positioningmyemotions

[positioningmyemotions]

How to Love a Narcissist

To miss someone who brings you so much pain is cruel. What an evolutionary failure to build me in such a way. I am not deserving of this. If I am, tell me why. Say it to me plain. Make me understand the deeds I have done which deserve to be punished. Show me where I will burn. I will lay on that platform and wither to ash. I will scream as my flesh separates from my bones and in my dying breath, I will still miss her.

[positioningmyemotions]

~Cathartic Myasma~

Do you listen

Have you been wondering what pain I must endure

What joy I know now

Or have you just forgotten

Maybe you never checked

The last lifeline

They remind me of you

No, not you

The way you made me feel

God, I hope they fuck like you too

Then maybe it will all be worth it

[positioningmyemotions]

I just keep hoping I'll make it to the day my tattoos have faded beyond recognition. That my skin has wrinkled. That my bones ache from sun up to sundown. I wish to have lived a full, rich life. I wish to have memories that have faded, but never quite leave me. That even though my friends will have gone, I still remember the sounds of their laughter. A thousand kisses have graced my lips. I wish to stare into the trees on an old porch and close my eyes to every reason I chose to stay.

If it is not by my own hand

I wish to live

[positioningmyemotions]

I don't wish to end my life

I just think maybe I have no purpose

I don't wish to end my life

I just think my body is failing me

I don't wish to end my life

I just think these pills feel like chains

I don't wish to end my life

I just think a person can only be so tired

I don't wish to end my life

I just think my gender will never be accepted

I don't wish to end my life

I just think I am horrible to the ones I love

I don't wish to end my life

I just think

I just think I don't know how to do this

[positioningmyemotions]

I can't imagine this is too deep to dig my way out

The calluses of my palms beg to differ

I have moved mountains to find a smile

You can't have me

I won't let you

[positioningmyemotions]

Because I have loved so deeply

So easily

I know I am to be loved so deeply

So easily

So effortless

I will be the oxygen in your lungs

And the favorite sensation on your lips

[positioningmyemotions]

And when someone leaves their mark on my skin

I scrape and claw my nails deep

Begging for memories buried beneath the haze

And when my body belonged to them

I was free

[positioningmyemotions]

I've made so many memories

Lost to those who never deserved me

Crushed by the weight of unrequited love

But the depths of my affection shall never empty

[positioningmyemotions]

Boredom has made me fall in love with you

But the sex

The sex will destroy me

[positioningmyemotions]

"You did such a good job, baby"

Playing in a loop in my head as I run my fingers between my legs

On my skin

Where I can still feel you

[positioningmyemotions]

Here, even the muddy waters are clear

I dream of dipping my fingertips

Cleansing waters seeping down to my bones

Clearing the muck after years of darkness

I am nature's experiment

May she do with me what I could not

[positioningmyemotions]

Every deep green of the trees on the hills

Remind me that when the sun shines

I am free to release my meloncholy

I am free to breathe

I am free

[positioningmyemotions]

"Blake, just be honest with me. Can you handle this? Can you deal with sharing me?"

Dierdre looked at him in the mirror, taking a brief pause with her makeup.

"It's not that Dee. It's just... why did you choose him to carry you in the video?"

He sat in the chair next to her and reached out to grab her hand. His eyes fell to their fingers, slowly interlacing together.

She twisted in her chair to face him and gripped his hand reassuringly. She bit her lip and tried desperately to find the right words.

"It just worked better. The director said it made more sense. He's just built bigger. It helped me look smaller in the scene. It's just an artistic choice. Are you sure this is really what you're upset about? Not the hotel thing? Because I swear I didn't know he was coming to my room."

Dierdre shifted into his lap and held his face so their eyes could meet. She planted a soft kiss on his mouth, sensing the tension in his body. He softened at the kiss and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"You're right. I just need some time with just us. Let's take these few days off for us. We're close to my hometown, you know. I could take you around. Show you the old stomping grounds."

He smiled brightly at her, squeezing her hips as he spoke.

"Deal, I'll let Ada know we are taking a few days away. She might pitch a mini fit, but I'll convince her. This tour has been rough. I definitely need a few days to recover before the West Coast. Not to mention, I'll very much enjoy having three uninterrupted days of you being inside me."

She leaned down to kiss him and gave a small bite to his lip as she pulled away. He groaned in response and pressed his head against her chest.

"Don't do that or I'll never make it through this interview."

Dierdre started to giggle and ran her fingers through his soft blonde hair.

"Hope I'm not interrupting, but they need us out there."

Corey stood in the doorway with his arms crossed. His shoulder pressed into the doorframe as his gazed slipped to Blake's hands still gripping Dierdre's hips. The look on his face almost indifferent. Dierdre knew better. He'd find a moment later tonight to match those hands on her hips. It was always a balancing act between the three of them, but Corey was feral about it. Where Blake was tender with her, Corey was a force.

Blake tightened his hold on Dierdre ever so slightly as he lifted his head to meet Corey's gaze.

"Shit, I still need to finish my makeup a little. Can you stall for me?"

Dierdre flashed a smile at Corey and his gaze softened ever so slightly.

"Ada won't like it, but I'll tell her you were preoccupied. She can punish you later."

He motioned his head toward Blake and quickly turned to head out of the room. Corey was tall and muscled in a way that made everyone in the room feel tiny. Every doorway looked small in comparison and Dierdre couldn't help the way she stared. She felt Blake shift his weight beneath her and turned to face him.

"I'll let you finish."

'Today is going to be rough,' She thought to herself as Blake eased her off his lap and quickly left the room.

[positioningmyemotions]

It's faces you wish you could kiss

It's hair your fingers long to be lost in

It's emotion you bury deep

It's every bit of love hiding in me

[positioningmyemotions]

"BECAUSE THEY'RE STRANGERS!"

Elio pleads to Sabine with tears in their eyes. Their voice begins to crack and strain as they pull together their swirling thoughts.

"But, they'll know more. We can only empathize. We can't understand what you feel. I can't understand, sweetie."

Sabine says the words in the calmest voice Elio has ever heard.

"They don't know what our father did to us. To me. They don't know the way our mother speaks to us. They don't know me. You know me. You're my family, Sabine. Of course, I have therapists. Of course, I have queer friends to talk to. But I need you. I just want my sister to look me in the eye and tell me I'll be okay. I want to know you will still love me. When my name changes and my gender isn't what you knew. I need to know that I am LOVED. I need to know that love isn't conditonal. I need to know it doesn't drip with pain. I need to know I'm easy to love. Please. Because if I never know it, Sabine...I can't. Please."

Elio sobs as they pull their hands to cover their eyes. The crushing weight of Sabine's silence blocks out all thoughts except one. An image pooling in their mind of their three siblings staring blankly at a headstone that still reads "Lily"

A little scene from a story I wrote based on a personal experience recently. Conversation is almost verbatim, which sort of gives me chills to read it back.

[positioningmyemotions]

I thought if I spent enough time kissing stranger's lips, I could find a sense of relief in them

That I'd be lost from the gravity of emotions

I'd exit this existence and experience silence in ways I've craved all my life

It doesn't seem to be working

And so I sit

In one more coffee shop

Telling the same little stories I've said to a hundred other glazed over eyes

Do you feel free yet, my love?

[positioningmyemotions]

I think of trees

Still, broken, bent

Strong

And so I climb

Still, broken, bent

Free