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ponder-dem-thots · 2 years ago

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You're the first detransition blog I've seen that isn't dismissive of trans and nonbinary people while confidently knowing that you're not one of those people yourself. Why do you suppose so many detransitioners end up kind of transphobic, calling all trans people uninformed and confused, and saying doctors push transitioning onto children? Bad luck with crap doctors or...?

Same anon from the one about detrans terfs, but I forgot to thank you for posting your thoughts and explanations. I appreciate how clearly you articulate your experiences and share them with us.

Hi, anon. I’m amused by your confidence that I’m Not One Of Them Terves. ;-) Many people can’t make up their minds about “what I am”. I’ve seen trans people remark to “be careful because she’s possibly radfem-aligned/TERFy”, and I’ve seen radfems proclaim that I’m “denying reality” and “influencing children to join the sexist transcult”.

In reality, these claims are generalizations: dismissals, strawmen. They’re attempts at stuffing complicated people into two-dimensional piñatas so they can be easily dismissed and torn down for public amusement. Depends on which flavor people feel like busting open that day; are we in the mood for complaining about the “TERFy repressed detransitioners”, or the “delusional self-hating mutilated lesbians”?

As for what it’s like to be on the receiving end... navigating the polarized online noise while trying to make sense of a concrete life experience as bizarre and difficult as detransitioning... I loathe psychology on the whole, but there is an idea from its books that might be relevant here. There is this concept of “cognitive dissonance”: the internal stress that occurs when someone holds two starkly conflicting ideas/beliefs, and the things they might do to seek internal consistency and relieve that discomfort. (There are different ways someone might do this; most commonly they will employ some combination of rationalization, justification, confirmation bias, or denial of one of the ideas in order to explain away the contradiction.)

In my shoes, I hold two uncomfortably conflicting perspectives:

A.) Transitioning and detransitioning was, on the whole, a genuinely terrible experience for me. Harm has been done to me and other women like me, I don’t want anyone else to go through the negative experiences I did, and am convinced it will keep happening unless something changes. I care about this greatly.

and

B.) Unless I’m being lied to on a grand conspiracy scale, then transitioning has also helped a lot of people, has genuinely improved their lives. I don’t live under a rock -- I personally know trans people, I have trans friends, and they report their happiness and satisfaction. I see it in their eyes and smiles. I care about this greatly, too.

I don’t know how to tell you how difficult it is to keep one foot firmly planted in each aisle. It requires an unholy amount of patience and maturity to sit with that conflict, and not try to erase it for the sake of internal consistency and making things “easy” and digestible. I can’t make my story fit into only one or the other; being authentic to my experience requires me to be a walking contradiction.

I imagine that most detrans people will be too exhausted to sit with this conflict, and will instead “pick a side” for the sake of sanity. I don’t blame them: there is little personal incentive to quietly struggle with contradiction when the rest of the world seems perfectly happy with reactionary bias and ignorant political polarization. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Some factors that might further drive detransitioners to forfeit the delicate middle ground include:

1.) The inherently antagonistic methods of communication built into social media sites for the sake of user engagement. These platforms aren’t made for people to work together. They’re made to stir up emotions and keep eyeballs glued to screens.

2.) The seeming lack of commonality or shared terminology between the two “sides” makes the rift especially great. A lot of basic tenets in the trans sphere... no longer make sense to me. The ideas of “cis” or “trans”, the concept of gender as an innate identity, I don’t get these things and have abandoned ship. For example, I reject the idea that I’m “nonbinary”, even though some people might think I fit that word to a T. Rejection like this is seen as antagonistic by many, even though it’s not intended as such.

3.) Yes, you’re right that there are also instances of “Bad luck with crap doctors”. Though it’s more complicated than just having a single bad doctor/healthcare experience. At least in my case, it’s years of “bad experiences” with entire clinics, groups of doctors, surgeons, therapists, lawyers, one professional after the next, all of those experiences painting a larger picture that’s hard to write off as “bad luck” when it looks more akin to medical neglect/abuse. What’s interesting is, I’m aware of trans people having similar complaints about the exact same clinics/surgeons I went to; I’m not the only one who left my gender clinic -- most people fleeing for greener pastures are not detransitioners. But my having detransitioned has introduced brand-new twists, new ways for these professionals to be additionally awful, and they’re given a free pass because “who cares, it’s some crazy mistaken Cis Person, right? They’re not trans, don’t give their story legitimacy”. We have common interests, but people are more satisfied with being petty.

4.) The dismissal that we receive from trans advocates and organizations. The times I’ve see trans people literally claim to have empathy for detransitioners, it’s often very devoid of that. Instead, there is dismissal in the form of justification, their attempts at relieving their own cognitive dissonance about our existence. They say that “detransition is valid”, that “it’s okay to go on a gender journey”, that “detransitioners simply made a Wrong Choice”, that “detransitioners are just another kind of trans/genderfluid, or are trans people in denial”, etc and so on. Not only do I disagree, it shows that I’m not seen, heard, or related to at all. They can’t empathize because they’re too busy distancing themselves from me, unwilling to admit that I was once indistinguishable from them. It’s insulting, and it’s hard to ignore after a while.

I’ve seen more and more trans people saying “It’s okay to detransition”. I appreciate the sentiment, but I disagree emphatically. It’s not okay. Nothing about this is okay. Transitioning and detransitioning has been one of the most messed up things I’ve been through (and I’ve been through a lot of shit). This isn’t Normal.

BUT, I also want people like me to know that it’s possible to go through all of this and find a way to be okay. That you can make it through a messed up experience like this and be some kind of okay in the end. That you can find yourself somewhere new, find a way to thrive there, and stitch together personal coherence and wholeness. That you can heal afterward. That you aren’t permanently broken, damaged, mutilated. That there is no going back, but there is going forward, and that there can be something Good in all of it.

There is a difference between “This is okay” and “This is not okay, but you can make it through and be okay.”

#ashtons thought #detrans

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ponder-dem-thots · 3 years ago

Text

vent post, feel free to ignore

i hate myself a lot. i try not too, i do self care i shower as often as i can bc it always helps even if it is incredibly difficult too do, i hang out with my friends whenever iget up the courage to ask them if they want too, i wish i could tell them this but i dont want to be a burden, i know they would probly say that i am not a burden but i still feel like i am. i have been wondering a lot why i am still alive, like why do i keep living what am i doing with my life why dont i just- ok but like i havent found a reason too live why i am still here i dont know ; but i havent found a reason to die either . . .

i want to live my life openly as a queer trans person but i cant do it- im scared, im scared that i will lose my friends, they mean more to me than most things in life i dont know what i would do without them.

im scared, both that they wouldn't accept me and that they would. i dont really understand though bc i fear their acceptance more than their regection i have been mentally preparing myself for rejection my whole life i thought it was guaranteed, but i think them accepting me might be worse bc then i would have to be myself fully i wouldnt get a do over like i would if i just moved and restarted my life i would have to learn to love myself as i am, instead of who i want to be. i dont know if i believe any of the things im writing or why i am writing them. all i know is getting my thoughts down somewhere helps me process my emotions.

i am tired and sick and scared so very scared also hungry and my stomach feels weird.

also ASLO i have these feelings for someone i know we'll call them Q. q is cool and i like them a lot . . . as a friend? . . . i am not sure. i keep on getting these urges to tell them i love them 🤔 weird for sure but like i do, i just need them to know. but i dont want a relationship i dont think it wouldn't even work bc ... i guess i havent let myself think about it actually but i DO want them to know how much i value their friendship i truly do. i also feel like im probly just too clingy :/ but i want to tell them anyway. i have rhis thing (jealousy) where i get ridiculous lly jealous of them when they hang out with out me amd its so dumb bc they r their own person and totally deserve to have awesoem fulfilling friendships aside from me DUH but my brain keeps telling me they r gonna abandon me and iit hurts to think that pls brain they dont want to leave us

ugh anyway i need to sleep what on esrth was all this about anyway

#vent lol #amogus #i miss them ok i jusy want them to text me back idk #no not text back just i miss them is all

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