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[queenofthebench]

Me discovering how awesome the original Doom series is

i’m the opposite of ‘i liked it before it became popular’ i only discover new things to like once they’re not popular anymore

[queenofthebench]

10/09/2020

My body hasn’t been feeling very good lately.

I just haven’t felt like myself. My knees have been in pain since May, and I’ve also been experiencing trouble with my period, namely that it will not go away. I know some of you might think this is over-sharing and if so, feel free to skip the rest of this entry. I personally just believe that people’s bodies are not shameful, and that we should be able to freely talk about them without feeling as if they are (*climbs down from soap box*). 

I just feel broken down. After a doctor’s appointment today about my knee pain, it turns out I have some minor degeneration in my knee, like minor arthritis, they said. I have to go to PT now to try to work through it. I’m thankful that I can work with someone trained who will help me, but I feel old and sad that my body isn’t working the way it should. Also, I know my boss will be understanding, but I’ve never been good at taking time for myself, especially for health stuff. I always feel like I’m “making a big deal” or “overreacting” because I’m not like...unable to do anything. I’m always thinking it should be worse before I take time off for it.

As for the period stuff, I think I’ve always been sensitive to hormonal birth control, and I just am trying to figure out if it’s worth continuing. I’ve always wondered if I would feel better without it, but it’s nerve wracking to come off after being on for so long. Then again, the current situation isn’t amazing. Lately, I spot almost all the time. Sometimes I will get two mini periods in a month. It just makes me feel so...blah, and a lot of times I am crampy. I just never know when it’s going to break through, and I find that I feel self conscious and not very “myself” in terms of my sexuality and happiness. If it does end up being the culprit, I will probably switch to a copper IUD to not be on hormones, but I didn’t want to just do that without running a test first (ever the scientist). The copper IUD has it’s own set of cons that I’m not too keen on jumping into without needing to.

But again, it’s been difficult to know when exactly to escalate the issue to my doctor. I keep...waiting for something to happen, but not knowing what exactly. I keep worrying secretly that the doctor thinks I’m making this up in my head, or that I’m attention seeking somehow. I don’t know why I think this way, but it generally happens when I try to navigate something about my health that’s not super “obvious”, or is kind of a gray area and the doctor doesn’t have a clear path. It feels like I’m being  "naggy” or being a hypochondriac, even though my rational mind knows it’s ok to make as many appointments as I feel necessary.

I know this isn’t rational thinking, but the emotions are hard to overcome! I have two appointments next week (one for bc removal, the other for PT) and I feel like I’m being a drama queen and missing work for no truly urgent reason. I have to keep telling myself that my body matters, and that it’s good to do preventative maintenance instead of waiting until I feel “sick enough.” It’s hard to really feel those words in my heart sometimes, though. I know if it were a friend who were going through this, I would be telling them these things to reassure them, so I’m trying to treat myself like a friend 😌.

Anywho, I also have an appointment (yes, I’m appointment-girl) with a therapist so I assume we’ll talk about these feelings in a few weeks when I meet her. I made the appointment in JUNE, PEOPLE. JUNE. And the soonest they could get me in was end of October. I’m fortunate enough that I haven’t had any sudden downward spirals for my mental health, but its difficult to know that so many people are probably needing help, even more-so than I do, and not being able to get it in time. 

But in other news, life is alright. Lab is trucking along, and aside from the dumpster fire that is this world around me, I think I’m doing ok.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking with me and listening to my thoughts. It’s helpful for me to write things down. It’s how I process my inner dialogue with myself. I hope you’re all doing as well as you can during these times, and, as always, my inbox is open if you ever want to chat <3 

-Q

[queenofthebench]

Anyone else wait to meet with their doctor until they have saved up a whole year’s worth of problems and then feel like a hot mess who’s life is falling apart? 

[queenofthebench]

Every morning when I’m in the shower, my husband sits in there with me and puts a towel over his legs so that when I get out, I have a warm towel to dry off with.

Just thought someone else should know how pure this man is.

[queenofthebench]

The Rings of Saturn Observed by the Voyager 2 Space Probe as it Zoomed Past the Planet in 1981. 

[queenofthebench]

This made me smile so much.

Shop talk

It’s always interesting to pick up specialized, esoteric terminology from experienced scientists and engineers.  The language you hear on the job is very different than what you learned in lecture halls!

For example, in school, you might learn how to calculate that 4.6 GHz radio waves have a wavelength of 6.51 centimeters.  On the job, the RF engineer will tell you that once you get to wavelengths much below 10 cm, radio tends to “wiggle through” unexpected gaps and “leak everywhere,” where it becomes a “huge pain in the ass.”

In school, you might learn that many metals will reflect neutron radiation.  On the job, the plasma physicist will tell you that neutrons tend to “rattle around” inside steel coaxial cables and use them as channels to fly out into the building, where they will “ruin your day” and “piss off the nuclear safety people” if you don’t shield them right.

In school, you might learn that tungsten is an extremely dense material that makes for very good thermal shielding in extreme environments, but it can be challenging to machine.  On the job, the mechanical engineer will tell you that working with tungsten is “the fucking worst” and if they have to build “an entire god damn wall of shielding tiles” out of it, they will “seriously pitch a fit.”

The fascinating and unique vocabulary of scientists is always such a pleasure to learn!

[queenofthebench]

09/25/2020

Wow! Hello to my new followers and thank you to my old followers who have stuck by me :) I’ve been terrible at posting lately, but I haven’t forgotten about you all! 

I’m back at work pretty much full time now. Switching back in to being in the lab after quarantining at home was rough though (still is a little bit). On the one hand, I was so happy to get back to the bench and away from my computer! I realized I do NOT like writing so far and data analysis just feels really tedious (although necessary). On the other hand, I really liked the pace of working from home and my stress levels were the lowest they’ve ever been. There was a brief period of time where I was working at home part time and then in the lab part time. That was the best. I felt so productive and like I finally have a nice blend of experimentation but then time to sit and think about my data.

That didn’t last very long though, and now my PI wants us back full swing essentially, and I am to the other extreme. Barely any time to sit and think about my results, and more time setting up and conducting experiments. I really dislike it. But I know I’m behind from the shutdown and we’re trying to push a paper out ASAP, so I’m trying to just push on and get the data collected. The other reason it sucks I think is because we’re still trying to minimize interaction as much as possible, so you get all of the grind and none of the human interaction that makes the long hours worth it! It has left me feeling drained.

Aside from feeling like the world is suddenly moving at 5 billion miles an hour, life has been good. Doggo and husband are fine and I just got selected to give my first conference talk this winter! 

I’ve also been starting some career development stuff and trying to have informal interviews via video-chat. That’s been super interesting. It’s been nice to hear different people’s perspectives on life outside of academia, and also get more insight into if I need a postdoc or not. I really don’t want to do one unless it’s short and/or in industry, but I also don’t want to screw myself over. The more people I talk to, the more I get a sense of the picture, and also is a nice way to network when you don’t need anything other than advice. Hoping to continue doing this and then when I really am searching for a job, I’ll have some people in my corner! 

I’m still a bit away from graduating, but it’s never too early to start thinking about these things. It makes me feel a little bit better to have control over it rather than just going to career panels and feeling like oh my god I’m not qualified to do anything!!

I hope you all are doing well! What’s new?

-Q

[queenofthebench]

Yes but recently I figure out a small hack to get myself back into pleasure reading. I’ve started reading really simple, sometimes stupid, “fun books” and it’s getting me back in the habit of reading for fun. I think the thing holding me back was that I use my brain all day for work and read a lot of dry texts (I’m a scientist), and then I’d come home and the last thing I wanted to do was pick up more heavy reading, because I thought that as an adult, those are the kind of books I should be reading now. I just wanted to relax and do something less mind-involved! So naturally I turned away from books and towards TV. I was too exhausted to think more before passing out to sleep, and soon it was years since I had last read a book for fun. I had tried a few times to restart things, but I never found something that clicked, and I generally lost interest part way through or forgot what was going on (sometimes both).

Enter: “fun books”

My “fun books” are anything that are easy for me to pick up and put down, don’t require me reading in hidden meanings/themes or taking notes about characters or plots to remember what the hell is happening. My “fun books” are generally young adult books, romance novels, dystopian futures, or  sci-fi/fantasy adventures (because that’s just the kind of nerd I am)...anything that I can fall into and become immersed without much effort, because, can’t something in this world be easy? 

I started with “Twilight”, which I had never read before and knew was not a literary masterpiece, but still was so intrigued to read. It worked guys. I read the whole weekend and finished the book in 3 days. Is that an accomplishment for a piece of fluff? No, not really. But it got me back into reading and was the first time in a long time I spaced out while reading and had the hours fly by. I’ve only read a few books since then so far, but more often now, I find myself wanting to pick up a book at the end of the day before I go to sleep. It’s nice! 

I’m at the point in my life now where I don’t really care about stigma or feel the need to be super productive/smart/deep all the time, and I think having that realization is what has gotten me back on the pleasure-reading bandwagon. Sometimes your brain needs a break! You just need to figure out what “fun books” are to you and go find some :)

P.s. Suggestions on books/series welcome! 

-Q

do you still say reading is one of your favorite activities/hobbies even though you haven’t actually read in months but you used to read like a book a day when you were younger so much so that it became a personality trait and now you for some reason cannot for the life of you make yourself read but you’re still emotionally attached to that part of you and hope by speaking it into existence you’ll someday rediscover that happy version of yourself or are you normal?

[queenofthebench]

I feel this in my bones so much.

It’s evolving backwards

[queenofthebench]

There’s no secret or magic solution to your mental health. Some days will be rough even when you’re doing your best and practicing all the coping techniques you can. Don’t despair, it happens! Things will get better again soon. ♡

Chibird store | Positive Pin Club | Webtoon

[queenofthebench]

I am lyrics first most of the time! Love the music composition and have many melodies that move me (my family jokes about my ‘crying songs’), but generally I love songs because of the messages they contain.

My husband is all music no lyrics. Still loves to sing along but with completely made up words. 

Sometimes we will be listening to a song and we’ll both say “I love this song!” and then realize we love it for completely different reasons. 

i've never heard the words to any of my favorite songs who the fuck even does that. i just vibe with the sounds coming out of the people and instruments and then look them up on azlyrics so i can figure out what the hell is actually going on like god intended.

[queenofthebench]

Alsooooo New Bliss. Similar themes and really amazing art/animations! 

If you like ambient white noise (rain/creaking houses/fire places, nature) and beautiful, moody artwork, check out The Guild of Ambience on Youtube. 

Currently listening to: Fireplace sounds with howling wind 

[queenofthebench]

If you like ambient white noise (rain/creaking houses/fire places, nature) and beautiful, moody artwork, check out The Guild of Ambience on Youtube. 

Currently listening to: Fireplace sounds with howling wind 

[queenofthebench]

Birds are so awesome

Long time no see!

Goldfinches are usually mostly absent for me in the summer. They are the latest nesters, I have heard, and they seem to spend some fun time out in the wild before they start building families. Right now, I see one or the other return, here a male in his glorious summer “clothes”. I have some shelled sunflower seeds out that they seem to like a lot.

[queenofthebench]

I’m in love with the light/dark contrasts! Saving all these office posts floating around for inspo

 *swoon*

Do not worry about your contradictions - Persephone is both floral maiden and queen of death. You, too, can be both.

These are the 2 sides of my office at home! I like both the “light” aesthetic as well as the “dark” aesthetic so in the wise words of the quote above and Tulio and Miguel: “both. both is good.”

Bonus: my dog always chills under whichever desk I’m not using atm

[queenofthebench]

Ok actually I’m shameless so here is my current desk situation:

So I work primarily on the iMac now that I’m in pandemic mode, but the PC monitor can be connected to the actual PC or to my laptop if I want to use it that way. I never said it was beautiful, people! 

And just one more plug for the keyboard because it’s so cool. So the three white buttons are for three different machines you can control. If I hit the #1, it controls my Windows PC, #2 is for my laptop, and #3 is for my work computer! So I can switch between them without ever moving a dongle/USB stick. **MAGIC**

What’s your work space situation like at home?

I will be moving at the end of this month and have the opportunity to revamp my work space at home! In addition, my data generating and collecting days are slowly coming to an end for my current project, so I’m expecting a lot of evenings where I will be doing data analysis and writing at home. I do have a second monitor at work for when I’m doing data analysis and making presentations in lab, but I wonder if it’s worth it to get a monitor for when I do data analysis and writing from home. It’s not necessary, but it is a bit nicer and more convenient. 

Currently, I have a small Micke desk from IKEA, and I’m fairly happy with it. I’m considering getting a monitor at home, possibly a monitor stand (the laptop can go underneath), a wireless keyboard, and a wireless mouse. Or maybe just a monitor to be used as a second screen? I’m interested in seeing my fellow gradblrs’ work spaces at home for more inspiration on how to set mine up more efficiently.

Tagging @cancerbiophd​ @thewayforward​ @queenofthebench​ @howtophd​ (and all the gradblrs that I missed…I’ve been away from Tumblr for quite a while, so I’ve kind of forgotten a lot of your usernames 😭)

[queenofthebench]

This is so cute I’m gonna cry :’) 

My desk looks hideous next to this, but I’ll just describe a few setups that I have!

My computers:

Mac laptop (personal, for work and home)

Windows desktop + 2 PC monitors (at home for gaming/whatever else!)

iMac (Work computer)

I have a macbook laptop that I bring back and forth to the lab and do a fair bit of things on, but I always like to have at least 1 bigger monitor for data analysis. Mainly because for my work, I have a bunch of image processing to do and it’s SO much easier to open up all of my movies side by side to give them some thought before diving into the quantifcation. Sometimes you miss things you can see easily by eye! The other reason I love a second monitor is that you can have spreadsheets or code in one window and then writing/powerpoint/whatever else on the other. Less flipping back and forth. Makes figure making a lot nicer as well :) 

Since it’s pandemic times, I was able to bring my work computer home, which is an old iMac I scavenged with 1 fairly large screen. I am doing well with it because it’s pretty giant and I don’t really need a second monitor, but before this I used to just plug my laptop into one of the PC monitors at home and it was great! I still do use the laptop/PC monitor combo if I’m presenting virtually (then you can see your presenter notes!), or if I need the power of my laptop (it’s a lot newer than the imac).

Do you think if you’ll be working from home primarily on writing, that you could bring the work monitor with you for a bit? Could save some $ instead of buying another one! 

My keyboard is a logitech K375s which is wireless and can switch via bluetooth between 3 devices. This is super cool if you have a separate laptop and desktop (like me) but want just 1 keyboard to rule them all! >:D

My mouse is a logitech M510 I believe? Also wireless and can be paired with the same little USB receiver as the keyboard, meaning 1 less USB port taken up on my computer (win)!

To sum up, I think having a bit more monitor space is never a bad move if you can afford it and if it helps you be more productive :) 

What’s your work space situation like at home?

I will be moving at the end of this month and have the opportunity to revamp my work space at home! In addition, my data generating and collecting days are slowly coming to an end for my current project, so I’m expecting a lot of evenings where I will be doing data analysis and writing at home. I do have a second monitor at work for when I’m doing data analysis and making presentations in lab, but I wonder if it’s worth it to get a monitor for when I do data analysis and writing from home. It’s not necessary, but it is a bit nicer and more convenient. 

Currently, I have a small Micke desk from IKEA, and I’m fairly happy with it. I’m considering getting a monitor at home, possibly a monitor stand (the laptop can go underneath), a wireless keyboard, and a wireless mouse. Or maybe just a monitor to be used as a second screen? I’m interested in seeing my fellow gradblrs’ work spaces at home for more inspiration on how to set mine up more efficiently.

Tagging @cancerbiophd​ @thewayforward​ @queenofthebench​ @howtophd​ (and all the gradblrs that I missed…I’ve been away from Tumblr for quite a while, so I’ve kind of forgotten a lot of your usernames 😭)