pathstoponder

[pathstoponder]

Love Letters I Never Sent #4

What I’d like to tell you:

I think about you all the time. I want to tell you about the coffee I made this morning and what color I painted my nails and what I learned from reading Pascal for school last night. I type out good morning and good night texts every day and never send them. I ask you a million questions about your day because I genuinely want to know what you’re thinking about, what you’re doing, what your daily life looks like. I tease you because I don’t know how else to hide my feelings for you. You’re the only person who can make me so nervous that I can’t stop talking. I’m sorry for the text I sent in August. I perk up whenever someone mentions your name. I tried to stop thinking about you and it didn’t work. I’m more in love with you than I was in July. I wonder if you’ll ever change your mind.

What I actually say:

Did you get home safe?

[pathstoponder]

Love Letters I Never Sent #4

Come be with me.

Come walk into my house, you’ll find me in the kitchen. I’ll brew the coffee and you can take your seat at the counter. Take a breath, look around, smell the freshly ground coffee beans, notice the quiet padding of my footsteps. I’ll bring you that mug you love; I saved it just for you. 

I’ll ask nothing of you here. You can rest with me, exist without expectations. You can linger over your mug as long as you like, even after it gets cold and your hands are wrapped around it just for something to hold. I’ll bring mine over and curl up on the seat next to you. I’ll ask you about your day, what you had for lunch, if you saw any dogs on your way. If you don’t have any words, I’ll give you mine instead. I just like to be in your presence. I just want you to feel at home with me. 

Love is a home. Love is walking into an unfamiliar space with strange people and relaxing once you see I’m here too. Love is giving my hand a secret squeeze in a room full of our friends just to let me know you heard that joke I whispered under my breath. Love is a long hug at the end of a longer day until we both feel a little more like ourselves. Love is no expectations, but a quiet assurance that who you are today is enough for me. Love sees when you aren’t yourself and says it’s okay, that I still remember who you are, who you’ve been, who you’re becoming. You may have lost a few of your puzzle pieces, but I know where to find them, I know where they fit. We can hunker down in my living room and search for them until the picture is complete. 

[pathstoponder]

Love Letters I Never Sent #3

July 9th was one of the best nights of my life.

It could’ve gone terribly wrong. To this day, I have no idea what came over me when I agreed to go camping with you. I’d known you for all of 5 days, I’d never met the friends we were going with. I’d only been camping once. And I hated the desert. And yet, I still said yes. 

In the week leading up to it, I had some hesitancies. For one, do you usually invite girls you barely know on camping trips in the desert? For another, what was I going to wear? And again, why did I, as a very shy introvert, agree to this in the first place? Not to mention the numerous phone calls from my parents asking me the exact same questions. Yet Friday came and I found myself in your car, sitting in the back with your brother, looking out the window while you played your Icelandic rock and indie playlist while we drove. I’ve been listening to that playlist ever since. 

3 hours later we made it. I remember you pulled over on the side of the road before we even reached the campsite just because you were so excited to finally see the stars. I still didn’t know much about you, but I dare anyone to watch someone else get so excited about stars and galaxies that they stop literally everything to take it all in and not fall a teeny tiny bit for them. I liked the stars before, but now I love how they remind me of you.

We only got 20 minutes of sleep that night. Granted, we all got coffee and energy drinks on the way there, but we were also too in awe of the sky to close our eyes. That, and the four stoned guys setting up a tent 10 feet away were too noisy to allow for anything else. Our shoulders touched while you pointed out each constellation to me; I think I missed a few because I was watching you instead. You told me to pick out a constellation of my own, but I found one for you. I’d like to think that when you look at the stars now you’ll think of me too. 

We talked for hours that night, eyes on the sky. You told me your fears, and your dreams, and your history. I discovered that you own one of my favorite laughs in the world, and I coaxed it out of you as much as humanly possible. I saw how thoughtful you are, your intelligence, how you care about others so deeply, your sense of adventure, your love of what feels like home. I added all those things to the map I’m drawing of you, charting new territory so I can find my way to you. I’m photographing it all in my mind, making a scrapbook so we never forget who we are right now, so we never forget the way it all began. I’m jotting down notes as we go before our future is only history. 

I never want to forget you that night, hopeful and excited and free. I never want to forget the way you slowly unfolded in front of me, how I got to really see you for the first time. I never want to forget that for a night, if only that night, we really were something tangible, something real. As we watched the sun rise, I thought that wherever we may land, for that night, we were us. We were a beginning. 

[pathstoponder]

Love Letters I Never Sent #2

It wasn’t love at first sight.

I remember the first day we met. You were wearing colorful shoes that everyone liked and holding a sign to welcome people in. Your hair was long and curly on top; your eyes smiled along with your mouth. I remember making you laugh and noticing how it started at your eyes before any sound came out. But I didn’t love you then. 

I remember talking in the parking lot later with you and one of your friends. You were sitting on your skateboard, rocking back and forth with the conversation. You almost fell off a few times. I had my hands in the pocket of my brown jean jacket, holding myself tightly in. I wasn’t ready for you yet. You told me you were from Tennessee, that you moved to study stars and space, that you wanted to be in the control room to send a man to the moon one day. I remember looking a little closer at the moon when I left that night, noticing its craters and shadows as I walked to my car. I thought yours would make a cool story someday. But I didn’t love you yet.

We talked a little bit the following week. My mom asked if I was interested in you, and I assured her we were just friends. We were only talking. I hardly knew you then. It wasn’t love. We were only friends.

But that night in July, our second night, I returned to that same spot. I was talking to another friend, and I turned around. You were walking towards me when I looked at you, and you smiled up to your eyes. I realized when I smiled back it was with my eyes too. That was when I knew it was the beginning. That’s when I knew it was something. 

[pathstoponder]

Love Letters I Never Sent #1

That night, you told me you weren’t ready for a relationship. You said you were too broken, you couldn’t treat me as well as you want to. You thought I’d get lost in your darkness, that I’d be buried by your weight. I wonder what you thought I meant when I said I’d be with you anyway.

When I say I love you, I don’t mean I only love you when you’re happy. I don’t mean I think you can fix me, or that I can fix you. I don’t think you’re my better half, or my other half at all. I don’t say I love you to hear you say it back. 

I want to be with you. I want to sit next to you in your deep, dark wells and hold your hand. I want to walk by your side when you feel lost. When you forget who you are, I want to be there to remind you. When you feel alone, I want to be a tangible sign that you’re not. When you feel unlovable, I’ll be the proof that you’re not. Wherever you go, I’ll be your home. When you look at the stars, I’ll be your North. 

This darkness is not forever. This heaviness is not the end. You will go so far in your life, and there will be more mountains and valleys in your future. Nights and days will keep coming. Good times and bad times will pass. But as you look ahead, I hope you’ll take me with you. I hope you’ll let me hold your hand. 

[pathstoponder]

Thought #1

Happiness doesn’t stick to me anymore. I don’t stumble across it as easily in my daily life as I used to a year ago. Six months ago, even. I never had to look for it; it just knew where to find me. But now I’m lost. Sometimes I’ll feel it brush by, a near miss, a whisper of what used to be. The taste of my coffee, a rainy day, wearing my favorite pajamas to bed. Yet it never stays. I wonder if I’ve become invisible to it. I wonder if I became immune.

Last week I thought I didn’t care if I lived or died. I can’t remember my last good day; it must have been October. It’s April now, but it’s been winter ever since. I’m weary of coaxing myself out of bed every morning, scattering tiny breadcrumbs of hope for myself to follow through the rest of my day. I told myself no one would notice. I told myself I would be better off. I told myself it didn’t matter, that I didn’t matter. I almost had myself convinced.

But I noticed as I walked that I still skipped cracks on the sidewalk. When my favorite song came through my headphones, I found myself humming along. When I passed a dog, I still whispered a hello. I realized that the adult in me might not care, but the little kid in me is still here. She still makes up games as she walks, she still sings along to songs she loves, she still makes friends out of strangers’ dogs. The little girl still wants to live. The little girl still has dreams for when she grows up. And I do still care, at least a little. 

The little girl would jump out of bed just because she was excited to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast. She would look forward to school just because she was wearing her favorite outfit. She would run to the car after school so she could go home and eat graham crackers while reading Nancy Drew. She didn’t care that they were little things. Little things can be big things too. Little things are worth living for, too. 

[pathstoponder]

New Me Challenge

Self-Care:

Take vitamins (reason: ensure that I’m getting essential nutrients and staying healthy, immune support)

Stretch for 5 min. in the morning (reason: increase circulation and flexibility, keeps muscles healthy. It also feels good after sleep and helps wake me up)

Do skincare routine, morning and night. My basic routine is a double cleans, serum, moisturizer, and sunscreen, with extras added in as needed. (reason: my skin will look and feel better. I also enjoy going through the routine itself. It also lowers my chances of skin cancer.)

Brush teeth and floss. (reason: this one is less of an issue for me, but apparently I’m genetically predisposed to cavities so I need to be extra vigilant going forward.)

Drink 70 oz of water per day. This will increase over time until I’m at 101 oz per day according to my water app. (reason: water is good for me. There’s a lot of benefits, specifically helping you stay energized throughout the day and allowing your body to perform its various functions.)

Dry brushing before showers. (reason: again, lots of benefits. It helps exfoliate dead skin cells, decreases ingrown hairs, improves circulation and lymphatic drainage, and stimulates the nervous system.)

Workout at least 3x per week for 15 min. The type of workout can vary depending on my energy level, but most likely will be either yoga or dance workouts (I like MadFit’s on Youtube.) (reason: I want to stay at least somewhat in shape. I’m pretty sedentary most of the day, so I need to be more intentional about being active to avoid the many problems that come with sitting all day.)

General Life Stuff

Limit social media. My current average time on Instagram is 4 hours (yikes) so I’m going to gradually work it down to 1-1 1/2 hours. I have a timer on my phone that will shut it off automatically after I hit my limit, so this week I set it for 3 hours and will reduce it by 30 min each week. (reason: Instagram sucks up too much of my time, and it is often unconscious. I want to break the unconscious habit of scrolling through and give myself more time to do things that are better for my mental health.) 

Read for 15 min per day. Since starting college, pleasure reading has mostly gone out the window. I used to really enjoy books, whether they were fiction or not. So my goal is to read for a bit each day whenever I have time in whatever genre I feel like. (reason: reading is mental exercise that will keep my brain from blobbing. It’s also something I enjoy, making for some natural happiness in my day.)

Make my bed. This doesn’t have to be in the morning, but that’s what I’ll aim for. (reason: my room just looks better without a messy bed. It’s also a quick task I can check off and spur me towards greater productivity.)

30 min. of quiet time. This can be a number of things, like journaling, reading the Bible, prayer, or meditation. I like to leave it open to whatever I need that day. This is something I usually do in the mornings, but sometimes I don’t get to it until night if I have a busy schedule. (reason: taking this time slows my whole day down. I can feel the difference in my mental state if I skip it, and it’s not good. I need this time to be at my best attitude-wise. I also want to get in the habit of making God the priority in my life, and setting this time aside is a big part of that.)

Set 3 to-do’s for each day, preferably the night before. These can be big things or small things. Sometimes they’re all work-related, and sometimes they can be things like taking a shower or doing my laundry. (reason: this prevents “zero” days. Even if it’s small, I can at least end the day knowing I accomplished something.)

Wake up by 9 am. This one matters to me because morning and night are my sweet spots for productivity. Afternoons kill me. So waking up around noon, as I have been lately, catapults me straight into my least favorite time of day and sets me up for failure. So to address this, I’ll start waking up half an hour earlier each wake to gradually fix my crazy sleep schedule. (reason: gives me more time to be productive. It’s also a more reasonable time in general, and it won’t be as hard to adjust once school and work starts again.)

Tidy room before bed. I’m not a super messy person, but things pile up if I don’t do a little bit of cleaning each day. Setting a 10 minute timer and doing a tidy-up before going to bed is pretty doable. (reason: It’s nice to wake up to a clean space each morning. It’s also easier to maintain a clean space rather than doing a big clean every now and then.)

[pathstoponder]

Why I’m Starting this Challenge:

After some big life changes and two weeks of hibernating in my room as I try to deal with them, I decided to create my own full potential challenge. Some of the things you go through can’t help but change you, so I’ve decided to lean into that change and make it for the better. I figured I can either continue on the path of becoming a hopeless blob with a terrible sleep schedule and no ambitions, or I can use this time to work on becoming someone that I’ve always wanted to be. 

I researched the science of making goals and actually achieving them, and what I have found is that it is important to connect your specific goal (i.e. making the bed every morning) with the reason for that goal (wanting to maintain a neater space, which helps me stay productive longer through my day). I started with my big picture dream: becoming someone who is generally more on top of her life through productive work times and holistic self-care. I then broke that dream down into smaller pieces that lead to that goal, loosely following the SMART goal guidelines: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. 

I have a few extra items that are helping me keep track. I’m using a habit-tracker I got from Amazon, which is displayed prominently on my desk so I won’t forget about it. I also have a water-tracking app on my phone that sends me reminders and kills plants when I don’t hit my goal. My last tool is this blog, which I’m hoping will help keep me accountable since I’ll be logging my progress regularly. 

I’ll be starting this challenge officially tomorrow (December 22, 2020). It’s kind of a random time, but I don’t see a point in waiting until the New Year to start getting out of this rut. I’m going to work on this specific challenge until the end of January, 41 days. I’ll re-evaluate and go from there after that. 

[pathstoponder]