perplexingluciddreams

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my life would be so much worse without swing

i am so relieved and grateful for swing

it is so important

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i hate autism i hate my body it is not fucking fair

angry angry angry angry ANGRY

bad bad bad awful everything horrible frustrated sad angry BAD

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destiny

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arthur and merlin are both SO deeply lonely but in completely opposite ways. they’re both so alone and they don’t even realise the other is hurting just as much. merlin thinks arthur could never understand, arthur thinks merlin has no idea what pressure he’s under. and they’re both wrong. and every time they come close to understanding each other, something rips them apart again. it’s a specific kind of pain watching two people who need each other so badly and still never fully say it until it is Too Late™

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i feel locked inside my mind. unreachable

and it is so LOUD in there

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㋡🥀

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in third grade on the swing with my friend i announced “i figured it out” and my friend said “figured what out” and i said “the meaning of life!” and being third graders this was very exciting so she leaned in and i whispered in her ear “it’s to have fun” and i don’t remember her reaction but i remember how i felt and how i knew so clearly that was the answer. how my small mind was beaming and shimmering with this answer that makes me scoff today but i know that they were right. i was right

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being tired is morally neutral. needing rest is morally neutral. taking care of yourself is a completely neutral if not good act. fatigue is human and so is sleep. you were put on this earth to honk mimimi.

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when the p in pendragon stands for Perplexed

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having a body is a sensory nightmare

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i'm sorry i wiggled your skinny boyfriend like a sheet of metal. weeop womp weeoop womp weeeoop womp

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i went all the way up the stairs on my own with alternating legs!!

🙌🏻🥳💪🏻i am proud of myself working so hard all the time

i want to be stronger. i try so hard

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the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” is actually not the full phrase it actually is “curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back” so don’t let anyone tell you not to be a curious little baby okay go and be interested in the world uwu

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having an expressive-receptive language disorder is so infuriating in this world it's like. i understand the language of bodies and faces and eyes, of music, of shape and color and art and motion, of the wind and the world and the stars. i can understand the information you're telling me but not from you and your words. my mother tongue is the way the sound of a table being set echoes around the room and fills the space, the only tongue we all share, when it was meant to be the most spoken language in the world. i am so smart in my mother tongue but you cannot speak it well, and i have learned that i need to be the one to speak yours or i lose my chance to live, so i love words intimately from my years spending hours learning each one; i am a linguist who cannot read or write. i hate words as they are the tool wielded against me, the invention of the majority that i cannot use, but words are my lovers, they've become my dearest companions that very few people will have the same relationship with. in order to have someone know that i cannot use their mother tongue, i must speak their mother tongue. the more i use theirs the more i lose mine, but mine is what made me fall in love with living and to live i must use theirs, and even when necessary i cannot cannot cannot unless i use up all my energy for it and then continue to overdraw. and despite it all i love your mother tongue, because in spoken language i am easily able to understand my human friends, i can read them as i've learned over years years years YEARS how their language presents itself in mine. but should i try to come up with a way to show my experiences, i must speak in your tongue, and unlike the bank i know to draw from with my friends, the words are not there. so i simply read my mother tongue whenever i can, watching the light pass along the walls and falling in love with the way the wheels move along the train tracks in a way i can't share the way my loved ones can with me. why must i speak when everything is written out in front of you already. why must i speak your tongue when you won't speak mine. everything i say will be a shadow of what i mean.

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big big reminder that high support needs / severe autism / level 3 autism folk aren't very straightforward narrow topic too . we rather big spectrum as well !!! some us need very specific type supports than another some us need multiple caretakers ect !!! and reminder that just because high support needs / severe autism / level 3 autism person learn to do or can do a task independently doesn't mean theyre lower needs now.

i know level 3 autistic guy with severe cognitive impairment who can unload and load dishwasher by self, set plates on table for meals and wash body most well independently but with supervised in the room for safety, but that dont make his support needs and autism level lower he still cant take care of himself by own, cant go out home by self, cant shop by self, cant drive, doesn't understand stuff same level others do, still need that carer for life.

so please remember autistic people who high need level 3 severe ect not monolith too we are all different, different interests, different abilities, different ways of supports too!!

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Imao why is Tumblr so ugly on computer :(

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i'd also like to acknowledge just how difficult it is to interact with other people when your frustration tolerance is low and your ability to regulate emotions is impaired. people often are combative or have a point to prove or don't want to be wrong in a certain situation. they don't come into an interaction assuming they should accommodate for disability or be willing to do so. people are expected at every point in an interaction, to engage calmly and politely and have objective points to make. that's the sort of culture that's been cultivated if you want to be taken seriously. but developmentally disabled people, intellectually disabled people, people with brain damage - all sorts of disabled people can't manage it. sometimes someone will meltdown and say they hate you and tell you to go away for a mild disagreement. even if your intentions are well. it's meaningless cruel to nitpick at the demeanor of people who struggle with self-regulation especially in cases where the situation is stressful.