petrafied716

[petrafied716]

8/27

I sometimes think that transition will be the end all be all for my poor perception of my body. I always look at these people during and after their transition, smiling and commenting on how their life and body is better. It’s something that I really envy: enjoying how your body feels and looks. This is especially prevalent in trans girls, as I’ve seen so many of them go through a drastic transformation. Is it really what I need for myself?

I’ve obviously found out it’s much more than just clothes, pronouns and names. It’s a lot of internal conflict preventing me from being happy with myself. Most of the happiness I express is outward.

I know I can’t always be happy. Am I not supposed to be happy about my body? Is anyone really happy about their body? Am I unhappy enough with my body to push me over the edge towards transition? Is it ok to smile at myself in the mirror sometimes, and then despise myself other times? What does it mean when I get flustered to some compliments, and indifferent to others? Am I faking everything? Does it matter?

How badly do I really want to be a girl? How badly do I really want to be Petra? How long will It be till I know?

Patience is tough when you're someone always working for results.

[petrafied716]

8/25

God, being patient sucks. Today’s therapy session grounded me back into knowing that this process is, well, a process. As much as I want to go gung-ho into this, getting HRT, changing my pronouns, I know I really shouldn’t. Hell, when my therapist asked me what I prefer to be referred to as, I almost cried. Not because I really wanted to hear that question, but because I don’t know how to respond to that anymore. I don’t want to be referred to as a guy anymore, but I can’t accept myself being referred to as a girl yet. I don’t feel like I’m a girl yet, even if I convince myself that I should be like that. There are these two sides of me tearing me apart. It was painful and pressuring to feel at the time.

Not in person at least. Forms and “anonymous” questions for my name and gender are becoming easier to put in as “Petra” and “she/her”. Almost like I, go figure, want to be referred to as such.

I guess I’m also scared that I can be wrong in my reality. My therapist told me that names and gender should be fluid, and it can change however you feel, and while I understand that, and alot of people are accepting it as common knowledge, it’s a relatively “new” thing, and I can see a lot of people believing it as a trend, plus, seeing those people as disingenuous. I guess I’m also scared of being disingenuous. I don’t want people to look at me and get confused, or avoid me because I can’t make up my mind as to what I want.

[petrafied716]

8/24 (Backlog)

I’ve reached a state of “normalcy” lately. The past couple of days have been focused around me doing work, and hanging out with my friend. Just relaxing and enjoying things for what I they are. It made me think that this whole time I’ve been “fighting” for myself, and never gave myself a chance to relax.

I’ve been fighting for my happiness in trying to be trans, trying to take in all the signs that there could be, and experimenting with what I like, main contender being clothes. It came as a shock to me initially that I didn’t like everything I wore, but as I thought about it, that’s fine. I don’t need to like everything feminine to validate my thoughts of being trans. What should validate these thoughts is me being happier identifying as the opposite gender. I’ve just been living these past couple of days contently without thinking of it. No one has really talked about my name, pronouns, etc. I’ve just been a person.

So, what defines me being trans? Why do I want for myself?

Well, I’d like my body proportions to be more like a girls. That appeals to me. HRT won’t do all the work for me. Working out more and making better eating choices will help, and I think transition will be the push to get me to be healthier. I also want to be referred to as a girl. Being called He and the such makes me grimace. 

[petrafied716]

8/22 (Backlog)

Quite a bit to write about so lets get down to the meat of things.

I forgot to update this last night for the event that happened, but i got home at 2am and needed to sleep. So what were the highlights after sushi?

Well, first I came out to one of my oldest friends that I was questioning my gender, possibly trans, and they took it very well. They just said that I’ll always be their friend, regardless of gender. This is starting to become much easier, and the anxiety of telling people about this stuff is lessening. I’m feeling good.

After that, we decided to hit up a party a couple of towns over. I didn’t know anyone there, so I thoughts it would be a good idea to try out “Petra”. The only person I talked to there was a rando, and when they asked for my name, I hesitated, but said “Petra” nonetheless. They didn’t question it, didn’t ask anything, just said, “Nice to meet you.” and went on with the night. 

My body rushed with adrenaline after the fact, and I couldn’t stop smiling. It was a feeling like none other. Best way to describe it was “rewarding”. It just flowed off my tongue, and it felt nice to say. I kept repeating that for the rest of the night, keeping my mood high. There were other great events that night, but for the sake of keeping this journal catered to my gender journey, we’ll leave it at that.

Today, things were a little different. I was in complete work mode for my professor's game. I was straight to my computer, coding and working in Unity. I thought of nothing else, which kinda scared me. It wasn’t a time that I ever felt dysphoric. I just kinda acted upon myself, getting dressed and doing my daily routine. It made me wonder if this whole thing is a phase, like I should always be thinking about not wanting to be a boy. I just didn’t care. As the day progressed, work slowed, I ate, relaxed, and am now realizing that I don’t need to feel dysphoric all the time to feel valid about what I want. Right now writing this, I’m still thinking about how I would be happier as a girl. I don’t need to be on cloud 9 every day. Sometimes I just got to live life. This whole thing wont take place over the course of a week. There will be repeats of these days where emotions are muffled, but they don’t invalidate anything that’s gone on this entire journey. I dressed in boy clothes, thought nothing of it, and kept going. Hell, if I do go though transition, much of my wardrobe is going to be androgynous. I think I’m fine. Now to play some games and feel good about the effort I put in today.

Here’s the other thing. There has never been a day where I DONT want to be a girl. There have been days where I don’t care about not being one, but never a time where I feel negatively about being a girl. Boy, 3-6/10. Girl? 5-10/10.

If I was a girl during this time, I’d be able to put a smile on my face whenever, just to be happy in this new, affirming body.

I think this is because my background is a scene from missed messages, and it just makes me so happy to see, because it’s a transgirl and  another girl laying on a blanket, looking up into the stars around pink clouds. My fucking dream.

Honey, its 9PM, time for your dysphoria. 

The idea of being called miss makes me smile.

The idea of being referred to as she and her makes me smile.

The idea of being seen as a girl makes me smile.

Being a guy and referred to as such doesn’t give me these emotions, only indifference.

Being called cute as a guy is flattering, but I always shunned it. Being called cute as a girl would make me go crazy.

[petrafied716]

8/21 (Backlog)

My new stitch fix package came a day earlier than anticipated, so my parents knew that I got the clothes. I got a little worried, since my mom really wanted me to give her a “fashion show”, but my excitement for the box overwhelmed my worries. 

The box itself wasn’t as great as last time. That’s not to say that there wasn’t any clothes that I really enjoyed wearing. In fact, I got a necklace set, shorts, and the sweater I was eyeing on their website, so that really excited me. I also got an open kimono that’s really cute, and a lot of fun to wear. The only thing I didn't like was this one floral top that felt too effeminate for me to wear at the moment. Didn’t feel too comfortable, since I don’t see my body as female yet.

So where’s the problem?

That last sentence says it all, “I dont see my body as female yet.” Wearing the clothes were nice, but they equally give me a sense of dysphoria, in that I really don’t have the body that I want. I’m always taking notice at my bulge, lack of a waistline, and short hair, not even that great for a pixie cut. It just felt wrong. The clothes felt right, but the body felt wrong. The shorts are a pleasure to wear, but they show off my razor bumps, and when I pull them up, they tug on my penis and testicles, giving me a really uncomfortable camel toe. At one point, I looked down and just asked, “Why are you there? Why do you have to be there?”. Lack of breasts are also something, as that contour I so crave just isn’t there. No bra either to hug me. Is this a problem with me?

I need some better hair.

My little stubble on my chest doesn't help at all when I want to expose. I want it gone. Forever. Smooth. No one will really notice it at first glance, but I notice it. I notice my masculine features, however muffled and small they may be. I hate them.

These pictures I took aren’t terrible. They actually look like a girl is in them. I mean, those without my face. And as long as I contort my body to emphasize my back and chest. Sigh.

Thought the ones were its just, jeans, shirt, and overshirt I look and feel badass. I just need the hair.

I put on my regular shorts after everything to be more physically comfortable, and I just hate how long they are. There’s no winning.

Sadness and jealousy has now turned to frustration. I’m frustrated that I’m not living in the body that feels right to me, and I’m frustrated that whatever I do I feel like a man.

Sometimes I feel like punching or ripping my dick off. What I used to pride myself in I hate now. My dick and voice were the two things that tethered me to being a man, and im starting to understand that they were the anchor points to keep me from thinking I wanted to be a girl. 

My body says boy. My mind says girl.

This night has been progressing in a way I never imagined. When going out to meet my parents, I was needed with a huge group of my parents friends, mixed with He/hims, my son, etc. It all felt awkward, but I don’t know if I’m feeling forced by it.

Though once I was met with my “party” friend group, things were much more relaxed, especially when the conversation oddly asked if I was queer, which I said I was. They weren’t resistant, but more so, curious. I feel better by the eventual.

[petrafied716]

8/20 (Backlog)

My mom came in right as I was doing research on HRT. I’m still embarrassed about the whole thing, but she ended up seeing it. She wasn’t defensive or anything, she just asked what I was looking at. I said, “HRT.” She said I should talk to my therapist about it, and keep thinking. I think I’m fine with that answer, given the limited information I’ve given her about my thoughts. She still said that she loved me, which makes me happy. I wonder when I should tell them about this journal, if at all, and how much they should know.

[petrafied716]

8/19 (Backlog)

Why do I have this lurching feeling to avoid people…

I just feel… sad

I’m having trouble getting interested in work, art, and other things. Maybe I just need to get out of my room.

“Big thing with insecurities is that it only affects you...and once you realize that, you’re the only one making a big deal out of it.”

I ate something for dinner, got out of my room, wore some gender affirming clothing, and now I’m in my hammock outside with music. I feel much better. I needed to be myself. These clothes make me feel amazing.

Yo where them tiddie skittles at?

Testosterwont?

Breast mints?

Femme pills?

Estrogenerators?

Boob food?

Puberty 2.0s?

Transgender-o’s?

Pronoun pills?

Ibuprofemme?

[petrafied716]

8/18 pt2 (Backlog)

It’s around 10pm right now, and this is the lowest I’ve felt about myself during this. I said I would do another log tomorrow to process today’s therapy session, but stuff sort of escalated.

I’ve been feeling very dysphoric afterwards. We talked alot about when I started to crossdress, and how I felt wearing a bra. We talked about how I felt when crying, and what It means. Like i said, it was a feeling of acknowledgement, that I wanted to be female, and that this feeling has been repressed for such a long time. Saying “this is me” only gets me to realize that i have this heavy feeling in my chest. I want it to desperately go away. I want to feel as light as I did before wearing that bra. Distractions got tough. I resorted a lot to picking at my ingrown hairs. They make me think that all of this is a mistake and that I’m doing something wrong. I want to get rid of them, rid of this feeling. The clothes I wear don’t help at all. I only have one pair of pants that makes me feel more effeminate, and it gets me hot. My dick is too big to hide that well. I really hate my bulge. I’m so scared of coming out and trying to be who I am. I look nothing like a girl. I feel nothing like a girl, but i desperately want to be a girl. I feel like crying, but I keep getting choked up. As much as I want to tell people this, I don’t want to. I want to vent about these pent up emotions and have people affirm that I’m a girl, but what’s the point if it looks like I’m not making an effort. 

Sometimes I wish I could just restart my life. Sometimes i wish I could wake up with longer hair, a chest, no dick, a girls face. Sometimes I wish...i could stop feeling this overwhelming weight in my system. Maybe then I could live a normal life.

Do I want a normal life? Does anyone want a normal life? I want to live my best life, and if my best life isn’t something normal, than so be it. I just wish my best life was my life now. I desperately want to be happy, and to stop having these phases of questioning and nothingness. They’re coming more and more often. I’m trying to cling onto trans media, such as a new webcomic called “Goodbye to Halos”, and a game called “one spring, one night”. I’m so happy that there’s people like me, but I’m so jealous of these same people. The jealousy becomes longing, and the longing becomes sadness. 

I want to be a girl. I want to be addressed as she/her. I want a fuller chest, slight contour for my waist, and longer hair. I want my voice to be higher. I want to be called something other than [birthname], or he/him, or son, or sir, or anything masc. 

These are all achievable. At what point will I get to them, and at what point will I feel like I’ve made a difference in myself. At what point can I affirm to myself that i’m a girl.

When can I see myself as a girl, and why can’t I now? Why does it have to be these superficial attributes based around my body? I fucking hate it. 

I want to cry like I cried with the bra and pads on.

Maybe this is a sign of me being more confident with myself, and the longing to be more.

Distractions only muffle this feeling now. They come back.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I shouldn’t deserve love and support for coming out as trans and changing who I am. I feel like I’m deceiving people, and having them question who I really am. Maybe that’s why when people ask about my pronouns, I say I prefer She/her, but tell them if it’s too hard I don’t mind he him.

[petrafied716]

8/18 pt1 (Backlog)

I think I’m starting to get jealous of more and more girls, and trans girls. They’re just so awesome. I want to be that.

I’ve been having the urge to wear my feminine clothing more. While it isn't much, it’s the boyfriend jeans, my large sweatshirt and some cute tshirts. It feels more comfortable than my male clothes, both physically and emotionally. It’s reaffirming. Whenever I wear my cargo shorts and a tshirt, I just feel wrong.

The desire to buy more is increasing. I bought the short shorts, I’m anxious for my next stitch fix box, and I’m thinking of wearing and buying a bra almost everyday.

My mom calling me son felt a little weird, and saying my own name when getting takeout feels like a lie.

Sometimes I also feel like I’m wronging myself. It’s all doubt if I’m really trans, and I know that a lot of people have the same feelings, but when should I listen to it? Maybe it’s caused by me not seeing myself as female yet. I can wear whatever I want, fantasize and scour pinterest for affirmative posts and pictures and feel good, but I know I’m still a boy, and I’m perceived as one. I don’t have the body, and I don’t have the voice. And I know I don't want to be an extremely effeminate girl. I’d like to be perceived as an effeminate androgynous girl. Does that make sense? Maybe If I brake it down like this.

Most trans girls that are early in transition try their hardest to pass by wearing dresses, makeup, heels, skirts, jewelry, etc. I could also be completely wrong about my assumptions, but I don’t really feel comfortable layering myself so hard with this.

What I want is something basic. Jeans, shirt, belt, longer hair, some piercings. This is all in my pinterest and the style i said before, which was a grungy art hoe. I don’t have the contour of a girl. I’m a block. That’s probably why. Sweaters definitely help, but I can’t wear them forever. 

I might also be thinking of HRT as a crutch. Like, once I go on it, all my problems will magically go away. I know that’s not the case, but, maybe I’ll feel better taking it. Knowing I’ll be a girl, one that can pridefully present herself to anyone.

I’ve also been having moments where I don’t feel feminine. Most of these times, I’m just playing out myself with my friends. Voice, body, hair, lack of breasts (I looked at some old pictures of myself with short hair and WOW I look better now). Everyone has been saying I had a glow up, and It’s been making me feel really good. My outfits, my hair, and more. I want to keep that feeling of affirmation. All the time.

I look at myself and I see a gay andro boy. Is that how people see me? Does it really matter? Not really. I want to change my own perception of myself. I want to look at myself one day and say, “Yeah, I’m a cute girl.”

How soon can I get to that point? Cause right now, these feelings are eating me inside. I haven’t had these thoughts since high school.

[petrafied716]

8/17 (Backlog)

Lord give me hips.

Me: Wears jeans and a sweatshirt inside to feel fem Also me: Hot af Also also me: haha me is cute

I decided to take them off because hot beats cute. You win this time internal body heat

Dont know if im sad, dysphoric, horny or tired

[petrafied716]

8/15 (Backlog)

I felt like making this post yesterday, but felt that It was too soon for another. Plus, I wanted to finish the day to compile my thoughts. So, what happened?

A lot.

The discord server I’m on for a new name and pronouns just got a whole lot better. One of the moderators revealed they were a drag queen (to the surprise of no one on the server). There was a lot alluding to the idea, but since I was new, never put the pieces together. I came out to the person saying I was a transgirl not yet in social or physical transition, and they welcomed me with open arms. It was just a really good experience. Saying that I was a transgirl instead of wanting to be one felt more natural. It didn't feel like I was lying to myself. I also showed him these logs, and said they would share it to their partner, who is also a mod on the server, and who is a transman. Everything just felt good.

The day after, my family left for Louisiana to help my brother move in. I was alone in the house. So I did what anyone would do. Pace around in my parents room for 15 min before deciding to take a bra, some pads, and dress up. The moment I looked at myself in the mirror with the clothes I got from the subscription service, as well as a little combo of my old clothes filled me with a huge feeling of euphoria that I couldn’t help but cry on the spot. 

It was the first time I cried during this journey. I cried because I felt amazing looking at myself, and felt like I could go through this, but I also cried because I have a long journey ahead of me, filled with troubles. My life was changing for the better, and I want this. I’m happy I’m finally realizing myself and beginning to come to terms with who I want to be.

I wore that bra the entire day. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t help but laugh. It just felt good. I would look down to see the little A cups on me and just feel happy. I enjoyed that there was a feeling of embrace around my chest, and that the shirt I wore contoured down me, leaving a small space between my chest and waist of breathability. It was something I never felt.

And I want to feel it again. The only problem I had was my hair. It was matted and unstyled. Some of the outfits I wore made me feel like an 80s mom. But, as long as I grow out my hair, style it, and more, I know I’ll be the girl that I envision myself to be. I have ideas and pictures. Curls are tough.

I came out to some of my friends through a meme, and they took it passively. I expected that, and I’m happy. When I feel ready to express a name change and pronouns, I’ll tell them.

But fuck do I want to start now. I’ll feel ready when I get another wardrobe change, a bra with pads, maybe a gaff, and more. I already feel better being addressed as such. I’m ok if i wait a little longer.

I also haven’t been shaving my legs these past few days. While I would probably be anxious to shave them and feel the smooth, I need the hairs to grow out since so many are ingrown. And I’m ok with that. It looks shaven from a normal distance, and it doesn’t bother me.

I’m also going to see my friend this weekend in Boston. I have my normal male clothing with me, which, while it makes me sad I can’t present myself as feminine because of the blistering heat, I’m bringing along the outfit I wore yesterday in case I feel dysphoric.

Piercing and tattoos are starting to look more appealing. 

I’ve just been getting more excited recently about being a girl. Wonder how and when I should reveal it to my parents.

[petrafied716]

8/13 (Backlog)

Affirmations are becoming much easier to say. When I say affirmations, I mean the thought of “I want to be ‘this’”. I recently showed another one of my friends my pinterest board, and these logs. She was the once who got me thinking about this whole scenario, and is also someone who’s really into people's psyche. It was a really good idea. She was super supportive of everything, like my desire to be called Petra (She even said it was a nice name), the clothes I desired wearing, my vibe and aesthetic, and so much more. She was super into it, and it made me feel really happy. She asked about hormones, and for the first time, I said I wanted to. Before, the idea of taking them was always debated in my head, but after doing some shopping, experimenting with pronouns online, my name, and other variables, I really want to take them. I really want to be a girl. A grungy art hoe trans girl with the confidence to scare people. That’s my ideal self. I really want to grow my hair out to a bob, and I really want my voice to be higher. These are definitely things I want to work on throughout this year. If stuff ends up unfortunate, I’ll be wiser with better hair and voice actor training. Just changing my profile image on discord gave me some euphoria. It’s of a girl looking at the camera, drinking soda straight out of the bottle, without a care, almost a glare.

Talking on discord as female to people I don’t know feels natural. I want to be active, so I can keep being a girl. No one knows my biological sex. No one knows what I look or sound like. They only know what I’m saying, and that’s being a friendly person.

Should I...start asking people to call me differently? I detest being a boy a little more, but I still look like a boy. I don’t feel like a girl, unless behind a screen, since no one knows what I look like or sound like. My head voice and image are female. When the weather gets cooler, it’ll probably feel easier to socially transition, less revealing clothing and all.

[petrafied716]

8/9 (Backlog)

Lots and lots of development.

Let’s start from the top: clothes.

The clothes I got from Stitch Fix were much better than I anticipated, though I am disappointed I didn’t get a pair of shorts. My stylist was super supportive of me, and tried to cater this box towards andro/femm and it felt really good. Everything was worn super well and felt really well. Though I still have some thoughts…

I looked like an icon, but a gay icon. It’s not a bad thing per-say, but I wanted to feel more, you know, feminine. As well as having summer clothes. All of it was made more for late summer to fall. I’m excited to wear it when the time comes, but i felt like I wanted to experiment more. I still bought everything.

Second thing: tucking and my penis in general. It was this instance that I really wanted to learn how to tuck well and get a gaff. I’m still hesitant about the idea. Maybe it’s because I’m still home. Maybe it's because it affirms that I want to be trans. Or maybe it's because I’m scared I wont feel good about it.

I did wear an outfit yesterday, and It made me just want to have a vagina and breasts.

Today also helped to reaffirm my want for a different body. After shaving and showering, I found it increasingly difficult and revolting to look at my penis. Its just...why? While going to the bathroom, I can care less. Maybe its because I’m worried more about my bodily functions than dysphoria. Regardless, I’m starting to dislike my physical sex more. Like, a 5 to a 4 now.

I’ve always had that problem. I hated looking at myself, especially my penis. It was always disgusting. 

I’m fantasizing more about being called she/her and being a girl. I’m fantasizing more about having larger hips. I’m fantasizing more about having longer hair. I’m fantasizing more about having less body hair. I made so many picrews on what I’d want to look like. Medium, wavy/curly bob haircut, brown or pink hair, and many different outfits ranging from comfy, to classy, to “showy”. I just look so much better. Who wants to be a guy when you can be a cute girl. A confident cute girl. Yeah.

I’m often going back into my pinterest to look at my pins. They’re encouraging, as well as a lot of trans subreddits talking about transition goals, and the progress people have made. It makes me feel safer about the choice if it comes around.

Do I want to be a trans girl? Yes. Will I feel better about myself? Most likely. Is it worth it?

That last question still bothers me. There’s so much to the process. Years of change and costs. I have a career to worry about. Plus, being a guy still has benefits in the working world. Being a trans girl is much much harder. Would I be willing to go through that trouble? Honestly yeah. Games industry is pretty accepting of trans. If a company doesn't want me, I apply to another lgbt positive one.

[petrafied716]

8/2 (Backlog)

The question I seem to be asking myself more and more is “Is it worth it”.

I know if I was to completely accept transitioning to a girl I’d be very happy, but to fully come out would mean that I would have to reject being a guy, and I’m fine with being a guy. Life is content. I still have times where I’d rather be a guy than a a girl, and I feel like I would be making a mistake if I was to fully transition.

There’s so much work, money, and stress that goes into it so I can be happy in the end. I’m already putting myself through the same with my education and career. Is it smart to do the same with myself. In 5 years from now, will I be happy not having transitioned, and working in my desired field. Will that be enough for my happiness?

I think in some sense, yes, but I could be happier. No doubt would I want to change instantly into a girl. I want to have breasts and a vagina. That’s now absolute. The whole process of it all makes it a difficult reality. I would be fine without transitioning, but I would be happy doing so.

I never really saw what I’d look like in my future. My future was only work, and went from there. Things would just play out. Do I want to be married, yeah. I want to find love. Do I want to be a husband? Eh? I’d rather be a father figure than a father. Someone who you can look up to. I guess that’s just a parent.

[petrafied716]

7/25 (Backlog)

So the last couple of days have been weird, but in a good way. I came out to my parents as transitioning, and after some mixed feelings, I feel better about them knowing what’s in my head. I thought that they didn’t trust me, but they’re just looking out for me, and we’re scared of me, something that I appreciate.

The past 2 days I didn’t really feel dysphoric. I don’t know if that was because I was feeling very sad yesterday, and only focused on work, playing games, and keeping myself sad, but I just didn’t care about my gender or who I was. Today was a little different, after my mom and I had a really good talk. I just spent this day clearing my head and relaxing. I felt bad that I didn’t feel dysphoric, because I feel like I need the dysphoria to validate myself about my feelings. That shouldn’t be the case. If I feel like life will be better identifying myself as a girl rather than a boy, then that should be enough...to an extent. I still need to put in the effort of changing myself to be happy. These days made me realize that I need to put more thought and care into my body. That’s how I got really happy before. I’ve been having razor bumps and acne appear on my thighs and chest. I think it’s because I didn’t exfoliate my skin. I need to look up the right way to shave my body.

I want to take a shower tomorrow and shave myself again, after exfoliating and all that. Give myself a little spa day and feel like a cute girl.

I should just forget about what my face looks like, and think about what I want to be when typing this, because right now I don’t feel cute. I want to though. Handsome didn't really stick well. Hot is a no go. I love the idea of being cute. I have been called cute my entire life, even if I didn't feel it.

I think that’s the biggest reason for change. I don’t like my appearance, and I want to change it. I like the idea of being a cute girl over a cute guy. There’s so many more ways to do it. Plus, I’ll have breasts. Wow I didn’t realize how much I wanted them. Also, wearing those jeans and feeling the smoothness in my crotch felt amazing. 

I really want to grow out and style my hair too, and if I feel confident enough in my body, have short shorts and skirts. But I need to have my cute wig and glasses first. 

I guess voice is also a big thing. I could just go silent, but I want a voice to match. Desperately. I need to get back to voice training.

[petrafied716]

Introduction

Hey, my name is Petra. I’m a university student going through a gender expression journey. Here I’ll be posting the journal entries I’ve been writing to myself over the past month when things started to pick up in hopes that people can share and comment on their own journey. I hope to crack fully one day, or at the very least, gain some really good personal knowledge.

These first posts will be backlogs. After today, everything will be up to date.