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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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real footage of me

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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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#vibes #cb

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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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7 de maio de 204

15h47

today I'm writing from my secretary. this is my last day at the office (I think). I don't have birds chirping, or the wind rustling the leaves. I only listen to footsteps, the machine. In front of me I have my three computers. wait.

im back. all the computers are black. they're turned off. I have lights around me and they're yellow whiteish (a clear yellow?) I need to take my cough syrup. I haven't taken it yet. my mind is eating me up. I either got the evil eye or im just stressed. or maybe tired. either way, i took a pill to calm me down.

today I had a long chat with the co-director of the museum. it was very interesting to observe her mannerisms and her speaking. once she realized I could speak english, she became quite confortable, which I was happy with (or at least she looked more confortable) regardless, I kept thinking of how I could contribute to the conversation, instead of worrying about the content of it. I mean, I was worried about the content5 of the conversation, since I needed it to participate in it. I guess we're on different wave-lengths: i just want to be hired and she has a lot on her hands i guess.

I want to talk about me. differently. today I got a message, wait. actually, it was yesterday. after talking for some time and frequently, the person I was talking to, left me on read. did he ghost me? I can say he did lol. but that was my biggest motive to strat journaling and creating good habits. I guess now that he finally answered I can go back to old me. I didn't make him wait on purpose. as a matter of fact, I was too busy trying to create good habits that I ended up having no time to answer him. so evidently, I took a whole 24 hours to do it. but that's how long I had to wait for his answer too. in a spam of 3-4 days (?) he "ghosted" me twice. now that im writing about it i wonder: why do I care so much? honestly i don't think I care that much, especially after writing this. it might be the reason they say to journal after all. to let go of your worries and clean your head.

im listening to this man on the phone speaking to his daughter. he works in the office next to mine and clearly they need to fix these walls bcus let me tell you they are not sound proof. anyways. I have always had this idea of the museum being grandious, a monumental place where I had rarely gone to, let alone have an opportunity to work at. so I always thought that I shouldn't take it for granted. but as I hear this man speak, and I wonder how many years he's been working here for, I think why hasn't his daughter asked to get a place here (to work)? he certainly would have given her a spot. but then I put myself in his position. in her position: maybe she doesn't like doing this, working in a museum; maybe he doesn't like taking advantage of the corrupt system (although he seems like he does) (my arm hurts). whatever. I guess the museum isn't worthy of the pedestal I put it in. everything is a perfect fantasy until I get to know it. maybe because real life isn't that - and when it is it quickly becomes normal (I get used to it).

sorry, i forgot what I was saying my colleague talked to me.

I am feeling quite tired today. I might fall asleep on the train. And once I get home. But I can't forget to exercise. I have to take the syrup. I keep looking at my phone with the excuse of looking at the time. but in reality Im checking my notifications. I turned them on again because of -. I could be nonchalant but for what reason? I am interested in him, but when I don't feel that it is reciprocated I close off and act mean. people feel differently. I have to accept it. if it is not meant to be, the world won't end. take it slow. maybe I should turn off my notifications again. it won't do me no good to get anxious over messages.

17h50

i've got more to say. i leave on a random tuesday, a random day. everything random. my heart is beating. things are rushing. i am stuck in the bubble again. suddenly i want to leave and be gone. I want to love and to succeed and to embrace and to smile. I want to drink, to?

#diary #digital diary #blog #blog entry #cb

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poisonprettyblog · 7 months ago

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6 de maio de 2024

i don't know how to start. today is monday. and i'm feeling bittersweet. this acid taste in my throat reminds me of my feelings. i think i should just give up on love; but i can't. i love love. i love being vulnerable, having the attention on me; and i love taking care of people, being endeared by them; calling them cute and thinking that. i could hold them in my arms and pet their heads and tell them sweet things. but what if that love isn't meant for me? what if i'm not meant to have a happy romantic relationship? I feel haunted by my parents relationship and by how they loved. and still do. I think I'm interested in this person, I might like them, but my head tells me its too early to tell; I know that by this much future Claudia will be able to recall this memory: maybe happy, maybe crying on nostalgia - although I don't think it will be because I miss the feeling. is it worth it? I'm seeing a happy couple in front of me (to the side) but right now I dont want to be like them. Isn't it important to be at peace with myself first? I always wondered: because I feel just great by myself and I think I've achieved some type of high value on my self worth. but the moment I have a romantic interest. it all changes. I live and breathe for them - at least mentally; I still need to distract myself and live in real life. maybe I just to burst the bubble that I live in. Am I in a bubble? I want to hear people's laugh, the wind blowing, the birds chirping, the construction site, the ambulance - and I wanna be in it. but for some reason, I feel like a spectator of my own life. am I alone? I know I'm not. I have my friends, my dear friends, I really love them, but do they know me? I want to be able to show the real me, but I am guilt: the one I show is a performance covering my internal guilt. even now as I'm writing, it's a performance, is it not, Claudia? I wanted to vent about my current problems but I just ended up writing about useless stuff. the kids are dancing ans singing. I want to be happy like that. I've been offered a job opportunity at Gulbenkian. communication and digital strategy. I want to. It's fun. I like my colleagues. I get money. but deep down there's a voice: you don't deserve it. I know I do. I've worked hard (even if I could've worked harder) and I performed well: I was the nice girl I did as told (although sometimes I gave my opinion - which I'm proud of) and there must be a reason as to why they want me there (I'm mentally counting the number of pages I've written - I'm running out of patience). I played the part and dressed the part too - was I not perfect? who am I acting for? I wish I knew. today I listened to brenda's podcast. she has achieved so much. she's a fashion journalist and columnist for different magazines. I admire her deeply. she looks like she has her life organized, even if she doesn't say it (her feed is curated but truly her life is chaotic. I believe; or at least she knows how to balance it out - or tries to. we can't truly know it all, can we? there is no absolute truth.) anyways. what I wanted to say is that she loves fashion, and she does what she has to in order to follow that path. so what I'm wondering is if taking the job at Gulbenkian will be the right choice? if I really love fashion, that is. I think I do. It makes me happy. I love to learn about and be in it, feel it in my blood. I want to visualize my fig tree and I can't help but remember how that one girl said everyone wanted to be creative. wanted to create. it is in our blood. to make life and produce. to make something and call it ours; so my fig tree brenching out currently looks like this: marketing; fashion marketing; fashion writer; blogger?; babysitter; veterenary; (there's probably more to add) brenda also talked about finite vs infite goals, so I want to write an initial sketch of my infinite goals:

to be at peace with myself. to trust myself and my decisions, without needing everyone's opinions

to love without fear. to love my friends, my people, the ones that reciprocate that love, and even the ones that don't. to love is to exist. I am the love, I don't need proof of it.

to appreciate more. deeply and slowly. the world is moving, just like me. but I need to take it in. before I lose it. the people. their smirks, their expressions. the plane flying over, the sound it makes. the leaves rustling and the birds singing along. even the sound of the city.

to understand the difference in everyone. to take my time and listen. the world is not the internet's opinion. listen. take it in. understand everyone is different, everyone changes. you are different. you change. and it's okay.

to work hard when I want something, never take a step back. when you really feel it. you know it's meant for you. your intuition knows. so follow it! I have a question for you Claudia, I need you to solve it when you can. Do you want to move to south korea? Do you see yourself working there and speaking korean? or do you want to stay here? and admire your country, to stop rejecting it? not everything is black and white. think about it.

to trust myself. you can talk, speak, express yourself. you have a body, a min, a soul and desires and opinions and it's okay: you're allowed to speak. you are not trapped. you are what you create and you are a beautiful - I don't want to be radically optimistic. I just want to trust myself, really. I can do it. If I fall, I get back up. Be stronger and wiser. I can do it (I've lost patience - or maybe I don't have anything else to write - or maybe I think this is the perfect way to end this entry, like a performance, I'm always true to myself lol.)

#digital diary #diary #blog entry #cb

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poisonprettyblog · 3 years ago

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