poetrecks - Tumblr blog

[poetrecks]

if someday i wont make it, i hope people i love find this. and let them know that i tried to live. but life suddenly became not worth living.

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how come youre okay and im not its not fair

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i wish i was as strong as you. god, please give me tips. how do i unlove you?

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I did not like it when someone touched my hair. I didn't want them to feel their thinness. I didn't want to feel someone's palm trying to slide on the roughness of it. But when you touched it and tucked a strand behind my ear, I knew I wanted you to touch it forever. I knew you were the only one who was allowed.

- poetrecks

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[poetrecks]

Journal 1

Maybe this day you will cry while grunting at how unfair it is.

You, in front of the mirror, woke up alone, clueless, sad, and broken. Sleep deprived, eyes swollen, hair disheveled. You can’t even recall the last time that you cleansed your face. It doesn’t matter if you smell bad because no one is there. You simply gaze into the mirror, questioning whether you still have the will to continue.

How unfair.

You have a hazy appetite. You crave food to make you feel less alone, but you know that eating will only make you feel sicker, so you resist the urge to eat. Refusing to go to sleep early because she might finally respond, and you don’t want to miss that. You withdraw from the outside world, and the thought of even a fragment of sunshine reaching your skin makes you want to die.

Unfair… Unfair…

You continue to cry despite the internet's ludicrous three-month rules. You plead with the gods in front of the calendar to make January the month where things start to turn around. To have enough courage to remove the thousands of images of her on this day.

Unfair. Fucking unfair.

Where her voice and fragrance cling to your shoulder like a ghost, where she used to kiss you, you are trapped. You execute worse than you did beforehand. Your lips are more blistered, your skin is drier, and your body is in shambles from the red blemishes from the cats you cuddled to keep you company. You are becoming more and more ugly.

Unfair… Unfair…

You spend the entire day staring at nothing, so you forget what day it is. Hearing your mom holler at you to get your crap together. You no longer find it upsetting to hear your younger brother cry because he makes exactly the noises in your mind.

It's not fair; it's unfair. While she's well, thriving, and improving, you are at the lowest point of your life.

Even though you know you want her to be fine, it drives you crazy that she isn't grieving as much as you are. She has completely stopped thinking about you. Somewhere in her apartment, your photos went missing, burned, or were cut. The handshakes she receives every weekend take the place of your fragrance. Your voice is inaudible; thus, she won't be able to hear you laugh if you do so right next to her. She's meeting new people and creating memories in a new setting.

And you're either giddy, drowsy, or overindulged in caffeine, as you wrote. It's possible that you are dehydrated or that the flavor of cigarettes is making your mouth dry. You have no idea what's going on, except for the fact that you are still here and she has moved on.

Unfair, right?

You can't hate her; you just want to be furious, but not at her. It makes you want to lash out at yourself. But it's just too much. You feel worn out, depressed, nervous, hungry, drowsy, and disoriented. It merely makes the already overwhelming amount of self-hatred worse. And in that instant, you finally get a sharper image of yourself in the mirror. What a pity. How terribly desperate am I? Will I truly remain this way forever?

Finally, you have a chance to select the right statement for you. "Take a break for yourself."

Unfair

But now that you think about it, perhaps she experienced this as well; she's just moved past this stage. Maybe she had difficulty at first as well, but eventually she succeeded. Perhaps there were occasions when she reassured herself, looking in the mirror, that she didn't deserve anything you gave her. She probably found it difficult to move on.

Both of you were wounded. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean the pain won't stop because she moved on first.

When you finally get to your feet, you wash your face first. Feel the cool water caressing your cheek bruises, like it's trying to reassure you that everything will be well. Your world is not going to end here.

Being left behind doesn’t mean you’ll be there forever. Give up viewing everything as a race. Just make sure to stand up and start going your way. Be at ease with being by yourself. You can do this. You are free to carry on.

She deserves the peace that she is experiencing, even though you do not deserve to be entangled in your own misery.

[poetrecks]

“I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely.”

Sylvia Plath.

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Kathryn Hargett-Hsu, from “Trapdoor in the Closed Circuit My Life Was Meant To Be”

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Ruth Awad, from “Reasons To Live”

[poetrecks]

Poetrecks, When Everything is Said and Done

An excerpt from my e-book.