problematicvenuschild-blog - Tumblr blog

[problematicvenuschild-blog]

horrific bando

So today has been an okay day. I had to talk my boyfriend down from killing himself. I know, how is that a good day, it seems crazy but it was. After seeing him in he living room with an empty E&J bottle and 3 knifes pointed at his wrists and several breakdown later, I told him I could not possibly be strong for him, my sister, my mother, and this baby (I'm in my second trimester). Its not healthy and I need a backbone after being a backbone to so many. I don't have, much of, a mother to run crying to. If I do she may further mentally deteriorate. He understood and with a few cries and hug and apologizes later( from me and him), we ended up being okay. He's alive, I'm alive. I'm happy.

   I don't know if I will do this as a dairy, or daily, or just when I feel shitty. I also don't want to feel like this blog is stupid or cliché or forced. I just want to document my feelings.

[problematicvenuschild-blog]

pregnancy cravings

I'm new to this blogging thing and really I'm doing it because I feel empty as hell lately. Maybe this will help me focus and be a better human. Maybe I wont lash out at people (such as my mother and boyfriend and sister). Pregnancy (which I am), causes mood swings and anger and sadness but I feel like im experiencing a very unhealthy amount of anger. I was raised in an old school household but I have a millennial brain, equality of the sexes, equality of queen/trans people, fuck trump all that good shit, BUT I can't help but feel like im lowkey sending my child to some bad energy shit because I can't for the life of me find happiness again. I feel abandoned constantly and it makes me feel like I can't catch my footing. I'm trying to get a grip on life. I fell in love, I have a house of my own (by force, if I continue this blog im pretty sure ill mention it, its a very important aspect in my sadness) I have a beautiful baby on the way after miscarrying at 5 weeks, I quit my job to take care of my mom(will talk about later). Now I feel I have nothing for myself. I want to give myself, my child, my boyfriend so much because they deserve it. My boyfriend needs help with the bills but most times after he is gone to work all I want to do is be home by myself without anyone there and just lock myself away and scream and break everything and fuck everything and give it all up. but I can't because I have a baby on the way, and a mother with mental issues and a suicidal sister and a man that's a straw away from a breakdown because I can't do what he asks which is just help him support our livelihood and I know he deserves help but I cant make myself move. I named this blog pregnancy cravings because im pregnant obviously lol but Im craving something passed being pregnant. I need something worth more than my life. I don't want any of this depression to reflect onto my child. Sociological locks on my brain. I feel like im running from demons that's not chasing me. I feel like its all in my head. "You don't have anything to be depressed about", tuh okay. My whole life has been a joke to me. I know this blog is allll over the damn place but its just so many things popping in my head that I need to say and whatevers popping in my head I just type. I promise future blogs will be more put together but today I needed to vent and honestly it helped! I guess I will be doing future blogs. ProblematicVenusChild to the fullest.