pffbts

[pffbts]

“I was just..way too sad, thinking like, "I always understand my close ones but they end up hurting me" It seems like exaggeration, but you know, feelings can be overwhelming. I thought I was being selfish to only think my side of pain, and I still think that way.”

ami, i truly believe this one thing―that our pains, grieves, losses and sufferings are all individualistic. all of these abstract things varies person to person and they are never to be measured regardless of the situation. your sad feelings are valid to me because it is something only you will ever know. how can i compare or judge something that i cannot feel? just like how you can never truly know mine, i will never know yours. this is the brutal truth and i think many people forget about this and simply think it’s almost as simple as measuring two cups of water. it is not and it never will be. therefore, i have a problem with such people. why can’t we just sit down next to each other in silence with our grieves in our palms instead of turning it into a measly tennis match?

“I know I will eventually learn to get through this and understand myself more like I did for others.”

i’m sure there’s places or human beings we haven’t met with where we already belong and can rest, ami. i cannot promise you a person or a place because i don’t know about your fate but even in all these laments of the world, i want to believe we belong somewhere. we must, right? if not, then what’s the point of all these?

be selfish with your own emotions, ami. you will learn a lot about yourself in that way. i’ve realized it a while back that no one will ever know the depth of this well of emotions in me. no one will ever be able to comprehend how high these walls are that i’ve built around my heart and soul. only this mind-eyes of mine will know all this. my rage will be my rage just like my happiness will be mine. their sources are all different and only i will measure them in my own scale. just like you will do yours.

again, i’m glad that even my reply kept you afloat. you’re very strong, ami and i’m very proud of you. it's not easy to live in a home which doesn't feel like home in your bones. I've experienced this before and i still do.

“Words were always my friends when I felt suffocated.”

words & solitude have always been a source of complete peace for me too. they’ve healed me and brought me to my knees at the same time. i’m 24 and an only child. i didn’t grow up around many people. life happened way too young for me. there’s many different kinds of love i’ve not experienced in my life and ones i’ve had…i sent my regards to their graves and tbh it’s fairly late now. i’ve been moulded into a person i wish i was not. at least not someone i imagined myself to be when i was 6 or 8. these characteristics of mine are kind of cemented now to my core. nothing will change that anymore. perhaps in another life if i’m being callously hopeful.

“You're so kind, and the fact that you're Indian (I guess?) makes me realise that we're not so different.”

yes, i’m bengali-indian, ami. my mother tongue is bangla. also, now i’m curious, let me know where you’re from (you can dm me if you don’t want to say it openly like this, your secret is safe & sound with me) but of course, if you’re absolutely comfortable with letting me know. no pressure!

“To be honest, I didn't even expect you to reply, so it's heartwarming to realise that...you took time to reply me.”

silly you, why would i not reply? i did say in my goodbye post that i might have stopped writing on this blog but as a person, i’m always on the other side of this line, connected to all of you who come for a visit or two. i will always reply to each and every ask regardless of how heavy it is. even countless replies too. what can i do? i’m simply grateful for all these love. i cannot put my arms around you so my words are all i have.

―K

p.s no apologies this time for another ramble reply lol as per your wish. also @afternoonblues is my general blog where i'm more active. you can talk to me there through dm!

Well, it's one of those midnight where I stay awake, blinding my eyes with some contents of the phone that content me, comfort me. And I happened to stumble across your works, no scratch that, they aren't mere works anymore. Im not here to disturb you or distract you. I'm well aware of the goodbye that you bid to us. But...I don't know, I feel so connected with your words? Connected with the way you wrote? I know I'm blabbering, but I don't know, something in me said that I should definitely write this for you. I'm just thankful for whatever you left here for us, im thankful that I found you, your blog. Something about your whole blog is delicate, comforting, welcoming. And I happened to need that to fill my heart with some sort of reassurance even though I have this accompanied bittersweet feeling. I'm just truly, truly, grateful for the miracles you wrote. I was honestly crying, it made me feel better. I don't know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.

But I'm just, thankful. So,so, thankful.

(this is a long reply, i'm extremely sorry)

“I don’t know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.”

at 8 in the morning when you wake up, after the glaring indian sun hits your face and you read such words woven together into such a string of emotions, to be fair, what did i even expect to feel other than bittersweet happiness and a bit flabbergasted?

i wish there were words more meaningful than the boring ‘thank you(s)' because truly, you’ve left me speechless. all i can say is that my imperfect heart receives your praises and thoughts with all the warmth in the world and i hope even the lil bit of that warmth traverses through all the time zones that divide us against our wishes and gives you strength to carry on with your life, @tannedami.

regardless of my absence, i still want my blog to be one of the many corners for a breath of relief for all of you. this was once my escape, i'm grateful that the place i escaped to, a home i built amidst all my griefs became a shade under which you all take a breather from the glaring sun that represents each and every one of your lives.

it was the sole reason i left my blog untouched. i deleted not a single one of my letters or fics. i kept them all, even the unfinished and imperfect ones. my only hope was that in my farewell in every sense, a piece of me will always stay on the internet to give you all solace. in a world that flows parallel to yours, mine and all of the others, i hope my words move close to your home just to feel the air that surrounds you. in that world, my words carry all your griefs and your shortcomings like wearing rings that have all of your's names engraved on the insides.

[ID: “Even without knowing each other’s stories, we create moments of love that bridge the gap.”]

thank you for making me remembered as someone whom you pass by once in a while when you’re walking back home and that will always be enough.

this ask of yours reminded me a lot of some of those memorable asks from the past in this blog. an anon once wanted to write down the 2-part dad!hobi fic i wrote once as requested by them (tbh i found it a bit silly but at the same time quite endearing), another once sent me a dm about how they have screenshotted a letter they requested once during my talk to bangtan requests and now or then they would go back and read it for comfort. i also remember someone a year or two ago said how i almost saved their life during a low moment of their life and i still cannot for the life of me comprehend all these affections that i once and still now get from readers like you who take strolls through my little humble blog. you all should know that as much as you guys tell me how much i comfort you, these words from you all give me the strength to push the stubborn boulders that stand in my wretched life's road and keep walking on. life will keep happening and i will fight on as much as i can. i might always still wish i didn’t stay to see the new morning of the next day, but i want to keep myself going till there’s nothing left of me.

and, you and everyone must do the same. you have to. after all, there must be a reason why we were born into this damned world, right? even in passing, we must live a little in the minds of humans around us (and if you are lucky enough to have a pet, your existence is a miracle to them. trust me.)

i don’t know much about the reverence you talk about, Ami, perhaps it’s simply your emotions that has been catalyzed by my works. but really, i don’t feel myself to be deserving of any of it (this is my self-conscious, self-loathing persona talking, don’t mind her). i wish you a healthy life above anything. happiness will come and go but life will keep going on in various different shapes. we simply have to fit in. so be well because you will need a lot of strength for that, Ami.

sending all my love.

―K

[pffbts]

Well, it's one of those midnight where I stay awake, blinding my eyes with some contents of the phone that content me, comfort me. And I happened to stumble across your works, no scratch that, they aren't mere works anymore. Im not here to disturb you or distract you. I'm well aware of the goodbye that you bid to us. But...I don't know, I feel so connected with your words? Connected with the way you wrote? I know I'm blabbering, but I don't know, something in me said that I should definitely write this for you. I'm just thankful for whatever you left here for us, im thankful that I found you, your blog. Something about your whole blog is delicate, comforting, welcoming. And I happened to need that to fill my heart with some sort of reassurance even though I have this accompanied bittersweet feeling. I'm just truly, truly, grateful for the miracles you wrote. I was honestly crying, it made me feel better. I don't know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.

But I'm just, thankful. So,so, thankful.

(this is a long reply, i'm extremely sorry)

“I don’t know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.”

at 8 in the morning when you wake up, after the glaring indian sun hits your face and you read such words woven together into such a string of emotions, to be fair, what did i even expect to feel other than bittersweet happiness and a bit flabbergasted?

i wish there were words more meaningful than the boring ‘thank you(s)' because truly, you’ve left me speechless. all i can say is that my imperfect heart receives your praises and thoughts with all the warmth in the world and i hope even the lil bit of that warmth traverses through all the time zones that divide us against our wishes and gives you strength to carry on with your life, @tannedami.

regardless of my absence, i still want my blog to be one of the many corners for a breath of relief for all of you. this was once my escape, i'm grateful that the place i escaped to, a home i built amidst all my griefs became a shade under which you all take a breather from the glaring sun that represents each and every one of your lives.

it was the sole reason i left my blog untouched. i deleted not a single one of my letters or fics. i kept them all, even the unfinished and imperfect ones. my only hope was that in my farewell in every sense, a piece of me will always stay on the internet to give you all solace. in a world that flows parallel to yours, mine and all of the others, i hope my words move close to your home just to feel the air that surrounds you. in that world, my words carry all your griefs and your shortcomings like wearing rings that have all of your's names engraved on the insides.

[ID: “Even without knowing each other’s stories, we create moments of love that bridge the gap.”]

thank you for making me remembered as someone whom you pass by once in a while when you’re walking back home and that will always be enough.

this ask of yours reminded me a lot of some of those memorable asks from the past in this blog. an anon once wanted to write down the 2-part dad!hobi fic i wrote once as requested by them (tbh i found it a bit silly but at the same time quite endearing), another once sent me a dm about how they have screenshotted a letter they requested once during my talk to bangtan requests and now or then they would go back and read it for comfort. i also remember someone a year or two ago said how i almost saved their life during a low moment of their life and i still cannot for the life of me comprehend all these affections that i once and still now get from readers like you who take strolls through my little humble blog. you all should know that as much as you guys tell me how much i comfort you, these words from you all give me the strength to push the stubborn boulders that stand in my wretched life's road and keep walking on. life will keep happening and i will fight on as much as i can. i might always still wish i didn’t stay to see the new morning of the next day, but i want to keep myself going till there’s nothing left of me.

and, you and everyone must do the same. you have to. after all, there must be a reason why we were born into this damned world, right? even in passing, we must live a little in the minds of humans around us (and if you are lucky enough to have a pet, your existence is a miracle to them. trust me.)

i don’t know much about the reverence you talk about, Ami, perhaps it’s simply your emotions that has been catalyzed by my works. but really, i don’t feel myself to be deserving of any of it (this is my self-conscious, self-loathing persona talking, don’t mind her). i wish you a healthy life above anything. happiness will come and go but life will keep going on in various different shapes. we simply have to fit in. so be well because you will need a lot of strength for that, Ami.

sending all my love.

―K

[pffbts]

announcement.

happy new year! we apologize for the lack of activity. unfortunately, after a lot of discussion, carat writers club will be closed indefinitely as of 2024. we’ve had an amazing time in caratblr and appreciate all of the love and support you have shown us over the last three years. thank you so much for everything!

(p.s. if anyone has experience running a network and is interested in restarting carat writers club, feel free to send us an ask!)

[pffbts]

a goodbye letter.

hello everyone, it's been a long time, isn't it?

i haven't written anything in months and tbh even if i wanted to further give life to all my wips, i wish i had even a drop of motivation and energy to do so. some of you might have as well forgotten about my little blog, which had its own humble beginnings. and tbh i don't mind at all. it's been, i don't know almost 5+ years that i've had this blog. i started it out during the last two years of my high school, when i was struggling very much to cope with all the pressure and anxiety. this little corner of the internet became my comfort space. i could pour my heart out into snippets of letters and the love that i received from all of you who were there from the beginning only fueled my passion to write more and of course, helped me immensely in escaping the cruelty of my reality.

since then, i have graduated school. my reality is still harsh but i'm surviving. i have also graduated from my college with two degrees that i was doing simultaneously. currently, i'm preparing to sit down for my master's 1st-year exam coming months and job surfing at the same time. tbh i wish i had enough energy and positivity to motivate myself to pen down something. but it seems like we have to finally pull the curtains down on this blog.

yes, there is a lot of stuff that's still pending to be completed as you will know if you care to check my masterlist. but i'm not going to give you any false hope by saying that someday i will magically come back and finish and place them all in front of you. it would be too selfish of me to keep you on your toes like that.

i know i've let down a lot of you. many have told me me how much, especially my letters have helped you guys during hard times. even though i know i shouldn't even bother to think like this considering i know none of you in-person. still, it's the crippling humanity in me. honestly, i feel sad for myself. my life took so many things away from me. even the capacity to keep this comfort space alive for myself. some of you have left a long time ago. probably life has happened to you all too. i have also met some of you during the latter part of my journey here and i'm very glad that you all loved my work even with all my incompetency in keeping up with the schedules. you guys were too kind to me.

this actually came too suddenly - this realization that something needs to end. i don't think there will come any other time in the future when i'll read fanfics or write them myself. but it's a bit too much to delete the whole blog considering the reblogs will still exist in the tumblr algorithm. therefore, the letters will still be up along with the fics.

although i don't think i will stop writing. i have my substack where i will experiment with my creative writing but that's just my way of growing up as a writer. these days i'm too busy both in my head and physically, i wish i can overcome becoming a moss. my produce is sparse but my want is bigger than that. although for fanfics, there's no want anymore. i've had my fill and i'm sad to say, this is where we part.

pffbts is thus archived. all my posts will remain. if you send in any mundane sweet ask, i will answer them as soon as possible. kindly please don't send in any requests for fics (i've had to delete a couple of them from my ask box and it felt terrible.) i'm not completely going away. as a person, i will stay. it's just the fanfic writing part of me that will take a permanent leave. i'm almost 24 and it's been almost 10 years that i've started out in creating fanfics. i think it's enough, nah? plus writing this post for you all has strangely made me feel calm, as a certain baggage has been let down from my shoulders.

thank you to you all from the past & the present. i hope you all stay well and healthy. it has been truly a good time to have you all with me.

-K.

[pffbts]

hello! just wanted to let you know that i always go back to reading a fool’s act whenever i needed to feel something haha that fic always brings me to tears i absolutely love one-sided stories! jongho’s fleeting time monologue and y/n’s internal monologue right after always hits me in the chest. it’s pretty hard to find jongho angst fics on here or ao3 so thank you for writing it and i hope you know how much your writing means to people! have a good day! <3

my goodness, anon, you're so lovely 🤧 i just went back to check that fic out and man, it's been more than 3 years. recently, i have gotten so detached to writing (except for my journaling) that i almost don't recognise myself in my past writings anymore but i'm still so grateful for your warm words, anon.

please stay healthy, safe & happy. hoping for all your dreams to come true. sending you lots of love too 💞

[pffbts]

hello fellow Desi!

oh hey there! 🤗

[pffbts]

[01:41 AM] from yoongi

―somewhere along the lines, i know i will run out of words and all the regrets of the unspoken will leave me submerged in the waters. so in-between these lines and in all the spaces that separates my verses, there will always be a distance holding us together. this is a promise; a forever bathing in blues of the afternoon sun where we stand still. some day when my pen will give up on me, i want to build a house for you with my bones and you will know that there’s love in giving up too.

delivered.

[pffbts]

[00:15 AM] from jimin

―there was once upon a time, i believed in saving but presently, i don’t. if love is to drown in these waters with you then so be it. hopefully you’ll keep my words and don’t pull me out of the ocean. and, i know you’re kind enough to carry me on your back to your town. maybe this is all just a bad dream i will never wake up from. the pain of growing up and meeting people. all i ever really wanted was to love.

delivered.

[pffbts]

Hi where do live?

i'm from kolkata, anon 😇

[pffbts]

me and my friend always bond over how much we love your words and your writings. you're so precious, i hope you always know that <3

that makes me so happy, anon! thank you for your kind words. be sure to be safe & sound ❤️

[pffbts]

[11:45 PM] from yoongi

―here lays my love for you, these feelings i`ve bottled up for years. i pour them out all to you. to you, who always looked at me with those kind eyes, do you ever wonder why i never dared to look you in the eyes? apologies in advance because i can`t bring myself to answer that question of yours. so, for now - here only lays my love for you, these feelings i`ve kept safe and sound for years, on this new year, i gift them all to you hoping in silence may they remain at the corner of your heart lest they grow old aimlessly inside my own.

delivered.

[pffbts]

Hi!! How are you? 😀 I really hope you're doing good/better and I wish you a very happy new year!! 🎉✨️❤️ I hope you have an amazing 2023 full of love and good things! 🎇 Stay safe and healthy!! Take care! 💕

there's a feeling of loss and i feel like this past year was a bit regretful but for now, i'm doing neither good nor bad. although i'm always praying for good days, so thank you for your wishes! hopefully, you've a fruitful year ahead too, anon! make sure to stay safe & sound. take care of yourself and a very happy new year!

[pffbts]

Hello hiii so first and foremost you are a great writer 🥺🥺 i dont know but there is something homely about your fics, you make life looks pretty, soft, calming (yeah even when it is heartbreaking) through your fics and i lovEEE IT YOU ALWAYS TUG MY HEART :(( anyways thank you for accepting request!! Can i request something angsty (yeah i live for your angst bcs in a way it is still… soft) but please, happy ending- is this too wide of a request? Do i need to make it even more specific? Actually i would love any angst + happy ending scenarios so i dont have anything specific in mind 😭 any svt members, you can decide~ but if you need something more specific, i will try to suggest one later!! Thank you for writing!! 💖

genre: slice of life; angst; comfort; established relationship.

characters: lee seokmin x gn!reader | support: none.

w.c: 3k

author’s note: apologies first, anon, for the late reply to this sweet ask of yours. i hope after reading this lil fic, you’ll feel warm from inside just like you made me feel with this ask. so because you gave me the freedom to choose a member of my choice, i chose seokmin bc he’s the literally the love of my life & i haven’t written him for so long. i hope that’s okay with you? make sure to stay safe and sound, wherever you are, anon. happy reading!

inspiration: the dream sequence in this fic is real. few months ago, i actually did see seokmin in my dream doing the exact things i’ve written under this cut. and, i remember it vividly that i sat there on my bed feeling like i’m about to cry. it was truly such a happy day for me. i don’t think i’ll ever forget about this dream.

[05:02 PM] [he wished he was the blood in your veins, he never told you he was selfish, he only wanted to steal, steal you away from yourself]

―the cool watermelon that you’ve previously taken out of the fridge and had took your time to cut in almost perfect triangles has now been abandoned next to your sprawled, resting body, upon the open veranda that meets with the green sunlit back garden.

the afternoon sun’s warmth is gentle upon your closed eyes and you know you’ve seen this dream before. 

in this dream that was born out of a late night promise by the one who wears your heart upon him like a keepsake from you, he’s making your favourite egg toast. his cream coloured t-shirt with wrinkles across the edges is facing you and there’s a humming of a tune you hear every so often from him. seconds later, he turns around and places the plate of warm egg toast and coffee in front of you.

seokmin’s eyes adorn pure crescents greeting you a good morning while the rays of sun showers him perfectly from the side making the ends of his jet black bed hair shine in auburn.

one night during the first week of this work trip when seokmin had to be out of country for one month, you stood in the kitchen with an expected guest named loneliness looming upon your shoulders.

in seokmin’s announced absence, you’ve discovered three places where you can still find him lingering. one, the kitchen. second, his side of the closet where his scent stands still like a clock that has ran out of battery and third, the rack next to the bathroom sink where he keeps his own bathroom essentials, most importantly, his after shave lotion. almost every other morning, you would take the thick glass bottle, holding it carefully in both of your palm and open the cap to gather a small sniff of one of your favourite scent in the world.

although among all these three places there is one place that makes you feel more emptier than ever and that is the kitchen. a place where you both would spend hours talking about each of your days, about things that bothers and of all things mundane yet significantly noted down in your minds. it’s a place where you both wind down, let the night fall upon your shoulders and make a home in each other’s hearts.

when seokmin told you about his trip, you thought you’d go back to your takeout days for dinner every night after work but unconsciously, like a habit that has abandoned you, you’ve found yourself coming back home forgetting in buying one. for the past two years, you’ve become so use to the habit of passing by the smell of seokmin’s home cooked delicacies that now it seems like you can never go back to how it was before he walked in the picture where only you existed till now.

you were making for yourself some chow mein for that night’s dinner while the call with him was on the speaker. you’ve realized this a long time ago that seokmin’s voice makes you feel secure in your bones. his warmth and his soul puts you at ease.

at the end of the day, even when you want to be alone in your room, away from all the turmoil of the world, you always like to listen to him even if he’s not always speaking to you. his voice could be travelling through the walls when he’s in the living room talking to his friends or co-workers over phone and you’d halt the action in your hands unknowingly. 

your back will go all relaxed and you’ll exhale soundly staring at the wall just above your eye level with the cotton pad still in-between your thumb and forefinger with which you were previously cleansing the makeup off of your face after a long day at work.

some nights you’d be right by the entrance door returning from giving a visit to your parents and a smile would be automatic on your face when you can hear him being a little too enthusiastic on the other side of the door, singing the karaoke song he has been obsessed with since you have forgotten when.

that night when you told him while you stir fried the chow in the empty house, an empty home that belongs to both you and him, that this isn’t like you and that you cannot believe you’re saying this, a truth which is very universal that you really do sincerely miss him even when you told yourself you’ll not.

you told yourself so because voluntary solitude has always been your friendly neighbor. it helps you by making sure that time flies quickly for you and because it’s so easy to stay connected to people in this day and era, you thought it’ll be in no time that you’ll find seokmin at the doorstep of this shared home.

but it seems solitude has left your side and currently, in its place exist a whole being, a sunlit distraction named lee seokmin.

the man of the hour, who was on the other line, had chuckled softly. usually he would tease but that night, he didn’t. he held the phone close to his mouth and in a gentle voice, he told you that you didn’t have to miss him for long because, “i promise i’ll meet you in your dreams tonight.”

that night he sneaked in through the window of the bedroom like a climber and made himself at home inside your dream. he made you your favourite morning egg toast and a cup of coffee, just the way you like it, strong with no sugar. in your eyes, he became one with the sun that fell upon the breakfast table and when you woke up, in your shared bedroom with seokmin, next to the empty side of the bed, you discovered the sun rays had replaced the warmth that your love leaves behind every morning.

an overwhelming feeling washed over you and your throat tightened up, making you end up crying.

later, that morning, you cried again in the kitchen but didn’t call him. the kitchen reminds you more of him than anything else does. it is where his love fills you to your heart’s brim so it was no better antidote to calm you down.

you didn’t get up right away from your bed like you usually do when you wake up. instead, you sat on your knees upon your side of the bed and leaned down upon his side of the bed. you placed your cheek against the warm bed sheet and as the sun fell upon your eyes, you closed them from making you go blind and rubbed the warmth from the bed sheets upon your cheek.

he was here, you told yourself, nobody ever promised to see me in my dream and kept it so thoroughly.

since that night of promise, seokmin has kept on appearing like this and it’s always the same dream and you realized that you can never get bored of the same cycle of events.

even now that you’re drifting mellow in your subconscious mind, in the corridors of your dreamland, you can smell the coffee in the air and as your vision clears painfully slowly, you figure out his outline – the same old wrinkly cream coloured t-shirt and the curls upon his head all ruffled, asking for you to dig the tips of your finger into them.

only one more night, you said to yourself convincingly, and he will come back home tomorrow.

it was what he had informed you of two nights ago. his voice was a bit hoarse and it seemed the meeting that he previously had made him do most of the talking but he still made sure to let you know of his arrival because he knew you missed him just as much he does.

you wanted to sleep all through this afternoon and night, not waking up at all, until you can feel his presence next morning in this home so that your chest starts to stop feeling so hollow.

seokmin usually does both when he returns home after work. first, he rings the bell and then, unlocks the door himself before you can meet him in the middle at the doorway but that is possible only if you’re home before him during weekdays and on weekends, when it’s your off days.

although this afternoon due to certain intentions, he skips over the first step. he only unlocks the door and prays in his head that you’d be asleep because it’s saturday and usually, most weekend afternoons, you’d be napping after reading a book or watching an animated film.

seokmin trusted his instincts and stepped inside the soundless home. his heart was beating louder than it was planned but nevertheless, with faint footsteps, he walked into the living room and it took him no effort to find you submerged under the orange hue of the drowning sun.

placing the bag of grocery he bought while returning upon the kitchen aisle, seokmin takes some long careful strides and squats in silence next to you, eyes wandering to the abandoned plate full of watermelons.

he smiles and touches the ends of your hair that’s spread out carelessly upon the wooden floor. he doesn’t wake you up. instead, he takes the plate and puts it inside the fridge.

he decides that he needs a nice warm bath and a quick clean shave. maybe when he’s out all fresh and his body is letting go of the jetlag, he’ll take some bite of that watermelon because it looked like, even though you’re not good with kitchen knives, you took your time cutting the chilled watermelon in almost perfect triangles.

seokmin leaves you undisturbed upon the open veranda, covering your legs with a shawl he found clean in the laundry basket and steps inside the bath. he shaves the stubble that was growing around his chin and rubs the after shaving lotion upon the shaved area.

almost half an hour later when he steps out of the bath after drying his hair with a towel that is now resting upon his neck, he gets back into the kitchen and takes out the plate of watermelons he had previously put inside, picking one piece to take a bite and to savor the cooling effect it leaves throughout his body.

he takes the plate and closes the distance between you and him. seokmin settles himself down next to your sleeping self feeling himself somehow becoming one with you under the gradient of the sun that bids another farewell.

he turns his head around to his right and tenderly observes your sleeping face. his eyes follow the mellow ups and downs of your chest. without much thought, he leans in and gently rubs the tip of his nose against your cheek  just to check how much he has missed having you next to him and your scent, the wind that flows against all his edges.  

he cannot for the life of him wake you up when you look so serene because he realized it’s a privilege to see a person who is stationed so permanently in his heart sleeping like as if, finally, their world is at peace. after all the running and fighting with not just the way of this world but also with yourself, he can see you finally resting and accepting.

it’s a scene that countless painters have painted for centuries only because they knew that there’s always something new to discover when they look at someone they love – both things that the other person hides and things they place in front of the painter’s eyes.

although seokmin can neither draw or paint, he has his memory and in his memory, there are walls where now this scene joins many other paintings with you as the subject.

seokmin stretches his legs to release the fatigue in them and reaches for another piece of watermelon as he sits there waiting for the break of your dawn. he waits patiently for your eyes to be on him after a month long of estrangement.

as the dream started fading into a black infinite canvas, your conscious senses started coming up to the surface. squeezing your eyes, you fought with sleep and in the air, you smelt the strong, tantalizing smell of seokmin’s after shaving lotion. you felt yourself losing.

you thought it is impossible because you know seokmin is not supposed to be here and so this might be your brain trying to trick you. either way, you didn’t understand the point of this trick. you furrowed your brows and opened your eyes.

“are you not cold?” your eyes follow the euphonious voice that you can recognize even in a room full of people. they settle upon the calming presence of the man next to you for long.

“am i dreaming?” your voice that was supposed to sound like you’re in doubt sounded croaky as you had just stepped out of your sleepy state.

you noticed seokmin holding a piece of watermelon in his hand. he takes a bite into it and shakes his head and you can see him visibly beam at you. he seems amused by your reaction as he waits for your further words.

as for you, your eyebrows start climbing up your forehead while your eyes goes wide in astonishment, “you’re really here?”

“you must be dreaming too much of me to think that i’m not real right now,” seokmin declared in a convincing tone to which you thought, how did he know?

“weren’t you supposed to come tomorrow?”

“oh, that.” seokmin chuckled, “i lied because i wanted to surprise you.”

“so you did not ring the bell too?”

seokmin hummed back a no. he was very much into finishing up what seemed like his third piece of watermelon.

“god, i cannot believe this. so? how long have i been sleeping?”

“maybe more than an hour. i returned an hour ago.”

“and, why didn’t you wake me up?”

“because i wanted to look at you.”

“i’m not an artifact in a museum, min, you’re funny.”

seokmin laughs at your words and now completely turns around to face you. neither of you say anything and stay as it is in silence. there was nothing to break that silence until the man in front of you put down the hard layer of the melon he has just finished and shuffles around to lay down next to you.

you take half of the shawl that was covering you and place it upon his chest.

“i’m real. see?” seokmin tells you before pulling you close to him as if he knows that you might think of all this happenings as a dream. he holds you tightly against himself and you move to place half of your body upon him.

you tugged your lower lip in, suppressing an overflowing smile as you place a palm upon his cheek, “yes. yes, i see you and i missed you.”

“i missed you too. i even miss you now. i cannot wait to cling onto you until you get sick of me.” seokmin states his wish as he places one of his palm behind your head and pulls you in so that he can nuzzle at the crook of your neck.

“nah, i don’t think that’s happening this soon,” you reply as both of you burst into a fit of giggles, two chests vibrating against each other as each of you feel the warmth, the heart beats and the weight of each other in your arms.

minutes later after a long hug, seokmin unwraps himself from your arms and tells you that you’ll catch a cold like this if you stay this close to the open veranda right now as today’s evening has already welcomed itself at home.

you look at the sky and realize that it is indeed the truth. darkness has fallen and today, it seems like the moon resemblances the shape of seokmin’s eyes when he smiles.

seokmin gets up from the wooden floorboard and lets you take your time to get out of your drowsy state of body. walking into the bedroom, he brings out a hoodie for you and as he watches you wear it upon your t-shirt to warm you up, he offers to make tonight’s dinner.

“that’s one good thing about you being back home. now i don’t have to ponder over what to eat for dinner.” ….and also not be lonely while putting a single plate upon the dinner table to eat because you were not there, you thought to yourself.

it makes you puzzled sometimes how even two years ago you were happy enough to just be back home at your place and eat whatever for the night because you were so used to being on your own but now, you cannot recognize those parts of you in yourself anymore.

you’re too used to it now. the love that seokmin puts in your coffee every morning without you asking for it. so much that now you don’t know where to put it all down in words. you’ve forgotten when seokmin has come and added his golden yellow to your palette of dull blue.

presently, under this blue and yellow gradient coloured sky, what can you call this love? a feeling that can only be equivalent to the stream flowing or the rain drizzling? like coffee, you drink it down and offer to wash the dishes because you want to stay longer. because, it seems like you’re always dreaming since he has walked into your life with a suitcase in hand.

“i cannot believe i’m saying this, min, but i was getting sick of eating takeouts.” you tell him as you follow him into the kitchen. you watch seokmin taking out the vegetables he bought, “i was dying to have a nice dinner made by you.” you conclude not knowing what else to say.

“that’s why i’m here now - to spoil you rotten, sleepyhead. now freshen up, we’ll watch this one movie i found while we eat.” seokmin takes hold of your hand and as your knuckles get buried under the heat of his large palm, you realize that no other part of your body can ever be as warm as the space in-between your and his hand. 

welcome home, you tell yourself, it’s been hard, right?

fin.

[pffbts]

Hello! (: I'm the anon who requested "a thousand steps away" and I would like to thank you for writing it!! It was so perfect, I loved it 💕

ahhhhhhhh that makes me so happy, anon! i'm really glad you liked it 💞 hope you're safe & sound, wherever you are :))

[pffbts]

I'm so proud of you for your results, you're really amazing!! 🤩

Take care of yourself and do what makes you feel good, just remember to rest properly and not to overwork yourself, please!

Don't feel pressured to do anything, I'm sure we can all wait patently for you to post again, no matter how long it takes 🙂

Stay safe as well, I love you so much!! ❤️

You're seriously one of the kindest, anon. Thank you for making me feel so fuzzy and warm. I finally got myself into writing so there's that and yes! I love you too! I hope you're taking care of yourself too!

[pffbts]

Hello! How are you? :) Yes, I would actually like to request a JungKook reaction to y/n using a lip balm with his favourite flavor, please.

genre: slice of life; fluff; comfort; established relationship.

characters: jeon jungkook x gn!reader | no supporting character.

w.c: 1.7K

author’s note: because it’s close to winter, i’m myself obsessed with putting my favourite lip balm on my lips, constantly, 24x7, so this was such a cute coincidental request, lovely anon! i hope you stay safe, wherever you are, happy readings!

[03:23 PM] [don’t just stand there, a thousand unbearable steps away. i would like you to keep me safe.]

―with ghostly footsteps, you stepped inside the familiar residence of your next-door neighbour, jungkook and as it seemed like usual today, the smell of paint welcomed you in his place. after all, the highly anticipated art exhibition of his in the big city was right around the corner but of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean, a man has to be cooped up in his painting room hours after hours. he needs to have something other than the smudge and smell of paint all over him.

in regards to that thought, wrapped in your left arm, you held three tupperware boxes in which your mother had packed some late lunch for, according to her, “that child” next door.

although you knew where to find the boy for whom these lunch boxes were, you decided that it would be better to lay back low and put them into the refrigerator for now. jungkook might be too engrossed in the piece he was working and at the end of the day, you didn’t want to be that one person to break his waves of inspiration.

so you thought, he can have them for dinner tonight and who knows, he might find himself to be happily surprised discovering the dishes of his delight.

the afternoon sun was enough to light up the open kitchen and you padded across the span of the living room to open the fridge, all in absolute silence. there was nothing really to catch your eyes inside it except for the countless bottles of banana milk but because you were already used to it by then, you paid no heed to it and securely placed the three tupperware boxes before gently closing the fridge.

and, as you did so, you heard a very familiar voice inside the confinement of these very familiar walls.

“_______,” it seemed he hadn’t talked for a while because when he called your name, it sounded hoarse and of course, you were surprised as you were sure in your heart that you were not planning for such turn of events.

“jungkook!” you gasped as your eyes widened and you quickly turned on your heels to face his standing figure on the other side of the kitchen aisle. you hadn’t even realized he was there behind you. you felt terribly embarrassed as you realized he might have seen you placing foods inside his fridge in the mildly lit kitchen like a ghost.

but jungkook’s eyes were drowsy and he looked like he was bathing under the sun. in his hand you noticed, was an empty bottle of mango juice.

“when did you come?” he asked you casually as he switched on the kitchen lights and walked up close to you before disposing the empty bottle of mango juice in the trashcan.

“oh sorry i didn’t mean to disturb you. i was just here to deliver the food maa made for lunch. there was some extra…so she thought, why not you have the rest of them?” you explained, “they’re your favourites too.”

“hmmmm,” jungkook hummed as he looked down. it seemed like he was trying to pick out words to give shape to his thoughts but his brows were furrowed and being concerned if he was feeling well or not, considering these days because of the upcoming art exhibition, jungkook has been nothing but busy with his paintings, you extended your arm and wrapped your palm upon his tense shoulders and felt the muscles spasm as he lifted his head up instantly.

“are you okay? do you want to lie down a bit or…?”

jungkook shook his head and without saying anything, raised his arm to press his right thumb upon your lips. you pulled your head back slightly but the deed was done. he had rubbed out some of the cherry lip balm you were previously wearing.

“hey! what are you-?” you were about to ask him the cause of his action when you found him smelling the trace of your lip balm upon his thumb.

“i knew it,” he said calmly.

“you knew what?” you asked him flabbergasted.

“you are wearing my favourite lip balm. i could smell it from the other side of the room.”

“hold on, wait. first of all, what do you mean your favourite lip balm and second of all, you could smell my lip balm from across the room?”

this time jungkook smiled and stood right next to you. he was almost a head taller than you so when he wrapped one of his arm around your waist to feel your warmth against him, he could easily rest his chin upon your head and as if on reflex, you wrapped one of yours around him too. jungkook closed his eyes and the smile was still glowing on his face.

“anything cherry flavored is my favourite so naturally, it is my favourite lip balm of all time.”

“i had literally no idea if i’m being real honest with you,” you gaped at the new knowledge.

“it’s alright. i don’t mind really. i’m glad you wore it though.”

“but,” you pulled your head back and looked up at him, “how the hell can you smell anything other than paints in this house?”

“maybe our noses are built different,” jungkook stated, quite gleefully as if he was enjoying the confusion reflecting upon your face.

you hummed back in agreement. yes, it might have faded from your memory but you were known of this fact that he does have a very cautious nose. he can really detect what and from where certain smell might come from. also, jungkook has always been sensitive to perfumes. he has never really liked anything heavy. so now that you could think about it, his choice of lip balm doesn’t seem to baffle you anymore.

“you look like you have more questions,” jungkook proposed by giving a soft squeeze to the side of your waist his palm rested.

“yes,” you stared at his sleepy eyes.

“ask away,” he asked gingerly.

“why did you check the flavor of my lip balm like that?”

“by putting my thumb on your lips?” his eyes roamed a little bit upon your face before he continued, “my hands are clean, i promise, ______,” at this point, you two were only whispering. the sound of your voices in enough decibel for the only person for whom the words were.

“no, that’s, i don’t mean that, do you do that to others too?”

“you know i don’t really have a social life, right?”

“well, yeah, i know that,”

“then? do you want me to check in some other way next time?”

“why do you even need to check again? i wear this all the time nowadays,” you snickered half-heartedly.

“i mean i don’t know, it might become my comfort smell for the rest of my life, like you have petrichor for yourself,” this time he put out his other arm and had then completely wrapped you in this awkward position of a hug – your side pressed to his front, “you’re to me what the smell of rain is to you, ______, my favourite thing in the world no matter where i am.”

“jungkook,” you laughed in disbelief as you said his name, “if you have so much time cheesing around with me, maybe give this little guy some attention, okay? your lunch is in the fridge. i have to go. maa will kill me if i’m late, alright?” you gave his toned stomach some light caress before gently getting yourself out of his warm embrace.

“won’t you stay till i finish my lunch?” jungkook reached out to hold the end of your fingers, like a child who doesn’t want to be left alone.

“jungkook…i wish i could. we are meeting some relatives in the evening so i really have to go. i have to run some errands on behalf of maa.”

jungkook grimaced. he stepped forward and engulfed your palm in his before leaning in to press a delicate kiss upon your lips. you took the moment’s intention to go up on your tippy toes to give him a smooch on his plump cheek and as you pulled away from his face, the smile was back at the corner of his mouth. you, in return, mirrored the beam on his face.

“when are you coming back after this dinner with your relatives?” jungkook inquired with a plan in his head.

“probably 10 PM, but i’m not sure. my mother always gets into a chatty mood whenever she’s with a close family member. why do you ask?”

“i was hoping if i can see you before i go to bed tonight,”

“you will come to my place? when my mother’s there?” surprised you questioned the boy in front of you.

“i have to return those tupperwares, right?” there was a glint in his eyes and you knew what he meant.

“oh, so you’ll use that excuse to catch a glimpse of me, huh?” you grinned.

jungkook sighed loudly. he was trying not to break out in a big toothy grin as he squeezed his eyes shut and faced the ceiling.

“ah, i’m caught.”

“yes, you are. of course, you are. now go and eat.”

you walked out of the kitchen and headed for the door. jungkook followed you behind, holding the door for you as you stepped outside. his face looked so much more better than some minutes ago when he had discovered you in his kitchen, putting foods inside his fridge like something opposite of a thief.

“see you,” you told him as you turned around facing the neighbourhood but before you took a sharp turn towards your place next door, you looked back at jungkook and chuckled.

“make sure to return those boxes tonight!”

fin.

[pffbts]

Hii!! I seriously have no idea what to say but I'm so happy to find someone Bengali here, and i hope you're doing well. I just read your Taehyung piece and it was mesmerizing 💜 love your writing, keep it up 💖💜💕

Oh my god, hello there fellow Bong! How are you? I'm sorry if this reply is late but thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it! 💌 I'm grateful that you enjoyed my last Taehyung piece that if I'm being honest, I wrote on a whim. Glad it reached your heart.