queengeekrose

[queengeekrose]

My silent struggle

I have a secret.  It’s one no one, not even my own family, who lives in the same house with me, has figured out, until very recently when I talked to them and told them, and it’s one I’m not proud of.  It’s time I talked about it.

It’s not exactly a secret that I’m overweight.  I have been my whole life.  I was even a very large newborn.  I get it.  And with my other health restrictions, I can’t exactly get a lot of exercise or move around a lot.  I have never been a gym rat or a fitness queen.  Everyone who knows me knows this.  Having asthma didn’t help these matters any either -- it’s hard to get excited about trying to do something that makes it hard to breathe.  I was also never particularly gifted at most sports or coordinated.  Let’s call a spade a spade here.  I’m clumsy and some of the other things going on in my life made that worse.  Anyway, I’m not athletic.  I don’t exercise much.  It’s hard for me to lose weight.  So I’ve always been called fat or chubby, or tubby, or plump (one of the kinder ones, usually by friends parents), or round, or rolly polly, or chunky, or some other, less than kind way of saying the same thing.  I mean ALWAYS.  It started when I was three, for fucks sake, going to a storytime at a public library, and other kid asked who the new fat girl was.  It beat me down and wore on me, year after year, decade after decade, become an ingrained part of who I was, what made me feel bad about myself in some way. 

It’s also not a secret I struggle with major depressive disorder.  Or PTSD.  Both of them are major factors in my life at this point and getting them diagnosed and starting treatment for them has helped me a lot.  I still have bad periods, like I’m going through now, where things just seem like an endless struggle to do the most basic tasks, but I know I can get through this because I have before.  My mental health will always be a factor in my life, I suspect, just because I have been through so much, even if the rest of my life were to suddenly be all sweetness and light.  Actually, that would probably make me a bit mistrustful too, just because of some of my history, but that’s a story for another time.  Today we are focusing on something more important.

Anyway, depression, self-image, a heft dose of self doubt, a smattering of self-hatred for being overweight for so long, and me, listening to some of those voices from my past, telling me I wasn’t worth the effort, the time, the expense, the love, the FOOD, ended with me silently spinning into a cycle of self abuse.  At first, it was things like literally picking at scars, cuts, or my skin until I bled, as close to cutting as I ever got.  Then, when I realized what I was doing, and I was diagnosed as a diabetic, and was forced to change my diet, I stopped.  Diabetics are more prone to getting infections because we heal slower and our body can be more at risk, so I decided it wasn’t worth it.  Instead, I decided to make a different change.  Now, please, keep in mind, none of this was actually done with me consciously thinking about it.  My brain just decided it would be the best way to handle things without me really making a choice that I knew of, other than to alter my diet to eat a more diabetic friendly diet.  I thought I was just cutting out sugars and carbs.  What I was really doing was starting down a very slippery slope.  One I’m still struggling on today, four years later.

The decision to cut carbs and sugar seemed easy for me.  I had a lot more willpower than I realized it seemed and suddenly I was just avoiding a lot of foods entirely and my blood sugar came under control in no time flat.  It amazed the doctors.  They had to take me off ALL the medicines, insulin included, except the very minimal maintenance medicine I still take now.  My blood sugars and long term blood sugars (A1C’s) measure more like someone who is not diabetic at all, most of the time, well below 100 daily (and below 5.8 for my A1C).  In other words, I no longer needed to maintain that super tight control and even push further.  My initial A1C had been very high, partly due to an infection, which as I understand it, often throws your body off, and I didn’t know I was diabetic at the time, so I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself either.  Now, I was doing better and going to the doctor, getting things checked, and trying to make a positive, or so I thought, change in my life.  I was even losing some weight!  That was an unexpected bonus. 

Now, as some of you no doubt know, at the same time I was diagnosed diabetic, my legs started giving out on me, due to an unrelated neurological condition.  The doctors have spent several years, countless procedures, and innumerable hours looking at me, my medical charts, going over my spine (they did multiple spinal taps and MRI’s), my legs (nerve biopsy, nerve conduction study, and countless tests of every sort imaginable), and even just focusing on my feet.  They found that the nerves were dead and dying from the inside out, but couldn’t find the cause (and the way they were dying, perfectly evenly on both legs, was extremely odd).  I definitely had something wrong, but they were all stumped.  Oh, and I had a VERY severely crushed spine that I hadn’t known about, probably from a car crash many years ago.  So I was told I needed to use a wheelchair whenever I was outside the house, so I didn’t fall, and even in the house, I should be careful.  My legs can randomly give out on me.  This didn’t help my mental well being, as it seemed like the doctors were kind of just giving up on me, saying “Oh, well.  Yeah, there’s something wrong, but we don’t know what.  Too bad for you.  Hope it gets better.  We’ll be interested to watch, if you let us.”

That was really the beginning of the dark times in my mental struggles.  I became passively suicidal.  I stopped eating almost completely and was often nauseous when I did eat.  I didn’t realize at the time what that was the beginnings of.  What I was starting to struggle with.  What I am still, two and a half, nearly three, years later, still struggling daily with.  ANOREXIA.  To look at me you wouldn’t think I had that problem.  I’m still overweight.  But here’s the thing, you can’t tell by looking at someone what’s going on in their head, heart, or body, most of the time.  I have had several extended family members struggle with anorexia, but I don’t think anyone in our family ever even thought I might be close, even when I said I hadn’t been eating.  No one paid attention.  I was giving them subtle warning signs, looking back, but the red flags all went unnoticed and flew under the radar.  I don’t blame them.  It took me a long time to realize I had been doing this to myself. 

So now my real work begins.  I need to find a way to somehow cope that isn’t so self destructive.  Hopefully, this time around things will be a little easier, as far as that goes.  Some of my stressors are gone.  My life is still rough and rocky, but such is the nature of life.  Some people just have more of an uphill battle than others.  I just wish mine were less of a mountain to climb at times.  And I know some of this is self-inflicted now, but it was never my intention to do this to myself, or to anyone in my family.  I now have to try extra hard to remember to eat everyday, and not skip, just because that’s what seems easier, and more what I want to do.  I can’t say it felt bad losing over 40 pounds in a year, even without much exercise, but that should have been a clue to everyone too, I think.  Even for someone who’s very overweight, that a lot.

Well, I’ve rambled long enough today.  I just wanted to get this out here.  If anyone is going through something and needs to talk, my DM’s are open, and I do have a Discord.  Send me a message and I can send you a link.  Depression, mental health, and eating disorders are all heavy stuff, but they need talked about.  I’m a firm believer that by keeping this stuff in shadowy back corners, we give it more power.  Bringing it into the light helps people and takes the stigma away.  It helps more people understand it too.  ANY ONE can suffer from an eating disorder.  ANY ONE can struggle with mental health.  You never know.  People wear masks in public to hide their innermost thoughts and feelings, so we don’t know what’s going on inside.  Sometimes reaching out is all someone needs.  Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help, or to reach out if you think someone needs it.

Peace Folks. <3

[queengeekrose]

Reflections and musings after a loss.

'No Man is an Island'

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee --John Donne -- Well, No disrespect to the long dead English man, but I'm not entirely sure I completely agree with that sentiment. Or maybe I should phrase it a batter way. Some people are mountains, far more self-reliant and strong, whom other look too and rely on, seeking solace, help, and support from everyday, without ever seeing what's going on below the surface. The emotional struggles and thoughts that they have are their own, and no one else's, unless they choose to share them with a select few. Mountains, and the people who are like them, can have granite, gems, or other hidden treasures, secret springs, quiet caverns of natural beauty and wildlife, mineral deposits, or even hidden depths of magma hidden in the dark depths of the heart of the mountain. One never knows what lies below the surface, hidden from view. And while Donne may have been correct in his assessment that death does diminish all of us, and that every life is connected and matters, all land masses and mountains are connected too. Some mountains are just more prominent and higher than others.And a high peak doesn't necessarily mean you are more famous, wealth, or more important than anyone else. It just means you have more to give, or you are stronger than some of the others around you. Maybe you have had more to overcome in your life. Maybe you have more room to take on other people's pain in your heart. Whatever the case may be, never forget you are strong, no matter how high to the sky you stretch. Even the smallest hill and the lowest valley is beautiful in it's own right. Every single one of them has value, worth, and a place in the world. And each and every one of them helps to shape the planet. We are all interconnected, Donne had that, absolutely right. And we should all pay closer attention to each other, as he suggested. So if you happen to see your fellow land masses struggling, reach out -- sometimes all it takes is someone to lend a hand, a friendly ear, or a comforting shoulder. Then again, sometimes it takes more, but you'll never know until you try, and everyone, EVERYONE, is worth that effort. Thanks for taking the time to read my musings everyone. I know it's been a while. 2019 has been a hell of a rough year. I have spent more time in the hospital than ever before, has surgery to have a piece of bone removed in my foot, and nearly died almost four times this year before I even reached halfway through the year. Additionally, I had another death in my family this week, which hit me rather hard, after a rapid decline. Death is never easy, but even though the decline was rapid, it still somehow dragged out for my grandfather. It was very hard to watch and took a toll on my whole family. I coping alright, but some of my family is struggling. I am doing my best to be there for them, but as I said, this is a hard situation. Strength comes in all forms and sometimes I wish I had a little less so everyone didn't look to me as the rock to lean on. I usually don't mind, but every once in a while, things get a bit overwhelming and I just wish for some time without others relying on me for anything. Maybe I just need a vacation...

[queengeekrose]

Setbacks and Mental Health

As some of you know, I started streaming on Twitch last summer, in July, as a way to help me manage my mental health and deal with some of my issues that I have because I'm almost completely housebound. Being housebound like I am means I have very little interaction with other people, except online, and what I do have tends to be limited to doctors and other people who are also ill, or to people who are seeing me in a very limited set of circumstances, most of which are not positive, and people tend to judge me rather harshly for, for a variety of reasons. It makes my introverted nature and extreme shyness and social anxiety a lot harder to deal with, especially since I hear a lot of very rude comments whenever I go out, because I have very good hearing, and sadly, I am far too used to hearing this type of thing. I've been hearing abusive comments thrown at me since I was old enough to understand words, from one person or another. Most of them I can just let roll off my back, but some bother me, a lot. I get triggered, in the true meaning of the word, by some of the comments and I start to backslide into mental health issues that are scary and it can take days, week, or even longer to pull myself back out of those pits. I haven't really talked about it with anyone online, honestly, but maybe I should. Maybe I should bare my soul and be honest about what happened to me over time, instead of just hinting at things and letting people draw their own conclusions. It might help me deal with things too. I'm not really sure.

Some of the things I've taked about in my writing, extensively, happened to me. Others I drew from experiences I helped others get through. All of them however do have more than a large helping of truth to them, when I was describing the hardships of abuse, mental torture, rape, violence, kidnapping (someone I knew in college was grabbed by an ex and held against her will for about six days, she was extremely traumatized and had to leave school because of it by the end of the semester and ended up moving in with me for a few weeks before that, because she felt safer around me than anyone else), eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and painful shyness. I have even talked a bit about PTSD in my stories, and ADHD. All of these things I'm pulling from my own experience, to make my writing as real and human as possible, even though I'm trying to write a character other people can relate to as well. What I'm trying to do is flesh out enough realism to give 'you' a backstory without taking over whatever headcannon you are creating for yourself in the story, when I do that, so I borrow very heavily from my own experiences to keep the experience geniune and grounded. I want thing to be so real you can picture them vividly in your head and immerse yourself, not get lost because something seems inauthentic or wrong, so I tend to pour myself into the writing, more and more, as time goes on. And it's somewhat cathartic too, to a degree, to write about some of the issues I've been through. Don't misunderstand me in anyway please. It's still extremely hard to think about to talk about with anyone and still feels like an open and bleeding stab wound most days, but maybe now it feels like the knife has been removed and the bleeding has slowed a bit, to the point it's not so dangerous anymore. I can cope with things a lot better, most of the time. My writing gave me a lot of my mental piece of mind back.

And then I found streaming and the online communities on Discord and Twitch. This really turned around a lot more then. I had suffered a major mental setback when my father died, even though we were estranged, for a variety of reasons, and mental health had reached an all time low. I went to a doctor and started some new medicines, which helped, slowly, and after about four months on them, I was able to function somewhat normally again a bit. That's when I found Twitch and really threw myself into streaming, modding, and Discord, communicating with people that way. It helped me pull myself back out a lot faster and basically reset my mental health meter to normal much more quickly and stay balanced, with fewer slips. I still had a few day to day struggles with things, like remembering to eat, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing much of, or really at all, when my mood swung started to slip. It had been nearly a year, really, since I had eaten normally, if I'm being honest. That means, as of writing this, in February of 2019, it's been over two years of me having little to no appetite, often skipping meals or forcing myself to eat just one meal a day. I had a lot of medical treatments in there too that made me nauseated and I threw up anything I did eat. Sadly, I never lost a large amount of weight and I am still rather overweight. I did lose some, not that I was really trying to at any point, I just haven't had the appetite or desire to eat anything and facing for often seems like too much for me.

Twitch helped me find people with similar interests and helped me find new areas I was able to absolutely shine in. It didn't matter that my legs didn't work normally, I had a natural talent for keeping communities in line as a moderator on streams for other people. So what if I was a bit overweight? I could make badges and emotes that people liked. Who cared if I struggled with shyness in person? The internet was a great buffer and it meant I never actually saw who I was talking to directly in my streams. I was just talking to names. And yes, sadly I did get trolls. But not that many really, compared to a lot of women I've talked to. I figured it was just soemthing I'd have to live with. Mostly I got them early in my streaming career and they came in and heckled me about my weight, I kicked them out and it was over, I moved on, no harm no foul. I mostly even forgot about them pretty immediately. They didn't leave any lasting impact on me because as I said, I've been hearing that kind of comment, or ones like it all my life.

The trolling I got last week on Wednesday night was different though. For the first time ever it was very sexual in nature. It made me extremely uncomfortable. There were three trolls involved as well. The first was fairly harmless, just egging the second on, who I warned several times, then timed out and eventually banned. The third crossed several lines and has caused me so much emotional and mental distress I have been struggling with severe relapses of my major depressive disorder, PTSD, and even dissociating, which my family doesn't know about. I don't know how to tell them about it. They think it's just me spacing out or my mind wandering, not that I'm literally unable to answer and I lose chunks of time, even if I've answered. I didn't even realize I had been dissociating again until a friend told me he had said things to me and I couldn't recall any of those conversations, nor most of the evening really. I realized I had large gaps in my memory of what had been going on with small breaks in the fog that were clear, what usually happend when I'm having my episodes, and I knew I had to do something. I had to take a step back. I don't dissociate unless something is seriously wrong, obviously.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering just what happpened that triggered me so badly that night. I'll explain. First, those two trolls shook me up pretty badly. Like I said, I'm extremely introverted and streaming is already a struggle for me a lot of the time, even if I put on a good front and can act like it's no big deal. Inside, I'm terrified. It wears be down and wears me out. Dealing with trolls in my own stream is hard on me. (On other people's channels, I have no problems, when I'm the mod. I know it's my job and they trust me to handle things.) Secondly, there was a later troll who came into the stream who sent me a direct message, without ever addressing the stream, asking me personal questions like what I was wearing, then trying to buy my panties for insanely large amounts of money. That triggered my PTSD very badly. In college, I had had a guy attempt to sexually assulat me and call me a whore, offering me increasing large amounts of money, much the same way. I only got away because I kicked him off me and screamed for campus security, who heard me and hauled him off. I never told my family about it, mainy because I hate talking about it and don't want to bring it up. I will say though, I don't think he was getting up quickly from my kick at the time. It was before I was in a wheelchair and I had a very powerful set of legs and actively practiced kickboxing. But regardless of that, it triggered me very, very badly the other night, and I'm still suffering occassion episodes. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled very soon, and I intend on talking to her about what to do then, if things haven't gotten back to normal by then, but in the mean time, I'm immersing myself in my usually stress relieving activities and taking a short break from Twitch and twitter to get my mental health back in order.

Sadly one of the side effects of all the mental health issues I struggle with is terrible insomnia. It means many nights I'm unable to sleep, or sleep only a few hours. I know it makes my friends and family worry, but I can't help it. It's all my brain is letting me get. I nap when I can. If I try to sleep more, I have horrible, terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I also just can't sleep. I'm really trying to do my best here everyone. Please know that. I appreciate the worry. Just know I'm still here, struggling on, one day at a time. That's the real meaning behind #PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) after all. Just doing my best, moving forward a day at time and not giving up. It's also why I try to pay it forward as much as I can and make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of too. Stay safe and happy everyone. I love you all!

QueenGeekRose

[queengeekrose]

2018 in one word --> Trying

This morning I was scrolling through Twitter, doing my usual morning social media responses before I log on to Twitch and start working on my channel or start my daily mod grind, and a post caught my eye.  @therealjacksepticeye post a tweet asking everyone to sum up 2018 in one word.  Now, for me, being of a somewhat literary bent and having a large working vocabulary, dozens of words immediately flew through my mind, but I stopped and really thought before I answered the tweet.  What was the best way to sum up 2018?

You see for me, 2018 was a big year.  It represented a lot of things.  It was the year my major depressive disorder nearly took over my life and swamped me for the first six or seven months of the year.  It was the year I lost eighty pounds because I struggled to eat any food and what I did eat I frequently threw right back up from medicine interactions and nausea.  It was the year I was septic and had pneumonia and nearly died in the hospital before the year even got under way very far.  It was the year I struggled to get through.

But it was also the year I started streaming on Twitch.  The year I found some truly amazing people online who I’m happy to call friends.  The year I started modding and branched out, doing things I love and am far better at than I ever knew I would be.  The year I grew as a person more than I knew I could.  The year I let a lot of the past go and learned a lot about myself and how strong I really could be.  The year I FINALLY got back a little of the self confidence that had been robbed from me by some of the abuse and bullying I had been though as a teenage and child.  I still have a long way to go, but I have taken some definite steps in the right direction in 2018.  Don’t get me wrong, there were missteps along the way too, but that’s to be expected.  Everyone stumbles as they learn to walk on their own.  No one is perfect.  I know to reach out for support if I need it.  And my friends and online community is amazing. 

But to me, all this brings me back to why I think 2018 CAN actually be summed up in one word.  2018 was all about trying.  I was trying new things.  I was reaching new goals.  2018 was also trying me.  So yes, there are multiple meanings to the word.  And they all work.  It makes the word all the more appropriate to describe the difficult year that was 2018.  Overall, 2018 was probably more bad than good for me, especially towards the beginning. 

I may not have talked about how bad it truly was to anyone, even the doctors.  Just know that I’m not in the same place I was then.  I’m not in the darkest depths of depression, even at my lowest, now.  I was, for a while at least, passively suicidal, truly not caring if I lived or died.  I wasn’t actively seeking out death, but I wasn’t really doing anything to try to keep myself all that healthy and safe either.  But as I said, I’m no longer in that place.  Things have gotten better and I have sought out medical treatment for my depression, which has helped.  I still have bad days, but they aren’t that bad any more, thankfully. 

Now on to 2019.  Here’s a question I pose to all of you out there, reading this.  What is the one word you have to sum up your 2019 plans, dreams, and expectations?  I know what mine is.  HOPE.   I hope for a better year.  I hope to make a bigger impact on my streaming audience and raise more charity money this year.  I hope my doctors can find out what my medical conditions actually are and help me find a treatment plan that works.  I hope for a more peaceful and safe world for everyone.  I hope for saner, smarter heads to prevail in the world governments.  And I hope all of you have a very Happy New Year.   Wishing you Peace, Love, and Kindness...

QueenGeekRose

[queengeekrose]

This is why I don’t tell 99% people im bisexual

[queengeekrose]

Oh Anti, me too, some days...

That’s why I’m a rogue.

Wilford: Oh, come on! There’s got to some sort of feeling you experience… love? sorrow? happiness?

Anti: stab?

Wilford: That’s not an emotion.

Anti: well maYBE I FEEL STABBY

[queengeekrose]

Coping, but maybe not too well.

It’s been a year since my father died.  We had a rough relationship, while he was alive.  He was abusive and I had mostly been forced to cut him out of my life, but it’s still hard to think about the fact that he’s gone.  It’s a little weird really.  Most of the time I don’t think about it at all, or it doesn’t effect my day to day life much, then out of no where, I’ll get hit with a wave of guilt or sadness suddenly. 

I think It’s worse for me lately because I’ve been depressed over a lot of other things as well, mostly related to the health issues I’m facing, which none of the doctors seem to be getting any closer to figuring out and seem to be giving up on trying lately, just shrugging and saying, “Well, it doesn’t seem to be getting any worse right now, so we’ll just keep an eye on things and let them stay where they are.  Does that sound okay to you?"  I’m beyond frustrated into a really dark place with all this.  I can’t even say how bad it is because no one around me seems to get it.  Everyone just either shuts me down, because they don’t want to talk about anything medical related, or they truly don’t understand and just stare at me blankly.  The doctors don’t seem to care that my pain is barely tolerable on a daily basis and I can’t do very much for myself anymore.  They’ve given up on me.  I’m afraid my family will too.  I feel like I’m shouting into the void, struggling to be heard and no one cares anymore.  It’s a struggle to stay positive.  I’m trying, but it’s so, so hard…

[queengeekrose]

Having a rough day to day, so I need the reminder.  Sorry for spamming your feeds, anyone who follows me.  :)

Because it needs to be said from time to time.

I’m posting this today because I need to hear it.  And I know a lot of other people do as well, so feel free to reblog it.

You are not alone.  No matter what other people have told you in the past, you matter.  You have value because you exist.  You are not pointless, worthless, valueless, a waste, or less than any other being.  Even if you don’t believe in yourself, someone, somewhere out there in this big universe does and needs you. 

It’s okay to cry.  You have feelings.  You are allowed.  You can be weak.  No one has the right to judge you because they don’t know exactly what lead you to where you are now or what you are feeling.  Don’t listen to the endless negative energies around you, focus on the good, the positive, whenever and wherever you can.  Just because things look dark now, it doesn’t mean they will forever.  And without darkness, we can never truly appreciate the beauty of the light. 

Being sad, depressed, scared, or down isn’t bad.  And you don’t have to struggle through things alone.  Reach out for help if you need it.  But most importantly, take care of yourself.  You are important.  Even if you feel weak, helpless, worthless, and are full of doubt.  People still care about you.  Don’t forget that.  Don’t let the negatives win.  I know it’s a struggle and some days it doesn’t seem worth it to get out of bed.  But it is.  Someone cares for you.  Please don’t forget that.

[queengeekrose]

#NET NUETRALITY

It isn't over!   I started a petition on change.org, to go to the president, and both houses of congress.  Please, everyone take a minute and go sign it.  We need to fight this, as hard as we can.  Get the FCC fired and a change of administration completely in there. 

[queengeekrose]

Because it needs to be said from time to time.

I’m posting this today because I need to hear it.  And I know a lot of other people do as well, so feel free to reblog it.

You are not alone.  No matter what other people have told you in the past, you matter.  You have value because you exist.  You are not pointless, worthless, valueless, a waste, or less than any other being.  Even if you don’t believe in yourself, someone, somewhere out there in this big universe does and needs you. 

It’s okay to cry.  You have feelings.  You are allowed.  You can be weak.  No one has the right to judge you because they don’t know exactly what lead you to where you are now or what you are feeling.  Don’t listen to the endless negative energies around you, focus on the good, the positive, whenever and wherever you can.  Just because things look dark now, it doesn’t mean they will forever.  And without darkness, we can never truly appreciate the beauty of the light. 

Being sad, depressed, scared, or down isn’t bad.  And you don’t have to struggle through things alone.  Reach out for help if you need it.  But most importantly, take care of yourself.  You are important.  Even if you feel weak, helpless, worthless, and are full of doubt.  People still care about you.  Don’t forget that.  Don’t let the negatives win.  I know it’s a struggle and some days it doesn’t seem worth it to get out of bed.  But it is.  Someone cares for you.  Please don’t forget that.

[queengeekrose]

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for all of the hard work you put into your stories. It's pretty clear to see how long it must take you to write each chapter, especially when they're so long. Recently, I've taken to re-reading them late at night to help me sleep (since my anxiety's a bitch and ever since I've joined my school's GSA, I'm terrified my mom will find out) and they've helped so, SO, much. Thank you, for all that you do, you're really, really awesome!

Thank you for the sweet message, friend!  I go back and reread my favorite fan fictions (and my own for editing purposes) when I have insomnia too.  And yes, the chapters are taking longer now, but I hope the quality is better, besides just being longer.  When I first started writing, in the last week of May 2016, I was writing chapters that were around fifteen hundred words.  Now, just a year and a few months later, most of my new chapters are coming in between twenty five thousand and forty thousand words.  It’s why I can’t post a chapter a day anymore, at least partly, but I am happier with what I’m writing now.  I feel like my writing has become a lot smoother as time has progressed and I am far more comfortable writing now. 

Oh, and as an added bonus, this was the first message I woke up to on my birthday.  So an extra thanks for that too!  And if you ever have any suggestions or requests of what you want to see, I’m more than happy to try and include things in my writing.  Just drop me a note, either here, on the story in question, or somewhere else online (like an email or my Twitter).  Have a great day!

[queengeekrose]

please reblog this if your blog is safe for asexuals

(an ace safe space)

[queengeekrose]

On the Other Side of the Camera is my current #1 fanfiction and I just read it Saturday but I think I might reread it already

I’m so glad you like it.  I am working on another chapter of the second ‘book’ in the series (after the short in-between filler) as well as a bunch of other stuff.  And the chapters in Behind the Scenes (the second ‘book’) are usually longer. 

[queengeekrose]

_____________________________________________________________

Okay, so it’s been a little while now since I posted this.  I have to say, I think it’s still really important, so I’m re-blogging it with a small update.  Since I wrote this, I have had a lot happening in my life, from serious health setbacks to the death of my father in March, but despite all that, I have been learning a new language.  I’m studying Irish/Gaelic.  I don’t know much yet, but I’m steadily improving a little at a time, everyday.  It’s been about two and a half months now and I’ve only missed three days, one of which was because I was away, at a farm, for a family wedding.  And I haven’t given up my writing, if anything I’m more driven than I have been in the past, adding elements of LGBTQA+ wherever possible, among other minorities and underrepresented groups.  And please, if anyone EVER needs a friendly ear to listen, or shoulder to cry on, I’m always here.  Sometimes I feel that need too.  We all need people who won’t judge and can just listen to make us feel better.  So, if you feel like talking, I’m here.  Just reach out.  I might not instantly respond, but I will try my very best to get back to you as soon as I can.  Or if you have a story idea in your head that you want to see fleshed out into something more, I definitely take requests.  Sometimes that story seed ot plot bunny is all I need to start something amazing.  That’s really all I had to say today, but I felt like it needed said. 

(By the way, Jack’s video -- The truth comes out -- A Normal Lost Phone part 2 -- for all those people, like me, who managed to see it before he took it down to fix some things, was very good.  It was thoughtful, thought provoking, and Handled sensitive topics with great care.  Well done Jack.  I do have one little thing to say about it though.  Jack talked about people in situations where they didn’t feel safe in their own homes, talking about people who received death threats from strangers.  I have never had a death threat made toward me, but that is not the only reason for being afraid for your life in your own home, no matter where you fall on the sexual spectrum.  Abuse of any type can have the same effect.  I speak from personal experience.  And when it’s a family member abusing you, it can be very hard to get away or handle.  I had it happen for years and years, and I just felt worthless, afraid, and scared all the time.  And when Jack said it gets better, I started crying.  It does, but the damage and the scars remain.  There are other issues I have to deal with as well, other reasons I am a minority, an outsider, someone who is constantly on the outside looking in and often wishing it was any other way.  I’m not going to go into those here.  My hope is that someday most, or even better, all these other factors eventually become non issues, like Jack was expressing.  But enough.  I just wanted to say I thought Jack handled the subjects in the video very well and thank him, even though I doubt he will ever see this.)

Never stop learning!

This blog is 1000% judgement-free.  It is a welcoming and safe space for everyone who stops by.   :)  

So, as some of you out there know, I’m very interested in ensuring equality for everyone.  Also, as many of you know might know, I’m a writer.  I write fanfictions, poetry, and on occasion, computer or technical papers, either explaining an advanced concept to beginners or exploring the depths and history of an underexplored area of my interest.  That being said, I am a research junkie.  I spend hours trying to learn as much as I can about anything I’m even thinking about mentioning in my writing. 

As some of you might know, I write fan fictions that have characters all over the sexual spectrum.  I have two long stories heavily featuring a polyamorous relationship between three people.  I include people who are from all walks of life.  I want to make sure everyone feels connected and included.  No one should feel alone, disconnected, or looked over when they are reading, especially for pleasure.  I try to make sure I know a little about what I am talking about as well, which is why I mentioned my love of research.  Today, while checking into transgender rights, I came across some information I had never seen before, discussing Gray/Grey Asexuality (or grey-A/gray-A).  It was not a term I was familiar with, so I decided to look a little further into it.  What I found surprised me.  It lead me down a few other terms I had heard but didn’t really know much about.  Demisexual. Demiromantic. Gray-sexual.  They are all related, but not quite the same.  And they are all terms I had no idea applied directly to me until a few hours ago.  I have always considered myself an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community, participating in college clubs to promote understanding, protesting unfair treatments of others, and generally just trying to encourage and promote honest and open discussion and understanding among everyone.  Learning I fell into a different part of the sexual spectrum didn’t rock my world, it just opened my eyes.  I felt the need to share this part of myself, even somewhat anonymously on the internet, with the people who have happened to stumble into my writing or onto this page for whatever reason.  

This new-found knowledge doesn’t really change anything, other than giving me a better understanding of myself and being able to better clarify my identity for other people.  I’m still who I was this morning when I woke up, I just know more than I did then.  Which is really why I’m posting this today.  Everyone, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, political view, race, or religion needs to remember to NEVER stop learning.   Knowledge truly is power.  By learning we gain insights into everything around us, including ourselves and that in turn lets us better handle the world around us without fear or hatred.  So, be kind to one and another and be smart.  Educate yourself.  No one can take knowledge away from you one you have it.    So today I challenge all of you to go forth and learn something new.  It doesn’t have to be earth-shatteringly important.  It can be something tiny.  A useless (or useful depending on what it is) trivia factoid.  Or tackle that education challenge you’ve been putting off.  Study up on a new subject.  Learn a new hobby.  Learn a language.  Whatever.  Just expand your mind.  After all, knowledge builds on itself.  Ignorance is not the same as stupidity and can be overcome.   So go educate yourself and become less ignorant. 

Have an amazing day!

[queengeekrose]

Welcome friend! 

Stepping out

So I am stepping out of my comfort zone once again and hopefully make a few new friends. I have tried making friends before but I want to try again. If you want to talk feel free to message me. :)

[queengeekrose]

Never stop learning!

This blog is 1000% judgement-free.  It is a welcoming and safe space for everyone who stops by.   :)  

So, as some of you out there know, I’m very interested in ensuring equality for everyone.  Also, as many of you know might know, I’m a writer.  I write fanfictions, poetry, and on occasion, computer or technical papers, either explaining an advanced concept to beginners or exploring the depths and history of an underexplored area of my interest.  That being said, I am a research junkie.  I spend hours trying to learn as much as I can about anything I’m even thinking about mentioning in my writing. 

As some of you might know, I write fan fictions that have characters all over the sexual spectrum.  I have two long stories heavily featuring a polyamorous relationship between three people.  I include people who are from all walks of life.  I want to make sure everyone feels connected and included.  No one should feel alone, disconnected, or looked over when they are reading, especially for pleasure.  I try to make sure I know a little about what I am talking about as well, which is why I mentioned my love of research.  Today, while checking into transgender rights, I came across some information I had never seen before, discussing Gray/Grey Asexuality (or grey-A/gray-A).  It was not a term I was familiar with, so I decided to look a little further into it.  What I found surprised me.  It lead me down a few other terms I had heard but didn’t really know much about.  Demisexual. Demiromantic. Gray-sexual.  They are all related, but not quite the same.  And they are all terms I had no idea applied directly to me until a few hours ago.  I have always considered myself an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community, participating in college clubs to promote understanding, protesting unfair treatments of others, and generally just trying to encourage and promote honest and open discussion and understanding among everyone.  Learning I fell into a different part of the sexual spectrum didn’t rock my world, it just opened my eyes.  I felt the need to share this part of myself, even somewhat anonymously on the internet, with the people who have happened to stumble into my writing or onto this page for whatever reason.  

This new-found knowledge doesn’t really change anything, other than giving me a better understanding of myself and being able to better clarify my identity for other people.  I’m still who I was this morning when I woke up, I just know more than I did then.  Which is really why I’m posting this today.  Everyone, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, political view, race, or religion needs to remember to NEVER stop learning.   Knowledge truly is power.  By learning we gain insights into everything around us, including ourselves and that in turn lets us better handle the world around us without fear or hatred.  So, be kind to one and another and be smart.  Educate yourself.  No one can take knowledge away from you one you have it.    So today I challenge all of you to go forth and learn something new.  It doesn’t have to be earth-shatteringly important.  It can be something tiny.  A useless (or useful depending on what it is) trivia factoid.  Or tackle that education challenge you’ve been putting off.  Study up on a new subject.  Learn a new hobby.  Learn a language.  Whatever.  Just expand your mind.  After all, knowledge builds on itself.  Ignorance is not the same as stupidity and can be overcome.   So go educate yourself and become less ignorant. 

Have an amazing day!

[queengeekrose]