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pentatonicpython · 2 years ago

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What I'm about to write is potentially a huge confession about who I am as a person. Some time in the future I'm sure to look back at this post and either cringe at how dumb I was or be disgusted by how horrifying my current take on life is.

I don't understand Morality

And when I say that I don't understand it, I don't mean that I don't have personal morals or Ideals. Quite conversely it seems as though, at least compared to the typical person in my society, I care a lot more about Ideals and Morals than others. To an allistic person, personality and Ego are based on social factors, but to an autistic person the self is based on Ideals, Morals, and interests.

It's not just that I have opinions about things, to me my opinions ARE who I am. They are the definition of my personality, my life, my mind, my everything. This makes my current confusion with the nature of things all the more labyrinthine. To question the nature of ideals and morality is to question my existence as a person.

To begin to explain what I mean, I think I first have to talk about the differences between Objective Morality and Subjective Morality. A system with objective morality would imply that there is Inherent "Good" and "Evil" in the world. By extension it would mean that people, places, things, and actions all have the ability to be wholly good or wholly evil, not just as a consideration or opinion of the observer, but as an inherent fact of their existence. The opposite of this, subjective morality, would imply that all matters of morality are subject to perception and bias. This would mean true good and evil don't actually exist, but rather are matters of the ego itself or act as social constructs.

The skeptic in me sees no proof of a universe in which Objective Morality is real. Part of me thinks it would almost require a world veiw that involves some sort of universal higher power, or in the very least a spiritual reality to the human psyche.

As an atheist I see no compelling argument here, however it's undeniable to me that there are certain things in this life I personally would consider undeniable Evil.

Placing this concept on the back burner I'd like to talk about sort of the inciting incident for this existential rant. I was watching a negative review of one of my favorite shows "Steven Universe" and in the review the narrator heavily criticized the redemption arc of the great diamond authority, which to those unfamiliar with the show, are essentially space fascists. According to the narrator there are people that cannot and should not ever be forgiven or redeemed. To be completely honest I some what agreed with this take.

Where I take dilemma is, within the list of things the narrator declares "Unforgivable and Irredeemable" lies Abuse. At this point anyone reading this might be able to see how this concept is starting to unpack my more subjective veiws on reality.

I myself believe I have been raised in a dysfunctional family rife with abuse. My immediate family was more so psychologically and emotionally abusive, but my extended family was also physically and sexually abusive.

When I look back Instead to realize that I myself must have been abusive and toxic by nature. To some unknown extent I might still be. If they are unforgivable and Irredeemable, that must mean I am unforgivable and Irredeemable.

It's easy to sit back and tell myself that I was just a child or that "hurt people hurt people." It's very tempting to delegate my toxic past or abusive behaviors as beyond my control, but I feel personally that if I do I will never become a less toxic person. Try as I might to improve, according to this line of reasoning I am already unforgivable and Irredeemable.

I think the problem is that when someone does something we consider to be wrong or immoral we believe they have either done it out of corrupted character or ignorance. My previous behavior could be an example of corrupted character, I was acting in the way that I did due to my environment. Today I am likely abusive out of ignorance, and this post also serves as a self admittance of ignorance. Effectively there is no "middle ground" where someone can be ignorantly Evil. The mere status of being ignorant is Evil.

I'm not sure wether this makes me a horrific monster incapable of seeing or doing good in the way others are, or if humanity in general has built it's entire existence on understanding, utilizing, and perfecting something that cannot be understood or used in any capacity. Potentially because it does not exist

#random rant #steven universe #philosophy #diary

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