quietplaceforloudthoughts

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Quietly watching,

sitting,

as the birds fly,

as the days go by.

Staring,

fixated at the night sky;

My mind wanders.

From painful memories, happy moments, regretful decisions. Survivor's Guilt overtaking my heart.

Surely, I must have done something awful.

Tomorrow will be the same as today. And today's unfulfilled desires will become the regrets of yesterday. Nonetheless, I keep on walking down the path of which I carved for myself.

I don't know what awaits me at the destination, but its beckoning is something I cannot ignore.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #11?

A blue-tinted forest clearing. An one-way road cuts through the otherwise purely natural setting. Minuscule beams of light pierce through the trees' leaves, illuminating the bits and pieces of grass and dirt underneath—a spotlight over an empty stage. Where am I? Why am I here? How did I get here? —my mind is blank. A single memory springs forth in my empty mind. I got out of a bus. No one else but me and the driver were inside. I was near the driver's seat chatting with him with a carefree smile on my face. We seemed to be enjoying ourselves. ...where is he? The driver is gone. The bus is gone. I do not recall getting out of the bus but that's the only possibility, so it must be true. I stand alone in the middle of the road, surrounded by nothing but the rustling sound of the leaves. —that's a lie. I can hear them—cicadas—their nonstop sound is the only thing preventing the crushing atmosphere of this empty clearing to overwhelm me.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp. —that's a lie. Although they do not make a sound, the remaining of the fauna is very much there. I can feel their presence. The animals stay just out of sight, while their eyes pry into my being like scalpels performing a vivisection on one their own. They shun me like people would do to a leper. But that's okay, it's only natural that wild animals would avoid a completely alien figure. —that's a lie. I do not remember, but I've been here many times. The chirping of the cicadas the the speckles of light filling the air tell me as such. Although I feel as being judged by the atmosphere of the blue forest clearing, it does not give the air of a threatening place. Rather...the fact that it feels like such a calming place is why it feels uneasy to me. It feels warm, and comforting. Like the embrace of a dear mother, or the nostalgia of a childhood memory. I do not know why I am here. Much less why I am aware of it. I had this dream many, many times.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp. The road ahead seems to go on forever. Stretching further and further into infinity the more I try to see past the blurred lines and forms of a faraway scenery. Behind me... —behind me. What is behind me? I don't know. If I had to think about it, the only thing that makes sense is that it is the way the bus—I came from. But that's not it. I can't look behind me. —there's no "behind". And since there is no behind, I can't look at it. Yes. That would only make sense. I can't look at somewhere that does not exit. But... If my front is the road ahead, and behind me doesn't exist, how did I get here? The bus dropped me here, is that not true? But, behind me doesn't exist, is that not true? My mind wanders. My chest tightens, why do I not feel welcome here? This—this serene, dazzling forest clearing—is special to me? If so, why do I feel like an intruder?    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.    Chiiiirp. Chirp chirp.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Fire. Love is like fire. It starts out as a petite flame, and when left unchecked it’ll grow. And so, it’ll consume everything — friends, connections, health and sanity. And and once it finds nothing else else to engulf in flames, it’ll finally consume itself. All you’ll have left are the ashes of the things you had.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #09/#10

I missed yesterday

I, I’m so terribly upset

My stomach doesn’t hurt like this since high school. Why do I do this to myself?

I’m so bloody stupid. I hate it, I keep saying it’s worth the hurt but everytime it does hurt I just want it to stop

I fucking feel like shit but tomorrow I’ll drag myself around and put a smile on my face again, until something like this happens

It just goes around around around around, making cyclones inside my head. I’m not even sure if I know how I feel anymore

I hate it

I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

Please make this stop. Just this once, it’s all I’m asking. If I fuck this up I swear I’ll settle down with my stupidity, but please, just this once. I know I’m not going to give up so this can only end in two ways and I’m so scared of it being the other one.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #08

The strange feeling continues.

At this point I'm not sure whether I'm going insane or... actually, yeah.

I know that it would be healthier to me if I didn't get involved in this at all, but... I love him so much. I know that this bumpy road will end up breaking my legs, but when it does, I can become a cripple that knows that I at least tried. ...jeez, how horrifying. But I came to terms with the fact that it's hopeless.

I'm pretty sure that mom is catching onto my emotional state, I think she was staring at me when I was looking out from the balcony a few hours ago. Ugh, I hope I'm wrong.

I often forget that the scenery from said balcony is very nice at night, kind of comforting really. That or I'm just trying to find something to fall back on.

But anyhow, here it is

I hope whoever is reading this finds it pretty too.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #07

Mom did it again. Right in the morning even.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem to be pretty down since yesterday" God, I don't know if she's bluffing but if she's not it's very scary because I'd never think she'd be the one to notice it, and that means I'm very bad right now.

I can't help it, I'll feel bad until this is over, which might be a while... but I'm seeing the end of this even if it kills me.

It's the weirdest feeling. You... you are the only one who can singlehandedly ruin my day and fix it in levels no other person can't.

I'm really scared. I'm scared when I say love you, I'm scared when you answer love you too, scared when you don't, scared when nothing is going wrong and scared when everything is.

I want to feel your embrace so it can heal my wounds, but I feel like I'm just making new ones to replace those.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #06

Knowing I started from 00, it has been a week already? Damn.

I was having dinner and mom asked if I was okay, she said I looked kinda sad. That... cuts deep. I don't think I ever heard that from her since... 2016?

I guess all of that is taking its toll from me. Admittedly, I'm still very down because of yesterday. It's just that... fuck man.

Today the same annoyances happened, it didn't managed to bring me further down, not that much at least, it was just a very "meh" day. Even though I finally got to play Answered Prayers I still can't get my mind away from that.

In some good news, I found somewhere that gives guitar lessons for free, yeah I'm learning the guitar. Gonna go there tomorrow to check the place out, so...

that's something to look forwards to I guess

I hope tomorrow is better

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #05

Extremely mixed bag.

I'm very bad at weighting up things so I can't really know if it was in fact a bad or good day.

I got to start messing around with a few of my ideas, I won't get detailed about it just yet though. And I really would like to thank my friend for giving me the motivational push I needed...

And then I spent a lot of time with that person. Yeah that person I'm head over heels for, and it was such a long time... about, 5 hours? if not MORE? That's insane, because it seemed to pass by in a flash.

But... ugh. Jealousy issues again. God I don't know if it's increasing paranoia but they seemed to be so fucking deadset flirty with one person today, god save me from this hell. Even here in this page I don't like making the same case over and over again but jesus man, it hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts it HURTS. It feels like I'm just having my heart torn down to shreds, right in front of me.

Wake up to it making my morning horrible, spend an insanely long fun time with them, but suddenly it's almost as if they just "Hey look at this 5 hours we spent alone together, now look at this 'I love you' I gave you." and then they just RIP them into million pieces while telling me to go fuck myself.

I hate it. I hate it.

I hate how it can ruin my day just like that.

I hate how everything else good that happened simply stops mattering when it happens

I hate that it happens at all.

And it just makes me so fucking discouraged to even go to sleep. What's the point? Just so I can wake up again and have this repeat itself? Fuck that.

God, hate all of this. Living through an incredibly heartwarming experience together, hear the words that I usually only get to hear in response to my own, just to have it turn to absolute nothing in the following moments.

So yeah, now that I think of it, it might have had been a bad day.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #04

God can we delete body/facial hair? Thanks in advance.

It's so frustrating, so maddening. Glad to have my face smooth again jeez.

Rants aside, it was a pretty average day. Had a couple cool ideas in mind, I'll probably see what I can do with them tomorrow! I'm eagerly waiting for it.

Nini! Good dreams, people.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #03

I feel a tiny better now. Although not completely.

Aaaand... that's pretty much it. I don't have to have a huge story every single day, do I? In the end I'm just another average person with an average life.

I watched some things with my dear little sweetheart, and that was pretty much the highlight of the day. ...it's kinda odd really, despite them knowing my feelings, we aren't actually dating yet, so sometimes calling them things like that feels funny.

I love that person so much. And despite all the problems we'll have to face, I'm willing to put all the time and energy necessary. If only my jealousy wasn't that big of a problem, perhaps at least some things would be easier... but even so, I like it. I like who I am, and I don't think I should be striving to be anything else other than myself, so I'll face all the drawbacks that my own feelings bring me.

I should stop before I go rambling about it for the 100th time haha. Nini, and may tomorrow be as great as today was!

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #02

Ugh. My stomach hurts so much. I thought I was just feeling a little anxious over the previous couple of days but now I’m sure it’s not just that. Feels kind of strange, but that’s okay. I’m determined to go through with this. On a secondary note, I forgot how pacifying/calming Yume 2kki can be.  Oh right! I’m a huge Yume Nikki fan! Among another things, of course. I don’t think I have much more to add this time around but that’s good on its own way! So have one of the screenshots I took of some time ago.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #01b

Well, so much for multiple updates a day lmao.

But, in a lighter note, everything seems to be going fine today. Perhaps this is the sign that the winds are blowing in a new direction? I sure do hope so, I'm optimistic to see what tomorrow has to offer...

But as for now, I suppose it's about time for me to end the day. Goodnight, whoever is reading this! I hope you have a good sleep.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #01

God, last night was a ride. I thought about making another post but I ended up passing out before I could open Tumblr in my phone lmao. I... I think I’m still a little upset. Though I just gave everything no thought and went to talk directly, interesting enough, nothing was really resolved. But, I think I can settle for it for now. My chest feels quite heavy still, but at least since the conversation I managed to find it in me to let go of it again.  I don’t know if this will happen again, most likely will, but I can’t blame them for it. So I guess I can accept things being the way they are for some more time.

On a different note, I guess I’ll do multiple updates per day. It feels better to keep a consistent track of what I’m feeling. It’s more real, too.

I know you can’t read this, and even if you can, you won’t know it’s you, but I want you to know I’ll be here throughout the entirety of this, doesn't matter how long it takes, or how much it hurts me sometimes. I love you.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #00c

Well, I guess if I'm gonna senselessly ramble... I might as well give context.

So... Hi. Call me Eira.

I've went into very little detail in my first entry, so let me give all of you a deeper insight.

This is a... blog(?) made with the sole purpose of having a space where I can just pour my thoughts in its more pure and unadulterated way I can do. I have people who'd listen to me, yes. But I can shrug off the feeling that I'd be just filling them with nonsense they'd just find stupid.

Eira isn't the user I usually go by, no. But I want to have an extra layer of security just in case someone I know ever finds out about this Tumblr page, at least they won't objectively know that me... is me.

With that being said, allow me to introduce you to myself.

I have a few issues that originated from a long-distance-relationship that turned itself inside-out at the very last moment it could. I went by a while troubled by it, until with enough support I've managed to give chance to the idea of a relationship once again. If your next guess is that it failed miserably again, then you know where I'm coming from.

Suddenly I've discovered that my world changed, its boundaries and machinations changed ever so slightly in ways that affected how I intimately interacted with people. Along with it, I've became a very jealous person when it came to romantic interests. And while I believe that is a very justifiable, natural feeling... coming from the "world" that I've been in, it seemed very alien.

Lighthearted teasing between friends shifts from a funny and normal activity to something very emotionally painful. And so does another things of similar flavor. Obviously, feelings this strong are bound to become an issue, especially when all of the things that pierce through you like a bullet are very common actions that the people that surround you do, developing feelings for someone quickly devolve from a wholehearted- pure and joyful emotion to an existential nightmare where everything and everyone stabs your chest with almost every word they speak, especially the person who you have feelings for.

With all that being said, my current situation isn't very difficult to picture.

I'm obviously in love with someone. Someone that comes from a place that I know I'll only hurt myself by being involved with. Someone who not only knows about my feelings, but also seems to reciprocate them and understand/share my insecurities, albeit to a lower degree.

That, however, doesn't stop the inevitable. I'm threading on thin ice, because I know that at any moment a careless word will be thrown around that will hit me like an arrow right to the chest.

So I'm met with a conundrum. I can give up on my love interest for the sake of my emotional/mental health; or I can still invest time, energy and emotion into it despite knowing that I'll be hurt several times.

And inside that, I still have other branching paths. I can completely erase my zone of comfort and accept the inevitable pain and suffering that this will cause, or I can hope to god that just maybe they'll have enough sympathy and put my feelings above those other things.

But, of course, that creates more problems. Is it really fair of me to ask that out of someone? For them to give up on something like this just for the sake of someone's feelings? We're not even engaged, but seeing flirty words thrown around in other directions feels like I'm being shot, multiple times. And they know how I feel, and they keep answering with their own "I love you too" when I say mines, so is this their way to demonstrate love?

I feel split. In one way I feel like a terrible, selfish person. On the other it feels like... and forgive me for saying that, like they don't really care all that much.

I love them, I honestly love them with every single inch of me. I'd give up on anything and everything just for the CHANCE of being together. And this is why I'm even putting up with all this confusion in the first place. But I know that my heart won't stand all of this for long, let alone during an actual relationship if it even happens.

Geez, this... was long. But I think that it worked as an escape valve if anything.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #00b

I wasn't planning on making a second one today, but I this is the only place I feel like I can resort on. Which is ironic, because I've been here for not even a day.

God. Sometimes I wonder just how the hell I get myself in this kind of mess.

It was been a wonderful day. I spent time with my family in a pleasant way for the first time in god knows how long, and I was feeling quite confident that I wouldn't be sad or angry towards that thing at least for today.

But all it took was one phrase, one single phrase that probably didn't even had thought behind it and suddenly he manages to slam my heart to the ground like a wrestler.

I wish I didn't feel like this towards you, it'd save me a lot of pain.

And as always my immediate reaction is to reactively take action without thinking myself. ...But maybe this time I'll not throw this chance on the ground, I said I needed to think about it myself, I hope I can make proper use of this time.

Screw this.

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Testing, is this working?

Testing, I guess it is!

[quietplaceforloudthoughts]

Entry #00

So I guess I should start putting this to use, no? Today’s been... a strange day. A lot of things happened and I’m not very sure of what to think of all of it. I don’t care all that much of Good Friday to be honest, so even if today is a holiday, it wasn't something day-changing or anything. I think that the most important thought I had today was one that came from a video, Jordan’s House youtube channel specifically: Take a small amount of time to forget and let go.

I've been very troubled by some things lately, and I’ll probably enter in deeper detail about them in a very near future, but... I think that after opening my mind for the idea of forgetting and letting go made my heart feel lighter in the end of the day, made me leave behind the reason why I got hurt yesterday’s night. It’s a good philosophy honestly, sometimes you have to give yourself the time and space to free your own mind and breathe, even if by just a little bit. If it wasn't for that, I think that I’d be still beating myself over what happened. So today, I’d like to invite you to also dedicate a small amount of time to forget, and let go.