paradoxi-callum - Tumblr blog

[paradoxi-callum]

Ben Shapiro is an anagram of Sharpie Nob, pass it on

[paradoxi-callum]

In the latest episode of The UK Might As Well Be A Joke, we have a former Protector from COVID (kicked out his role for having an affair with his employee, at a time when bubbles were anything) losing his whip, and any hopes of chairing the Govts. CryptoWank Convention because... He wanted to appear on a TV show where they live in a jungle and eat unpleasant things.

[paradoxi-callum]

Okay, two weird things about this 1985 Diet Coke commercial featuring Andy Warhol (and several other celebrities such as Devo and Sgt. Slaughter):

1. It’s got Andy fucking Warhol in it.

2. It was filmed in front of the Cecil Hotel (see second gif) where the bizarre death of Tumblr user Elisa Lam took place (as well as many other deaths throughout the years).

Definitely a cursed soda commercial.

[paradoxi-callum]

Source

[paradoxi-callum]

I'm so tired of fucking litter, it's exhausting having to stick your junk in junk.

[paradoxi-callum]

The thing I love most about sites like Tumblr is there are some really niche hobbyists lurking in the shadows. There's just like... An underground movement of Devo fans or something who, at any moment, could take over if they wished.

[paradoxi-callum]

A friend matched with a non-binary person on tinder, he asked me to write an ice breaker and I said "Oh you're NB? That's cool, I've always preferred analogue over digital" and apparently he didn't even attempt to talk to them because he couldn't match that

[paradoxi-callum]

If any Twitter moderators are reading this, it'd be so fucking funny if you deleted Elons account for hate speech.

[paradoxi-callum]

throwing foodstuffs at paintings is all fun and games until the paintings fight back

[paradoxi-callum]

Yeah so that "writing a load of bollocks about politics" got old very fast, imma use this as a platform for nonsense and shenanigans 😈

[paradoxi-callum]

#52 Ignored, 1 August

Truss thought about the next soundbite, her features cracking under the strain.

She looked at a map of the UK, as she tended to do in her free time, and caught glimpse of that horrid growth north of England.

The grey, dour land ran by that battleaxe… errr, what's her name?

"Fuck, what's she called? The Scotch lassie who hates us?"

The journalist looked stunned.

Truss looked surprised that she was being interviewed, I mean how could she forget the dweeb from The Guardian?

"Doesn't matter, does it!" she winked "I'm just gonna ignore her when I'm in charge."

[paradoxi-callum]

#51 Rishi "The Gaffer" Sunak, 22 July

They released a video of Rishi Sunak celebrating getting to the final.

They decided to make Sunak kits, sort of like footie kits but with pictures of Rishi plastered all over.

They'd make scarves and vuvuzelas and those weird ticker things that go clack-clack when they spin.

The Metro called it all cringe.

They threw the lot in the bin.

[paradoxi-callum]

#1R The Three Women on the Right of The Bus, 21 July

There were three women on the right of the bus.

I'll avoid describing them, because their looks aren't all that relevant to be honest.

It's more their actions I want to talk about.

We were passing the construction site, and out of the right windows you could see the men at work.

They had their tops off and they were built like brick shit-houses.

The three women on the right of the bus were practically salivating.

To be fair, they'd probably be great lovers.

[paradoxi-callum]

#50 Borentrance?, 20 July

Borexit had come and gone, and the Tories gathered round the TV in their dorm, squinting to see the fuzzy outlines of Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.

The swarm was starting to feel a bit uneasy, I mean is this the best they could do?

"Fucking hell, I don't want either of these two to win. Where's Patel?" One of the drones moaned.

The swarm buzzed with activity, dreaming of a leader who was a bit more… explosive.

"I know!" Another drone said.

"Let's bring Bozzo back!"

The swarm surged with excitement, could they really do it?

[paradoxi-callum]

#49 Sunak's Snack, 19 July

Rishi picked the fried dolphin out of his pleasingly luminescent teeth and sent a text to the Tory groupchat.

"This is mine, isn't it lads?"

He was left on read.

"I'll level up the country proper!"

Still left on read.

"Not like the others, I'm a good one aren't I?"

Still left on read.

"I'll give you all a go in the Jag ;)"

Still left on read.

"I'll bring everyone booze to the next work meeting, and I'll let you bring Stilton and Edam."

Still left on read.

"Fine, look, I'll give you all a grand."

A few people replied.

"Two grand?"

A few more people replied.

"Three?"

"Four?"

"Five?"

"Ten?"

That got their attention.

[paradoxi-callum]

#48 Truss (not the framework), 19 July 

Liz grabbed a paper and spat on it. 

"Fucking Rishi Fucking Sunak!" She sneered. 

The suncream she'd applied to her forehead came running down, all gloopy like custard. 

"How can he say he doesn't have working class friends and still be popular?" 

"I love the working class, I think it's funny to watch them out my castle window." 

[paradoxi-callum]

#47 If Only, 17 July 

Sir Mark Rowley was melting in front of his TV. 

He'd flicked it to Channel 4 where some racing was happening in New York, he didn't give a shit but also couldn't be bothered to get the remote.

"Fuck it, I'll give it a go." He mumbled. 

Before the race a member of the NYPD Ceremonial Unit stood to sing the national anthem.

The wheels started spinning. 

"Might have to mention this to the lads." 

He pulled his phone out and sent a voice message to his minions.

"I want our officers to sing!" He bellowed.

His minions, in a separate group chat, decided he'd went mad with power.