept reality as the truth, in hopes of growing stronger and capable of enduring a future brimming with silence and torment. Searching for tranquility, I present myself as the reflection of hell attempting to escape my own existence in order to no longer be the source of my own suffering.

I have tried but always failed to grasp crucial moments over the course of my transient existence and with every attempt I must admit I have failed miserably. Sorrow has always stemmed alongside melancholy from these unfruitful attempts at salvation, pushing me into a state of disappointment which would eventually become a haunting presence. The fear of losing those precious times would push me to wish time would stop simply to maintain into eternity the emotion stirred from experiencing said moment.

Presently, I am left with nothing but fragments of fragments of moments that existed such a long time ago, they almost feel like a dream, a figment of my imagination. Even if that may be so, I am adamant to believe they were real and as dysfunctional as it may be, I am cursed by will to live them almost every day as I refuse to move beyond their existence. The further away I find myself the more I am reminded of their existence as moving towards a future of solitude makes me return to a moment of companionship. What I am doing is nothing outside of raw insanity but what can one do when one no longer desires to repeat history and instead oppose it with sheer defiance, when one has given so much to another and having lost everything, no longer wishes to beckon the same ending. Somewhere deep within, I truly believed this moment to last for the rest of this lifetime and having it turn into a figment of my mind I am now struggling still to accept reality, attempting to cope by attaching myself to life through acts of pure selfishness and egoism.

That moment is now gone from the tangible, I being the only one whom still recalls it with warmth and terror, warming myself to its light and sharpening my senses from its teachings as I bask in my madness. The world I have built for myself is constructed upon a foundation of solitude, insanity and autonomy. This recipe for disaster will soon come to haunt me as I will slowly decline towards the irrational and I am afraid I am powerless against this wave because I refuse to change my course. The only company I demand and request is my own which in itself is a curse and a blessing for I will never lose tolerance as I would with another life. Thus I have come to live alongside death in life, aiming to understand its grasp and in doing so, building another moment which serves as a distraction from the loss of the longest moment.

Moving forward, another moment shall inevitably take shape, with or without my permission and thus, I partially resign control to that which I cannot control and I shall follow in its shadow, fearing the light of uncertainty whilst feeding on the crumbs of a poisoned dream.

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 70

Living in Death

I no longer care and I wish I could show it but I am scared I will not be able to return from that place. I do not wish to care because it is exhausting and it drains everything. I am scared that going down this path will turn me into something I will regret. There is no desire to care for anything as I refuse to become part of life, another pawn playing a role just like everyone else.

I will deny life its hold over my existence and I will childishly ignore that which it asks of me. I will not love nor care nor live for another ever again for another is not anymore a desire I possess. Taught by suffering to remain distant from the dangers of loving another I have grown to only find solace in my own presence as the company of others has become increasingly close to the idea of torment. Overburdened by thoughts of inadequacy fueled by the connection and company of others, I find the silence of company to be the absence of suffering. Tolerance together with patience run thinner with each passing day and I am terrified of the monster I will unleash once these two chains finally crack under the pressure.

Rejection of this destiny leaves a taste of guilt in my mouth, for I feel that I should abide and once again taste the poison I once drank with unwavering loyalty. Such times are now gone and I am now a shadow living in a reality that many refuse to accept out of fear of being alone. None can judge including me as I understand entirely that if one walks on this path there will soon be nothing left other than a single voice and mind and soul for the rest of this short eternity called life. Something feels fundamentally wrong about that life, about that breath and the breath itself believes it to be so and because of this it cannot risk pursuing the destiny alongside loneliness as it desires to heal the wounds accrued by means of another love. This is the definition for many of what it means to live and it guides all life to one goal and most will pursue, hunt and desire its presence as if it were that which gives them life. Based on this idea, I am no longer alive because though pain fades with time, scars and memories will remain as a bookmark within the pages of the life one has lived and such suffering shall push one to commit acts akin to rebellion for some, treachery for others and in my case, murder of another future alongside life.

I know that this time around I will be worse than I was the first time and that cannot happen, I will not allow it. Another soul shall never again glimpse the depths of my existence, the thoughts and ideas, the flaws and misgivings because I cannot bear the weight of the responsibility as the reason for collapse once more. If what I already believe turns into reality then reality itself shall be changed and by my hand I shall take charge of this destiny given to man and carve my own path onto the fabric of time and space, ruling over myself and denying acceptance to the yearning of companionship.

This for me will never be punishment but choice and thus, freedom and though it may be sinful to go against the nature of man I am willing to live as I see fit in spite of the known but yet unfamiliar consequences. Love is but an illusion, a mirage built upon the yearning of the flesh of another and thus it can be defied if one so wishes in spite of the reluctance to do so. One must not be tricked and one must choose wisely if the choice is to fall within the clutches of the illusion known as love. I know its power and beauty as I have tasted its lips thoroughly for many years, drinking and feasting upon its flesh and when I could not, I would crave with voracity its flesh within my grasp. One day everything collapsed and what I loved more than anything began to hate me in return thus giving life to my life in death, killing everything within that desired love. Love had become the Grim Reaper, taking away my heart and with it, any will to love again.

Without a heart, I have become cold and rational in my ways, aloof to the meaning of life, I seek answers by means of logic and thought, severed from anything tied to emotion. Suppressing emotion is effortless as every hint leaves me confused and anxious about that which I am feeling, deterring me from wishing to delve deeper, showcasing the lesson I have carved deep within my flesh. Nothing remains and though sometimes I witness fragments of life towards which there is attraction I decide to reject without exception as nothing will ever touch my heart ever again.

I despise even thinking to ever return to that place, knowing fully well how much it would turn into hell once again regardless of it being with another. My mind shivers at the thought of willingly putting myself in such a deleterious position, the mere image making me suffocate. I aim to remain detached indefinitely from such a life, not willing for even a second to go against my will but unfortunately not all of me is of the same cloth. Something within is always hunting, seeking, waiting and hoping for something to change, for me to change and begin to go against the grain of my pain but no such thing shall happen while I remain in control of my thoughts and will. I shall not serve nor wish to be served for nothing is without a price and everything shall be paid in suffering and scrutiny. Not anymore do I wish to find myself in that position of guilty by whim, rejected as if I would be the flaw of the world, destined to be hated by all those that once loved me. I shall no longer carry such responsibility on my shoulders, the responsibility of caring for another and risk pain and once again death because of it. If I am to remain a child for this brief eternity then so be it, I shall accept such a sin upon myself if it means I can achieve that which I desire, freedom from the constraints imposed by love and its demands.

Ultimately, I reminisce of the days when my heart was full of fire for another but then the dream ends as I realize that I feel nothing other than melancholy in regards to such memories and I conclude there is no desire for another. A ghost lives in the past for it cannot make a future and thus I describe the way of my life until rebirth takes place, if ever by some unknown miracle and until then I shall live in death.

By:PocketPoet

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Dormant Darkness

World left behind brought silence unheard Return from the unknown revived the absurd Quakes that breathe breed terror unearthed Suffer once again from normlacy rebirthed

By:PocketPoet

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Silent Chaos

Departed from the world soul awakens without voice Words spoken by the living in death are not a choice Found among the silence a soul awakens with regret Loving solitude forever starts a blessing ends a threat

By:PocketPoet

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Inner Wars

Distance from darkness before knowing corruption Realize the reality that breeds all compunction Dangerous deed one commits through own scrutiny Wars waged with self that fuel unbound mutiny

By:PocketPoet

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Living Death

Found facing the threshold to despair Forgotten thought that remains aware Haunting from the deep of buried time Conjured from death by a lonely rhyme

By:PocketPoet

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Maturity

Innocence is now lost and with it, everything Hope has been replaced with despair and suffering World turns grey through the lens of passing time Child becomes man while a man commits a crime

By:PocketPoet

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Spreading Madness

Thoughts become curse consuming this existence Corroding without mercy with utmost persistence Gods become prey when faced with their thought Nothing will escape the mind suffering from rot

By:PocketPoet

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Distinct among the Same

Reject rules which speak of the norm Deny mortal gods the power to reform Quietly defy orders to conform Keep self intact against their storm

By:PocketPoet

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 69.

Fear of Time

From the moment I was discarded I have gained this feeling that I will forever be shattered, cursed to eternally feel as if my place in the flow of the world has been utterly derailed. A slow burning sensation of panic envelops my existence as I attempt to stitch myself into reality. Every breath I draw under the cover of silence brings with it the weight of uncertainty.

The past once lived continues to haunt the present in spite of efforts to numb its influence whilst the future turns rotten from thoughts of realities that cannot be overthrown. Ignorance has turned dull under the beatings of time, the unavoidable becoming a dimension exempt from the loss in thought. Nothing manages to distract from the truth that continues to breed dread into each day, a reminder of the fragility of flesh and life. No longer am I able to become attached to life in order for life itself to become a distraction from the events that could bring unacceptable misfortune. Ripped from a universe by the reason of its creation, I drift along, plagued by ghosts of regret and the imitation of acceptance towards the fact.

Life has become a chore to be executed at the will of routine, turning me into a mindless machine that seeks to escape from the grasp of this monster of monotony. Freedom is the name of the world which I desire to inhabit, hoping to find something that will replace that which I lost the moment I became discarded. Living has become a bitter-sweet experience as time has managed to raise me into what I am today, a relic of a world demolished by whim and unhappiness, perusing still through the pages called days in search of answers.

Governed by fear, sighs of relief aim to lighten the weight of the thoughts I have come to conjure from the depths of my wandering mind. Despair ensues as the panacea I so desperately abuse loses its effects and the disease begins to infect the host without fail. Nothing is worth whilst simultaneously everything must be valued, and thus I find myself a prisoner of my own choosing in a world that is bound by the certainty of the uncertain. Optimism is a myth for those that cannot unsee the truth and a blessing for those strong enough to pretend like the truth doesn't exist. Escape was attempted but without avail as I soon discovered that by detaching myself from the flow of life I only worsened my affair, giving me a front row seat at the spectacle of dread and joy one calls life.

At one point in time, life felt as if it was a movie and I was playing a role given to my by the choices I had made and the opportunity offered through a contract with a witch. I had fallen under a spell and chose to submerge myself deeper than I had ever gone in order to obtain the riches I desired. Consumed by the darkness of the unknown, I grew disoriented, losing my footing and dragging others down with me, managing to get all those involved lost alongside me. Soon enough, I found myself abandoned for I was no longer worth saving as I could not be saved but instead abandoned for the sake of finishing the journey even if meant that it would happen without me. This might have been the moment when something cracked, banning me from ever wishing to be part of the movie of life ever again.

From unbearable pain one obtains irreplaceable teachings, and sometimes these teachings put us on a path that aims to heal the pain that began it all. Thus, I live life as if I were a marionette, tied to the strings of routine, guided by the will of discipline and habit, whilst plagued by a mind that refuses to forget the pain. Seemingly aimless, I remain trapped in times of past as I walk forward towards the unknown lands of the future, seeking answers estranged to existence, fact which ends up perpetuating the already present dread.

I have become a coward, running away from my own life, hiding behind a wall built from the desire to bury weakness of the soul and mind. The cracks once so vividly visible are now covered by the shadow of solitude, kept away from the sight of the world whom would attempt to once again carve yet another teaching onto the flesh of my mind. I have obtained my answers and with them at my disposal I shall never again fall under that spell.

What awaits is a world filled with nothing but peaceful sorrow, severed from the hunger to devour another world. I shall lose myself within my own thoughts, abandoning humanity once there are no more reasons for me to remain attached to its presence. Consumed by my own transience, I shall eternally ponder the possibility of other possibilities that never came to be, filling life with the death of another.

The flame of dread continues to simmer, a presence that tortures everything that I am but in spite of this self-induced ordeal, I remain where I stand, an existence inured to the thoughts that prey. Defiance proves ineffective, terror gaining control over the flow of my mind, fueling the fire the keeps it alive and in this process I end up suffocating from the lack of strength to overcome it.

There exists no cure for this condition and it shall spread across my entire existence until I shall draw my last breath. Life itself fuels it, leaving no choice for the one infected but to confront it in order to stomp it in its tracks.

An endless battle awaits to be fought at the end of which there shall be no survivors.

By:PocketPoet