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i said “i’m not something to butter up and taste when you get bored”

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Got into a fist fight for the first time with my sister last month, over how abusive and confusing her parenting is with my niece (She’s like that to my nephew, too). 

I’m pretty much done with her. Only being nice cause I have to for the kids, and God. She only ever fakes her kindness and will weed out your weakness and hit you when you let it slip. 

Still hurt and angry over the whole thing. Going back to regular therapy on Thursday for all sorts of stuff. Maybe I can get this sorted out, as well. 

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I’ve really just had a rough year so far..

Some guy from my old high school messaged me and basically jump started me back into dating. Didn’t work out with him, he actually gave me acute trauma for a min when in a drunken lust-fueled state, he sexually assaulted me. When I confronted him about it, he was immensely regretful. When I look it over, he was always acting like a bully to people online, and treating me as a sexual object. It’s whatever.... but it was still hard on me.

Tried playing the therapist mentor to a family friend, who turned against me because I’m Christian, and he decided to get into New Age and attempt to give my 12-year old nephew hard drugs. Cool *sarcasm*. Searching around for new guys in the neighborhood or at local Bible studies for young adults; They don’t really see a need for growing up yet and only want to travel for a career in some faraway country. Just not really... all there for a woman, I guess.  Dealt with a clingy boy, who gave major red flags when he talked about being labeled unpredictable by the government, and that the disabled community is “jealous” of his achievements Lol. Decided it was probably best to delete my dating accounts and try one last thing: Finally telling my best friend of 10 years that I had fallen for him 9 months ago (for the 3rd time) and after denying my feelings for so long, it was killing me and maybe he’d wanna go out? Nope. All he cares about is his job, awful family, poor mental health, literally anything else. There was no explanation on his feelings, he just threw mine aside and immediately tried to treat it as if it never happened and continue on with the conversation. 

After sporadically crying about him (and my exiled child alters crying now, too), losing sleep over him, and now: My child alters are equating bugs with this recent rejection/abandonment because it reminds them of a past trauma I already processed. I only recently found I’ve been struggling with being emotionally honest due to being a system. And the first thing I try to do? Risk this friendship by telling him the truth.  There’s been way too many life lessons I’ve learned this year, that could only be learned through experience. Things I never understood about relationships and how men and women work and work together are finally starting to make sense. I see too many bitter men and women swearing off dating and loving each other respectfully forever. I Do Not want to be like them. If I have to let someone go for my safety and sanity, I want to try my best to be as assertive (not aggressive) as possible, and quietly take my dignity and leave. 

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I might come back to this blog, cause although I’ve processed through all the traumas, I’ve still got DID/OSDD and I’m finding out just how much that counteracts me trying to be as honest, real and authentic as possible. My brother’s girlfriend suggested I should go back to therapy and is helping me look for a therapist, and whether she finds the right one or not, it’s inching me in a good direction. 

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DID December days 11 &12

11-Tips for systems-

1. when you start to switch or dissociate, see if you can find the trigger, it will help so much with communication and understanding

2. Hosts, do your best to allow everyone that wants fronting time to have it when appropriate, scheduled front time is really good, and can help avoid others fronting for things they shouldn’t be

3. DONT BE EMBARRASSED OF GETTING THINGS FOR LITTLES I know I was and still kinda am, but it’s so so good for them to be able to engage with the current time in a positive way, so good for healing

4. You guys are a team, some have strengths and some have weaknesses, and by utilizing everyone’s strengths you all can reach your goals

5. System time keeping is a super helpful thing if everyone is willing to write time out, even if they don’t necessarily say what they’re doing, it can help account for why you lost time

12-Tips for new systems-

1. Persecutors aren’t evil. If anything they’re the ones hurting the most, patience and kindness with them goes a long way

2. Systems journals are the best

3. Sticky notes are your best friend, you can set reminders and ask questions, especially since communication can be very challenging as a new system. Stick them where they’ll see it

4. Talking to a therapist or mental health professional is a big yes, there is no “pill” for DID/OSDD, butthey can help give you treatment for grounding and help with other C-PTSD/PTSD symptoms that come along with this disorder

5. Avoidance is what created those amnesia barriers, understanding and acceptance helps to lower them.

6. Trauma memories suck when you find them, so most importantly remember that whatever happens was NOT your fault, you were a child

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weird weather

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Lol There’s a lot of really helpful posts I’ve made on this blog, but for new followers, it’s possible they don’t know how to navigate to them, so I’ll probably add a tag for it soon

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Sometimes, you need to let go of people

You need to acknowledge that they are hurting you, and you need to accept that they will never learn better

There may have been positive moments

And letting go might be painful

But it will hurt you more in the long run to keep in contact with someone who doesn't take your well-being into consideration

You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to feel what you feel.

But don't let what you feel keep you from doing what is healthy for you.

Sometimes you need to let people go.

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“Softness is not weakness. It takes courage to stay delicate in a world this cruel.”

— Beau Taplin, Shed your sharp edges.  (via puure)

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by nicpfr

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Love is patient. Lust can't wait and is impulsive.

Love is kind. Lust is cruel, critical, and manipulative.

Love does not envy. Lust seeks more than it earns.

Love does not boast. Lust serves self at the expense of others.

Love is not proud. Lust is easily threatened.

Love is not rude. Lust is disrespectful and thoughtless.

Love is not self-seeking. Lust is demanding and uncaring.

Love is not easily angered. Lust is temperamental and retaliatory.

Love keeps no records of wrongs. Lust does not forget offenses.

Love does not delight in evil. Lust commits wrong to get its own way and rationalizes it.

Love rejoices in the truth. Lust encourages lies and covers up misdeeds.

Love always protects. Lust takes for selfish gain and lacks concern for consequences to others.

Love always trusts. Lust is suspicious and jealous.

Love always hopes. Lust says one chance and you're out.

Love always perseveres. Lust retreats when it is no longer convenient.

Love never fails (it is constant, enduring, and faithful to the end). Lust ends when self is no longer served (it is fickle, insecure, and unfaithful).