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Well, I'm moving on with my life, trying to free little Ally from a dark room she locked herself in. And now, I find myself needing to cut ties with a so called friend who, in truth, led me to make several poor decisions along my journey. This friend, who always operated in extremes, all or nothing, made me question my own sense of civility and mirrored the kind of dynamic I’ve lived with since I can remember. First with my family, then at school, and finally in some of the relationships I’ve had throughout my life.

Cutting ties with her was important for my personal growth. It means I no longer allow certain things to happen to me. It’s curious to realize that, in 26 years, I had never done that before: cut ties with my aggressors.

She destroyed all the good things we had and posted about it on social media. Which, honestly, is not the first time that’s happened to me. Apparently, the people I used to get close to enjoyed doing that.

From today on, I can live more peacefully. In the future, maybe I’ll be able to coexist with narcissistic and possessive people who see me as a savior for their personal issues. But today, I find comfort in seeing myself as everything that’s wrong with the world. I like the role they place me in, the one who’s to blame for all misfortunes, who’s not understanding, who’s selfish and abandons people in their worst moments.

There are some people who, unfortunately, make you feel guilty for being well and happy while they are suffering. So they constantly make you suffer, just so you can be like them and continue identifying with them. They see the world as a horrible place that will never get better.

Since my earliest years. I like to see things as being terribly good, a somewhat childish view of a terrible world. I know that’s who I am. I know I should put both feet on the ground and accept that I’ve chosen to live in a bad world. But I just can’t do that. I can’t keep little Ally locked in a room, hidden away. She needs to come out and say, “Yes, I don’t want to live in a horrible world.” She needs to come out every day and try to see the good things that make life worth living, because there are many of them.

I really liked that friend. We exchanged confidences and letters. But since 2024, when I was finally emerging from two depressive years, she began to attack me, demeaning comments, excessive jealousy, life ideas that offended me, and the trivialization of my diagnosis... All of that made me sad, and I stayed close out of love and respect for her, because she helped me through one of my worst moments in 2023. Now I understand that she didn’t really help me, she was just happy to see me doing worse than she was.

She comes from a narcissistic family, based on extremes, and she replicates the abusive patterns she learned at home. I understood her, loved her, and respected her even though it hurt me, because unfortunately I learned to love and respect people like that since I was a child.

But now I understand that loving someone who hurts you is not as noble a gesture as I once thought it was. Loving an aggressor, even a subtle one, is like making the world a terrible place and locking little Ally away again.

I hope I never again have to be horrible or see life through such a dark lens.

Ally

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Spring awakens in Louis Feuillade’s Le Printemps (1909).

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Girl, Interrupted (1999)

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Debut Bent Life LP “Never Asked For Heaven” out August 5th, 2016 on Bridge Nine Records

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Boy Harsher, Photos by Ciara Duffy

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The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) Dir. David Fincher

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“Ariel on the Bat’s Back.” illustration by Joseph Severn, 1888.

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