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Kaya Ko Pa Ba

Sa tagal ko ng hindi nagsusulat, iniisip ko tuloy kung kaya ko pa ba, tulad ng pag-iisip ko kung kaya ko pa ba.. Kaya ko pa bang manatili sa tabi mo kahit iba ang nasa isip mo, Kaya ko pa bang tiisin lahat ng panlalamig mo, Kaya ko pa bang tagalan lahat ng pambabalewala mo sa mga efforts ko, Kaya ko pa bang magising bawat araw na hindi ako ang katabi mo, Kaya ko pa bang tanggapin ang mga paliwanag mong pawang kasinungalingan lamang at higit sa lahat Kaya ko pa bang marinig ang mga salitang "mahal kita" na pakiramdam ko'y matagal ng hindi para sa akin.

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Ilang beses pa ba?

Ilang beses pa bang kailangang masaktan para ikaw ay makalimutan. 

Ilang beses pa bang kailangang ipagtabuyan para ikaw ay tuluyang iwan.

Ilang beses pa bang kailangang lumuha para masabing tama na; at

Ilang beses pa bang kailangang mawasak pa para tuluyang bumitaw na.

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An Open Letter to the One that Got Away

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Tell me how it is done.

Tell me how it is done. 

Tell me how to forget things in an instant.

Tell me how to forgive people that fast.

Tell me how to let go of things that easily.

Tell me how to sleep at night without thinking about it.

Tell me how to bury these memories into it’s deepest grave.

Tell me how to stop these tears from falling every time.

Tell me how to relieve all these pain I have inside.

Tell me how to fix these broken pieces.

Tell me how to survive everyday while feeling like dying.

Tell me how it is done.

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It's just words, a statement (I love you, I like you). It's not enough and it will never be if you think that's all you need. What makes it enough, what makes it one is choice -constantly choosing to love. So, what are you gonna choose?

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Maraming nangyari sa buhay ko for the past months. Ang daming pinaramdam sakin. Nandyan yung naging masaya ako, malungkot, nagalit, minsan nga halo-halo yung naramdaman ko. Nakakabaliw. I even felt that I am lost. Hindi ko alam gagawin ko, hindi ko alam kung saan ako patutungo. Nalilito ako or should I say naliligaw ako. Things did not go as planned. Sinubukan ko naman. Pero bakit hindi pa rin. Minsan nagtatanong ako, ano pa bang kulang sa akin, ano pa bang hindi ko ginawa. I sometimes get jealous of other people. Yung mga taong they get what they want. Then I read an article patience. Then I realized, maybe things weren't going as planned but things will go as He planned. That I just need to be patient and wait for things to happen in His time. Not because it didn't happen now, it will not happen tomorrow, the day after it, next week, next month or even in the years to come. I guess it's just His way of saying, I have better plans for you or just wait I'll give it to you when you're ready. Now, all I have to do is to wait, trust, and put my faith in God that whatever plans He has for me, it will be for the better. I'm putting Him in control of my life. FATHER, THY WILL BE DONE.

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😆

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Sa bigla mong pagdating...

Yung nababaliw ka na kasi hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin, pero bigla siyang darating para ikaw ay pakalmahin.

Yung litong-lito ka na kasi hindi mo alam kung anong uunahin, pero bigla siyang darating para ito ay ayusin.

Yung iyak ka na ng iyak kasi dahil nasasaktan na ang iyong damdamin, pero bigla siyang darating para ikaw ay patahanin.

Yung hindi ka na makatulog dahil sa dami ng gumugulo sa isipan, pero bigla siyang darating para ika’y patulugin at kantahan.

Yung hindi mo alam kung paanong ikaw ay liligaya, pero bigla siyang darating para ika’y mapatawa.

Yung akala mo na ika’y nag-iisa na, pero bigla siyang darating para samahan ka.

Yung pakiramdam mo na wala ng may pakialam sayo, pero bigla siyang darating para mahalin ka ng todo todo.

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“Paano ba mag move on?”

Someone once asked me “Paano ba mag move on?” Napaisip ako at tinanong ko rin ang sarili ko, “Paano nga ba?” May specific steps ba on how to move on? Yung tipong dadaan ka muna sa 5 Stages of Loss or Grief tapos makakamove on ka na.

Yung una, denial muna. Hindi mo pa muna matanggap sa sarili mo, na wala na. TAPOS NA! (Ayan, capslock para intense!) Hindi na magiging katulad ng dati at kahit anong glue pa ang gamitin mo, hindi mo na mabubuo ang nabasag mong puso. (Bitter ba si ate?) Tapos, “what’s gonna kill you is the second part.” Finally, narealize mo din na wala na. Kaya masakit, kaya para kang pinapatay, kaya magagalit ka kung kanino man. Anger na. Tapos bargaining. Andyan na yung mga “what if’s”, *if only*, yung mga regrets. Ang dami mo ng maiisip. Tapos depression, malulungkot ka. IIyak ka. Itatago mo ang sarili mo sa mundo. And finally, when you come back to your senses, marerealize mo na wala ka ng magagawa. Unti-unti mo ng matatanggap na wala na. Acceptance na and ayun, BOOM! Naka MOVE on ka na!

Sana ganoon lang kadali. Yung tipong pag tapos ka na sa first stage. Hindi na uult dun. Kaso, first stage pa lang talo ka na. Hindi matapos tapos ang pagdedeny mo ng katotohanan. May mga taong nakakaalis nga sa denial pero di naman makamove on sa anger. Ayun, dun sila nasisira. Mayroon namang dumadaan sa una hanggang ika aapat pero hindi nila marating yung huli. May pabalik balik sa denial, depression, tapos bargaining ulet, tapos denial ulet, tapos anger, and so on. Parang Ferris Wheel lang, paikot-ikot. Di na matapos tapos. Minsan nga, roller coaster pa, taas, baba, paikot, mabagal, mabilis. 

Iba-iba lang siguro talaga tayo ng paraan kung paano magmove on. Magkakaiba ng bilis. Walang specific na steps. Depende sayo, kung gaano mo kabilis matatanggap yung sitwasyon. Depende kung gaano kalalim yung sugat. Minsan nga, akala mo move on ka na, yun pala hindi pa. But if there’s one thing I know about moving on, it is a choice. It’s a choice you have to make every day. Pwede kang manatili sa kahapon, o pwede namang sumabay ka sa agos ng buhay. It is and will always be your choice. 

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The Playlist

Life is a music we play everyday. The music we hear depends on how we feel, depends on how we want to feel, or depends on how others makes us feel.

And today, all I hear is the music of my heart saying, “how can I possibly break, when I wasn’t even whole to start with.” Then “tears” started to “stream down my face”. It’s really hard, really hard “when you lose something” you think “you cannot replace”. “Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard”. So hard that sometimes I ask myself “should I give up or should i just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?” If only I could “go back to December, turn around and change my own mind”, then maybe things would be different. 

Because of all the things that happened, ���I learned to live half alive”. I just hope that “one day these tears, they will all run dry” and “I won’t have to cry.” Now, I think that “It’s probably better off this way” and  “there's nothing left to say, but goodbye.”

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I'm okay

I’m not okay, just pretending to be. 

I’m not okay, but no one can see.

I’m not okay, somebody save me.

I’m not okay, but nobody believed me.

Would I be okay, if I count to three.

Would I be okay, if you are near me. 

Would I be okay, if I run from here. 

Would I be okay, if you will save me.

I’m okay, please let me be. 

I’m okay, I will be.

I’m okay, please somebody tell me.

I’m okay, I’ll just pretend to be.

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YOU

There’s always that one person that you think about whenever you need someone to talk to, that one person that you want to see when you are sad, that one person that you want to hug when you feel like your world is falling apart, that one person that you want to share all your happy moments with, that one person that has a switch to your mood, that one person that can make you feel good just by being there, that one person that can hurt you the most and that one person is you.

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Next Chapter

Maybe it’s time to end this chapter and write a new one. Maybe it’s time to stop hoping, waiting that one day you’ll be back and you’ll explain why things has to be this way. Maybe it’s time for me to start unlocking the chain that connects me to you so I can totally move on with my life. Maybe it’s time for me to stop letting you to affect me this way. Maybe it’s time for me to accept that things will never be the same. Maybe it’s time for me to finally let go of you.

I’m letting you go so I can be happy. I’m letting you go so I can be free. I’m letting you go so I can sleep peacefully at night not thinking about the broken promises you’ve made. I’m letting you go so I can stop hurting. I’m letting you go so I can love myself better. I’m letting you go so I can finally start the new chapter of my life.

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Sabi mo sa akin pag gusto kita makita, puntahan kita dito. And true enough nung pumunta ako dun, kahit ang tagal kong naghintay nakita kita.. I hugged you tight kasi sobrang miss na kita. We had played games and had fun. We talked for like forever. Sobrang namiss ko yun. Then suddenly, i heard someone calling my name, hinanap ko kung saan nanggaling yun. Pagbalik ko ng tingin sayo, wala ka na. Hinanap kita pero hindi kita nakita. Hanggang unti-unting dumilim ang paligid at...... Nagising ako. Panaginip lang pala. Bigla akong napaisip, kung pupunta kaya ako sa timezone, makikita kaya kita?

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Ang pagkamit ng tagumpay ay tulad ng pagsakay sa tren. Sa simula, kailangan mong maghintay para makasakay ka sa tren na magdadala sa iyo sa iyong tutunguhin. Minsan akala mo ayan na pero hindi naman pala. Minsan, ipipilit mo ang iyong sarili para makasakay ngunit hindi ka pa rin makakapapasok. Minsan hindi dadating sa takdang panahon. Kailangan mo lamang magtiyaga, pasasaan pa't makakasakay ka rin. Masaya ang pakiramdam pag sa wakas ay nakasakay ka na ngunit hindi pala doon natatapos ang lahat. Masikip sa loob ng tren, lahat sila'y gustong makarating sa kanilang paroroonan. Pagbukas ang pinto, nariyan ang itulak ka ng iba para makalabas sila o itutulak ka ng iba para makapasok sila. Minsan pakiramdam mo hindi mo na kaya at nais mo ng bumaba sa susunod na istasyon. Hindi biro ang dinadaanan ng tren, madalas lubak lubak, minsan nama'y paliko liko. May mga pagkakataong matutumba ka. Kapag ika'y sinamang palad naman, masisiraan ang tren. Hihintayin mong maayos bago mo maipagpatuloy ang paglalakbay. Minsan hindi na maayos at kailangan mong bumaba at maghintay ng susunod na tren o maghahanap ka ng panibagong daan para makarating ka sa iyong paroroonan. Ngunit tulad ng lahat ng paglalakbay, ang lahat ng ito'y matatapos din. Ika'y makakarating din sa iyong patutunguhan. Tulad ng pagsakay sa tren, ang paglalakbay tungo sa pagiging matagumpay sa buhay ay hindi ganoong kadali, madami kang pagdadaanan na pagsubok. Minsan ay matutumba ka, madadapa at tila susuko. Pero tulad ng paglalakbay sa tren, lahat ng pagsubok at paghihirap ay matatapos din. Pagtiyagaan mo lang at siguradong tagunpay ay makakamit din.